By Peter Ehrlich

Special to Single Dad Life

Listen. Can you hear it? The air is so still. And can you see the gathering clouds?

Looks as if a storm is headed right for our sometimes fragile single parent homes and, if not prepared, we’ll be picking up the pieces for a long time. It’s called the holiday season.

You weathered the first storm of the season, the summer holidays, by working out an access agreement that was equitable so your ex didn’t freak out and have to call the lawyers at $250 hour, which neither of you can afford.

Halloween is the start of the holiday season because that’s when we start sharing our children big-time for life’s big moments. (If you’re Jewish, the holiday dysfunction begins at sundown in September.)

Only a single parent can look at a Mars bar and get depressed, muttering, “Halloween is coming. Please Lord, help me.”  Our children, in their innocence, have a different take on those first candies. (“Wow! It’s Halloween soon and I get to trick or treat and then Christmas (or Hannukah) and holidays. Then New Year’s and I can stay up.”)

The holidays, the perfect time for a perfect storm composed of every feeling of resentment, pain and regret, with our children caught in a crossfire of biting hail and howling wind; a single parent opera choreographed to the music of U2.

Write me and tell me I’m wrong!

If there ever is a time to take the high road it’s now, because a Halloween mask should not be on a child’s face to mask their pain of watching us fight.

I’ve been reading about Buddhism and I came across the Four Noble Truths. One of them is “the origin of suffering is attachment.” With single parents and holidays this could mean an attachment to our children and past that gets in the way of their happiness, our ex’s and ours.

But the “cessation of suffering” is possible. By stepping back and detaching, you will understand that children only “know they are an embodiment of both of you.” You are left, therefore, with no choice but to make the holidays work by accepting whatever plan is right for the kids.

This means sharing your children because your children want and need to be shared. With no further ado, but much detachment:

Halloween – if you really can’t make the journey up the neighbors’ walk as a family, then choose your child’s favorite neighborhood, select a meeting place and time, and with grace, politely hand your child off to your ex. After the kiss, turn around, detach and be grateful for all you have.

At Christmas, alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day annually. (If both parents are capable and committed, no one parent should have both the evening and the whole next day 24/7.)

For Hannukah, access for four consecutive days and nights that end with the lighting of the menorah. When your child is not with you, detach emotionally, light the candles and love yourself.

On New Year’s Eve and Day, alternate access between parents each year. You have your child on the eve? Great. But you must detach and give up the next day.

Lots of us will fail our children in some way this holiday season. Failure or suffering is part of our journey, the first noble truth – life is suffering.

That’s okay.

James Taylor once said, “I failed, I failed and I failed again. And then I became a man.”

In our case, it is “I failed and failed and failed again. And then I became a great single parent.”

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

or visit his website: www.geronimocode.com

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Ask The Lawyer

Question submitted:

My ex is using a form of parental alienation on our daughter. My daughter and mom refuse to pick up their phones to communicate with me. I text, email, and call to no avail.

It has been almost six weeks since I have spoken to, or seen, my daughter. I have joint custody and a visitation schedule of a couple days a week. My daughter is almost 16. What is the best way to handle this? My goal is to preserve my connection to my daughter.

Answer:

I suggest dividing the issues into your ex-wife’s conduct and the possibility of your daughter’s attitude being a factor of her age.

Your ex-wife can be held accountable through the court for compliance with any terms in your joint parenting agreement or other court orders that address telephone or electronic contact. If your court documents did not address telephone or electronic contact, you may need to seek court modification to include such provisions.

You advise that you have regular visitation rights but have not seen your daughter in six weeks. If your visitation is being impaired by your wife’s conduct or failure to act, enforcement proceedings may be warranted.

Generally, the parents must comply with the visitation schedule regardless of the desires of the child and a claim of visitation interference may be warranted. Consulting with a domestic relations law firm, such as Cordell & Cordell, would be the first step to determine what rights are encompassed by your court documents and what additional rights you might reasonably pursue in a court proceeding.

Your daughter’s age and status as a child of divorce may also be at issue and counseling with your daughter may be appropriate.

Under your divorce, you may be required to first discuss father-daughter counseling with your ex-wife as part of any agreement to mutually discuss with your ex decisions regarding your daughter’s health care. Failure to reach an agreement on the issue with your ex-wife may require court proceedings to require your ex-wife’s cooperation in making your daughter available to attend counseling.

Richard Coffee is a Litigation Manager in the Belleville Illinois office of Cordell & Cordell. He is an experienced divorce attorney whose practice is devoted to domestic litigation. He is licensed in the State of Illinois and is admitted to practice law in the U.S. District Courts for Northern, Central and Southern Illinois. Courtesy of Dadsdivorce.com

Submit questions to sdladvice@singledadlife.com

Related posts:

1. How Do You Handle Visitation With An Interfering Ex?
2. My Ex-Wife Displays Contempt For Rulings On Visitation – What can I do?
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Virtual Visitation

What can you do if your children are not living in the same city? There are times your kids are even living in a different state.  Not being able to see your children on a regular basis can be heartbreaking.

Due to the changing face of technology, single dads now have some tools to help you ease the pain. Seeing your children’s face is totally different than talking on the phone.

This presentation, courtesy of Dadsdivorce.com, provides a terrific overview of how to use internet technology, such as the web-cam, to close the distance gap between you and your kids.

Related posts:

1. What Is The Best Way To Fight For Custody?
2. Did Wife Kidnap Kids? Dad asks for legal advice
3. My Wife Cheated On Me – Will That Affect Who Is At Fault For Divorce?

Question Submitted:

We received a new court order for unsupervised visitation and my ex-wife did not show up with my son for my visitation. I went to the local police station to file a report and the police told me I had to go back to the judge who issued the revision. My lawyer said “No, that’s not the way it’s done.”

So now I’m confused and not sure as to who is telling the truth? So in effect, I’m not sure if I can trust my lawyer. I want something done! This is not the first time she has displayed contempt for the court rulings! What can I do?

Answer:

Both your lawyer and the police officers may be correct. Your attorney is correct that an order from the Court providing you with parenting time is an order just like any other and should be enforced like any other order. However, police officers are often hesitant to become involved in child custody exchanges and some departments even have developed policies which prevent officers from becoming involved in situations such as yours.

In short, I think absent assistance from your local police department, you should find an attorney who will file a contempt action against your ex-wife asking her to be held personally accountable for her failure to follow the Court’s orders. You may ask for attorneys fees, sanctions and compensatory (ie: make-up) parenting time depending on your jurisdiction.

If your ex-wife persists in a pattern of willful disobedience of the Court’s orders, you may also eventually have grounds to seek primary custody of your son.

Jill Best is an attorney with Cordell & Cordell, PC, a family-law firm focusing on men. She writes for DadsDivorce.com

Related posts:

1. How Do I Fight My Ex Wife’s Use Of Parental Alienation?
2. How Do You Handle Visitation With An Interfering Ex?
3. Did Wife Kidnap Kids? Dad asks for legal advice