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What Does the First Year of Marriage Portend?

admin — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 13:29:17 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Dennis Prager, one of the most influential men in my life, spoke on his talk show recently about the impact of a first year on marriage. He asked if an easy, successful first year or a difficult, hard first year were indicative of the long-term success of the marriage? He didn’t take a position either way, allowing callers to offer their stories, which were both positive and negative about the impact of their first years on their marriages.

As I’m about to survive, I mean celebrate, my first year of my second marriage, it raised some questions for me, worthy of thought. Our first year has been both wonderful and rough, in many unforeseen ways, and I’ve wondered what it means for our future.

Second marriages naturally have their own challenges, as we tend to be older and bring more history (aka “baggage”) to the union. Ours was no exception, as we came with a trove of differences as well as some important commonalities. On our honeymoon, we met another couple that also had some pretty inherent disparities and we enjoyed a friendly debate about which of us was the most dissimilar couple.

I met my wife online and the first sentence of her profile asked, “Do you ski?” That I do, and it became the basis for our introduction. In fact, we were pretty matched as skiers, since Loren had grown up in Vancouver and had skied her whole life. I may be a bit more aggressive, a bit more “go for it” in my approach, but there’s no doubt that she’s a more graceful and elegant skier. However, beyond skiing, we discovered many other shared interests and values along with some substantial differences.

Though our religions were different, the common values we shared from our respective religions were actually more compatible than had our political views been different. I learned that irony in my former showbiz days when I became good friends with a Christian writer I was working with and we discovered we really shared the very same values and, as it turned out, political views. Our only difference, really, was in the role of Jesus in the world. I’ll save that discussion for another time, if at all, as I’m no religious expert.

So, my wife and I had skiing and basic values (e.g. The Ten Commandments) in common. Those basic values included our political orientation. Our differences were racial and religious, as I’m a Jewish white guy and she’s Christian Chinese. On the surface we were from different religions and different cultures. However, two similarities that our cultures and religions share are love of food and education. Different foods, but love of eating, cooking, and sharing a meal couldn’t be more identical. The same can be said of our belief in the value of education, though I’ve actually become more relaxed about the value of a college education than I used to be.

As to our differences, let’s say like real estate where the mantra is “Location, location, location” our main difference is “clean, clean, clean.” Loren is quite organized, neat, and dare I say obsessed with cleanliness, while I maintain a decidedly relaxed attitude towards it. Since I was a single dad, with two boys and two dogs, that relaxed attitude became more ingrained as keeping clean became less a priority than our emotional survival during the initial period of we three boys living together, without a female in our midst.

Our first year of marriage was complicated by the stresses of several outside events, beginning with the death of my mother, shortly before we married, and including the emergence of my older son into full teen-dom. For Loren, there were several health problems, including several minor surgeries literally all in the first year of our marriage, plus two more severe scares relating to the health of her parents (both of which have been resolved well). And, Loren has had to deal with her profession being at the center of the storm of recession, as she’s a real estate agent.

Love may conquer all, but there are still large hurdles that we’ve both faced in this freshman term of our marriage. This is especially true for her, as the sole female entering our male world. There were some tight bonds formed during the years we were just “we guys.” And, to top it off, Loren had to adjust to moving from the center of the city to the outskirts of suburbia, where we lived. Since her future stepsons were entrenched in their schools and social lives, she understood and graciously made that change as well.

All these factors made for an interesting and challenging first year. Our saving grace was the willingness to acknowledge that we occasionally needed help. We’ve gone to a wonderful therapist who has both sternly counseled us on our respective childish behaviors and given us feedback and useful tools, which we’ve tried to implement. I emphasize, “tried,” as teaching old dogs new tricks is a challenge.

While I’m writing this from my point-of-view, I know that Loren will agree that we’re equally stubborn and set in our ways. However, we’re both equally willing to work on these issues with our therapist and recognize that this second marriage is no picnic. But, it is completely and absolutely worth the effort and compromises, and the resulting joys that we share. Don’t tell her, but I lucked out!

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

5 Key Reasons For Conflict In A Marriage

admin — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:13:00 +0000

Marriage Problems

Courtesy of James J. Gross

“In any group of people there are different agendas,” said my friend, who ought to know because she has a PhD in psychology.

“And different agendas mean conflict.”

Now comes the important part. “A group is any number more than one!”

So a marriage is a group. That means two different agendas. And that means conflict.

There can be many reasons for conflict in a marriage.

Infidelity. Infidelity is involved in about one divorce in five. Some marriages can survive infidelity. But if there is another man or woman in your life, then you are not in a committed relationship and there is a problem with your marriage

Domestic Violence. Verbal or physical violence is reason for divorce. Everyone has the right to be free from unwanted touching and physical harm. Words can hurt as much or more as physical pain. Spouses can be put out of the marital home for verbal or physical violence.

Control. Sometimes control is the issue. A husband may find success in the business world by exerting control. He tries to run his house the same way. A wife may stifle her emotional needs for years in the hopes that things will get better. Finally she leaves. Even if he tries to change now it is too late. She does not believe him.

Finances. Disagreement over finances may cause conflict. Opposites attract. A wife who is a saver might marry a spender. The wife might feel like she is rescuing the husband by providing order and a budget. The husband might enjoy the structure that the wife brings. But after a while, the restrictions are too binding and the husband rebels. The wife reacts by being even more strict than she normally would be on her own. Different financial strategies and philosophies can cause conflict in a marriage.

Parenting. People have different approaches to parenting. One parent may feel the other is too strict with the children. Another may feel the other parent is too lenient with the children and that the children need to learn independence. One parent may feel the other is lax about the children’s weight or medical problems. The other sees that parent as overprotective and perhaps even a hypochondriac.

There are alternatives to divorce. By the time people get to the lawyer’s office, they have usually made up their minds to get a divorce. But a few change their minds, or want to give their marriage one last chance. In that case, there are a few things you can try.

It is difficult to discuss these issues with your spouse. And some couples have no communication at all. You have to get your thoughts out of your head and into your mouth and then onto paper. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down at the kitchen table and talking to each other. However, most of us think that if we talk and talk, the other person will finally be persuaded that we are right. That will not work in this situation. You both have to listen and acknowledge what the other person has said before you speak.

Mediators are trained professionals who remain neutral and will help you reach agreements. It may be possible to negotiate a post-marital agreement to resolve some of the conflicts that have arisen in your marriage. In addition to finances, you can even include such details as who will cook meals, who will carry out the trash or how frequently you will have sex.

Counseling is a good way to figure out what to do. The marriage counselor will ask questions that help you think more clearly about what is going on and what you want. The marriage counselor will help the two of you communicate better with each other and provide ways for you to resolve your conflicts. When control is the issue in a marriage, sometimes all the couple needs is a good conflict resolution mechanism.

Article courtesy of Maryland Divorce Lawyers

In Sickness and in Health

admin — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 09:56:41 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

My wife had a medical emergency early one recent morning. The details are unimportant, but the care and response that we received were very important. At five a.m., she called her doctor and got him on the phone. He said we should call 911, which we did. Within a few minutes both a paramedic vehicle and a fire truck arrived at our door. Moments later, she was getting attended to by three men in uniforms while I sat nearby feeling useless.

It was quickly determined by their efforts and in conference with the doctor that she was well enough for me to drive her to the hospital. So, less than 30 minutes after this began we were on the road. As it was so early, the drive was traffic-free and we entered the Emergency Room as the sun was rising. Thankfully, it was a quiet morning there so we were quickly ushered into “Triage” and then given a bed. In no time, a nurse had begun an IV and shortly afterward, the doctor on call did an exam. He had already spoken with my wife’s primary doctor.

A couple of hours later, she was in a regular bed in the hospital. And, shortly thereafter, she was wheeled to the pre-op area and had a minor surgery at mid-afternoon, of this same day. In post-op, she was quite out of it, thanks to the anesthesia kicking in. Our discussion centered on her desire to extort jewelry out of me since she felt entitled due to this event. The nurses were being thoroughly unhelpful as they discussed the size of the diamond she should receive as compensation. I was able to dodge this, thanks to the anesthesia, as she later forgot all about that misguided idea. About 14 hours after the whole episode began, we were back home, and she was in her own bed, and eating some hastily made pasta made by my our emerging super-chef, my younger son.

Somehow, I have a hard time believing this would’ve happened as quickly, as perfectly, as attentively, and with as much kindness and care if we end up with national health-care, managed by the government. To be fair, let’s consider opposing viewpoints.

My wife’s parents live in Canada and her mother recently had surgery for a brain tumor. When this was discovered, a MRI was ordered. So they waited. And waited. Over two months later, they finally got the MRI only due to the fact that her surgeon intervened, as he wanted to do her surgery prior to his month-long August vacation. Thankfully, the surgery and post-op have been wonderfully successful and her parents were not only grateful, but especially proud of the fact that it cost them in the hundreds of dollars vs. the hundreds of thousands of dollars it might have cost elsewhere.

Further, my wife’s family has an uncle who claims that he would have been broke and/or dead without the benefit of Canada’s health-care system, since he’s been the unlucky victim of numerous serious illnesses and surgeries.

My own parents, who died at ages 89 and 90, had about a dozen major surgeries between them. Ironically, most were at the same hospital where my wife had her recent surgery. My dad was a self-insured blue-collar worker, while my mom managed the family finances and was the quintessential fifties housewife. I can’t imagine how they would have financially survived their various health traumas without the benefit of Medicare.

I don’t know which system is best and I don’t want to advocate any system. I just want to thank God for the care my wife just received. I realize, yet again, that the only wealth is our health. I look at my boys in times like these and reflect how lucky I am to have a teen with “attitude,” unlike a good friend of mine whose son has Cystic Fibrosis. Or my pre-teen who likes to question everything I ask of him, when another good friend of mine has two pre-teens with such problematic learning disabilities that he wonders how or if they’ll ever be able to take care of themselves.

I am reminded that “sweating the little things” is really foolish, that appreciating all we so often take for granted is the key to happiness, and that my wife’s pies are truly a gift from heaven to cite just one of the many little miracles she provides our family. I also am grateful that my boys were caring enough that they both called to check on their step-mom rather than think of whatever inconveniences this episode might cause them.

And, finally, I’m grateful to the doctors, paramedics and firemen, and other medical staff members who dropped whatever they were doing, on a moment’s notice, and took special care of my wife. When we made our vows, little did we know that we’d be tested on the “in sickness and in health” area as quickly and as often as we have been. I believe that it’s the stressful times that test a relationship the most. I hope that I passed the test this time.

Photo courtesy of Rosser321

My Wife Cheated On Me – Will That Affect Who Is At Fault For Divorce?

admin — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:37:27 +0000

Submitted Question:

I am looking at getting divorced from my wife of 24 yrs. I found her cheating on me and so that is that.

Will her infidelity have any bearing on it if we make it a fault divorce? ( Not sure if I am going to do that. We may go no- fault. I have not decided what is more in my interest yet.

The other question is that she has been the main provider of health insurance throughout the marriage. Do I have a right to those benefits after the divorce?

Answer:

If you are in a “fault” State such as Missouri you can ask for a higher percentage of marital assets due to her misconduct. Please note that every affair is considered misconduct.

The affair must lead directly to the breakdown of the marriage to be considered misconduct. If misconduct is proved it could also have a positive affect on maintenance also known as alimony and the allocation of attorneys fees. Some jurisdictions such as Georgia, for example, an affair can place a total prohibition on a claim for alimony she may have.

If you are in a “no fault” State the misconduct of your wife may have no bearing on the litigation.

Submit a question to sdladvice@singledadlife.com

Answers courtesy of DadsDivorce.com

Summer Vacations Are for Parents,Too

admin — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 11:46:45 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Remembering Chevy Chase in those summer vacation movies reminds me of the fact that most so-called “family vacations” are, at best, vacations for the kids and torture for the parents. I’m generalizing, of course, but most generalizations as well as clichés, have a strong basis in truth. I stand by the proposition that we parents usually need a vacation after our family one, if only to recover and rest.

This summer my younger son, David, got to spend several weeks at the sleep- away camp he loves, while my older son, Will, is indulging his passion for rock ‘n’ roll at a Rock School where he’s taking drum lessons, and participating in numerous bands and concerts through the school. He’ll also be living, figuratively, in our garage with his own band, driving the nearby horses crazy, or am I mistaking their thrashing about as dancing?

My wife, Loren, is going to Vancouver to be with her parents while her mother undergoes some serious surgery. She intends to stay until her mother is well and to support her father during this precarious time. I’m holding down the fort at home, while still writing, and working to give my new website (www.brucesallan.com) the attention I naively believe it deserves.

My assertion is that parents need vacations, too, and not just a date night or weekend away. We need to recharge, regenerate, and have the peace-of-mind of not worrying about our kids’ daily needs or squabbles, while also not worrying about feeding them or making sure that they do some of their chores. Notice that I wrote “some” as in the expectation that “all” is impossible. If we, as parents, don’t get to release some of our stress, it just accumulates and that does no one in the family any good.

How often do we actually take vacations without the kids? How much do guilt, finances, available time, and other factors dictate our vacations as only being of the family variety?

My marriage is still new, since we married at the end of last year. So, we are determining the structure of our lives now. Many incidents, which we call “life,” have already intruded on various plans, not the least of which is my wife’s own sinus surgery and painful and lengthy recovery that followed, which totally altered some of our plans this past winter and almost derailed our honeymoon. We are wise enough not to pout too much when these things happen (well, at least my wife doesn’t pout), but can’t help but sometimes feel a bit sorry for ourselves when they do.

My wife and I believe strongly that we need our separate time (from our sons). The boys have the pleasure or pain, depending on how they feel at any given moment, of having their dad at home all the time. I work out of the house, and take the lead role in their transportation needs, so they see more of me than they may want to at any given time.

Consequently, my wife and I aren’t feeling too guilty about planning a trip for just us two next March. We are reuniting with friends that we made on our honeymoon earlier this year, and have something special to look forward to while we go about our regular daily business of work and family. My wife continues to put in full days at work and comes home to often cook us wonderful meals. We help with the clean up, but she’s still the major cleaner in the house. I take care of most of the shopping and daily “kid runs.”

In summer, the parenting duties are less, but with a teen in the house, my job is to be vigilant about his whereabouts, his friends, what he’s watching on all his screens, and generally try to keep him alive. My influence, otherwise, is negligible. On the other side of the equation is my “tween,” who requires more attention and actually wants to do things with me. Both boys sleep late during the summer, so my best quiet and work time is the mornings. After that, it’s a jumble of running around and juggling their needs and whereabouts.

My wife and I both deserve a break, at some point, and our boys will survive just fine. In fact, they may both enjoy themselves, if we have the same sitter as we had last time, and not notice our absence much at all. We, on the other hand, will appreciate the romance of our forthcoming trip, without the regular interruption from the boys, and have a little time to invigorate ourselves, our intimacy, and come home all the more rested and prepared to deal with the next crisis.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

Can a Relationship Survive This Much Stress?

admin — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:20:51 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

How much stress can a new relationship survive? I am fond of quoting the cliché that most of us would rather keep our own problems vs. trade with someone else. Yet, lately, I wonder. Okay, I’ll keep our troubles, but it does raise the notion of enough is enough.

I just had a ski accident in which I fell so hard that I was knocked unconscious. There were apparently no witnesses and I still don’t remember exactly what happened since the only thing I recall is waking up on the emergency toboggan, zooming down the mountain, being loaded into the ambulance, and taken to the Emergency Room. After a bit of prodding, I knew my name and began to feel the hurt in my shoulder. Later, all my memory returned except for the accident itself, which remains a mystery.

I should be grateful that I wore a helmet, since the concussion was mild, though the injury to my shoulder wasn’t. Two broken bones, a lot of bruises elsewhere, and a rousing headache were mine after they “relocated” the shoulder (which I also forgot, fortunately).

Loren, in her fear and panic, and not being there, proceeded to criticize me for being too old to do this stuff anymore (she’s right). It seemed the culmination, for us, of just one too many stressful incidents. We’ve been married less than six months, and dating less than three years, and the number of stressful incidents in our lives seems to occur too frequently.

The short list includes two surgeries for her last year, this accident, and another hospitalization for me just months before we got married, along with the economic collapse of her business (real estate), the diminution of our respective savings and retirement accounts, my emerging teenager’s full-blown attitude, a forced move when our landlord gave us notice, and the subsequent scramble to find a place that would accept three dogs, packing and moving when we did find an acceptable place, and finally one of our dogs nearly killing our neighbor’s dog and requiring isolation and a potential indefinite prison term (the dog, not us). And, that was just the first month of our marriage (just kidding).

Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine but we haven’t felt like laughing much lately. We know better than to feel sorry for ourselves, but the onslaught of all these events have worn us down. I didn’t even mention the health scare that Loren’s father had and, more recently, the brain tumor discovered in her mom, which will require surgery (but is likely benign). How much are we supposed to handle? I tend to believe God gives us just the right amount so we should be flattered that he thinks so highly of us. But, I’d rather be further down on his list and have a few months go by without incident.
The lessons the boys got from our economy collapsing are probably good –learning to save, learning to delay gratification, maybe reading a book instead of going to a movie, etc. For us, I suppose the lessons relate to appreciating our health when we have it, our parents when they’re alive and well, and each other — regardless of the ups and downs.

I know my parents endured multitudes of troubles far greater in comparison to ours, yet they rarely played the feeling-sorry-for-themselves card. So, I suppose my recent accident can be a reminder to me of my good fortune in surviving with just my arm in a sling vs. a Christopher Reeve, Sonny Bono, or Natasha Richardson-type accident.

Our economic adjustments pale in comparison to those losing their homes, now, in foreclosures, losing their jobs, or the mass unemployment and dislocation of so many during The Great Depression. I picture those great black and white photos of the migrant workers and that one of a woman looking so forlorn and lost, holding a hand to her face, and think how bad is it for me and us?

But, we do bicker, we do find fault. We’re not seeing the good in allowing our formerly comfortable lives to make our behavior, at times, spoiled and unappreciative of the blessings we share. So, I’ll go on record with some of the things I do appreciate about my life, that have nothing to do with the Dow Jones average or my next car or vacation.

Let’s start at the top; my wife’s pies. Really, what else in life can compare? Or her amazing salads, short ribs, roasted chicken, Chinese cooking, and more. How about my dogs’ unconditional love? The look on their faces when I get home is complete adoration. Holding my wife on a cold evening, with a fire going in our bedroom fireplace, and feeling her silky smooth skin is a treat beyond compare. And, when I come home from mentoring my fatally ill friend, with his genetic disease which will cut his life short around 30, I look at my two boys with heavenly gratitude for their good health, mental acuity, and great looks (from me, of course), even if I want to strangle my teen more often than not.

Our relationship will survive this round of stress. We’ll learn; we’ll grow; we’ll fight; we’ll make up. Life’s good, even with my arm in a sling.

Bruce Sallan Half-Pipe Action