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Good Men Step In To Become Dads

admin — Mon, 17 May 2010 15:08:02 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

My single mother collected bottles on Miami Beach for money. I know because she told me.

I was on Google Earth recently to learn more about that “beach-bottle” time. I had a frayed document with the Miami address. After I punched it in, I was beamed down to float right above our Miami apartment.

I hovered over the laneway that my mother had to have walked down to find her bottles. I stared at a great swath of sand at the end of the laneway, sharing the pain, shame and poverty that my mother must have felt.

We eventually fled back to Montreal, where we first lived in one room with my grandparents on the Esplanade and then finally to our own flat in Outremont, where I played in the mud and gravel behind the building.

When I was 5 years old, I told my mother, “I want a daddy” and a year later I was sitting on Gunther Ehrlich’s lap.

She asked, “How would you like Gunther to be your father?” Without hesitation, I said, “Yes.” When I found out we shared the same birthday, Dec. 6, the deal was spiritually sealed.

Until meeting him I had never fished, seen stars in the sky, walked in the woods or visited a zoo.

Gunther Ehrlich took me everywhere and introduced me to a new and beautiful world that I explored with unbridled joy.
He provided us with a real home, a life defined by cottages, lakes, hiking and fishing.

When we were not at the cottage, he took us on road trips to Vermont, Maine or the Adirondacks.
He taught me that travel is a great form of education and that the road less travelled is the best one, the place where one finds the greatest treasures.

For the first time I saw that men, too, can love and nurture and I was at last in the company of a man who “wanted” to be my father.

When my father said, “Here are the car keys,” he gave me wings, allowing me to experience the joy of independence.

My mother died at 49 when I was 17 years old. I still needed him and he was always there for me. Without him I would have fallen through the cracks of society.

I now know the degree of love and commitment it took for this “magic-man” to walk into my life and take on the mantle of father.

Who is a man who “wants” to father someone else’s children? He’s someone who:

Sees past the notion that the only children worth loving are those created by his sperm and that anything else is less sacred.

Finds joy in giving to children because the torch he wants to pass on isn’t defined by his last name, but rather the quality of love he feels a natural desire to impart.

Understands that love is an activity, that there’s a reason children dance even when standing still. Children need to be active, have their heads stuck in everything good and beautiful. He makes this happen.

Sees life as a process and wouldn’t deem a failed marriage a mistake. He gives a single Mom every opportunity to start anew and revels in the glow she radiates as she sheds the parched skin of a painful past.

He’s a man who saves lives. He’s also my father.

Thank you, Dad. I’ll pass it on to your grandson.

Feel free to contact him via his website – www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

When Did I Become the Senior Dad?

admin — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:17:09 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

While walking with a friend the day after Thanksgiving, we shared our respective holiday experiences and noted that we were both now the senior dads–the main paternal figure in our respective families. We laughed together, but it was a moment of melancholy and reflection, both of which were feelings I had this Thanksgiving.

My father died four years ago and my mother died just a year ago, so this was our first Thanksgiving in which neither of my parents was with us. Yes, the aging of my parents effectively made me the “man in charge” for many of their later years, but I still viewed them as the senior generation and offered them the respect and deference that they continued to deserve during those difficult years. But now, other than an older 3rd cousin that I adore, it’s now me representing that older figure in our small family.

What does that mean? How do I view my role differently now? What are my obligations in this role? What deference, if any, should I expect now that I’m the senior male adult in our family? These are the questions that I was thinking about at our wonderful turkey meal this year. My wife is an extraordinary cook so we had a terrific feast, but a quiet one with just the four of us because of last minute cancelled travel plans. That boosted my awareness of the changes that have taken place in the hierarchy of my family.

As we’re all adjusting to our newly blended family, it’s natural that my wife and I are struggling to figure out our respective functions in the family. We both believe there is inherent value and I might even add sanctity in the mother and father roles. We also believe they are different and we like to celebrate those differences. Consequently, she does look to me to be the man while I absolutely look to her to be the woman of the family.

The difference, however, is her parents are still very much alive, healthy, and an active, though a geographically distant presence in her life. For me, the realization that I’m now “the old guy” is sort of daunting. I feel it is my responsibility to make sure that certain rituals are observed and that my sons are taught to treat their elders respectfully. That now means me. I thought no yuppie ever became an elder? Didn’t our generation say to “never trust anyone over 30?” Is Mick Jagger really over 60? Am I now over a decade older than JFK when he died, two decades older than when George Gershwin died, and three decades older than when James Dean crashed his Porsche? Tell me I’m wrong, please?

It’s a sobering reality as, of course, we all age but my generation was convinced we’d do it better than our predecessors. No, we’re just getting more plastic surgery and realizing the same changes that happen to everyone who gets older. We are more forgetful, absent-minded, our bodies aren’t as responsive as they once were, and like in Bruce Springsteen’s song, “Glory Days,” we tend to tell stories from our past and relive those memories repeatedly. I’m no exception as my family and wife are tired of many of those stories.

Still, becoming the patriarch of my family carries weight with me. It forces me to think more deeply about my choices and how they affect my family. Dr. Bruce Powell, a brilliant educator, said that our children see, watch, and remember almost everything we do. So, we model for them and our good and bad behavior is completely absorbed by them. I remind myself of this every time I drink more than two glasses of wine in their presence, when I swear, and especially if my wife and I quarrel in front of them.

I never said I was perfect, though I strive for an ideal that now seems even more important, so I hope to be the best model I can be. At this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, I didn’t say much and I now realize I missed an opportunity. We have a wonderful ritual that we do every Friday, when we celebrate Shabbat–the Jewish Sabbath–that I believe is a great fully established tradition in our family.

We go around the table and each person present, whether it’s just our family and/or guests, takes turns telling the best and worst things that happened to them in the previous week. The only rule is that only one worst is allowed. The result is we each get to reflect on our lives with extra emphasis on the things that are good, the things to be grateful for, and it allows us to learn what each person feels is most important to him or her.

My boys have no memory of not performing this ritual. Now that I am the senior dad in the family, I will look to reinforce this tradition, establish others, try and be the best patriarchal figure I can be, and also work to better model a loving marriage for my sons with my lovely bride of just one year (we married December 27, 2008).

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and

A Dad, His Son, and D’s and F’s

admin — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:47:22 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

What parent hasn’t dreaded report card time, especially when a child is underperforming? How do two kids, born of the same genetic material, turn out so differently when it comes to school performance and their work ethic?

When is it wrong if the “problem” child gets more attention than the one who gets his work done and maintains good grades? These are questions most households face and we are definitely in the middle of them right now.

My older son, Will, is multi-talented when it comes to music and disinterested when it comes to school. He plays several instruments and is almost a walking encyclopedia of contemporary music and even knows quite a bit about music from previous generations. He’s also multi-talented at fooling me about his school-work, even though he’s clear the truth about his grades will always surface.

I’m told that teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that rational thought doesn’t actually enter their heads until their 20’s. Okay (heavy sarcasm now intended), that excuses his excuses and, therefore, I’ll just let him continue to fail some classes, do sloppy work all around, and prioritize his social life over school. He also knows that a “B” average is necessary for him to be allowed to drive or even get his driver’s permit. Just after his 16th birthday I’ve learned he’s failing English.

English! His own language. I know “English” isn’t a class about learning to speak the language, but is about learning grammar and how to write. His dad is a writer, but will he come to me for help? Nah, he can get the “F” all by himself. Now, I’m sure you’re sensing a little anger and attitude coming from your erstwhile columnist. That’s because I am angry and frustrated.

This is where the contrast between siblings is so stark. His younger brother thrives on the discipline of school and homework. He requires no supervision. In fact, he often requires persuasion to skip school for a special occasion or trip that we might have planned. He’s actually afraid of his teachers. What a quaint idea in our age where some teachers are more afraid of their students and their parents. But, too much of the household attention is focused on his brother and that just isn’t fair to David, who is doing so well in school.

I know that we have only limited control of our kids’ behavior, especially as they enter fantasyland–the teen years. I’m reminded of a good friend who went through this sort of problem with his older son. At one point, they removed everything from his room–computer, books, games, pictures, literally everything! All that was left was a bed on the floor. His beloved portable devices, cell-phone, computer, etc. were all removed. Did he change? Nope. He was more stubborn than his parents, who eventually returned most of his stuff.

This is a loving nuclear family in which mom and dad are present, involved, and care deeply for their two children. Their son eventually rebelled further and they had to send him to a wilderness rehab camp where he partially turned around. My friend says the most important lesson his son learned was an awareness of the consequences of his actions on others–a great lesson for most teens.

Now, in his middle 20’s, this young man is living on his own and supporting himself. He’s still searching for fulfillment of his career passion, and has kept the same job for a while now in that field, though not making the kind of money he’d hoped for. That passion has been consistent for a long time, as has his passion for regularly smoking marijuana. His parents believe that this is their son’s way of self-medicating his inherent personality issues.

These parents still beat themselves up over what they might have done differently. I know them well and I know their son was destined to go his own way. He’s smart, still has his head on his shoulders, has never had a problem with the law, and may pull out of this successfully, though it will never replace all the lost and graying hairs on my friend’s head. Their biggest frustration, much like mine, is knowing that their son has all the tools and all the ability, but isn’t living up to his potential.

My son respects me. I support his extraordinary musical talents, but he will suffer consequences for his recent deceptions about school. His room won’t be emptied, but his computer is now available on an “as needed” basis as I have his keyboard and mouse. His social life is limited and he’s partially grounded, while I’m continuing to support his band practices and music lessons. While his attitude reflects irritation, he also still talks to me and hasn’t resisted a single “consequence” as he does know he’s messed up. As we say in my men’s group, he’s “owned” his part in this.

Will he turn it around before he’s 18? I hope so. Is there more I should be doing? I’m still discussing that with my wife, my men’s group, and our therapist, as maybe further therapy might be another option to include in our master plan. I never said it would be easy, being a parent, nor have I ever said that this dad has all the answers.

(Author’s Note: For my international readers, D’s and F’s refer to poor grades in our schools.)

Misinformation From the Stepmothering Industry

barryk — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:18:38 +0000

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish.

Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say:

Remember that his kids will always come first.

Leave the disciplining to him.

You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t.

With patience and love, they will come around.

The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right.

For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial (see chapter 6). It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships.

The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them.

Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations.

For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her.

If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.”

“Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging.

As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out.

Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice.

What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority.

I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me.

Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them (see chapter 4). Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what?

The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd.

It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? – expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is.

Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far.

You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t.

We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk.

The above is an excerpt from the book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Author Bio
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.
A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Raising Kids Takes a Lot of Luck

barryk — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:58:37 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems.

Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Why Teens Need Dads

barryk — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:19:21 +0000

By: Ben Murphy

When our kids are young they think we dads are gods (well, for the most part anyway). We’re smart, strong, handsome… it’s really nice, isn’t it? But, come the teen years things can get complicated despite the best of intentions. The “because I’m your father, that’s why” argument no longer holds much water and we realize that some of the only clout we have in our teen’s lives is the consistent time we’ve invested in them growing up.

As the teenage years progress, there are times that your child will open up and share things with you, and times that they won’t – even if you have a great relationship. Perhaps it’s helpful to understand why teens need their fathers, and what you can do to deepen that relationship.

Fathers are a boy’s role model for how to be (or not to be) a man. It’s been said “link a boy to the right man and he seldom goes wrong.” There’s an awful lot of truth in that and, ideally, a boy’s father should be that man. Whether you like or not, you are probably the #1 influencer on what kind of man your son becomes. Make sure you’re a positive influence. Model for your son what you’d like him to be. Model how he should treat women by how you treat your wife and daughter. Whether it seems to be sinking in or not, he is paying attention to how you are a man and it will influence him deeply.

Fathers are a girl’s benchmark for how they should be treated. Want your daughter to think highly of herself and expect others to do the same? Than treat her that way. Girls learn relationship and love and respect from their fathers; both how their fathers treat them and their mother. There’s not a more formative time for this perception than during the teenage years. Girls learn how they should be treated by how their dads treat them. Show your daughter how she ought to be treated, and instill in her high expectations of herself and how others should treat her as well.

Time is probably the most critical aspect of your influence on your teen. Kids figure out pretty quickly that their dad is a busy guy. That’s why your time means so much to them. Your teen needs you to spend time with them. They probably won’t tell you that, but they do. If you don’t spend time with them, they simply can’t learn from you. And, just being in the room doesn’t count. We all have crazy schedules and there are many things vying for our time, but time with our kids should be quality and undistracted. Turn off the blackberry and give your teen your attention. And set aside reliable time to spend with your kids.

Welcome your teen’s friends. As frightening as it sounds, studies have consistently shown that parents do not have as much influence over their children as their children’s friends do. So, know their friends. Make your home an inviting place for them all to hang out. There’s no substitute for knowing your child’s friends and having them in your home as opposed to having them out-and-about running loose (and you stressing about it). Granted, you need to give your child their freedom, but make your home a place they can always have friends over… make sure your child and their friends know that your home is a safe place they are always welcome to come and hang out. Friends are absolutely formative to a teen’s world and you being part of that creates a better relationship with your children.

Ask the questions you know are on their mind. Teens don’t often express what they want to ask you, but if you’ve spent any time with your child, you can probably sense it. They need you as a sounding board for guidance and advice. Raise the questions you know they want to ask.

Let your teen make some choices. Within reason, give them some leeway to make choices, even if they’re awkward for you. Let them pick what’s on the radio in the car, where you grab dinner, a project to tackle together, or where to take a vacation. Remember that what seems like a little decision to you may seem like a big decision to your teen. Allow them the satisfaction of knowing you trust them enough to do so.

Ben Murphy is the Founder and CEO of TheFatherLife.com, an online men’s magazine for dads. He lives in New York State with his wife and two daughters.

Can Families Avoid Playing Favorites?

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:48:15 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Sitting in Starbuck’s the other day, waiting for my car to be serviced, I sat next to a mom who shared a “dirty little parenting secret.” Her kids, and she and her husband, have “favorites.” She gets along better with their younger child while her husband gets along better with the older child. I believe that this is natural, ubiquitous, and something most parents are ashamed to admit.

The only thing to be ashamed about is if one’s actions show overt favoritism. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, though I know some religions believe that what is in one’s heart is what matters most. I strongly disagree with that philosophy and believe that what is in our hearts or minds only matters if we act on it. We all have occasional thoughts of doing something that we shouldn’t. When we hold those in check, we’re being responsible.

Parents would not be human if they didn’t relate to the child that more mirrored themselves, their personality, their likes and dislikes, etc. Similarly, parent may like one or another child at different times in their lives, due to behavior, interests, temperament, etc. And, let’s face it; we all know genetics don’t mean clones, as each child can be so different in looks and personality.

My boys are so different in just about every characteristic. My older son mirrored me, almost to a “T” while my younger one was more like his mother. However, for me, while I recognized and occasionally felt frustrated by this difference, I kept it inside and scrupulously avoided favoring one over the other.

Sadly, their mother (now my ex) copied her own family’s poor behavior and favored our youngest son. This became exacerbated during our separation and divorce, creating different but equally troubling problems for the boys and their feelings of security, safety, and parental love. My oldest responded with anger, while my younger son chose the “pleaser” route, never wanting to rock the boat.

I actually found myself working extra hard to overcompensate for her behavior. I questioned every punishment, every granted privilege, and many other parenting choices with the analysis of a judge, weighing the pros and cons to excess. In fact, I know there were times that I may have actually gone overboard in this regard, by punishing one too severely and letting the other off too easy.

Yet, my younger son, having grown up witnessing this horrible prejudice from his mother, was overly sensitive to anytime he felt I might have favored his brother, thinking the reverse would happen with him. Yet he knows, as the more cooperative child, the one who always does better in school, that his brother receives far more consequences than he does.

The Starbucks mom and I discussed this and agreed that our best efforts at compensating and not playing favorites might not be how the children experience it. This is like the foolish sexual harassment laws in which the perception of the “harassed” is the sole determinant of guilt. The same may be true with our children and their perception of our behavior and possible favoritism.

In this case, I have to side with the child’s perception and argue for extra vigilance on the part of parents. If David feels I’m favoring his older brother, I must look hard and deep at my actions rather than just be defensive. Unlike the aforementioned sexual harassment laws, I do believe that the child’s perception should be considered more seriously than a parent’s intentions.

This also applies to our interactions with our spouses. When my wife says, “You hurt my feelings,” the female mantra and my wife’s mantra, I often reflexively say, “No, I didn’t.” And, naturally, she immediately charges that I can’t possibly know her feelings. Of course, she’s correct, no matter how hard I try to defend my actions. This is exactly the same with our children on favoritism matters. My younger son is probably extra attuned to it, on the lookout for it, and may often be projecting an inaccuracy.

It doesn’t matter. I have to work that much harder to assure him that he stands in equal status with his brother. I know he does in my heart, but that isn’t always enough. As stated earlier, it’s our actions that matter most.

Obviously, the same may apply in the other direction. A child will naturally often prefer one parent over another due to treatment related to discipline, fun, amount of time together, etc. That is why there is the stereotype of the weekend parent being the “good guy” who only takes the children on fun play dates, buys them things, and is otherwise a “yes” parent.

This is a sad situation when it occurs, but I believe it’s incumbent on the primary parent to hold the line and retain standards of behavior and rules. Remember that most children know the difference, ultimately, between the “fun” parent and the “real” parent who puts in all the time, rain or shine, sick or healthy, good times and bad. After all, that is what parenting is all about.

Picture courtesy of Madaise

Holidays a time to take high road

admin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:26:51 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich

Special to Single Dad Life

Listen. Can you hear it? The air is so still. And can you see the gathering clouds?

Looks as if a storm is headed right for our sometimes fragile single parent homes and, if not prepared, we’ll be picking up the pieces for a long time. It’s called the holiday season.

You weathered the first storm of the season, the summer holidays, by working out an access agreement that was equitable so your ex didn’t freak out and have to call the lawyers at $250 hour, which neither of you can afford.

Halloween is the start of the holiday season because that’s when we start sharing our children big-time for life’s big moments. (If you’re Jewish, the holiday dysfunction begins at sundown in September.)

Only a single parent can look at a Mars bar and get depressed, muttering, “Halloween is coming. Please Lord, help me.” Our children, in their innocence, have a different take on those first candies. (“Wow! It’s Halloween soon and I get to trick or treat and then Christmas (or Hannukah) and holidays. Then New Year’s and I can stay up.”)

The holidays, the perfect time for a perfect storm composed of every feeling of resentment, pain and regret, with our children caught in a crossfire of biting hail and howling wind; a single parent opera choreographed to the music of U2.

Write me and tell me I’m wrong!

If there ever is a time to take the high road it’s now, because a Halloween mask should not be on a child’s face to mask their pain of watching us fight.

I’ve been reading about Buddhism and I came across the Four Noble Truths. One of them is “the origin of suffering is attachment.” With single parents and holidays this could mean an attachment to our children and past that gets in the way of their happiness, our ex’s and ours.

But the “cessation of suffering” is possible. By stepping back and detaching, you will understand that children only “know they are an embodiment of both of you.” You are left, therefore, with no choice but to make the holidays work by accepting whatever plan is right for the kids.

This means sharing your children because your children want and need to be shared. With no further ado, but much detachment:

Halloween – if you really can’t make the journey up the neighbors’ walk as a family, then choose your child’s favorite neighborhood, select a meeting place and time, and with grace, politely hand your child off to your ex. After the kiss, turn around, detach and be grateful for all you have.

At Christmas, alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day annually. (If both parents are capable and committed, no one parent should have both the evening and the whole next day 24/7.)

For Hannukah, access for four consecutive days and nights that end with the lighting of the menorah. When your child is not with you, detach emotionally, light the candles and love yourself.

On New Year’s Eve and Day, alternate access between parents each year. You have your child on the eve? Great. But you must detach and give up the next day.

Lots of us will fail our children in some way this holiday season. Failure or suffering is part of our journey, the first noble truth – life is suffering.

That’s okay.

James Taylor once said, “I failed, I failed and I failed again. And then I became a man.”

In our case, it is “I failed and failed and failed again. And then I became a great single parent.”

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

or visit his website: www.geronimocode.com

E-mail, Etiquette, and Friends

admin — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:31:11 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

E-mail is so ubiquitous that we forget that it isn’t talking on the phone or having a conversation in person. Subtlety, facial expressions, or tonality are all lost in an e-mail message. I have found this has gotten me in trouble when I think I’m being funny, subtle, or sarcastic in an e-mail. And, the habit many of us have of forwarding a joke, photo, or an article creates even greater problems in many cases.

I think e-mail should probably be treated as Eliza Doolittle was advised in “My Fair Lady” about making conversation. “Stick to the weather and health” was Professor Higgins’s caution. Even that proved problematic as Eliza went into too much embarrassing detail about her own family’s health, before she completely blew it with her expletive encouraging one of the racehorses to “move your bloomin’ ass!”

I read recently that e-mail, like so many new technological innovations, may be receding in popularity among the younger generation in favor of instant messaging (on cell-phones and computers) or “tweeting” via Twitter, which is limited to something like 140 characters of text. Acronyms are the norm and the list of these short cuts, like “ttyl” (talk to you later) or “btw” (by the way), just keep growing and growing.

Correspondence, like in the days of pen and ink, has gone the way of the horse and buggy. But, e-mail is its own special creature and I’ve found it rampant with potential misunderstandings and strains on relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stung by an e-mail reply to something I’ve sent out that I felt that person might really enjoy–or maybe, God forbid, learn something from. “My bad” to quote my son as I’m learning that almost no one but those closest to you want such e-mail.

For me, it’s learning whole new behavior, rules, and etiquette. And, there are actually some new rulebooks, though for me it’s been mostly learning by trial and error. An early book on this subject is “Send: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home” by David Shipley and Will Schwalbe. Amazon.com’s review said: “Funny, engaging, and oh-so-practical, “Send” is the ultimate etiquette handbook for email, making David Shipley and Will Schwalbe the “Miss Manners” resource for the digital age. Full of practical insights, “Send” is an invaluable resource for anyone who uses e-mail, and is guaranteed to help you “think before you click.” I’m just not sure I want to consult it for every decision regarding e-mail.

My wife is very typical for a woman as she prefers to talk vs. correspond via e-mail with me, her husband. When we’re apart, I think it’s easier to just put a sentence or two in an e-mail, especially if it’s just a simple question. This is a case where I must take into consideration her feelings and pick up the phone and call.

My boys, on the other hand, totally ignore my e-mail but respond instantly to a text message. My younger son is truly glued to his cell-phone as he’s messaging his friends constantly. It’s amazing. I never see him on the phone unless it’s a fellow classmate calling about a homework issue or problem. He also doesn’t make as many play dates as when he was in elementary school, though he clearly has many friends. Is this emblematic of the times?

As for me, my biggest disappointment has been the reactions some friends to e-mail that I’ve sent with an article that I felt was important. I don’t send anything of a political nature anymore to those friends who think the “other way,” but even many of my like-minded friends have asked me to stop sending them any e-mail of a non-personal nature. If it’s to check on how they’re doing, make plans to get together, wish someone a happy birthday, or the like, it is fine. Just don’t send them that healthcare column by a noted writer or something dealing with the Middle East.

I am a passionate man in everything I do, so when my friends react this way, it hurts and disappoints. As I’ve often declared, most everyone knows where the delete button is and, if there’s respect for the person sending such an e-mail, how difficult is it to peruse a few sentences to see if it’s of interest. Then, if it doesn’t grab you, just hit “delete.” I have fought this for too long and am throwing in the towel. Now, I just send out those sorts of e-mail to the much-reduced list of friends and family that welcome them and often send me the same in return.

Our children are growing up with this and other technology and it will all be a part of their lives hereafter. They don’t have memories of 8-track tapes, reel-to-reel recording tape, LPs, or transistor radios. To them, early cell-phones were big and clunky. So, I will bet they will develop an instinctual knowledge of e-mail and other new-tech etiquette. As it evolves, they’ll evolve with it. But, for my generation, and me it’s a struggle in the same way my parents could never learn to program their video tape recorder or store a phone number in a cell-phone.

Picture courtesy of Fletcher Prince

What Do Teens Need Anyway? Just Ask Them.

admin — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 13:16:52 +0000

By: Ben Murphy, TheFatherLife.com

Seriously! What do teenagers need, anyway?

Parents are told to stand by their teens but also let them be independent. We’re told to be real about sex and drugs, but… we probably know more than we want them to know at this stage of their lives. There are so many conflicting messages from the experts, what’s a parent to do?

The best experts on being a teenager are teenagers themselves, so I dug around for feedback that teens have given on what they need from their parents. And, as much as folks may perceive teens as hormonal maniacs texting their lives away, the reality is that teens are full of hope and energy while still being very vulnerable (despite the outward façade).

In fact, the vast majority of teens (71%) cite their parents as their chief role model, with teachers coming in a far second at 40%. Although they may not tell you what they need from you, their parent, they have lots of hopes and ideas. Here, in a nutshell, is a list of some of what teens need from us as parents:

BE FRANK ABOUT SEX: Even though, in the grand scheme of things, there are far worse things that
could happen (like imprisonment), I think every parent’s worst nightmare is having their teenager
unwittingly become a parent. While teens probably know more about sex than we did as kids, our
perception that they know everything about sex is far from the truth. What our teens need from us is our
experience and wisdom that comes with our own experience with sex. Teens may have the book
knowledge, but lack the life context and practical advice to comfortably make wise sexual choices. And
they will either learn from us or learn from outside influences. So, if you want your teen learning about sex
in a healthy way, create an environment (regardless of how uncomfortable it initially makes you) where
they can always ask you anything they want about sex. Period. Otherwise, they’ll get their pointers
somewhere else.

STOP NITPICKING: A study by the University of Illinois found that, “parent’s conversations with their
teens too often focus on chores that need to be done, schedules that need to be kept, hair that needs to be
combed, and other topics that teens consider dull and monotonous or fault-finding.” But when the lead
psychologist on the study, Tore Hayden, asked several hundred teenagers what they really wished they
could talk about with their parents, the response included: Family Matters, Taboo Issues, ‘The Big Why’s,
The Future, Current Affairs, and their own Parents as Teens. Those are broad, far-reaching topics, but teens
want their parents to engage them in these discussions because it gives them grounding and meaning and
identity. And the interaction with you on more than just the day-to-day helps them decipher how to make
their own choices in life.

BE FRANK ABOUT DRUGS: Teens know academically (because they’ve been told) that drugs ruin
lives. Parents, on the other hand, have experienced the reality of drugs wreaking havoc in someone’s life.
Teens need to know what you’ve experienced. It’s one thing to say, “Don’t do drugs because they’re bad,”
but teens need proof. Share your stories of what you’ve seen in your life around drug use (even if it
involves you at one point in time). The best argument to not do drugs is to have seen someone’s life ruined
by drugs. Expose your teen to that reality as you’ve experienced it.

IDENTITY AND AMBITION: All the research and feedback I found pointed to a teen’s need for
identity. We all need an identity, don’t we? It’s just that in a teen’s world everything is magnified and
identity is the crux of their existence. One of the quotes that stuck with me was, “Teens want to create, to
change the world, to be older than they are… and as a driving force they want to do this now!” Give your
teen the opportunity and leeway to get their feet wet in things that interest them. Give them room to explore
their identity and ambitions and allow them to involve their friends as well as friends is a key source of a
teen’s identity.

Writing this month’s column really drove home the point that if you’re wondering what your teen needs,
just ask them. Understand that, if you haven’t had a great relationship with your teen, they may not give
you a straight answer right away. But if you’re consistent and truly authentic, they’ll tell you. And that
honesty is the beginning of a great relationship with your teen!

Ben Murphy is the Founder of TheFatherLife.com, the men’s magazine for dads. He lives in New York
State with his wife and three daughters

Photo courtesy of yellowblade67