A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems.

Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

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Is someday going to be your best day? I came across those words while reading a book by John Maxwell “Put Your Dream to the Test“

The book was actually given to me as a gift by my friend Mark.  He invited me to lunch to catch up, and he had an extra copy of the book and he felt I would appreciate it. No strings attached. He  just knew it would strike a chord with me.  Giving without expecting anything in return. The ultimate and most meaningful gift.

He was right. John Maxwell is one of my favorite authors.  I could not put the book down. But this one paragraph made me pause and think. I’m sure you have had those moments.

Here is what he wrote. ” To really live the journey is what matters. If you become fixated on a destination, even a dream destination, you can miss all the great things that happen along the way. And, you miss the joy of today. If you’re convinced that someday is going to be your best day, you won’t put enough into today, or get enough out of it”.

How many of you, myself included, have thought , ” when I have more money”, or “when I get that dream car”, or for some, “when I find that someone special”, ” when I, when I when I”.

Meanwhile, life passes by and we live in the someday  I will be happy. Funny thing is once you finally acquire what you have dreamed about, there always seems to be another distant, “someday when I have that”.

Earl Nightingale in his award-winning and renown program “Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret“, spoke of living with an Attitude of Gratitude. If you remind yourself daily to appreciate what you have and be thankful, he said,  life can be abundant.

All the great authors and teachers seem to share this same philosophy.  There has got to be something to it.

One life.  That is all you get. I am not saying it is easy. I will not stand in front of you and say I don’t have those moments or down days.

But I think if you can try and live with an attitude of gratitude and not wait for someday, today has a chance to be your best day.

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Perspective is something that allows us to appreciate our lives, our families, and our country. Lately, with so much bad news surrounding us, and after just returning from Africa where such extreme poverty exists everywhere, I find myself reflecting on one of those “People” magazine-type stories about someone living through a life threatening experience and coming out a changed person. It’s a story I’ve shared with my boys, when they were upset about a trivial matter, as it happened to me in June 2005.

Driving alone on 395, I fell asleep at the wheel. In the middle of nowhere with only my dog as company, and the cruise control set in the low 70s, I drifted off to sleep as the sun was just beginning to peak over the horizon, in spite of a Monster drink (Red Bull equivalent) and in spite of stopping several times to stretch and do some jumping jacks. Lost in thought, I just slipped away to “Neverland.” Well, “Neverland” almost became just that; never more.

Startled awake as the car drove screamingly over the shoulder, I quickly realized what had happened. Grabbing the wheel and holding on for dear life, trying desperately to control the swerving bucking SUV, I didn’t even remember if I hit the brakes. Mind going at light-speed, the car crashed through a barbed wire barrier and headed down into a river wash. Over boulders the size of large beach balls, the car literally flew nose-first into the wash. The momentum carried the car into a front side flip, spiraling over once or twice (no one knows for sure as no one witnessed it), landing right side up, facing the opposite direction.

Steaming, all air bags released, the smell of burning rubber in the air, I took what felt like my first breath. First thought: I’m alive and apparently not bleeding, though I felt a growing swelling around my right eye. Second thought: is my dog okay. Third thought: somebody up there likes me. The driver’s door was stuck but I was able to pry it open. I called out my dog’s name, but he seemed nowhere to be found. Gradually fearing I had killed my beloved dog, I began circling the wreck, calling his name. Each larger circle revealed more car wreckage and parts strewn in the stream, as well as CDs flung far away and other stuff thrown from the car. After a couple of minutes, though it felt like an eternity, my dog came bounding over the edge of the river wash, from the direction we had careened from.

On first inspection, he seemed miraculously okay. But, I soon noticed a limp from his right front paw. Nonetheless, the reality that my dog and I were okay was just beginning to hit me. Now what. I reached to my side to find my cell-phone. Not there. Looked on my wrist for his watch. Not there. Heading back to the car, I searched and found my cell-phone on the floor of the passenger compartment. It was on and it had reception, though this area was notorious for intermittent cell signals. Called 911.

I couldn’t describe to the dispatcher where I was, other than in a river wash adjacent to an overpass. I remembered, vaguely, the last city I passed. She asked if I needed an ambulance and I said “maybe.” She said a CHP officer would be there shortly. I put my dog on his leash and went up the incline of the wash and tied him up by the overpass. On the way, I saw fresh poop, evidently from my dog that had been flung from the car somewhere on the ride. Back to the car, and a bit calmer now, I looked it over. The front right wheel was flat on the ground, like a hovercraft. The sunroof was buckled. All the air bags were opened, but now deflated. Car parts were everywhere as was broken glass, yet no cuts on me. Amazing. The car was obviously toast so I began getting together what was worth salvaging. Couldn’t find my watch, which had been strapped on my wrist.

20 minutes later the CHP officer arrived. He quickly assessed the situation and determined where the car had veered off the highway, some 300 yards up the road. He tracked its direction, through 3 layers of the barbed wire fence, over the boulders and up into the wash, flipping somewhere near the bottom. He said it was a miracle anyone survived, let alone with nothing more than an apparent black eye. He also said that usually anyone (or any animal) thrown from a vehicle ends up dead; another miracle that my dog was fine. He also noted that this stretch of highway was divided and that the majority of the highway is two-lanes in both directions. So? He explained that if I’d veered off to the left, just as I had on this divided portion of the highway, but done so on the two-lane portion of the highway, I would’ve potentially gone head on into another car going the other direction. 70 mph times two; hmmm, you do the math, you figure the consequences.

And, finally, he commented that given where the car had landed, basically under an overpass, it was unlikely anyone would’ve noticed the wreck. Had I been unable to extricate myself from the smoldering car, it was anyone’s guess how long I would have been trapped. A couple of hours later, my dog and I were heading back home, in a rental car.

About 8 hours after leaving my house, in the dark early hours of the morning, I returned home. A shower revealed my only other injury, besides a mildly sore neck and shoulders, was an extremely minor scratch on my calf. Oh, the CHP officer found my watch in the car, still strapped but working fine. Another curiosity. What purpose was there for me to continue living? Why was I sparred when so many die in much calmer accidents? Would I actually make good on this blessing of another chance. Would I ever again get upset over the little stuff, such as traffic, a hang-nail, waiting in line, being put on hold, a meal not coming out just right, a crowded or late flight, a cold, a trip to the dentist, etc. Life is a miracle and I had just lived one. As we drive this particular stretch of highway often, to go to our local ski resort, I am regularly reminded of my incredible good fortune and my gratitude still holds true and strong to this day.

UPDATE – I just returned from a trip to Mammoth where, for the first time since the accident, I actually left in the dark of early morning. I caffeinated up and had nary a sleepy moment. However, also for the first time since this accident, I looked for and stopped at the site of the accident. It was about 7 a.m. and the roads were quiet and the air was still. I walked the last bit of path that my car had gone, stepped over the bent wire fence post that held the barbed wire, un-repaired in the subsequent nearly 4 years, and walked over the large boulders my car had hurdled and flipped over. Into the riverbed I went, looking for any remnants of the accident as so many pieces of my car and interior were strewn about at the time. I didn’t want to stay long, but found nothing. No surprise as it was a riverbed. What was surprising to me is that, on seeing again the site of the accident, the absolute miracle that I walked away so completely unscathed. I have to look above and give thanks, yet again.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

How much stress can a new relationship survive? I am fond of quoting the cliché that most of us would rather keep our own problems vs. trade with someone else. Yet, lately, I wonder. Okay, I’ll keep our troubles, but it does raise the notion of enough is enough.

I just had a ski accident in which I fell so hard that I was knocked unconscious. There were apparently no witnesses and I still don’t remember exactly what happened since the only thing I recall is waking up on the emergency toboggan, zooming down the mountain, being loaded into the ambulance, and taken to the Emergency Room. After a bit of prodding, I knew my name and began to feel the hurt in my shoulder. Later, all my memory returned except for the accident itself, which remains a mystery.

I should be grateful that I wore a helmet, since the concussion was mild, though the injury to my shoulder wasn’t. Two broken bones, a lot of bruises elsewhere, and a rousing headache were mine after they “relocated” the shoulder (which I also forgot, fortunately).

Loren, in her fear and panic, and not being there, proceeded to criticize me for being too old to do this stuff anymore (she’s right). It seemed the culmination, for us, of just one too many stressful incidents. We’ve been married less than six months, and dating less than three years, and the number of stressful incidents in our lives seems to occur too frequently.

The short list includes two surgeries for her last year, this accident, and another hospitalization for me just months before we got married, along with the economic collapse of her business (real estate), the diminution of our respective savings and retirement accounts, my emerging teenager’s full-blown attitude, a forced move when our landlord gave us notice, and the subsequent scramble to find a place that would accept three dogs, packing and moving when we did find an acceptable place, and finally one of our dogs nearly killing our neighbor’s dog and requiring isolation and a potential indefinite prison term (the dog, not us). And, that was just the first month of our marriage (just kidding).

Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine but we haven’t felt like laughing much lately. We know better than to feel sorry for ourselves, but the onslaught of all these events have worn us down. I didn’t even mention the health scare that Loren’s father had and, more recently, the brain tumor discovered in her mom, which will require surgery (but is likely benign). How much are we supposed to handle? I tend to believe God gives us just the right amount so we should be flattered that he thinks so highly of us. But, I’d rather be further down on his list and have a few months go by without incident.
The lessons the boys got from our economy collapsing are probably good –learning to save, learning to delay gratification, maybe reading a book instead of going to a movie, etc. For us, I suppose the lessons relate to appreciating our health when we have it, our parents when they’re alive and well, and each other — regardless of the ups and downs.

I know my parents endured multitudes of troubles far greater in comparison to ours, yet they rarely played the feeling-sorry-for-themselves card. So, I suppose my recent accident can be a reminder to me of my good fortune in surviving with just my arm in a sling vs. a Christopher Reeve, Sonny Bono, or Natasha Richardson-type accident.

Our economic adjustments pale in comparison to those losing their homes, now, in foreclosures, losing their jobs, or the mass unemployment and dislocation of so many during The Great Depression. I picture those great black and white photos of the migrant workers and that one of a woman looking so forlorn and lost, holding a hand to her face, and think how bad is it for me and us?

But, we do bicker, we do find fault. We’re not seeing the good in allowing our formerly comfortable lives to make our behavior, at times, spoiled and unappreciative of the blessings we share. So, I’ll go on record with some of the things I do appreciate about my life, that have nothing to do with the Dow Jones average or my next car or vacation.

Let’s start at the top; my wife’s pies. Really, what else in life can compare? Or her amazing salads, short ribs, roasted chicken, Chinese cooking, and more. How about my dogs’ unconditional love? The look on their faces when I get home is complete adoration. Holding my wife on a cold evening, with a fire going in our bedroom fireplace, and feeling her silky smooth skin is a treat beyond compare. And, when I come home from mentoring my fatally ill friend, with his genetic disease which will cut his life short around 30, I look at my two boys with heavenly gratitude for their good health, mental acuity, and great looks (from me, of course), even if I want to strangle my teen more often than not.

Our relationship will survive this round of stress. We’ll learn; we’ll grow; we’ll fight; we’ll make up. Life’s good, even with my arm in a sling.

Bruce Sallan Half-Pipe Action

 
 
Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including a unique Ask Bruce For Advice section, an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12.

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