In-Laws, Second Marriages, and Baggage

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

I believe all clichés are generally true. How else could something become a cliché in the first place? Not surprisingly, then, all the clichés about second marriages are true. Indeed, comedy careers have been built around jokes about a second set of in-laws, second husbands or wives, and blended families. For good reason: in-law jokes, and family relationship humor can be hysterical–sometimes.

In a second marriage, couples want to believe that they’ve learned something from the first one and they’re going to take all that hard-earned experience and apply it, making the second marriage work beautifully. Hmmm, is that why there’s a higher incidence of divorce in second marriages and an even higher divorce rate in third and fourth marriages? It is sad, but true. Read more

Childhood is Now

by Pam Leo

“Let us put our minds together and see what
kind of life we can make for our children.”
- Chief Sitting Bull

I often hear people say, “Kids today are different, I would never have behaved that way as a child.” Are kids today different or is it kid’s lives today that are different? In her book The Continuum Concept, Jean Leidloff points out that, “Natural logic forbids belief in the evolution of a species with the characteristic of driving its parents to distraction by the millions.” As new parents we are all told, “Enjoy your children now while they are little.” Yet how much of the day do we spend enjoying our children? Many parents spend more of their day struggling with their children than enjoying them. How has this come to be? What is making parenting today more often a struggle than a joy?

Parenting never used to be, and was never meant to be, a one or two person job. Parents used to have a village, a tribe, or at least an extended family to help care for and spend time with their children. Few families today have the resource of a live-in grandparent, aunt, uncle or nanny. Even when there are two parents in the home at least one of them is gone much of the time. Whenever there is only one adult to care for children, for extended periods of time, there often isn’t the time, attention or energy to fully meet everyone’s needs. Whether a family consists of a single parent and one child; a mom, a dad and three children; two partners and two children or a blended family with multiple moms, dads and stepsiblings, most families need more adult resources.

My experience with children is that when their needs are met and nothing is hurting them, they are a joy to be with. I’ve learned that children do not always have the language to tell us what is hurting them or what they need so they communicate their needs through “needy” behavior. When children are not a joy to be with, their behavior is usually an expression of unmet need. Just as a baby’s cry is a communication designed to bother us and move us to action to meet the baby’s needs, the needy behaviors of children are designed to bother us and move us to action to meet the child’s needs.

Ironically, when children communicate their unmet needs through needy behavior, the action adults often take is to try to change the child’s behavior. As long as we keep trying to change the behavior instead of meeting the need, those needy behaviors persist. If we look at our own behavior when our children’s needy behavior is driving us crazy, we usually find we haven’t spent much time with them and we’ve been too busy and stressed to connect with them. If we look at our behavior when we are enjoying our children, we find that we are spending time with them and not rushing them from one place to another.

There are many reasons why children have unmet needs. Sometimes we can’t hear our children’s needs because our own needs are screaming so loudly. Sometimes we lack information about their needs. Sometimes we have so little trust in our own internal voice that we listen to advice that goes against meeting our children’s needs. Most often, however, the reason children aren’t getting what they need is that our lives are too busy and we don’t have enough time to be with them and enough time to just let them be. One of the reasons parents are too busy is that there is not enough adult resource to do all that needs to be done. The loss of the extended family has been devastating to parenting and to childhood.

Childhood today is very different than it has ever been. . Parents are busier and children are expected to keep the same pace. There are so many more things to do and places to go. Children have to get to day care, preschool, school, games, lessons, and appointments. They often spend as much time (or more) in the car, getting to and from these activities, as they do at the activity. Children are frequently in transition from one place to another. Children need time with their parents and time for unstructured play, time to just be. Kids today don’t get much of that. Most children today spend less time in their home, with their family, than children ever have.

Most parents tell me that transition times are the times of greatest conflict with their children. Getting out the door in the morning and bedtime are often a struggle. It seems the very thing we enjoy about children is also the very thing that drives us crazy about them. Children live in the now. Their attention is completely on what they need, feel or are doing right now. When we are rushing to “get out the door” or trying to get them to bed we are not in the now. We are usually thinking about where we are going and what we have to do next. When transition means children have to leave what they are happy doing to go and do something they may not even want to do, children naturally resist.

The only real conflict that exists between parents and children is conflict of needs. Getting out the door is our need. Getting the kids to bed is our need. When a child’s need to have time with us or time to just be is unmet they know that going out the door or going to bed means those needs won’t get met . When children express their unmet needs through their behavior and that behavior conflicts with parents’ needs the conflict of needs often turns into a power struggle.

This summer many parents told me how much they enjoyed their children when they were on vacation and/or when family or friends were visiting. When I asked why they enjoyed their children so much at those times the answer was always the same. “We had more time and there were more adults to do what needed to be done, so we all had more time for ourselves and more energy and attention for the children.” How can we have more of this for our family in everyday life?

We may have to begin to create more adult resource in small ways. Parents could ask family members and friends to spend more time with our family on a regular basis. We can invite other families to do things with our family and invite single friends to be part of our family. We create an “extended family of choice.” When there are more adults to meet the needs of children there is less conflict of needs and fewer power struggles. Even one hour a week of more adult resource would make a positive difference.

Creating more resource will mean having to ask for support. Most parents find it difficult to ask. We may feel like we are imposing or that we are supposed to be able to do it all alone. None of us can do it well, alone. Time has shown us that. We all have to work together to make it work for everyone. The children who depend on us now to get their needs met will one day be the adults we depend on to meet our needs. They will only be able to give what they have received.

We won’t get a second chance to “enjoy them while they are little.” Meeting the needs of children takes time, energy and human resource. If we don’t create the resource to give us the time and energy to meet children’s needs now when they are little, we will spend the time dealing with their unmet need behaviors when they are big. Childhood is now. The more resource we create, the more everyone’s needs will be met. The more everyone’s needs are met, the more we will all enjoy the children, when they are little AND when they are big.

Courtesy of
Pam Leo
Connection Parenting
Optimal Child Development

Photo courtesy of WSilver

What Every Single Parent Must Do Before Taking Their Child On Vacation

By Jennifer Doncsecz

 

 

Ever since January of 2007 when the government made it mandatory for every US citizen flying to the Caribbean, Mexico and Canada to now have a valid passport, single parents have felt much more at ease when taking their custodial or non custodial child out of the country.

However, just because you carry your child’s passport doesn’t mean you no longer have to get a notarized letter of permission to travel by your child’s other custodial or non custodial parent.

In most circumstances, airlines will ask where the other parent is. If you are traveling to a heavily used route for single parents to “disappear ” with their non custodial child (Mexico, Dominican Republic, Aruba) you will be asked to produce a letter that is signed by the other parent and notarized.

This letter should include the other parents name, the dates of travel, the locations you are traveling to, the other parents phone number and signature with a notarized seal. If you do not have this, the airlines could refuse you board the planes or even worse, you could get to your destination only to find that customs/immigration will make you turn around and not enter the country.

Many of my clients sometimes call the airlines ahead of time to check to see if this is necessary, however, the airlines do not operate customs/immigration and may tell you the wrong information.

Play it safe and always have the other parent sign this very important letter. Even if you have joint custody or full custody and the court awarded you ownership of your child’s passport, customs wants to know that both parents are aware of the child’s leaving the country.

In some cases where bad feelings are present between the parents, this can prove to be a bit tricky, but isn’t it better than spending thousands of dollars on a vacation on a beautiful island and being turned away from entering the country?

If your child’s other parent is deceased, it is also a good idea to bring a copy of the death certificate. I once had a client, who in a panic, had to call their in-laws for a copy of the obituary of their deceased spouse to be faxed to the airline’s counter because they were being denied boarding.

In the ever present world of parents abducting their children and taking flight, the airlines are being held under much more scrutiny. So, don’t get burned before you even arrive at your destination–be prepared and know what is required!

If you want more information on single parents vacations, please feel free to email me at Jennifer@travelbyvip.com

Jennifer Doncsecz
President
VIP Vacations Inc
www.travelbyvip.com

#1 in the Nation for Group Sales to Sandals and Beaches Resorts!
Winner of the Caribbean Tourism Organization’s Romance in Travel Award in 2007!
Fox Philadelphia’s Travel Expert. Tune in each Friday to Good Day Philly and learn about the latest travel news!
Look for my new show on the Travel Channel every Sat. night at 10:30 pm-Cruises We Love!

Picture courtesy of Alex

10 Simple Ways Single Parents Can Travel On A Budget

By Jennifer Doncsecz

 
 
 
It takes a little more planning when there is only one adult in the family, but it is possible to have nice family vacations!

The kind both parent and children will remember for a lifetime and the kind that will not destroy a single family’s budget.

There are several things single parents can do to enjoy vacations and make them memorable for children, too.

1. Take short day trips together. There are many neat places to go or interesting activities available near any metropolitan city. When you only go for the day, it requires less planning and costs less, too.
2. Travel very light. Mail ahead or buy when you arrive whenever possible. You will be the only person carrying everything unless you have older children.
3. Visit relatives for a reasonably priced vacation. You don’t have to mooch entirely. Take the host family out to dinner one night and be very helpful around their home.
4. You probably have a favorite baby-sitter you use at home. Bring him/her with you. They can share a room with your kids and be immensely useful to a single parent family.
5. If you go to your parents’ house or visit a sibling, someone who is very close and totally in love with your children, take a short trip alone. Leave your kids for at least one night while you either take a relaxing or exhilarating side trip.
6. Travel with another single or a relative. Some expenses are shared and each of you take a day as the primary caregiver of the children.
7. When your kids are small, travel off-season. Everything is cheaper and less crowded.
8. While driving to your destination, pack food ahead, then eat in roadside parks or metropolitan parks to save money. Being outdoors lets kids run off some energy while you take a driving break.
9. After you arrive, eat your big meal at lunch each day, then have sandwiches in the hotel room or outdoors (weather permitting, of course) for dinner. Luncheon prices are always lower.
10. Let your child bring a friend. With careful planning, your child can bring a friend for very little more money. Often the other family will footthe bill for their child anyway. This will give you some relief from the chief entertainer role. It is particularly important when your child has no siblings.

If you want more information on single parents vacations, please feel free to email me at Jennifer@travelbyvip.com

Jennifer Doncsecz
President
VIP Vacations Inc
www.travelbyvip.com

#1 in the Nation for Group Sales to Sandals and Beaches Resorts!
Winner of the Caribbean Tourism Organization’s Romance in Travel Award in 2007!
Fox Philadelphia’s Travel Expert. Tune in each Friday to Good Day Philly and learn about the latest travel news!
Look for my new show on the Travel Channel every Sat. night at 10:30 pm-Cruises We Love!

Why Single Parents Pay More to Travel

By Jennifer Doncsecz

Solo parents face special issues when traveling, such as: how will a vacation be priced, given that rates are usually based on two paying adults? And how comfortable will a parent feel, if most other vacationers are two-parent families?

The good news is that with many holidays, single status hardly matters: car trips, camping, Disney theme parks, even European odysseys (with hotel rooms priced by number of beds) — there are many situations where neither price nor social ease is affected much by being solo with kids.

Many families, however, dream of a Caribbean resort, or a cruise… and on these holidays, being a solo parent c

an mean a whallop to the wallet.

My 10-year-old Child is an Adult???

Single parents may get a big shock when a child gets charged an adult rate. Read more

Air Travel with Kids

by: Jennifer Doncsecz, President

Air travel is challenging under the best of circumstances, but when you add children and/or pets, things can get downright hairy. Not to mention smelly, messy, and noisy! While I do not make a habit of traveling with my dog or cat, I have, but I have a lot of experience with my kids-who can be equally as smelly, messy and noisy. So how do I do it? Actually it is pretty simple Read more