A Dad, His Son, and D’s and F’s

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

What parent hasn’t dreaded report card time, especially when a child is underperforming? How do two kids, born of the same genetic material, turn out so differently when it comes to school performance and their work ethic?

When is it wrong if the “problem” child gets more attention than the one who gets his work done and maintains good grades? These are questions most households face and we are definitely in the middle of them right now.

My older son, Will, is multi-talented when it comes to music and disinterested when it comes to school. He plays several instruments and is almost a walking encyclopedia of contemporary music and even knows quite a bit about music from previous generations. He’s also multi-talented at fooling me about his school-work, even though he’s clear the truth about his grades will always surface.

I’m told that teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that rational thought doesn’t actually enter their heads until their 20’s. Okay (heavy sarcasm now intended), that excuses his excuses and, therefore, I’ll just let him continue to fail some classes, do sloppy work all around, and prioritize his social life over school. He also knows that a “B” average is necessary for him to be allowed to drive or even get his driver’s permit. Just after his 16th birthday I’ve learned he’s failing English.

English! His own language. I know “English” isn’t a class about learning to speak the language, but is about learning grammar and how to write. His dad is a writer, but will he come to me for help? Nah, he can get the “F” all by himself. Now, I’m sure you’re sensing a little anger and attitude coming from your erstwhile columnist. That’s because I am angry and frustrated.

This is where the contrast between siblings is so stark. His younger brother thrives on the discipline of school and homework. He requires no supervision. In fact, he often requires persuasion to skip school for a special occasion or trip that we might have planned. He’s actually afraid of his teachers. What a quaint idea in our age where some teachers are more afraid of their students and their parents. But, too much of the household attention is focused on his brother and that just isn’t fair to David, who is doing so well in school.

I know that we have only limited control of our kids’ behavior, especially as they enter fantasyland–the teen years. I’m reminded of a good friend who went through this sort of problem with his older son. At one point, they removed everything from his room–computer, books, games, pictures, literally everything! All that was left was a bed on the floor. His beloved portable devices, cell-phone, computer, etc. were all removed. Did he change? Nope. He was more stubborn than his parents, who eventually returned most of his stuff.

This is a loving nuclear family in which mom and dad are present, involved, and care deeply for their two children. Their son eventually rebelled further and they had to send him to a wilderness rehab camp where he partially turned around. My friend says the most important lesson his son learned was an awareness of the consequences of his actions on others–a great lesson for most teens.

Now, in his middle 20’s, this young man is living on his own and supporting himself. He’s still searching for fulfillment of his career passion, and has kept the same job for a while now in that field, though not making the kind of money he’d hoped for. That passion has been consistent for a long time, as has his passion for regularly smoking marijuana. His parents believe that this is their son’s way of self-medicating his inherent personality issues.

These parents still beat themselves up over what they might have done differently. I know them well and I know their son was destined to go his own way. He’s smart, still has his head on his shoulders, has never had a problem with the law, and may pull out of this successfully, though it will never replace all the lost and graying hairs on my friend’s head. Their biggest frustration, much like mine, is knowing that their son has all the tools and all the ability, but isn’t living up to his potential.

My son respects me. I support his extraordinary musical talents, but he will suffer consequences for his recent deceptions about school. His room won’t be emptied, but his computer is now available on an “as needed” basis as I have his keyboard and mouse. His social life is limited and he’s partially grounded, while I’m continuing to support his band practices and music lessons. While his attitude reflects irritation, he also still talks to me and hasn’t resisted a single “consequence” as he does know he’s messed up. As we say in my men’s group, he’s “owned” his part in this.

Will he turn it around before he’s 18? I hope so. Is there more I should be doing? I’m still discussing that with my wife, my men’s group, and our therapist, as maybe further therapy might be another option to include in our master plan. I never said it would be easy, being a parent, nor have I ever said that this dad has all the answers.

(Author’s Note: For my international readers, D’s and F’s refer to poor grades in our schools.)

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

What Do Teens Need Anyway? Just Ask Them.

By: Ben Murphy, TheFatherLife.com

Seriously! What do teenagers need, anyway?

Parents are told to stand by their teens but also let them be independent. We’re told to be real about sex and drugs, but… we probably know more than we want them to know at this stage of their lives. There are so many conflicting messages from the experts, what’s a parent to do?

The best experts on being a teenager are teenagers themselves, so I dug around for feedback that teens have given on what they need from their parents. And, as much as folks may perceive teens as hormonal maniacs texting their lives away, the reality is that teens are full of hope and energy while still being very vulnerable (despite the outward façade).

In fact, the vast majority of teens (71%) cite their parents as their chief role model, with teachers coming in a far second at 40%. Although they may not tell you what they need from you, their parent, they have lots of hopes and ideas. Here, in a nutshell, is a list of some of what teens need from us as parents:

BE FRANK ABOUT SEX: Even though, in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse things that
could happen (like imprisonment), I think every parent’s worst nightmare is having their teenager
unwittingly become a parent. While teens probably know more about sex than we did as kids, our
perception that they know everything about sex is far from the truth. What our teens need from us is our
experience and wisdom that comes with our own experience with sex. Teens may have the book
knowledge, but lack the life context and practical advice to comfortably make wise sexual choices. And
they will either learn from us or learn from outside influences. So, if you want your teen learning about sex
in a healthy way, create an environment (regardless of how uncomfortable it initially makes you) where
they can always ask you anything they want about sex. Period. Otherwise, they’ll get their pointers
somewhere else.

STOP NITPICKING: A study by the University of Illinois found that, “parent’s conversations with their
teens too often focus on chores that need to be done, schedules that need to be kept, hair that needs to be
combed, and other topics that teens consider dull and monotonous or fault-finding.” But when the lead
psychologist on the study, Tore Hayden, asked several hundred teenagers what they really wished they
could talk about with their parents, the response included: Family Matters, Taboo Issues, ‘The Big Why’s,
The Future, Current Affairs, and their own Parents as Teens. Those are broad, far-reaching topics, but teens
want their parents to engage them in these discussions because it gives them grounding and meaning and
identity. And the interaction with you on more than just the day-to-day helps them decipher how to make
their own choices in life.

BE FRANK ABOUT DRUGS: Teens know academically (because they’ve been told) that drugs ruin
lives. Parents, on the other hand, have experienced the reality of drugs wreaking havoc in someone’s life.
Teens need to know what you’ve experienced. It’s one thing to say, “Don’t do drugs because they’re bad,”
but teens need proof. Share your stories of what you’ve seen in your life around drug use (even if it
involves you at one point in time). The best argument to not do drugs is to have seen someone’s life ruined
by drugs. Expose your teen to that reality as you’ve experienced it.

IDENTITY AND AMBITION: All the research and feedback I found pointed to a teen’s need for
identity. We all need an identity, don’t we? It’s just that in a teen’s world everything is magnified and
identity is the crux of their existence. One of the quotes that stuck with me was, “Teens want to create, to
change the world, to be older than they are… and as a driving force they want to do this now!” Give your
teen the opportunity and leeway to get their feet wet in things that interest them. Give them room to explore
their identity and ambitions and allow them to involve their friends as well as friends is a key source of a
teen’s identity.

Writing this month’s column really drove home the point that if you’re wondering what your teen needs,
just ask them. Understand that, if you haven’t had a great relationship with your teen, they may not give
you a straight answer right away. But if you’re consistent and truly authentic, they’ll tell you. And that
honesty is the beginning of a great relationship with your teen!

Ben Murphy is the Founder of TheFatherLife.com, the men’s magazine for dads. He lives in New York
State with his wife and three daughters

Photo courtesy of yellowblade67

Persistence — The Only Thing That Works

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

A recent e-mail from my oldest friend, a college professor, stimulated me to reflect on how we search and find work, as well as in small business how we promote and sell ourselves. On this subject, I’ve observed my teen son’s failed efforts to find a summer job. And, finally, I’ve thought about my own recent efforts in designing and launching my own website (www.brucesallan.com).

For me, throughout my life, there was only one thing that worked and it was persistence. I believe, especially in our present economic times, persistence is the primary thing that works.

My old friend the professor had a whole list of very sharp suggestions on how I could better brand (contemporary slang for identifying yourself or your company, as with Nike’s swoosh) my site, my work, and myself. They ranged from hiring a consultant to doing informational interviewing, as well as developing an “elevator speech” (means exactly what you’d expect-a short enough description of your work that could be told in an elevator ride), and much more. As I read and digested his suggestions, I was struck by the fact that my initial reaction was “this is just too much work” and “I like my style better.” Read more