An Outsider’s Perspective

By: Ben Murphy, TheFatherLife.com

I don’t have a child with special needs, but I’m in awe of those who do. Not because parents of special
needs children are perfect or super-human (I take that back, they are super-human), but because my
friends with special needs children consistently overcome challenges that continually humble and teach
me.

Growing up, I had very limited exposure to children with special needs. However, now with a sister-in-law
with Cerebral Palsy and several close friends who have special needs children, I’ve been exposed to
special needs families and have been taught a lot through example about the core values I need to have
as a parent. It’s a book we should all take a page from. So, as an outsider to the world of special needs,
here is one person’s perspective on the values we should all learn from these amazing people.

RESILIENCE. I can’t imagine finding out your child has a special need and all that that entails. The
learning curve and the adjustment are far more than I could ever appreciate. That said, one of the most
amazing things I’ve noticed in parents of special needs children is a deep resilience that develops despite
the challenges faced. It’s something that I need more of. A spirit of “we’ll get through this no matter
what” that drives through life’s ups and downs. It reminds us that we’re all capable of much more than
we think we are.

LOVE EVEN WHEN. I love my children dearly, but there are those days. But parents of special needs
kids have demonstrated to me an undying love that always moves on from the rough patches with no
baggage, knowing that consistent love can and does pull us through anything. Our kids need us to forget
the fight we had with them the day before and give them the benefit of a fresh page. Again. And again.
And again. It’s called patience and graciousness, and our children won’t learn it if we don’t demonstrate
it.

ACCEPTENCE. 20/20 Medical Mysteries recently aired a story about Carly Fleischmann, a severely
autistic14-year-old girl who has begun communicating through typing. While on the outside she is
severely autistic, her communication has revealed a normal teenage girl with a wicked sense of humor.
She writes, “I am autistic, but that is not who I am. It is hard because no one understands me. People
look at me and assume I am dumb because I can’t speak. People get a lot of their information from socalled
experts, but if a horse is sick, you don’t ask a fish what’s wrong with the horse. You go right to the
horse’s mouth.” Carly’s parents’ experience reinforces that we need to love and accept our children
despite initial outward appearances. All of our children are wonderful creatures who bring joy to our
lives if we only listen to and love them for who they are. (I would urge you to go online, search for
‘carly fleischmann 2020,’ and watch the episode; it’s powerful!)

CREATING CHANGE. Probably the hardest fight I’ve seen parents with special needs children take
on is the fight against systems that work against them. School systems, medical systems, legal systems -
there are so many crushing obstacles, I can’t even begin to count them all. The hard and simple fact is
the world is not set up for special needs kids. Thanks to many determined parents, that is changing. But
all of us need to fight for smarter laws and more informed policies, and we must embody a more
accepting society.

Ben Murphy is the Founder of TheFatherLife.com, the men’s magazine created for dads. He lives in
New York with his wife and three daughters.