A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

E-mail is so ubiquitous that we forget that it isn’t talking on the phone or having a conversation in person. Subtlety, facial expressions, or tonality are all lost in an e-mail message. I have found this has gotten me in trouble when I think I’m being funny, subtle, or sarcastic in an e-mail. And, the habit many of us have of forwarding a joke, photo, or an article creates even greater problems in many cases.

I think e-mail should probably be treated as Eliza Doolittle was advised in “My Fair Lady” about making conversation. “Stick to the weather and health” was Professor Higgins’s caution. Even that proved problematic as Eliza went into too much embarrassing detail about her own family’s health, before she completely blew it with her expletive encouraging one of the racehorses to “move your bloomin’ ass!”

I read recently that e-mail, like so many new technological innovations, may be receding in popularity among the younger generation in favor of instant messaging (on cell-phones and computers) or “tweeting” via Twitter, which is limited to something like 140 characters of text. Acronyms are the norm and the list of these short cuts, like “ttyl” (talk to you later) or “btw” (by the way), just keep growing and growing.

Correspondence, like in the days of pen and ink, has gone the way of the horse and buggy. But, e-mail is its own special creature and I’ve found it rampant with potential misunderstandings and strains on relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stung by an e-mail reply to something I’ve sent out that I felt that person might really enjoy–or maybe, God forbid, learn something from. “My bad” to quote my son as I’m learning that almost no one but those closest to you want such e-mail.

For me, it’s learning whole new behavior, rules, and etiquette. And, there are actually some new rulebooks, though for me it’s been mostly learning by trial and error. An early book on this subject is “Send: The Essential Guide to Email for Office and Home” by David Shipley and Will Schwalbe. Amazon.com’s review said: “Funny, engaging, and oh-so-practical, “Send” is the ultimate etiquette handbook for email, making David Shipley and Will Schwalbe the “Miss Manners” resource for the digital age. Full of practical insights, “Send” is an invaluable resource for anyone who uses e-mail, and is guaranteed to help you “think before you click.” I’m just not sure I want to consult it for every decision regarding e-mail.

My wife is very typical for a woman as she prefers to talk vs. correspond via e-mail with me, her husband. When we’re apart, I think it’s easier to just put a sentence or two in an e-mail, especially if it’s just a simple question. This is a case where I must take into consideration her feelings and pick up the phone and call.

My boys, on the other hand, totally ignore my e-mail but respond instantly to a text message. My younger son is truly glued to his cell-phone as he’s messaging his friends constantly. It’s amazing. I never see him on the phone unless it’s a fellow classmate calling about a homework issue or problem. He also doesn’t make as many play dates as when he was in elementary school, though he clearly has many friends. Is this emblematic of the times?

As for me, my biggest disappointment has been the reactions some friends to e-mail that I’ve sent with an article that I felt was important. I don’t send anything of a political nature anymore to those friends who think the “other way,” but even many of my like-minded friends have asked me to stop sending them any e-mail of a non-personal nature. If it’s to check on how they’re doing, make plans to get together, wish someone a happy birthday, or the like, it is fine. Just don’t send them that healthcare column by a noted writer or something dealing with the Middle East.

I am a passionate man in everything I do, so when my friends react this way, it hurts and disappoints. As I’ve often declared, most everyone knows where the delete button is and, if there’s respect for the person sending such an e-mail, how difficult is it to peruse a few sentences to see if it’s of interest. Then, if it doesn’t grab you, just hit “delete.” I have fought this for too long and am throwing in the towel. Now, I just send out those sorts of e-mail to the much-reduced list of friends and family that welcome them and often send me the same in return.

Our children are growing up with this and other technology and it will all be a part of their lives hereafter. They don’t have memories of 8-track tapes, reel-to-reel recording tape, LPs, or transistor radios. To them, early cell-phones were big and clunky. So, I will bet they will develop an instinctual knowledge of e-mail and other new-tech etiquette. As it evolves, they’ll evolve with it. But, for my generation, and me it’s a struggle in the same way my parents could never learn to program their video tape recorder or store a phone number in a cell-phone.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Picture courtesy of  Fletcher Prince

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

I am more and more troubled by how male and female roles in our society have evolved. Clearly, I may just not fully understand and accept these changes, but I want to understand for the sake of my boys. I’m trying to teach them to be men, how to treat women, and to prepare my sons for the current social environment and workplace that we live in. And, frankly, I need to learn and adjust for myself, as this column will show.

I was raised in the fifties and sixties, where men and women had casual conversational fun with each other, both in the work place and out of it. It was fun and not harassment, to be clear, and included healthy banter and even occasional flirting. But, today this is forbidden and larger companies have seminars on proper work behavior that, I believe, limits camaraderie and rapport between colleagues. As communication often is via e-mail, the chances of misunderstandings are only enhanced.

Recently, I sent an e-mail to a female editor of a website that carries my column, asking about a change I’d noticed in how my column was presented. It happens to be a mom’s website and I’m the only male blogger. I asked the question about the change and then said, “I am your only man, after all.” To me, it is true and was completely innocuous.

The reply I got from the editor was a stern missive affirming her status at the website and asking that I stop this unprofessional behavior and flirting. It reminded me of when Barbara Boxer reprimanded a general in the army, in Congress, for calling her “Ma’am,” instead of “Senator.” Can you imagine a male senator doing the same when called “Sir?”

I was stunned at the editor’s criticism and immediately sent her an apology for any misunderstanding and said that my intention was solely humorous, and in no way flirtatious. It was, yet again, a reminder to me of the dangers of e-mail.

She replied, “Apology accepted.” Now, the fact that she had changed our agreement about how my column was to be presented was minimally addressed as I did not receive any acknowledgment or apology for her breaking our ground rules. Instead, an off-hand remark I made left a bad taste for both of us and I still didn’t get satisfactory resolution to my original question. I thought proper business etiquette required communication before a change is made to an existing agreement.

To this editor’s credit, she said she showed my e-mail to several male colleagues who all agreed it was in poor taste. While I didn’t ask, I wondered how old they were as there’s no doubt that younger men are growing up in a work and social environment whose rules are quite different from when I grew up. I think we had much more fun and, given that the most of my career was in showbiz, there was certainly plenty of healthy, and innocent flirting that regularly went on and, many times, it resulted in good business dealings.

To be clear, I am not talking about any casting couch sort of behavior as I never experienced it in the form of an actress offering me “special privileges” nor did I ever engage in asking for it. I was raised to treat women with respect well before sexual harassment handbooks and seminars became important business tools for employers.

I actually experienced some sexual harassment early in my career. A top female studio executive invited me to her home to “discuss business.” I was fighting her off the entire evening. My male bosses at the time thought it was hilarious and that I should have given in for the benefit of the company. Needless to say, I wasn’t amused so I obviously understand the difference between innocent flirtation and harassment. We often define sexual harassment as a man harassing a woman, but the reverse can be harassing as well.

I am trying to raise Will and David to be men who respect and treat women well. I expect them to be sensitive without being wimps, and hopefully still possess a twinkle in their eyes, and enjoy engaging the opposite sex. Flirting can be a kick but, of course, it has to be in the right situations.

I am stuck in my ways and obviously somewhat dense and/or stubborn–as this incident with the editor illustrated. Hereafter, I’m going to be extra careful with all of my future interaction with women. Frankly, it’s the clichéd point of being better safe than sorry, though I know that some of the interplay I’ve always enjoyed will be diminished.

Will and David have been taught other behaviors that I believe in, although these behaviors may be somewhat old fashioned. They know to open and close car doors for their girl friends or any woman or older adult. My teen knows we expect him to pay for any date that he may go on, though presently he’s doing the contemporary group date thing, so he’s off the hook. When we went to the recent Outside Lands music festival, he knew even though I did remind him, to look after his two female friends and, because of his height and gender, to take care of them in the crush of the crowds. They appreciated it and I was proud of his actions.

A friend of mine suggested that my generation might actually have the opportunity to learn from our kids about these kinds of behaviors. Growing up in a politically correct culture all their lives, they’ve been socialized and taught certain behavior and, like their comfort with technology, it may be second nature to them. Is it better? I don’t know.

Still, I think it’s a very confusing time for young boys and men. Some of the so-called progress that has allowed women to enter otherwise limited areas for them professionally, are clearly welcome. But, I question all these rules for gender interaction. Doesn’t it, to some degree, only infantilize women vs. teaching our young women to know proper boundaries and stand up for themselves? I’d rather any daughter that I had should know when to slap a guy, kick him where it counts, and otherwise not run to a boss or the government. And, conversely, she should know when it is time to seek intervention by a superior.

What do you think?

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

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