A Dad, His Son, and D’s and F’s

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

What parent hasn’t dreaded report card time, especially when a child is underperforming? How do two kids, born of the same genetic material, turn out so differently when it comes to school performance and their work ethic?

When is it wrong if the “problem” child gets more attention than the one who gets his work done and maintains good grades? These are questions most households face and we are definitely in the middle of them right now.

My older son, Will, is multi-talented when it comes to music and disinterested when it comes to school. He plays several instruments and is almost a walking encyclopedia of contemporary music and even knows quite a bit about music from previous generations. He’s also multi-talented at fooling me about his school-work, even though he’s clear the truth about his grades will always surface.

I’m told that teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that rational thought doesn’t actually enter their heads until their 20’s. Okay (heavy sarcasm now intended), that excuses his excuses and, therefore, I’ll just let him continue to fail some classes, do sloppy work all around, and prioritize his social life over school. He also knows that a “B” average is necessary for him to be allowed to drive or even get his driver’s permit. Just after his 16th birthday I’ve learned he’s failing English.

English! His own language. I know “English” isn’t a class about learning to speak the language, but is about learning grammar and how to write. His dad is a writer, but will he come to me for help? Nah, he can get the “F” all by himself. Now, I’m sure you’re sensing a little anger and attitude coming from your erstwhile columnist. That’s because I am angry and frustrated.

This is where the contrast between siblings is so stark. His younger brother thrives on the discipline of school and homework. He requires no supervision. In fact, he often requires persuasion to skip school for a special occasion or trip that we might have planned. He’s actually afraid of his teachers. What a quaint idea in our age where some teachers are more afraid of their students and their parents. But, too much of the household attention is focused on his brother and that just isn’t fair to David, who is doing so well in school.

I know that we have only limited control of our kids’ behavior, especially as they enter fantasyland–the teen years. I’m reminded of a good friend who went through this sort of problem with his older son. At one point, they removed everything from his room–computer, books, games, pictures, literally everything! All that was left was a bed on the floor. His beloved portable devices, cell-phone, computer, etc. were all removed. Did he change? Nope. He was more stubborn than his parents, who eventually returned most of his stuff.

This is a loving nuclear family in which mom and dad are present, involved, and care deeply for their two children. Their son eventually rebelled further and they had to send him to a wilderness rehab camp where he partially turned around. My friend says the most important lesson his son learned was an awareness of the consequences of his actions on others–a great lesson for most teens.

Now, in his middle 20’s, this young man is living on his own and supporting himself. He’s still searching for fulfillment of his career passion, and has kept the same job for a while now in that field, though not making the kind of money he’d hoped for. That passion has been consistent for a long time, as has his passion for regularly smoking marijuana. His parents believe that this is their son’s way of self-medicating his inherent personality issues.

These parents still beat themselves up over what they might have done differently. I know them well and I know their son was destined to go his own way. He’s smart, still has his head on his shoulders, has never had a problem with the law, and may pull out of this successfully, though it will never replace all the lost and graying hairs on my friend’s head. Their biggest frustration, much like mine, is knowing that their son has all the tools and all the ability, but isn’t living up to his potential.

My son respects me. I support his extraordinary musical talents, but he will suffer consequences for his recent deceptions about school. His room won’t be emptied, but his computer is now available on an “as needed” basis as I have his keyboard and mouse. His social life is limited and he’s partially grounded, while I’m continuing to support his band practices and music lessons. While his attitude reflects irritation, he also still talks to me and hasn’t resisted a single “consequence” as he does know he’s messed up. As we say in my men’s group, he’s “owned” his part in this.

Will he turn it around before he’s 18? I hope so. Is there more I should be doing? I’m still discussing that with my wife, my men’s group, and our therapist, as maybe further therapy might be another option to include in our master plan. I never said it would be easy, being a parent, nor have I ever said that this dad has all the answers.

(Author’s Note: For my international readers, D’s and F’s refer to poor grades in our schools.)

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

It’s Back To School: Developing Routine And Structure For Parents

By Deborah Moskovitch

As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make A Family Calendar

Hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates

• school schedules

• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish Rules Such As The Following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

• It’s up to you to take the initiative.

• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If You Are The Noncustodial Parent, Here Are Some Ideas To Help You Maintain A Positive Relationship
With Your Children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

Back to School

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Recently, I saw a really funny commercial showing a man leaping with joy as he pulled something down an aisle. It was revealed to be a couch, with his two sullen kids sitting on it, and the background music was the famous Christmas song which extols, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It was a back-to-school ad and that dad was jumping for joy. It was very clever, so kudos to Staples. Yes, the kids are going back to school. We parents get our lives back–especially our evenings.

The job of parent revolves around the school calendar. Our chauffeuring responsibilities are different during the school year than during vacation times. One of the big differences, from my perspective, is the bedtimes for the boys. On “school nights” they have a curfew that gives us some quiet at night. However, during summer, the boys are allowed more freedom and Will, my almost-16-year-old, loves to stay up late and sleep late. At least I get quiet time in the summer mornings. It’s said that the more they sleep, in the summer, the more they’re growing. Will is 6 feet, 2 inches already! Read more