Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First

The Best Interests of Your Children

By Deborah Moskovitch

While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children.

From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does this really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around? Read more

It’s Back To School: Developing Routine And Structure For Parents

By Deborah Moskovitch

As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make A Family Calendar

Hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates

• school schedules

• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish Rules Such As The Following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

• It’s up to you to take the initiative.

• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If You Are The Noncustodial Parent, Here Are Some Ideas To Help You Maintain A Positive Relationship
With Your Children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

It’s Too Easy To Wallow In Loneliness

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

How many times have we spent 45 minutes in a video store, only to walk out with nothing but a cloud over our head darker than the one we walked in with? Lot’s I bet? Write me and tell me I’m wrong.

Often, spending Saturday night alone again because our children are away from us and we are lover-less, the only thing we end up renting is a deeper depression.

On a recent weekend this single dad realized that he goes to the video store as much to be with other people as to rent a movie. How pathetic and lonely is that?

I also admit that what propels me to go food shopping is not a hunger for food but rather a hunger to be with other human beings. I’m starving for company. The woman behind the fish counter serving me snapper must wonder why I’m so bloody friendly; to the point of complimenting her on the layout of the fish on the ice.

I don’t need to see a psychiatrist for this evaluation – I’m lonely. Read more

Pep Talk Video by The Comeback Coach Inspired by Single Mom

“Hang On”

In this week’s Pep Talk video, the Comeback Coach, inspired by single women passionately performing double duty, encourages others to “hang on” during challenging times.

The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July Weekend. It should be a time for family, barbecues, backyard  games and maybe some fireworks.

Single parents and divorced parents sometimes face a different kind of fireworks that doesn’t need Independence Day to be set off.

Over the weekend I heard and witnessed some situations that got me thinking about what parents, especially divorced parents, do to be the favorite in the eyes of their children. Read more

Internet Dating 101 and How I Met My Wife

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan
Special to Single Dad Life

When I got separated and then divorced six years ago, the world of dating had gone through a change. Internet dating was well underway and the quaint idea of friends introducing you to other friends seemed to have gone the way of the horse and buggy. There were still bars and clubs, but those options didn’t appeal to me when I was young enough to consider them, and when my hearing was still good enough to survive the over-the-top decibels in such environments.

So, it was a brand new world for this middle-aged guy, and Internet dating was the method-du-jour. I had my two young sons full-time so dating of any kind meant babysitters, or meeting during school hours. Later, the issues became how much to disclose to the boys and when and if I should introduce them to a date. Read more

No Excuse Not To Be Involved

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but 50 per cent of any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.
The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer. Read more

Kids deserve straight teeth and success at school

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

Even in war, there are rules of civilized engagement. Men in suits gave these rules a great brand – the Geneva Conventions. They represent the bottom line on how people should behave in war.

No matter where you and your ex are at this moment, there are non-negotiable child-related issues that you must immediately come to terms with, regardless of your relationship, politics or court agreement.

It is necessary to reduce the cacophony to the essentials, aside from the most important, being loved; I’m talking about straight teeth and school work.

We all want our children to do well in life. Maybe we single parents want it just a tad more because we often feel so guilty about what we have “chosen” to put our kids through. I say “chosen” because I am a big proponent of taking ultimate responsibility for the relationship choices we have made in life.

Like it or not, we have chosen every moment with our ex. George Costanza put it another way: “It’s not you, it’s me.” And if Bill Clinton were a single parent, the sign on his wall would be, “It’s not the court, stupid, it’s me.”

Our children need straight teeth and a successful school experience to have a decent a shot at having a good life, and not one nanosecond of single-parent garbage should get in the way of that.

Teeth are an ultimate physical bottom line. You can be the Hunchback of Notre Dame and still find a great job or launch your own business empire if you have a great set of white, straight teeth. Whatever we have to do to ensure that our child could star in a Crest commercial if they wanted to, we have to do it.

If the access agreement states it’s single Mom who has the responsibility to pay the dental bills, but she can’t afford to, single Dad doesn’t spend one moment fuming, swearing or cancelling any dental appointments. Rather, you calmly foot the bill with no hesitation. If you can’t, sell something, anything.

Quid pro quo. If single Dad can’t pay, then single Mom pays in silence.

Unconditional teamwork is also essential in your child’s school work. Single parents must climb out of their respective trenches and find a way to meet in no man’s land to be on top of their child’s school progress.

For children to do the best they can in school, they should know that both parents are equally supporting their time and work there. Against all odds, we single parents need to sit down with our kids together, present a unified front and calmly discuss how school is going and what we can do to help.

We need to meet with their teacher with our ex, listen, respond, and then meet with our children to pay the necessary compliments and offer constructive suggestions on how to improve their life in school.

White, straight teeth and a successful school life – our children can’t leave home without them. It’s our responsibility, no matter what.

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

Let’s Relax a Bit on the Swine Flu

Ok, I realize that we need to take the swine flu seriously. But enough with the hysteria. It wasn’t long ago we were all frightened we were going to walk outside and see dead birds in our backyards and to run for the hills because of the bird flu.

Everyday on televison I see  people with masks on and the number of reported cases in this state and that country.  Now we hear the Vice President (who I think is a good family man), say on the Today Show he would discourage his family from going on planes, subways or any crowded area because it would be easier to pick up the bug if someone sneezes in a confined area.  I heard it mentioned  if you or a family member is sneezing, has a cough, runny nose, or a fever to be checked out to make sure it is not the swine flu. Huh?  That could be half the population on any given day. Let’s just wash our hands, cover our mouths when we sneeze or cough, and take normal precautions.

As reported in an article posted by Vincent Iannelli,M.D ,  each year, the flu is reported to be responsible for almost 36,000 deaths.  So the flu is always something to be taken seriously.  However,  just this morning it was reported by the Associated Press in my local newspaper, that the swine flu may be less potent, with the virus showing little staying power.

So let’s all take a deep breath and ease up a bit on the panic.

The Joy of Single Parent Sex – Really

Talk about an oxymoron and a book title not yet found on any shelf: The Joy of Single Parent Sex.

Surely it’s more relevant to single moms and dads to discuss the angst, court system, and the struggle to find a common ground with our Ex for the sake of our children.

Neither “single parent hedonism” nor “single parent sex” is found on Google. But “grandparents and sex” is. Up popped “grandparents caught in compromising position on the beach”.

I take great delight in finding something positive in an unexpected place, such as when I was 13 and found a Playboy magazine tucked into Uncle Moe’s bookshelf.

Years later, the unexpected place is the single parent home and the subject is sex.

Here is why I think there is joy in single parent sex:

When you’re out on a date and the person opposite you looks as perfect as a hot cup of coffee on a Sunday morning before the kids are awake, you can both talk about how you love your kids and actually get turned on a little more because knowing your date or lover, like you, loves their children, is wonderful common ground.

There is little chance either of you is a swinger because a great single parent can’t possibly have the time. And both of you will likely greatly appreciate the sex, as in “Thank you, Lord.”

Because the interval between sexual encounters is likely to be months or (gulp), years, each time is, well, like the first time. There is no way any single parent is going to approach sex with the words: “Oh yawn, I have to have sex again.”

And so, each roll in the hay, assuming the affection is mutual as it should be, is engaged in with great enthusiasm. You and your mate can bring your cellphones to the night table, both of you understanding it’s perfectly fine if your sex is interrupted by a phone call from either the babysitter or your teenager who is drunk and needs you to pick her up.

Not only would such an interruption not be a reason to get angry with the partner who must put their clothes back on after finally locating their underwear buried in the bedclothes, but in no time – say, the next day – it would also be an anecdote to share a laugh about.

You can tell anyone – the most cynical people you know, even your parents – that you had sex and they’ll be happy for you.

There are many reasons to be grateful for and inspired by your single parenthood. It can be a rewarding lifestyle, regardless of the fact that “woe is me” is too often attached to our current lot in life. (We’ll visit those reasons in subsequent columns.)

But for now, it’s summer, it’s hot, you’re hot, and every magazine out there talks about the joy of sex or how to have great sex.

I wanted to pay homage to the sex life of the world’s fastest growing family configuration, single parents.

We know all about sex. None of us is a virgin.

You can contact Peter at peter@geroninocode.com

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