The Role You Play In Your Own Divorce

Be An Active Client

When a person first arrives at an attorney’s office, the first thing on my most people’s minds is that they need to find a lawyer, then all of their problems will be solved. The last thing most people think about is that the role that they must play in their own divorce. Your lawyer can only be as effective as you make them.

This is a startling statement to many. So take a moment to consider it this way: Who knows your life better than you and your spouse? Who has the most access to information regarding your children and assets? Who has the most to gain and/or lose in this case? In other words, while any good attorney will be vested in a good result in your case, that attorney does not have to live your life the divorce is finalized. Read more

My Divorce Attorney Made Me Do it

“My brother just received his divorce papers today. I am so angry “, she screamed.  “Don’t tell me. I bet I can tell you what it said. She wants full custody, she is asking for tons of money, and he is the most evil human being on the planet ” , I responded.

“How did you know that?” she asked. “Standard stuff  once you  get attorneys involved“. I said.  “You better call my brother and talk to him. He is livid and I have never seen him so upset.”

Sound familiar?   I realize that attorney’s are hired to protect us and make sure one side is not being taken to the cleaners by the other.  But, time after time, once you head to an attorney and your titles change from husband and wife to plaintiff and defendant, the temperature rises to make both sides burn.

I have seen simple situations, where 50/50 custody is not only a no brain-er, but  both sides agree. Enter the attorney and  the husband is told seeing his children every other weekend is what apparently is best. A husband before becoming the plaintiff, is a successful businessman. All of a sudden, he is broke and his business makes zero profit and cannot pay any child support.

I have discussed this with several other couples who have gone or who are going though a divorce. I also have my own experience to draw upon. Often I am told their attorneys actually told them, you may not agree with everything that is in the divorce papers.

The problem with the system is it is treated like buying a car. Insult the dealer with your offer, negotiate, then make a deal.  What  both sides need to understand is it not in the best interest of the attorney’s to have a nice  simple divorce case. After all, the more motions filed, the more billable minutes, ka-ching, ka-ching.

No wonder so many ex’s hate each other. Fighting and anger often erupt due to the terms being asked for in the divorce papers. Take two people, already emotionally charged, and then fire an all out assault to show the other side who is boss. The only possible result is not only a retaliation of similar proportions, but an all out war.

I am  not saying that divorce attorney’s are all to blame. After all, they are hired to protect their client to the best of their ability and that is what they do. I am not naive. During my divorce, I hired the best attorney I could find.  The general thought is to  pay now or pay more later.  (If you are wondering, I am on very good terms with my ex ) But once I looked back, so much money was wasted on silly motions, or stuff that really didn’t matter in the long run.  Don’t sweat the small stuff is the point I hope to get across.

Without a doubt, the most difficult thing to do when you can’t stand the sight of your soon to be ex, is to take a deep breath and not allow your attorney to feed off your anger and go for the jugular. It is equally difficult to try and not win at all costs. Both sides need to feel good about the arrangements. Emotionally, deep down this can be so tough.  If you keep pounding the other side, the only thing that you can be guaranteed is  ka-ching, ka-ching.

So here is a novel idea.  Go to a mediator and design visitation schedules and other arrangements for your children. If you feel your ex is a good parent, agree to 50/50 right up front and tell your attorney you will not sign anything asking for more.  Design a fair support order based on these terms and try not to have your ex live on the streets and lose everything they own.

This just might create a better life for both parties and most importantly your children. Besides, you will  feel a whole lot better paying for your children’s college tuition  instead of your attorney’s!

Side note: If your ex refuses to act civilized, never visits your children, and gives the keys to their attorney to drive you into the ground,  ignore the above article!