Single Dad Life » custody

How Do I Fight My Ex Wife’s Use Of Parental Alienation?

admin — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:32:03 +0000

Ask The Lawyer

Question submitted:

My ex is using a form of parental alienation on our daughter. My daughter and mom refuse to pick up their phones to communicate with me. I text, email, and call to no avail.

It has been almost six weeks since I have spoken to, or seen, my daughter. I have joint custody and a visitation schedule of a couple days a week. My daughter is almost 16. What is the best way to handle this? My goal is to preserve my connection to my daughter.

Answer:

I suggest dividing the issues into your ex-wife’s conduct and the possibility of your daughter’s attitude being a factor of her age.

Your ex-wife can be held accountable through the court for compliance with any terms in your joint parenting agreement or other court orders that address telephone or electronic contact. If your court documents did not address telephone or electronic contact, you may need to seek court modification to include such provisions.

You advise that you have regular visitation rights but have not seen your daughter in six weeks. If your visitation is being impaired by your wife’s conduct or failure to act, enforcement proceedings may be warranted.

Generally, the parents must comply with the visitation schedule regardless of the desires of the child and a claim of visitation interference may be warranted. Consulting with a domestic relations law firm, such as Cordell & Cordell, would be the first step to determine what rights are encompassed by your court documents and what additional rights you might reasonably pursue in a court proceeding.

Your daughter’s age and status as a child of divorce may also be at issue and counseling with your daughter may be appropriate.

Under your divorce, you may be required to first discuss father-daughter counseling with your ex-wife as part of any agreement to mutually discuss with your ex decisions regarding your daughter’s health care. Failure to reach an agreement on the issue with your ex-wife may require court proceedings to require your ex-wife’s cooperation in making your daughter available to attend counseling.

Richard Coffee is a Litigation Manager in the Belleville Illinois office of Cordell & Cordell. He is an experienced divorce attorney whose practice is devoted to domestic litigation. He is licensed in the State of Illinois and is admitted to practice law in the U.S. District Courts for Northern, Central and Southern Illinois. Courtesy of Dadsdivorce.com

Submit questions to sdladvice@singledadlife.com

Putting Your Children’s Best Interests First

admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:45:46 +0000

The Best Interests of Your Children

By Deborah Moskovitch

While conducting some research for an upcoming book within The Smart Divorce® series I had an interesting conversation with a child protection lawyer about the best interests of the children.

From this lawyer’s perspective and what I see in my consulting practice and watching what goes on around me, we agreed that people often talk about it, don’t necessarily do it – that is put their children’s best interests first. What does this really mean? Is it fitting your schedule into your children’s or the other way around?

Defining Children’s Best Interest

There are many definitions as to what best interest means. The Geneva Convention defines it as acknowledging that every child has certain basic rights, including the right to life, his or her own name and identity, to be raised by his or her parents within a family or cultural grouping and have a relationship with both parents, even if that means they live in two different households.

It sounds straightforward, but it isn’t necessarily that easy because divorce is complicated by emotions. And – these emotions if not managed, can impair your parenting skills – causing you to think you are putting your children’s best interest first, but many parents are not! This can happen when parents are overwhelmed with their own emotions causing their parenting skills to be weakened.

Simply put, the best interests of the children means doing what is best for your children. How do you achieve this when you might be feeling raw and bitter? You need to:

deal with your emotions (use your support network for help such as a therapist, clergy, support groups, friends and family)

Put your emotions on the shelf so that you can be the best parent for you children.

Let your children participate in activities and do what they would normally have done if you were married.

Children should not be punished because an activity falls on one parent or the others time

While a parent might be supportive of an extra curricular activity, they just don’t let the children participate because it falls on their time – thinking that it is punishing the other parent, when actually it is the children who suffer.

You need to recognize, that children are not possessions. They are not “my children, not your children”- they still have 2 parents, you need to reframe your thinking into these children being our children.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

Daughter’s interest in living with her mother & How to modify custody and support

admin — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:36:13 +0000

Question:

My daughter (15) has repeatedly expressed an interest in living with her mother 100 miles away. Her mother is open to it. I received custody because her mother was going through some pretty serious depression. Since our divorce my ex has really improved. I would miss my daughter, but I respect her need to have her mom. My gut tells me to sit down with my daughter and tell her how I feel about it and let her go with an open-door policy on my end.

My question is whether or not I am setting myself up for child support which I really can’t afford to pay, problems with the court, and the danger that I might be seen as abandoning my child. Everything seems fine with mom now, but she has a history of not thinking clearly. I’d hate to have my daughter miss the opportunity of getting to know her mom but want to be careful. Any advice as to how to proceed?

Answer:

Proceed cautiously.
If your daughter moves in with her mother, you will be obligated to provide financial support to your ex-wife. This may not happen immediately, but it will happen. Child support is your daughter’s right and most states will not allow parents to unilaterally waive support without cause. Even if you and your ex-wife were to agree that support would not be exchanged in consideration of the custody change, your ex-wife would be well within her legal rights to come back and petition the Court to modify that order at a later date.

If your ex-wife lives in a different state or county, you could be facing some procedural nightmares in the future. Depending on various factors, including the time your daughter lives with her mother and whether or not you choose to move, your case could be transferred to a different court. The new court will not have the “history” of your case and may have less favorable laws with respect to child support and parenting time.

I do not believe you will be perceived as “abandoning” your child, however, I wonder if you have considered all of the ways your own relationship with your daughter will change if she lives 100 miles away? Clearly you have been a stable and loving father to your daughter. A fifteen year old girl is not always the best judge of her own best interests, especially when she is desperate to receive the love and acceptance of her mother. I presume you have many rules in your home regarding things like clothing, music, food and curfews. I also presume that while your daughter may voice her opinion about these restrictions, you are ultimately the one who makes the decision. Custody is no different; you are her father and are in the best position to continue making decisions about your daughter’s well-being.

I will leave you with this thought: supporting a relationship between your daughter and her mother is not an “all or nothing” proposition. Before you consider such a monumental change in your daughter’s life (changing schools, removing her from her community, moving her from her peer group), consider the comparatively small but important step of increasing your ex-wife’s involvement in your daughter’s life. Invite her to extracurricular events and conferences. Keep her apprised of your daughter’s doctor’s and dentist’s appointments. Encourage her to be a part of decision-making when it comes to extra-curricular activities, birthday parties and house rules. Perhaps you can experiment with longer periods of parenting time between your daughter and her mother. The bottom line: move slowly.Question category: Legal Strategy

Question:

I have been divorced about a year. In my decree it states that anything we don’t agree upon will be settled with mediation. I have tried to get her into mediation without receiving a reply. I don’t want to go back to court, but I would like to modify the current situation as there has been a substantial change of circumstances. I moved within two blocks of the children, and I now live in their school district and I have had them over and above the set “visitation.” So I need to modify the custody (seeking 50/50) and also need to modify the child support (not applicable any longer) but how do I do that without getting back into the court? I am not fearful of the court, just don’t like the animosity and expense that comes with it.

Answer:

You should file a motion with the Court requesting a modification of your current schedule based upon a change of circumstances. You may also ask the Court for an order directing you and your ex-spouse to attend mediation prior to the hearing. You will need to ask the Court to set your motion for a hearing if mediation is not successful.

I should also note that even if you and your ex-spouse agree upon a parenting time change, you may not agree upon a change in child support. Although having a 50/50 or “shared” custody arrangement may entitle you to an adjustment of your support, shared custody may not entitle you to stop paying child support all together.

Although the two issues of parenting time and child support are intended to be handled separately by the Courts, the issues are often intertwined during negotiations between the parties. The parent seeking an increase in parenting time may be accused of doing so to reduce his/her share of child support and the party objecting to an increase in the other parent’s parenting time may be accused of doing so to avoid a reduction in his/her support. The underlying financial motivation of each party (either real or perceived) can sometimes complicate what should otherwise be a straightforward conversation about your children’s schedule. Be prepared.

Submit your questions to sdladvice@singledadlife.com

Jill Best is an attorney with Cordell & Cordell, PC, a family-law firm focusing on men. She writes for DadsDivorce.com

No Excuse Not To Be Involved

admin — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:30:16 +0000

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but 50 per cent of any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.
The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer.

But the mothers in the village can only cry for five minutes because they won’t have time to figure out how to be a single mom. It’s more like, “Abacadabra, I have to be a single mom now for the sake of my children and fill in as the father the best I can.”

The children will be crying because they’ll think it’s their fault their dad left. They can’t possibly understand how he could abandon them. It goes against everything that is natural and right. And they’re 100 per cent correct, of course.

Unfortunately it seems some men in the Village of Toronto (Huron word for “place of meeting”) don’t “meet” their children often enough or at all.

Why is that? Research is unequivocal that few fathers abandon their children voluntarily. Most fatherless children result from fathers being forcibly separated from their children by the court system.

I’m not going to open that can of worms here. Not yet. It’s too big a can.

But I will say this: The family court process of determining who should have the right to see the children and when can be a horrific one.

I can understand how some of you fathers feel you can justify not being part of your children’s lives, however misplaced the thinking is. You may feel:

The legal system has left you exhausted, broke and cynical so what’s the point?

You got screwed by the courts, getting too little access to matter, so what’s the point if you show up at all?

Since your ex met another guy and he seems to have assumed the father role, what’s the point? (This cannot happen unless you want it to. Your children will never replace you, even if you see them but one moment a week, because you’re their father. Blood is blood. There’s only one condition. You need to be a good, loving father to gain your child’s loyalty.

There is no excuse for not playing a big part in your children’s lives, and deep down inside your naturally good heart you know that.

Your children need you so they can be the best well-rounded, happy people they have the right to be.

And how else are they going to know how to choose a loving partner or create a healthy relationship if they’re missing 50 per cent of their role models?

Regardless of what you’ve gone through, you have to climb up high on the mast, stick your face into the teeth of the hurricane and scream, “You call this a storm?”

Your children deserve your courage.

There’s an old Hebrew saying: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”

If you’ve been away from your children for too long, there’s still time to save them (and yourself), and consequently, make our world a better place. There’s no excuse for anything less.

Feel free to contact Peter via his website - www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

Rights as a father with joint custody…

admin — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:39:36 +0000

Question:

I am writing to inquire about my rights as a Father with joint custody of my 8 yr old son. My divorce was finalized in 2003 and since then my ex-wife has given up large portions of her custody with our son. I have gone from having only 2nd and 4th weekends and Thursdays, to now having him wed night, all Thursday, and Friday mornings + 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. As you can see has my son with me the majority of the time. My ex-wife has moved homes 3 different times since the divorce, and my son is now in a new school that has proved to be quite horrible. I have stayed in the same home my son was born in, there is a wonderful school where his friends and step siblings go to just down the street from our home and my ex wife refuses to let him go to this school because she claims its “too far for her to drive”, mind you my only concerns are for my sons safety and education. Everyone that I speak to says that with the amount of visitation I have that I should already be his primary custodian and be able to make those decisions, secondly I was also told that by giving up as much of her visitation as she has that there should be a reduction or dismissal of child support I am paying. I am not as much concerned about the child support issue but the question does stick in my mind often, mainly I don’t like the idea that I have no say in my son’s life as his mother throws him around from house to house and now has him in a substandard school only because its “close to her”

Jeff in Texas

Answer:

I am not licensed in Texas. You should always consult an attorney in your state to obtain legal advice concerning the laws of your state. I routinely advise my clients that the court’s order should reflect the schedule that is being followed. It sounds like the court order in your case does not do so. Custody can be modified if there has been a substantial change in circumstance. The fact that your child spends so much time with you, mom is unstable and child is attending a subpar school may qualify as a substantial change. At the very least, the court should modify the order to reflect the time you have the child and adjust your support. It is important that you document the time your son spends with you. If you have not already done so, I recommend keeping a calendar of all time he is with your. Before filing any modification with the court, consult an attorney. It is important to speak with an attorney familiar with the Judge presiding over your case.

Submit a question to sdladvice@singledadlife.com

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