By Rick Johnson

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you are just naturally drawn to a certain man? People like being around him. You can’t quite put your finger on what it is, but you know you like it. When he comes into a room or walks down the street people automatically notice him-they see something different about him. There’s something invigorating and compelling about him. It’s exciting and even a little dangerous to be around him. He’s calm but confident, relaxed but prepared, kind but authentic, and bold but compassionate. You feel safe and better about yourself in his presence.

You’ve just encountered authentic masculinity. It’s rare, but it’s out there.

One of the most misunderstood questions today is, “What is a real man?” In this two-part article we’ll look at some false attributes our culture thinks a “real” man possesses and then we’ll investigate what authentic masculinity really looks like.

Our society typically ascribes a dismal role to men, with low or no expectations of nobility or greatness. Few portrayals of men in the media are positive. Television shows and commercials often cast men as bumbling idiots with their wives as the competent ones in the family. This subtle attack on masculinity (all done under the guise of humor, which makes it acceptable) serves to make men question their worth and value.

I recently spoke at a church on the topic of “Why Men Matter.” This was an inspirational talk on the value of men in families and our society. Afterwards an elderly man approached me and said, “For my whole life as an adult man, over 50 years, all I’ve ever heard was the faults of masculinity. I’ve never been told I was important and valuable. To think I wasted all these years feeling bad about myself–thank you so much for telling me I mattered!”

Our culture patterns a somewhat perverted stereotype of what a man should be. Young men raised without fathers are especially confused by the images projected to them by today’s professional athletes, rap stars, and movies actors (many who were also raised without positive male role models) that model men as being self-indulgent, self-focused, hedonistic, or even violent.

Hollywood’s version of a man’s man is a kind of “leader of the pack,” alpha male; the kind of man other men look up to and try to emulate. He is typically a womanizer or at least able to charm all women into bed at will. He’s rugged, handsome, and tough. He can win against all odds and he doesn’t need any help from man or even God.

We learn early in life that to be successful we have to perform well. Cultural masculinity appears to hinge on the combination of the ability to make money (lots of it), have power, the adoration of many females, and sexual prowess. Here’s why these “performance” myths are false and even dangerous:

First of all hear this clearly. Money and power mean nothing. Men, you already have unprecedented power just by virtue of your gender. God has given each man the ability to change the world by himself! How you choose to use that power is another issue.

Secondly, money is just a tool. Making money is not hard. Anyone can make a lot of money. I’ve made a lot of money and lost a lot of money in my lifetime. Having owned several businesses I understand that making money is not difficult if your objective is just to become wealthy. For instance anyone could start a pornographic web site and make tons of money. You can cheat on business deals and take advantage of employees as a business owner and make lots of cash. However, making money with integrity is more difficult; becoming successful while maintaining your moral compass is more of a challenge and requires significant effort. Some of the most miserable men I know have a lot of money.

Third, having sex with scores of women is not difficult either. Many women, especially those reared without a father or who have been abused by men early in life, are easy targets for men without scruples. They are vulnerable to words that they wish to hear. These women desire masculine affection and validation so much that they willingly (if unwittingly) confuse sex for intimacy. But using women to confirm our manhood is a particularly non-effective tactic many men fall into. Unfortunately, femininity cannot ever bestow masculinity upon us, only masculinity can bestow masculinity. We know this in our heart-it’s why men raised by only women are often frustrated in the world of men. In the same way that a mother cannot bestow masculinity upon her son, a woman cannot bestow masculinity upon a man by sleeping with him. In other words even though we often consider sexual conquests or even the first act of sexual intercourse as the mark of manhood, a woman (even through sexual union) cannot grant that mantle upon a male. Some of the most immature, childish, and unhappy men I know sleep with a multitude of women.

Too often we men settle for judging ourselves by our sexual accomplishments, acquiring material possessions, conquering challenges, or sleeping with women in order to prove our manhood. Generally we do this when we have not had authentic role models to show us how a man acts. We then turn to posturing to try and show the world that we are in fact a “man.”

We have to find a way to give boys and young men a vision of masculinity that is greater and more inspiring than just making a lot of money or sleeping with as many women as possible.

We’ll address that issue in the second half of this article.

Article courtesy of Rick Johnson, Founder of  BetterDads.net

For more on this subject pick up a copy of Rick’s book, Power of a Man, The: Using Your Influence as a Man of Character

Related posts:

1. The Scent of a Man

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but 50 per cent of any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.
The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer.

But the mothers in the village can only cry for five minutes because they won’t have time to figure out how to be a single mom. It’s more like, “Abacadabra, I have to be a single mom now for the sake of my children and fill in as the father the best I can.”

The children will be crying because they’ll think it’s their fault their dad left. They can’t possibly understand how he could abandon them. It goes against everything that is natural and right. And they’re 100 per cent correct, of course.

Unfortunately it seems some men in the Village of Toronto (Huron word for “place of meeting”) don’t “meet” their children often enough or at all.

Why is that? Research is unequivocal that few fathers abandon their children voluntarily. Most fatherless children result from fathers being forcibly separated from their children by the court system.

I’m not going to open that can of worms here. Not yet. It’s too big a can.

But I will say this: The family court process of determining who should have the right to see the children and when can be a horrific one.

I can understand how some of you fathers feel you can justify not being part of your children’s lives, however misplaced the thinking is. You may feel:

The legal system has left you exhausted, broke and cynical so what’s the point?

You got screwed by the courts, getting too little access to matter, so what’s the point if you show up at all?

Since your ex met another guy and he seems to have assumed the father role, what’s the point? (This cannot happen unless you want it to. Your children will never replace you, even if you see them but one moment a week, because you’re their father. Blood is blood. There’s only one condition. You need to be a good, loving father to gain your child’s loyalty.

There is no excuse for not playing a big part in your children’s lives, and deep down inside your naturally good heart you know that.

Your children need you so they can be the best well-rounded, happy people they have the right to be.

And how else are they going to know how to choose a loving partner or create a healthy relationship if they’re missing 50 per cent of their role models?

Regardless of what you’ve gone through, you have to climb up high on the mast, stick your face into the teeth of the hurricane and scream, “You call this a storm?”

Your children deserve your courage.

There’s an old Hebrew saying: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”

If you’ve been away from your children for too long, there’s still time to save them (and yourself), and consequently, make our world a better place. There’s no excuse for anything less.

Feel free to contact Peter via his website - www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

Related posts:

1. Kids deserve straight teeth and success at school
2. Time For John Edwards To Be Single Dad
3. Good Men Step In To Become Dads

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

Even in war, there are rules of civilized engagement. Men in suits gave these rules a great brand – the Geneva Conventions. They represent the bottom line on how people should behave in war.

No matter where you and your ex are at this moment, there are non-negotiable child-related issues that you must immediately come to terms with, regardless of your relationship, politics or court agreement.

It is necessary to reduce the cacophony to the essentials, aside from the most important, being loved; I’m talking about straight teeth and school work.

We all want our children to do well in life. Maybe we single parents want it just a tad more because we often feel so guilty about what we have “chosen” to put our kids through. I say “chosen” because I am a big proponent of taking ultimate responsibility for the relationship choices we have made in life.

Like it or not, we have chosen every moment with our ex. George Costanza put it another way: “It’s not you, it’s me.” And if Bill Clinton were a single parent, the sign on his wall would be, “It’s not the court, stupid, it’s me.”

Our children need straight teeth and a successful school experience to have a decent a shot at having a good life, and not one nanosecond of single-parent garbage should get in the way of that.

Teeth are an ultimate physical bottom line. You can be the Hunchback of Notre Dame and still find a great job or launch your own business empire if you have a great set of white, straight teeth. Whatever we have to do to ensure that our child could star in a Crest commercial if they wanted to, we have to do it.

If the access agreement states it’s single Mom who has the responsibility to pay the dental bills, but she can’t afford to, single Dad doesn’t spend one moment fuming, swearing or cancelling any dental appointments. Rather, you calmly foot the bill with no hesitation. If you can’t, sell something, anything.

Quid pro quo. If single Dad can’t pay, then single Mom pays in silence.

Unconditional teamwork is also essential in your child’s school work. Single parents must climb out of their respective trenches and find a way to meet in no man’s land to be on top of their child’s school progress.

For children to do the best they can in school, they should know that both parents are equally supporting their time and work there. Against all odds, we single parents need to sit down with our kids together, present a unified front and calmly discuss how school is going and what we can do to help.

We need to meet with their teacher with our ex, listen, respond, and then meet with our children to pay the necessary compliments and offer constructive suggestions on how to improve their life in school.

White, straight teeth and a successful school life – our children can’t leave home without them. It’s our responsibility, no matter what.

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

Related posts:

1. No Excuse Not To Be Involved
2. The Joy of Single Parent Sex – Really
3. Time For John Edwards To Be Single Dad

Yesterday, I was laughing with my daughter about some of the funny stuff that  happened over the years.  The topic came up about some of the “tricky” situations that had occurred due to not having a female around to deal with certain issues.

The one that never fails to make us laugh is  when I was on my way home one night and my cell phone rang. “Dad, I am out of tampons.” Oh, great. This should be fun.

The first time you make this emergency run is always an adventure. It seems easy enough, until you hit the feminine hygiene isle at the supermarket. It must be 50 yards long!

Don’t ask me why, but for some reason I felt like the entire store was following me on the security camera.  I walked around a bit to gather myself. I was ready. Like on a combat mission, I was going in!

I checked out the different boxes, brands, and models. This felt  like being  at the car dealership, looking for just the right options.  Now I needed to make the call. Standing in front of the dizzying array of products, I talked softly into my cell phone, ” Which one do you need?  Lightdays, regular, super, compact?”

After I got that sorted out, she requests I get her some pads as well.  I go to that section and of course there is not just one pad selection! Again, the soft conversation as I looked around to make sure no one was listening. ” Do you need wings, lite days,  maxi?”

Once the selection was made, and I found myself carrying nothing but two feminine products, I realized that drastic action was needed. I don’t no why this was so uncomfortable. It’s not like the woman at the checkout  was going to think I was using these for myself. But for some reason I just felt self conscious.

As I approached the checkout isle, I found my solution.

Slowly riding down the conveyor, my two feminine products and a pack of  Juicy Fruit. Mission accomplished!

One last note. For a short time I did have a recurring nightmare. It usually ended hearing over the loudspeaker , ” Price check for Ultra  Compact Pads with Wings!”

Related posts:

1. Words That Hurt, Words That Heal
2. Gratitude – A Dad’s Point-of-View
3. My Dad is the Real Dad

Talk about an oxymoron and a book title not yet found on any shelf: The Joy of Single Parent Sex.

Surely it’s more relevant to single moms and dads to discuss the angst, court system, and the struggle to find a common ground with our Ex for the sake of our children.

Neither “single parent hedonism” nor “single parent sex” is found on Google. But “grandparents and sex” is. Up popped “grandparents caught in compromising position on the beach”.

I take great delight in finding something positive in an unexpected place, such as when I was 13 and found a Playboy magazine tucked into Uncle Moe’s bookshelf.

Years later, the unexpected place is the single parent home and the subject is sex.

Here is why I think there is joy in single parent sex:

When you’re out on a date and the person opposite you looks as perfect as a hot cup of coffee on a Sunday morning before the kids are awake, you can both talk about how you love your kids and actually get turned on a little more because knowing your date or lover, like you, loves their children, is wonderful common ground.

There is little chance either of you is a swinger because a great single parent can’t possibly have the time. And both of you will likely greatly appreciate the sex, as in “Thank you, Lord.”

Because the interval between sexual encounters is likely to be months or (gulp), years, each time is, well, like the first time. There is no way any single parent is going to approach sex with the words: “Oh yawn, I have to have sex again.”

And so, each roll in the hay, assuming the affection is mutual as it should be, is engaged in with great enthusiasm. You and your mate can bring your cellphones to the night table, both of you understanding it’s perfectly fine if your sex is interrupted by a phone call from either the babysitter or your teenager who is drunk and needs you to pick her up.

Not only would such an interruption not be a reason to get angry with the partner who must put their clothes back on after finally locating their underwear buried in the bedclothes, but in no time – say, the next day – it would also be an anecdote to share a laugh about.

You can tell anyone – the most cynical people you know, even your parents – that you had sex and they’ll be happy for you.

There are many reasons to be grateful for and inspired by your single parenthood. It can be a rewarding lifestyle, regardless of the fact that “woe is me” is too often attached to our current lot in life. (We’ll visit those reasons in subsequent columns.)

But for now, it’s summer, it’s hot, you’re hot, and every magazine out there talks about the joy of sex or how to have great sex.

I wanted to pay homage to the sex life of the world’s fastest growing family configuration, single parents.

We know all about sex. None of us is a virgin.

You can contact Peter at peter@geroninocode.com

Related posts:

1. The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome
2. Reading Single Parent Blogs Could Save Marriages
3. Summer and Single Parent Hedonism