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Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First

admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:45:46 +0000

The Best Interests of Your Children

By Deborah Moskovitch

While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children.

From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does this really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?

Defining Children’s Best Interest

There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households.

It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.

Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:

deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)

Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.

Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.

Children should not be punished because an activity falls on one parent or the others time

While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they just don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.

You need to recognize, that children are not possessions. They are not “my children, not your children”- they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

It’s Back To School: Developing Routine And Structure For Parents

admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:12:59 +0000

By Deborah Moskovitch

As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make A Family Calendar

Hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

birthdates

school schedules

other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish Rules Such As The Following:

Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

It’s up to you to take the initiative.

Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If You Are The Noncustodial Parent, Here Are Some Ideas To Help You Maintain A Positive Relationship
With Your Children:

Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

It’s Too Easy To Wallow In Loneliness

admin — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:39:31 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

How many times have we spent 45 minutes in a video store, only to walk out with nothing but a cloud over our head darker than the one we walked in with? Lot’s I bet? Write me and tell me I’m wrong.

Often, spending Saturday night alone again because our children are away from us and we are lover-less, the only thing we end up renting is a deeper depression.

On a recent weekend this single dad realized that he goes to the video store as much to be with other people as to rent a movie. How pathetic and lonely is that?

I also admit that what propels me to go food shopping is not a hunger for food but rather a hunger to be with other human beings. I’m starving for company. The woman behind the fish counter serving me snapper must wonder why I’m so bloody friendly; to the point of complimenting her on the layout of the fish on the ice.

I don’t need to see a psychiatrist for this evaluation – I’m lonely.

Loneliness is part of the single-parent journey. We have only ourselves to depend on, seldom have anyone to touch us and when our children are away we are forced to gaze upon toys and clothes that haunt us by their stillness, bedrooms that feel more like mausoleums than places of joy.

As single parents we’re likely to feel like failures even though we accept that the universe unfolded as it should. But don’t most of us feel that we failed our kids in some way?

Feelings of rejection and failure can fuel loneliness and create a cycle that can take over our lives and get in the way of being a good parent because we know that parenting should be practiced with a smile. Not taking steps to alleviate our loneliness can easily result in our lives resembling a German minimalist film that Dieter of SNL’s “Sprockets” fame would enjoy presenting, or something the late Ingmar Bergman would have enjoyed directing, a film that would make The Seventh Seal feel like a Marx Brothers adventure.

Here are some steps we can take so our lives better resemble the ending of It’s a Wonderful Life:

Get a pet. (I don’t have one but because my last two girlfriends gave their animals equal space in the bed with me, there must be something special about them.)

Take a cue from your children – invite another single parent and their child(ren) for a sleepover.

Find someone who needs your kindness and offer it.

Get out your photo album. A recent scientific study showed that nothing, not chocolate, sex or booze, lifts one’s spirits more than looking at happy pictures.

Go to your local fancy schmancy bath store and buy an expensive Sex Bomb and throw it in your bath. If you’re not going to have sex, at least you can say you were prepared.

Put away the drugs, not because drugs are always a bad thing, but they are a bad thing when you’re not feeling good about your life.

Exercise a lot. It solves so much.

Accept the path that brought you to this column.

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

Pep Talk Video by The Comeback Coach Inspired by Single Mom

admin — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:44:21 +0000

“Hang On”

In this week’s Pep Talk video, the Comeback Coach, inspired by single women passionately performing double duty, encourages others to “hang on” during challenging times.

The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome

Barry — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 13:34:19 +0000

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July Weekend. It should be a time for family, barbecues, backyard games and maybe some fireworks.

Single parents and divorced parents sometimes face a different kind of fireworks that doesn’t need Independence Day to be set off.

Over the weekend I heard and witnessed some situations that got me thinking about what parents, especially divorced parents, do to be the favorite in the eyes of their children.

The feeling of needing to be “liked” more, is one of the hidden and one of the least discussed dynamic between divorced parents. Often times it is the culprit of the negative comments a single mom or single dad expresses to their children about the other parent.

Whether parents want to admit to this feeling or not, it is there. That twinge they feel when their child comes home after being with the other parent, talking excitedly about the fun time she had, or shows you the new toy or outfit he received.

The key to raising a healthy and loving child is not to do all you can to earn (or buy) your child’s love. It is more important to have your child respect you. Respect means they look up to you because you tried to always do the right thing for them. Respect you because you honored them by not ripping their mom (or dad).

The best advice I ever received and share with others going through the divorce process, is never tear down your ‘ex” to your children in an attempt to gain the “most favored” status. No matter how difficult and tempting this might be. They love their mom and dad and do not internally “get the good cop, bad cop, that is often thrown at them by angry, bitter, and often revengeful divorced parents.

This is one of the most difficult concepts for divorced parents to wrap their heads around. When your children get older, they will be able to sort out their feelings and emotions a bit better. They will be mentally mature enough to see the actions, not just the words of the other parent. You will be able to have a more adult conversation. After all, when kids are little, your are trying to get them to grasp your negative remarks towards your ex, by a person who can be convinced to do just about anything against their will by telling them you’ re going to count to three! Try doing that with a teenager. Get my point.

After just celebrating our nations independence, give your children the independence to decide for themselves. It is not important to have them love you best, but only love you as their awesome mom or dad.

What are your thoughts on this topic? What would be your advice to someone who is about to go through a divorce? Do you think it is OK to talk negatively about you ex or soon to be ex?

Internet Dating 101 and How I Met My Wife

admin — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:58:58 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan
Special to Single Dad Life

When I got separated and then divorced six years ago, the world of dating had gone through a change. Internet dating was well underway and the quaint idea of friends introducing you to other friends seemed to have gone the way of the horse and buggy. There were still bars and clubs, but those options didn’t appeal to me when I was young enough to consider them, and when my hearing was still good enough to survive the over-the-top decibels in such environments.

So, it was a brand new world for this middle-aged guy, and Internet dating was the method-du-jour. I had my two young sons full-time so dating of any kind meant babysitters, or meeting during school hours. Later, the issues became how much to disclose to the boys and when and if I should introduce them to a date.

I circumvented the standard profiles by changing mine, literally daily, making my profile in essence a blog. Oddly enough, I developed quite a following of (women) readers across the country. In its own way, that was the beginning of my writing career. I did the rest that was required and posted photos that were relatively current and I didn’t even Photoshop them too much.

But I quickly learned that truth was quite evasive on the Internet. While I didn’t peruse the profiles of the men on the dating sites that I used, I certainly became familiar with the women. It wasn’t rocket science to read between the lines. No photo meant there was a reason for no photo. Headshot only, meant there was a reason as well. Only one photo was equally suspicious. And, for us male slugs, let’s face the truth that our first impression is based on appearance.

What I also learned was that online dating was no different, in its essence, from in-person dating. The man did the pursuing; the woman did the choosing. Exceptions to every rule always exist, but I found I was reaching out to the women far more than the reverse. Quickly, I developed a thick skin, as maybe I would get a response to one in ten of the e-mail messages that I sent out.

The attractive women, at least attractive by the photos they posted, would sometime receive literally thousands of e-mail messages. I began dating one woman who told me that during a period of ten days, when we first began dating, she hadn’t checked her inbox. When she did, it had 9,000 e-mail messages. It certainly raised the question, why did she choose me? As great as I may think I am, I’m also realistic. The answer was quite sobering, as she said: the only way she could handle that volume was to do “eine meenie minie moe.” I was one of the lucky “moe’s” and what I wrote made her laugh, and that’s how we connected. Truly, lottery luck.

Before I tell you how I met Loren, my wife, I’d like to offer ten simple, non-gender specific dating tips; let’s call this Internet Dating 101:

If there’s no photo, there’s a reason. Move on.
Be patient. It’s a numbers game. Therefore, hang in there.
Don’t spend too much time e-mailing and chatting. If you feel there might be some chemistry, set up a meeting. First meeting is coffee only.Don’t make elaborate plans. If you like each other, there’s plenty of time for that. Also, if they’re too busy or it’s too difficult to schedule something, move on.
Don’t believe what you read. Be skeptical, but open. Most women lie about their age and weight; most men about their income and height.
Tell the truth about yourself — period, end of issue, no excuse.
Be clear on what you want and express it in your profile. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. For example, if you’re a woman and you just don’t like men with thinning hair, save him and you the waste of time by being clear about that in your profile. For a guy, if height or weight is important to you in a woman, be honest about it.
While I tend to diss self-help books, the book “He’s Really Not Into You” had some plain truths. If there are signs of disinterest, he or she is disinterested. And, often, it has nothing to do with you. Move on.
Men and women, over 35 or so, if never married, are often trouble. Not just the men. Women who have never married are as set in their ways as men, and (I’m going to get killed for this) probably more hung up on their careers.
Always, if you’re a woman, meet in a public place and only give out your cell number, if you don’t call the guy yourself first (which is better).
Be patient and don’t take it personally.

I met Loren exactly the way I’ve described above, by sending her an e-mail, based on her attractive photo and profile. She claimed to read every one of the thousands of e-mail messages that she received and mine also made her laugh. We set up a coffee date. I completely forgot about our meeting! Yup, I forgot, leaving her stood-up thinking what I jerk I was. When I realized my horrific mistake, I called. She took the call with the full intention of blowing me off. The degree of my mea-culpas won her over. She said that the fact that I had kids made her think my mind might have been temporarily made of mush. We set a second date.

The rest, another time, but suffice it to say, the second date was successful enough for a third — and more. We were married on December 27, 2008.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

No Excuse Not To Be Involved

admin — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:30:16 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but 50 per cent of any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.
The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer.

But the mothers in the village can only cry for five minutes because they won’t have time to figure out how to be a single mom. It’s more like, “Abacadabra, I have to be a single mom now for the sake of my children and fill in as the father the best I can.”

The children will be crying because they’ll think it’s their fault their dad left. They can’t possibly understand how he could abandon them. It goes against everything that is natural and right. And they’re 100 per cent correct, of course.

Unfortunately it seems some men in the Village of Toronto (Huron word for “place of meeting”) don’t “meet” their children often enough or at all.

Why is that? Research is unequivocal that few fathers abandon their children voluntarily. Most fatherless children result from fathers being forcibly separated from their children by the court system.

I’m not going to open that can of worms here. Not yet. It’s too big a can.

But I will say this: The family court process of determining who should have the right to see the children and when can be a horrific one.

I can understand how some of you fathers feel you can justify not being part of your children’s lives, however misplaced the thinking is. You may feel:

The legal system has left you exhausted, broke and cynical so what’s the point?

You got screwed by the courts, getting too little access to matter, so what’s the point if you show up at all?

Since your ex met another guy and he seems to have assumed the father role, what’s the point? (This cannot happen unless you want it to. Your children will never replace you, even if you see them but one moment a week, because you’re their father. Blood is blood. There’s only one condition. You need to be a good, loving father to gain your child’s loyalty.

There is no excuse for not playing a big part in your children’s lives, and deep down inside your naturally good heart you know that.

Your children need you so they can be the best well-rounded, happy people they have the right to be.

And how else are they going to know how to choose a loving partner or create a healthy relationship if they’re missing 50 per cent of their role models?

Regardless of what you’ve gone through, you have to climb up high on the mast, stick your face into the teeth of the hurricane and scream, “You call this a storm?”

Your children deserve your courage.

There’s an old Hebrew saying: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”

If you’ve been away from your children for too long, there’s still time to save them (and yourself), and consequently, make our world a better place. There’s no excuse for anything less.

Feel free to contact Peter via his website - www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

Kids deserve straight teeth and success at school

admin — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:44:01 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

Even in war, there are rules of civilized engagement. Men in suits gave these rules a great brand – the Geneva Conventions. They represent the bottom line on how people should behave in war.

No matter where you and your ex are at this moment, there are non-negotiable child-related issues that you must immediately come to terms with, regardless of your relationship, politics or court agreement.

It is necessary to reduce the cacophony to the essentials, aside from the most important, being loved; I’m talking about straight teeth and school work.

We all want our children to do well in life. Maybe we single parents want it just a tad more because we often feel so guilty about what we have “chosen” to put our kids through. I say “chosen” because I am a big proponent of taking ultimate responsibility for the relationship choices we have made in life.

Like it or not, we have chosen every moment with our ex. George Costanza put it another way: “It’s not you, it’s me.” And if Bill Clinton were a single parent, the sign on his wall would be, “It’s not the court, stupid, it’s me.”

Our children need straight teeth and a successful school experience to have a decent a shot at having a good life, and not one nanosecond of single-parent garbage should get in the way of that.

Teeth are an ultimate physical bottom line. You can be the Hunchback of Notre Dame and still find a great job or launch your own business empire if you have a great set of white, straight teeth. Whatever we have to do to ensure that our child could star in a Crest commercial if they wanted to, we have to do it.

If the access agreement states it’s single Mom who has the responsibility to pay the dental bills, but she can’t afford to, single Dad doesn’t spend one moment fuming, swearing or cancelling any dental appointments. Rather, you calmly foot the bill with no hesitation. If you can’t, sell something, anything.

Quid pro quo. If single Dad can’t pay, then single Mom pays in silence.

Unconditional teamwork is also essential in your child’s school work. Single parents must climb out of their respective trenches and find a way to meet in no man’s land to be on top of their child’s school progress.

For children to do the best they can in school, they should know that both parents are equally supporting their time and work there. Against all odds, we single parents need to sit down with our kids together, present a unified front and calmly discuss how school is going and what we can do to help.

We need to meet with their teacher with our ex, listen, respond, and then meet with our children to pay the necessary compliments and offer constructive suggestions on how to improve their life in school.

White, straight teeth and a successful school life – our children can’t leave home without them. It’s our responsibility, no matter what.

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

Let’s Relax a Bit on the Swine Flu

Barry — Sat, 02 May 2009 12:43:26 +0000

Ok, I realize that we need to take the swine flu seriously. But enough with the hysteria. It wasn’t long ago we were all frightened we were going to walk outside and see dead birds in our backyards and to run for the hills because of the bird flu.

Everyday on televison I see people with masks on and the number of reported cases in this state and that country. Now we hear the Vice President (who I think is a good family man), say on the Today Show he would discourage his family from going on planes, subways or any crowded area because it would be easier to pick up the bug if someone sneezes in a confined area. I heard it mentioned if you or a family member is sneezing, has a cough, runny nose, or a fever to be checked out to make sure it is not the swine flu. Huh? That could be half the population on any given day. Let’s just wash our hands, cover our mouths when we sneeze or cough, and take normal precautions.

As reported in an article posted by Vincent Iannelli,M.D , each year, the flu is reported to be responsible for almost 36,000 deaths. So the flu is always something to be taken seriously. However, just this morning it was reported by the Associated Press in my local newspaper, that the swine flu may be less potent, with the virus showing little staying power.

So let’s all take a deep breath and ease up a bit on the panic.

My Son Has the Swine Flu – A Daily Journal

The Joy of Single Parent Sex – Really

admin — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:20:13 +0000

Talk about an oxymoron and a book title not yet found on any shelf: The Joy of Single Parent Sex.

Surely it’s more relevant to single moms and dads to discuss the angst, court system, and the struggle to find a common ground with our Ex for the sake of our children.

Neither “single parent hedonism” nor “single parent sex” is found on Google. But “grandparents and sex” is. Up popped “grandparents caught in compromising position on the beach”.

I take great delight in finding something positive in an unexpected place, such as when I was 13 and found a Playboy magazine tucked into Uncle Moe’s bookshelf.

Years later, the unexpected place is the single parent home and the subject is sex.

Here is why I think there is joy in single parent sex:

When you’re out on a date and the person opposite you looks as perfect as a hot cup of coffee on a Sunday morning before the kids are awake, you can both talk about how you love your kids and actually get turned on a little more because knowing your date or lover, like you, loves their children, is wonderful common ground.

There is little chance either of you is a swinger because a great single parent can’t possibly have the time. And both of you will likely greatly appreciate the sex, as in “Thank you, Lord.”

Because the interval between sexual encounters is likely to be months or (gulp), years, each time is, well, like the first time. There is no way any single parent is going to approach sex with the words: “Oh yawn, I have to have sex again.”

And so, each roll in the hay, assuming the affection is mutual as it should be, is engaged in with great enthusiasm. You and your mate can bring your cellphones to the night table, both of you understanding it’s perfectly fine if your sex is interrupted by a phone call from either the babysitter or your teenager who is drunk and needs you to pick her up.

Not only would such an interruption not be a reason to get angry with the partner who must put their clothes back on after finally locating their underwear buried in the bedclothes, but in no time – say, the next day – it would also be an anecdote to share a laugh about.

You can tell anyone – the most cynical people you know, even your parents – that you had sex and they’ll be happy for you.

There are many reasons to be grateful for and inspired by your single parenthood. It can be a rewarding lifestyle, regardless of the fact that “woe is me” is too often attached to our current lot in life. (We’ll visit those reasons in subsequent columns.)

But for now, it’s summer, it’s hot, you’re hot, and every magazine out there talks about the joy of sex or how to have great sex.

I wanted to pay homage to the sex life of the world’s fastest growing family configuration, single parents.

We know all about sex. None of us is a virgin.

You can contact Peter at peter@geroninocode.com