Single Dad Life » relationships

What Does the First Year of Marriage Portend?

admin — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 13:29:17 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Dennis Prager, one of the most influential men in my life, spoke on his talk show recently about the impact of a first year on marriage. He asked if an easy, successful first year or a difficult, hard first year were indicative of the long-term success of the marriage? He didn’t take a position either way, allowing callers to offer their stories, which were both positive and negative about the impact of their first years on their marriages.

As I’m about to survive, I mean celebrate, my first year of my second marriage, it raised some questions for me, worthy of thought. Our first year has been both wonderful and rough, in many unforeseen ways, and I’ve wondered what it means for our future.

Second marriages naturally have their own challenges, as we tend to be older and bring more history (aka “baggage”) to the union. Ours was no exception, as we came with a trove of differences as well as some important commonalities. On our honeymoon, we met another couple that also had some pretty inherent disparities and we enjoyed a friendly debate about which of us was the most dissimilar couple.

I met my wife online and the first sentence of her profile asked, “Do you ski?” That I do, and it became the basis for our introduction. In fact, we were pretty matched as skiers, since Loren had grown up in Vancouver and had skied her whole life. I may be a bit more aggressive, a bit more “go for it” in my approach, but there’s no doubt that she’s a more graceful and elegant skier. However, beyond skiing, we discovered many other shared interests and values along with some substantial differences.

Though our religions were different, the common values we shared from our respective religions were actually more compatible than had our political views been different. I learned that irony in my former showbiz days when I became good friends with a Christian writer I was working with and we discovered we really shared the very same values and, as it turned out, political views. Our only difference, really, was in the role of Jesus in the world. I’ll save that discussion for another time, if at all, as I’m no religious expert.

So, my wife and I had skiing and basic values (e.g. The Ten Commandments) in common. Those basic values included our political orientation. Our differences were racial and religious, as I’m a Jewish white guy and she’s Christian Chinese. On the surface we were from different religions and different cultures. However, two similarities that our cultures and religions share are love of food and education. Different foods, but love of eating, cooking, and sharing a meal couldn’t be more identical. The same can be said of our belief in the value of education, though I’ve actually become more relaxed about the value of a college education than I used to be.

As to our differences, let’s say like real estate where the mantra is “Location, location, location” our main difference is “clean, clean, clean.” Loren is quite organized, neat, and dare I say obsessed with cleanliness, while I maintain a decidedly relaxed attitude towards it. Since I was a single dad, with two boys and two dogs, that relaxed attitude became more ingrained as keeping clean became less a priority than our emotional survival during the initial period of we three boys living together, without a female in our midst.

Our first year of marriage was complicated by the stresses of several outside events, beginning with the death of my mother, shortly before we married, and including the emergence of my older son into full teen-dom. For Loren, there were several health problems, including several minor surgeries literally all in the first year of our marriage, plus two more severe scares relating to the health of her parents (both of which have been resolved well). And, Loren has had to deal with her profession being at the center of the storm of recession, as she’s a real estate agent.

Love may conquer all, but there are still large hurdles that we’ve both faced in this freshman term of our marriage. This is especially true for her, as the sole female entering our male world. There were some tight bonds formed during the years we were just “we guys.” And, to top it off, Loren had to adjust to moving from the center of the city to the outskirts of suburbia, where we lived. Since her future stepsons were entrenched in their schools and social lives, she understood and graciously made that change as well.

All these factors made for an interesting and challenging first year. Our saving grace was the willingness to acknowledge that we occasionally needed help. We’ve gone to a wonderful therapist who has both sternly counseled us on our respective childish behaviors and given us feedback and useful tools, which we’ve tried to implement. I emphasize, “tried,” as teaching old dogs new tricks is a challenge.

While I’m writing this from my point-of-view, I know that Loren will agree that we’re equally stubborn and set in our ways. However, we’re both equally willing to work on these issues with our therapist and recognize that this second marriage is no picnic. But, it is completely and absolutely worth the effort and compromises, and the resulting joys that we share. Don’t tell her, but I lucked out!

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Can Families Avoid Playing Favorites?

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:48:15 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Sitting in Starbuck’s the other day, waiting for my car to be serviced, I sat next to a mom who shared a “dirty little parenting secret.” Her kids, and she and her husband, have “favorites.” She gets along better with their younger child while her husband gets along better with the older child. I believe that this is natural, ubiquitous, and something most parents are ashamed to admit.

The only thing to be ashamed about is if one’s actions show overt favoritism. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, though I know some religions believe that what is in one’s heart is what matters most. I strongly disagree with that philosophy and believe that what is in our hearts or minds only matters if we act on it. We all have occasional thoughts of doing something that we shouldn’t. When we hold those in check, we’re being responsible.

Parents would not be human if they didn’t relate to the child that more mirrored themselves, their personality, their likes and dislikes, etc. Similarly, parent may like one or another child at different times in their lives, due to behavior, interests, temperament, etc. And, let’s face it; we all know genetics don’t mean clones, as each child can be so different in looks and personality.

My boys are so different in just about every characteristic. My older son mirrored me, almost to a “T” while my younger one was more like his mother. However, for me, while I recognized and occasionally felt frustrated by this difference, I kept it inside and scrupulously avoided favoring one over the other.

Sadly, their mother (now my ex) copied her own family’s poor behavior and favored our youngest son. This became exacerbated during our separation and divorce, creating different but equally troubling problems for the boys and their feelings of security, safety, and parental love. My oldest responded with anger, while my younger son chose the “pleaser” route, never wanting to rock the boat.

I actually found myself working extra hard to overcompensate for her behavior. I questioned every punishment, every granted privilege, and many other parenting choices with the analysis of a judge, weighing the pros and cons to excess. In fact, I know there were times that I may have actually gone overboard in this regard, by punishing one too severely and letting the other off too easy.

Yet, my younger son, having grown up witnessing this horrible prejudice from his mother, was overly sensitive to anytime he felt I might have favored his brother, thinking the reverse would happen with him. Yet he knows, as the more cooperative child, the one who always does better in school, that his brother receives far more consequences than he does.

The Starbucks mom and I discussed this and agreed that our best efforts at compensating and not playing favorites might not be how the children experience it. This is like the foolish sexual harassment laws in which the perception of the “harassed” is the sole determinant of guilt. The same may be true with our children and their perception of our behavior and possible favoritism.

In this case, I have to side with the child’s perception and argue for extra vigilance on the part of parents. If David feels I’m favoring his older brother, I must look hard and deep at my actions rather than just be defensive. Unlike the aforementioned sexual harassment laws, I do believe that the child’s perception should be considered more seriously than a parent’s intentions.

This also applies to our interactions with our spouses. When my wife says, “You hurt my feelings,” the female mantra and my wife’s mantra, I often reflexively say, “No, I didn’t.” And, naturally, she immediately charges that I can’t possibly know her feelings. Of course, she’s correct, no matter how hard I try to defend my actions. This is exactly the same with our children on favoritism matters. My younger son is probably extra attuned to it, on the lookout for it, and may often be projecting an inaccuracy.

It doesn’t matter. I have to work that much harder to assure him that he stands in equal status with his brother. I know he does in my heart, but that isn’t always enough. As stated earlier, it’s our actions that matter most.

Obviously, the same may apply in the other direction. A child will naturally often prefer one parent over another due to treatment related to discipline, fun, amount of time together, etc. That is why there is the stereotype of the weekend parent being the “good guy” who only takes the children on fun play dates, buys them things, and is otherwise a “yes” parent.

This is a sad situation when it occurs, but I believe it’s incumbent on the primary parent to hold the line and retain standards of behavior and rules. Remember that most children know the difference, ultimately, between the “fun” parent and the “real” parent who puts in all the time, rain or shine, sick or healthy, good times and bad. After all, that is what parenting is all about.

Picture courtesy of Madaise

10 Steps to a Happy, Healthy Remarriage

admin — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:58:54 +0000

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Don’t call them deadbeats. Research shows that today’s fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever — an average of nearly three and a half hours a day more than Dads of a few decades ago. Kids and fathers alike are reaping the benefits; more time spent together sows the seeds of closeness. But the flipside of this trend is that it makes divorce more painful for fathers than ever before. As one man I interviewed said, “There are no words to describe the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in every night.”

His dilemma is not uncommon. While dads are increasingly parenting on the front lines, custody is still more or less automatically awarded to mom. “Even when custody is technically joint, dad may get far less time with the kids,” says Texas divorce lawyer Stuart Gagnon. And so they want the time they do get together to be perfect. “I don’t harp on my daughter to pick up her towel since she’s only here for a couple of days,” one dad told me. Another said proudly, “My kids come whenever they want, and when they do, it’s all about them.”

It might sound good in theory (particularly if you’re the kid of such a “Disney Dad”), but it can spell trouble when there’s a serious romantic relationship on the horizon or in the works. For all the benefits that increased involvement confers, Uber-dads have a harder time than their fathers did when it comes to balancing their own needs and their children’s. Over and over, women and men I interviewed as I researched my book Stepmonster told me of guys who felt confused, even guilty, about repartnering. “He and his kids won’t let me in,” women say. “I feel torn between my partner and my children,” the men confide.

Here are some guidelines for the divorced dad who repartners while wondering, “Can I pull this off?” The short answer: Yes! You deserve to move forward not just as a parent but as a person. Here’s how:

Let go of the guilt. You’re allowed to have a relationship. And it will not harm your kids. In fact, seeing dad in a healthy, happy relationship can be a powerful lesson for the kids, reaffirming their sense that lifetime partnership can work.
Let go of the fear. Divorced dads are often afraid that their ex-wives or their children will “punish” them for repartnering. “It’s a common anxiety but, to get through it, have faith in yourself as a parent and as a person,” advises Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD, author of The Power of the Middle Ground: a Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship. “Yes, your ex may be angry and even say things like, ‘Daddy doesn’t care about you anymore.’ In this case, you need to demonstrate resilience: trust in your bond with your child while making it clear that he or she can talk to you about anything — including their doubts and fears. Do this and you will succeed in working through the challenges and transitions that lie before you,” says Babits.
Accept that it usually isn’t easy. Kids and dads can become incredibly close post-divorce. That may mean more resistance to a serious girlfriend, no matter how nice she is: “Hey, she’s hogging my dad!” If you expect that it’s normal for your kids to be ticked about the change, you’ll be less likely to blame yourself — or your partner — when you encounter such predictable (but trying) bumps.
Ask yourself the tough questions about your parenting. Do you parent from guilt and fear? Are you permissive? Have you created a child-centric household? Might your kids even believe they have veto power over your choice of a partner? All this sets her up to be the heavy, their opponent rather than their friend. Research shows that kids do best with authoritative parenting — high levels of warmth and high levels of control. Shoot for that to give your kids and your partnership a leg up.
While you’re at it, get real about your kids. Know that if your situation is typical, they won’t necessarily act in ways that make it easy for your partner to spend time with them at first. Indeed, it’s like that your partner may at some point become frustrated about the kids. Understanding that your kids aren’t perfect during this transition will spare your partner the common snag of being the meanie who points out their flaws to you.
Invite your partner to the center of the family — pronto. One interviewee told me that, as soon as he knew he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he had to tell his teen daughter, “I love you but I also love Holly, and I won’t let you be unkind to her. She’s here to stay.” This spared everyone months of agonized fighting about whose place was where, and whose role was what.
Give a “jealous” or resentful partner the benefit of the doubt. Stepfamily expert Elizabeth Church notes that stepmothers and stepmom figures often feel excluded and shut out — because they are. Jealousy on her part is likely a sign not that she is a stepwitch, but that you have not yet invited her to take her rightful place with you at the head of the table, literally and metaphorically.
Start from the ground up together. It’s important to avoid what I call Barnacle Syndrome. Many well-meaning divorced dads just want to stick a partner onto their lives as they already are, without altering a thing about their own routines, rituals, and habits. Sure, you have kids. But that doesn’t mean you don’t move into her place, get a new place together, or at the very least redecorate your place as a team. Acknowledge that things must change when you partner.
Take time away from your kids. It’s as important as the time you spend with them. You’re taking the pressure off them, and teaching them that partners take care of one another, every time you do.
Lose the unrealistic notion of “two firsts.” Remarriages with children are tremendously vulnerable and need extra tending. The sooner you tell your kids of any age, “I love you, but Susie is here to stay and I love her too, so you can’t be rude to her,” the better. Nothing is more confusing to kids or more demeaning to a partner than a relationship that revolves around your children.

©2009 Wednesday Martin Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines. She earned her doctorate in comparative literature from Yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, the New School, and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons.

E-mail, Etiquette, and Friends

admin — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:31:11 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

E-mail is so ubiquitous that we forget that it isn’t talking on the phone or having a conversation in person. Subtlety, facial expressions, or tonality are all lost in an e-mail message. I have found this has gotten me in trouble when I think I’m being funny, subtle, or sarcastic in an e-mail. And, the habit many of us have of forwarding a joke, photo, or an article creates even greater problems in many cases.

I think e-mail should probably be treated as Eliza Doolittle was advised in “My Fair Lady” about making conversation. “Stick to the weather and health” was Professor Higgins’s caution. Even that proved problematic as Eliza went into too much embarrassing detail about her own family’s health, before she completely blew it with her expletive encouraging one of the racehorses to “move your bloomin’ ass!”

I read recently that e-mail, like so many new technological innovations, may be receding in popularity among the younger generation in favor of instant messaging (on cell-phones and computers) or “tweeting” via Twitter, which is limited to something like 140 characters of text. Acronyms are the norm and the list of these short cuts, like “ttyl” (talk to you later) or “btw” (by the way), just keep growing and growing.

Correspondence, like in the days of pen and ink, has gone the way of the horse and buggy. But, e-mail is its own special creature and I’ve found it rampant with potential misunderstandings and strains on relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stung by an e-mail reply to something I’ve sent out that I felt that person might really enjoy–or maybe, God forbid, learn something from. “My bad” to quote my son as I’m learning that almost no one but those closest to you want such e-mail.

For me, it’s learning whole new behavior, rules, and etiquette. And, there are actually some new rulebooks, though for me it’s been mostly learning by trial and error. An early book on this subject is “Send: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home” by David Shipley and Will Schwalbe. Amazon.com’s review said: “Funny, engaging, and oh-so-practical, “Send” is the ultimate etiquette handbook for email, making David Shipley and Will Schwalbe the “Miss Manners” resource for the digital age. Full of practical insights, “Send” is an invaluable resource for anyone who uses e-mail, and is guaranteed to help you “think before you click.” I’m just not sure I want to consult it for every decision regarding e-mail.

My wife is very typical for a woman as she prefers to talk vs. correspond via e-mail with me, her husband. When we’re apart, I think it’s easier to just put a sentence or two in an e-mail, especially if it’s just a simple question. This is a case where I must take into consideration her feelings and pick up the phone and call.

My boys, on the other hand, totally ignore my e-mail but respond instantly to a text message. My younger son is truly glued to his cell-phone as he’s messaging his friends constantly. It’s amazing. I never see him on the phone unless it’s a fellow classmate calling about a homework issue or problem. He also doesn’t make as many play dates as when he was in elementary school, though he clearly has many friends. Is this emblematic of the times?

As for me, my biggest disappointment has been the reactions some friends to e-mail that I’ve sent with an article that I felt was important. I don’t send anything of a political nature anymore to those friends who think the “other way,” but even many of my like-minded friends have asked me to stop sending them any e-mail of a non-personal nature. If it’s to check on how they’re doing, make plans to get together, wish someone a happy birthday, or the like, it is fine. Just don’t send them that healthcare column by a noted writer or something dealing with the Middle East.

I am a passionate man in everything I do, so when my friends react this way, it hurts and disappoints. As I’ve often declared, most everyone knows where the delete button is and, if there’s respect for the person sending such an e-mail, how difficult is it to peruse a few sentences to see if it’s of interest. Then, if it doesn’t grab you, just hit “delete.” I have fought this for too long and am throwing in the towel. Now, I just send out those sorts of e-mail to the much-reduced list of friends and family that welcome them and often send me the same in return.

Our children are growing up with this and other technology and it will all be a part of their lives hereafter. They don’t have memories of 8-track tapes, reel-to-reel recording tape, LPs, or transistor radios. To them, early cell-phones were big and clunky. So, I will bet they will develop an instinctual knowledge of e-mail and other new-tech etiquette. As it evolves, they’ll evolve with it. But, for my generation, and me it’s a struggle in the same way my parents could never learn to program their video tape recorder or store a phone number in a cell-phone.

Picture courtesy of Fletcher Prince

A Conversation with the Founder & Editor

Barry — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:27:57 +0000

Yesterday, I was interviewed by Joanie Winberg, on Blogtalkradio.com/Single Again. She is also the of Founder of The National Association of Divorce for Women and Children- www.NADWC.com.

What a wonderful experience. Joanie was so easy to talk to and it really felt like we were just having a conversation. I look forward to working with her on more projects in the future.

I think you will enjoy the discussion. Just click on the BlogTalk Radio logo below and give a few moments for it to load. The interview lasts for about 30 minutes.

I would be very interested in reading your feedback. Thanks for listening and I appreciate you stopping by!

No related posts.

Time To Set Sail – Pep Talk Video

admin — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:35:10 +0000

In this week’s Pep Talk video, inspired by a smart third-grade girl, the Comeback Coach encourages you and others to hoist the sails and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Bon Voyage!

Can a Relationship Survive This Much Stress?

admin — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:20:51 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

How much stress can a new relationship survive? I am fond of quoting the cliché that most of us would rather keep our own problems vs. trade with someone else. Yet, lately, I wonder. Okay, I’ll keep our troubles, but it does raise the notion of enough is enough.

I just had a ski accident in which I fell so hard that I was knocked unconscious. There were apparently no witnesses and I still don’t remember exactly what happened since the only thing I recall is waking up on the emergency toboggan, zooming down the mountain, being loaded into the ambulance, and taken to the Emergency Room. After a bit of prodding, I knew my name and began to feel the hurt in my shoulder. Later, all my memory returned except for the accident itself, which remains a mystery.

I should be grateful that I wore a helmet, since the concussion was mild, though the injury to my shoulder wasn’t. Two broken bones, a lot of bruises elsewhere, and a rousing headache were mine after they “relocated” the shoulder (which I also forgot, fortunately).

Loren, in her fear and panic, and not being there, proceeded to criticize me for being too old to do this stuff anymore (she’s right). It seemed the culmination, for us, of just one too many stressful incidents. We’ve been married less than six months, and dating less than three years, and the number of stressful incidents in our lives seems to occur too frequently.

The short list includes two surgeries for her last year, this accident, and another hospitalization for me just months before we got married, along with the economic collapse of her business (real estate), the diminution of our respective savings and retirement accounts, my emerging teenager’s full-blown attitude, a forced move when our landlord gave us notice, and the subsequent scramble to find a place that would accept three dogs, packing and moving when we did find an acceptable place, and finally one of our dogs nearly killing our neighbor’s dog and requiring isolation and a potential indefinite prison term (the dog, not us). And, that was just the first month of our marriage (just kidding).

Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine but we haven’t felt like laughing much lately. We know better than to feel sorry for ourselves, but the onslaught of all these events have worn us down. I didn’t even mention the health scare that Loren’s father had and, more recently, the brain tumor discovered in her mom, which will require surgery (but is likely benign). How much are we supposed to handle? I tend to believe God gives us just the right amount so we should be flattered that he thinks so highly of us. But, I’d rather be further down on his list and have a few months go by without incident.
The lessons the boys got from our economy collapsing are probably good –learning to save, learning to delay gratification, maybe reading a book instead of going to a movie, etc. For us, I suppose the lessons relate to appreciating our health when we have it, our parents when they’re alive and well, and each other — regardless of the ups and downs.

I know my parents endured multitudes of troubles far greater in comparison to ours, yet they rarely played the feeling-sorry-for-themselves card. So, I suppose my recent accident can be a reminder to me of my good fortune in surviving with just my arm in a sling vs. a Christopher Reeve, Sonny Bono, or Natasha Richardson-type accident.

Our economic adjustments pale in comparison to those losing their homes, now, in foreclosures, losing their jobs, or the mass unemployment and dislocation of so many during The Great Depression. I picture those great black and white photos of the migrant workers and that one of a woman looking so forlorn and lost, holding a hand to her face, and think how bad is it for me and us?

But, we do bicker, we do find fault. We’re not seeing the good in allowing our formerly comfortable lives to make our behavior, at times, spoiled and unappreciative of the blessings we share. So, I’ll go on record with some of the things I do appreciate about my life, that have nothing to do with the Dow Jones average or my next car or vacation.

Let’s start at the top; my wife’s pies. Really, what else in life can compare? Or her amazing salads, short ribs, roasted chicken, Chinese cooking, and more. How about my dogs’ unconditional love? The look on their faces when I get home is complete adoration. Holding my wife on a cold evening, with a fire going in our bedroom fireplace, and feeling her silky smooth skin is a treat beyond compare. And, when I come home from mentoring my fatally ill friend, with his genetic disease which will cut his life short around 30, I look at my two boys with heavenly gratitude for their good health, mental acuity, and great looks (from me, of course), even if I want to strangle my teen more often than not.

Our relationship will survive this round of stress. We’ll learn; we’ll grow; we’ll fight; we’ll make up. Life’s good, even with my arm in a sling.

Bruce Sallan Half-Pipe Action

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.