5 Divorce myths debunked

Are children of a divorced couple really doomed? We debunk myths about divorce.

By: Deborah Moskovitch

While shopping one day with a friend, we can across a top we both loved – one size fits all. Could we both wear thesame top and look fabulous? It sort of fit us both, but it didn’t look quite right on either of us.

For most things in life, one size doesn’t really fit all. Divorce is the same.

Divorce myth #1: Divorce is the end of a happy life. Divorce is certainly an end, but it can also be a beginning to a new and fulfilling life (http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness/a/1638). It is possible to build a better life post-divorce than the one you had before. Figure out what it is that you want out of life, and what you need to do to get there.

Divorce myth #2: Divorce is bad for everyone involved. For many, divorce is a difficult experience. But there are those who are relieved that the marriage is over, and who relish the opportunity to start over. It does require strength and confidence. But if you were in relationship that was destructive to you for a variety of reasons, then good for you: You can face life head on and take control of your future.

Divorce myth #3: Children of divorce are doomed to a life of trouble. Research indicates that children are resilient. It’s the ways that their parents handle their divorce that affects the way that their children deal with divorce. It is possible for children to develop happy and emotionally balanced lives. It’s the way their parents manage divorce (http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800 ) that determines how positive the outcome is.

Divorce myth #4: Communication becomes better once you leave your spouse. Many people think that things will improve between former spouses once the divorce is final, especially if they have children. If you had trouble communicating during the marriage, chances are high that you will continue to have trouble communicating. If you couldn’t change him when you were married, you are not going to change him now. Accept that the only thing you have control over changing is yourself. Linda Popielarczyk  (http://www.connectionschildandfamily.com/), a registered Social Worker in Toronto, sees many separating and divorcing clients in her private practice. She notes that those with children are sometimes surprised to realize that that divorce does not end the relationship. “It is never really over for divorcing parents..rather, their challenge is to redefine their relationship to create a stable parenting partnership, despite their difficulties as partners in marriage.”

Popielarczyk sometimes finds parents will continue to argue with each other and complain about the same issues following separation as during their marriage. In these cases, they can be surprised to realize that they remain connected through these disagreements; and that they are not likely to change their former partners in separation, when they were unable to do so in marriage.

Divorce myth #5: The grass is greener on the other side. Often times people think that the problems behind their own unhappiness are somehow because of the marriage, and divorce will make the discontent go away, and all of a sudden sex and life will miraculously get better. There is a lot of self-work that needs to be done in order to find your own self happiness; another person can’t do that for you.

Examine your experience of marriage, not just what wasn’t good, but was great and what worked. Take some responsibility for your contribution, good and bad. Use this learning to point you in the direction of where you want to go, what you want to pursue and what you need in future relationships. Be introspective, and ensure you don’t get trapped into falling into relationship patterns that didn’t work previously.

Popielarczyk finds that divorce often represents a significant loss for adults, even when children are not involved. The longer the marriage, the greater the likelihood that ‘the relationship’ forms a significant part of one’s identity.

“People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship.” It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

This article is original More.ca content.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com (http://www.thesmartdivorce.com/)

 

Mapping Out A Prenup .. Second Time Around

The Question: I’m about to get married for the second time. How do I ensure that my children and my new wife won’t ever have to duke it out over my estate after I’m gone?

By Bryan Borzykowski

Mapping out a pre-nuptial agreement is never particularly romantic. But it can be especially tricky when children from previous relationships are involved.

Winnipeg-based engineer John Lang found this out the hard way. When Lang (not his real name) married his second wife 22 years ago, he wanted to guarantee that his sizable estate would be fairly divvied up among his new wife and his three children upon his death, so he drew up a pre-nup in which he distributed assets of comparable value among them. Easy enough.

Except in the two decades since, Lang’s net worth has grown significantly, and some of his assets appreciated much faster than others. If he died today, his wife would inherit significantly more than his kids. Lang now finds himself in the unenviable position of having to revise the agreement.

The dilemma of how to protect everyone in a blended family situation is an increasingly common one.

Typically, unless special arrangements have been made, the assets accumulated during any marriage are divided equally in the event of a divorce. When one spouse dies, the general rule is that the entire estate rolls over to the surviving spouse.

Problems tend to arise, however, when there is friction between the children of the deceased and the remaining step-parent.

Experts say the key to avoiding future family brawls is clear premarital communication. Sit down with your partner and open the books. “It’s the step most people skip over,” says Frank Wiginton, a CFP with Toronto’s TriDelta Financial. “Find out where each other is at financially, and work toward a common understanding.”

In most cases, that understanding should include two words: pre-nuptial agreement. Even if you’re not wealthy.

Considering that 60% of second marriages end in divorce, a pre-nup is the best way to protect your kids’ inheritance. It should detail not only who gets which assets, says Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce, but also how family heirlooms will be distributed. “Keep the china set or grand piano in the family,” she says. “That gives children a sense of comfort.”

If not done correctly, splitting up even simple assets can create major headaches. For instance, be sure to divide your estate using percentages, not dollar amounts. Lawyers often ignore inflation, says Jim Stoffman, a lawyer with Winnipeg’s Taylor McCaffrey.

Say, for example, a 40-year-old parent gifts their child $100,000. “If they live another 50 years, that’s like giving the kid $10,000.” Instead, he says, “look at stocks, bonds, RSPs, value of cars and homes, and divide proportionally.”

In addition to specifying who gets what, Stoffman asks clients to develop plans for four scenarios: one for short-term, medium-term, and long-term marriage, and one for death.

The short-term scenario, which pertains to a marriage of five years or less, is the easiest one to work out: just keep the status quo. As the anniversaries pile up, Stoffman says, relationships inevitably get more complicated. “One can rarely plan beyond three to five years,” he says. “But you can try.”

One good option is a testamentary trust. When a spouse dies, everything in the trust real estate, bank accounts, portfolios technically goes to the children, but they are prohibited from accessing it until the step-parent dies. So while the kids own the home, the surviving spouse can reside in it indefinitely and live off accrued interest from the investments.

Another way to avoid common pitfalls is to ensure you and your spouse are clear about who owns what. Don’t jointly register assets. Make sure you know whose name is on the house and the RRSP, for example, and who has full control over the investment accounts. If you can’t answer these questions, you can bet a lot of your estate holdings will be eaten up in legal fees.

Lang didn’t follow the rules, which is why he’s sweating. His wife and kids get along now, but who knows what will happen in the future? “I don’t want my children to feel cheated,” he says.

Sounds like it’s time to call the lawyer

Article Courtesy of  Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce

Originally published  in  Canadian Business Magazine

Identifying and Achieving Your Goals in a Divorce

By Erica Christian

The circumstances giving rise to a divorce may be emotionally consuming making it difficult for you to think about what life will be like once the divorce is granted. It’s also easy to be overwhelmed with all of the terminology and procedures that come along with filing for a divorce.

As you begin this process, you must thoughtfully consider what your goals are in regards to the issues that will be addressed in your case. Identifying goals, both in the short and long term, is essential to developing the best strategy to obtain the results you want in a divorce.

Below is a guide that will help get you started on defining your goals and identifying how these goals can be achieved.

The Wish List

To initiate a divorce action, a party files a petition with the court asking the court to grant a divorce based on the terms he or she specifies. The Petitioner will include requests relating to all of the following: custody and placement of the minor children, financial support for the children, financial support for the party (maintenance or alimony), property division, and costs/attorneys fees. In states where fault plays a factor in the granting of the divorce or the ability to receive support, the Petitioner will include provisions, which describe what the other party did which precipitated the filing of the divorce.

The opposing party is often shocked when he or she sees everything the Petitioner is asking for. It’s important to realize that the petition is a wish list. Often, the relief requested in the Petition is unrealistic and unreasonable. However, if the Petitioner does not include everything he or she could possibly want, he or she may be barred from asking for that relief later in the process. Whether you are the Petitioner or the Respondent, it is important to begin by identifying your wish list in relation to the topics outlined above. Together with your attorney, you can later determine how realistic the goals are given your particular situation.

While engaging in this process of identifying you goals and later refining your goals with your attorney, you should be sure to keep an open mind. Depending on the circumstances leading to the divorce, you may be looking to punish your spouse, or punish yourself. To the best of your ability, it is important to look beyond the present situation. By keeping an open mind and analyzing your goals in the here and now and in the future, you will help yourself identify reasonable goals that you have a better chance of achieving.

Custody and Placement

Legal custody and physical custody are two very different concepts that are often confused into one concept of “custody.” Legal custody refers to the parent’s legal right and responsibility to make decisions for a minor child pertaining to health, education, and religion. Physical custody, sometimes referred to as placement, is the time that the child will spend with each parent. It is important for you to identify your goals relating to legal custody and physical placement at the beginning of the divorce process. Depending on your relationship with your children, the goals as to each may be different for the short term and the long term.

There are two types of legal custody: sole and joint. In many jurisdictions, there is a presumption that the parties should have joint legal custody of their children. This presumption can be overcome for a variety of reasons, including, but not limited to: lack of involvement by one parent in the child’s life; alcohol or other drug abuse by a parent; physical, emotional or mental abuse of a parent to the child or the other parent; and the ability of the parties to communicate with one another and support the other parent’s relationship with the child. Given the joint custody presumption and the burden needed to overcome the presumption, identify your goal as to legal custody and in a short sentence or two, identify why you believe this arrangement is in the best interest of your children.

Physical custody arrangements vary greatly. Physical custody also often determines who will receive child support. First, identify your ideal schedule. You may have heard of an every other weekend schedule or an equal shared placement schedule. Perhaps you and your spouse rotate placement during the school week. Simply identify the schedule that you believe is the best schedule considering your and your children’s schedules and the relationship your children have with each parent. As with the legal custody arrangement, compose a short statement describing why you believe this schedule is in your child’s best interest. Depending on your relationship with the children and the events leading up to the divorce, your ideal schedule during the pendency of the divorce may be different than the schedule you hope to enjoy with your children at the end of this process.

Financial support for the children and spouse

A thoughtful analysis of your present finances and the financial situation you and your wife will be in after the divorce is final will help you determine what your goals are in terms of support for the children and wife.

In most jurisdictions, child support is determined by a formula applying the placement schedule to the parties’ respective incomes. Even if you have an equal shared placement schedule or a majority of the placement with your children, your state’s formula may require you to pay more if there is a disparity in income between you and your wife.

Additionally, if there is a disparity in income, you or your wife may be able to seek spousal support, also referred to as maintenance or alimony. However, spousal support in most jurisdictions is not automatic simply because there is a disparity in income. Most states have a variety of factors that the court considers in determining whether or not a spouse is entitled to spousal support including, but not limited to: the length of the marriage, the earning potential of each party, the contributions of each party to the marriage giving appropriate weight to homemaking contributions, contributions of one party to the other party’s earning power, and possibly marital misconduct. Generally, the longer you were married and the bigger the difference in earnings, the longer you will pay maintenance or the larger the payment may be.

Given this basic understanding, identify your goals relating to spousal and child support. If there is a large disparity in income, you should also identify goals that would increase the earning power of the spouse earning less.

Asset and Debt Division

In order to come up with goals related to your assets and debts, you need to identify all of the assets and debts of the relationship. Each state varies in determining what assets and debt are individual and which are marital. Some states treat assets and debts acquired prior to the marriage as individual property; others count all assets as marital unless the asset was acquired by gift or inheritances.

For starters, identify what assets and debts you believe may be considered individual assets or debts. Then, of the marital assets and debts, define what your goal is as to division. Many states have a presumption that assets and debts are to be divided 50/50. However, there may be exigent factors that justify deviating from an equal division of the assets and debts in a relationship including, but not limited to, contributions to the marriage and marital misconduct.

What’s Possible and What’s Probable

Given the wish list is complete, the next step is to meet with your attorney and allow him or her to discuss what goals are possible and what goals are probable. The reasonableness of your goals will be largely dependent on the laws of your jurisdiction. Applying the law to the circumstances in your case will project what the probable results could be if your case went to trial. Notice I did not say what would happen in your divorce. An attorney with the ability to predict the future would most certainly be a force to be reckoned with. However, considering no attorney can predict the future, your attorney can only base his or her analysis of the probability and possibility of achieving your goals on his or her knowledge of the law and past experiences before the judge assigned to your case. Your attorney will then develop a strategy for your case keeping these goals in mind.

Achieving Your Goals

Now that you have a list of realistic goals for your case, the next step is negotiation or adversarial proceedings, which will realize these goals.

You and your wife are free to settle your case anytime you both choose so long as it is prior to the conclusion of a trial. This agreement may be the product of negotiations between the attorneys, direct negotiations between you and your wife, or the product of mediation. Direct negotiations are not advisable, especially in cases with complex issues. You should consult with your attorney prior to entering into any direct negotiations with your wife. To facilitate settlement, you and your wife may agree to mediation. Mediation is an alternative dispute resolution process using a neutral third party, the mediator, to facilitate negotiations. Not all mediators are attorneys, but all mediators are trained in techniques to promote dialogue and realistic bargaining between the parties, which helps them reach a resolution by agreement. You may decide to have your attorneys present at the mediation, especially in situations with complicated issues.

If you and your wife cannot come to an agreement on the terms of your divorce, you have a right to have your issues litigated. At trial, you present evidence in favor of your terms, your wife presents evidence in favor of her terms, and a Guardian ad Litem may be appointed to present evidence in favor of terms that would be in the best interest of the children. At the conclusion of the trial, the Judge makes a ruling on all of the contested issues of the divorce. The difficulty with trial is the uncertainty of the end result. If you and your wife agree on some issues, but not all, you may be able to submit a partial agreement and have a trial on the remaining contested issues.

Prior to agreeing to any settlement, you should refer back to the goals you defined. After meeting with your attorney and analyzing which goals are being met through the agreement, you can then determine whether or not you should agree to a settlement or proceed with trial.

Erica Christian is an Associate Attorney in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin, office of Cordell & Cordell, P.C. She is licensed to practice law in the state of Wisconsin. She is a member of the Wisconsin Bar Association, the Family Law Section and the Children’s Law Section.

Article courtesy of DadsDivorce.com

Is Someday Going To Be Your Best Day

Is someday going to be your best day? I came across those words while reading a book by John Maxwell “Put Your Dream to the Test“

The book was actually given to me as a gift by my friend Mark.  He invited me to lunch to catch up, and he had an extra copy of the book and he felt I would appreciate it. No strings attached. He  just knew it would strike a chord with me.  Giving without expecting anything in return. The ultimate and most meaningful gift.

He was right. John Maxwell is one of my favorite authors.  I could not put the book down. But this one paragraph made me pause and think. I’m sure you have had those moments.

Here is what he wrote. ” To really live the journey is what matters. If you become fixated on a destination, even a dream destination, you can miss all the great things that happen along the way. And, you miss the joy of today. If you’re convinced that someday is going to be your best day, you won’t put enough into today, or get enough out of it”.

How many of you, myself included, have thought , ” when I have more money”, or “when I get that dream car”, or for some, “when I find that someone special”, ” when I, when I when I”.

Meanwhile, life passes by and we live in the someday  I will be happy. Funny thing is once you finally acquire what you have dreamed about, there always seems to be another distant, “someday when I have that”.

Earl Nightingale in his award-winning and renown program “Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret“, spoke of living with an Attitude of Gratitude. If you remind yourself daily to appreciate what you have and be thankful, he said,  life can be abundant.

All the great authors and teachers seem to share this same philosophy.  There has got to be something to it.

One life.  That is all you get. I am not saying it is easy. I will not stand in front of you and say I don’t have those moments or down days.

But I think if you can try and live with an attitude of gratitude and not wait for someday, today has a chance to be your best day.

Why Teens Need Dads

By: Ben Murphy
 

When our kids are young they think we dads are gods (well, for the most part anyway). We’re smart, strong, handsome… it’s really nice, isn’t it? But, come the teen years things can get complicated despite the best of intentions. The “because I’m your father, that’s why” argument no longer holds much water and we realize that some of the only clout we have in our teen’s lives is the consistent time we’ve invested in them growing up.

As the teenage years progress, there are times that your child will open up and share things with you, and times that they won’t – even if you have a great relationship. Perhaps it’s helpful to understand why teens need their fathers, and what you can do to deepen that relationship.

Fathers are a boy’s role model for how to be (or not to be) a man. It’s been said “link a boy to the right man and he seldom goes wrong.” There’s an awful lot of truth in that and, ideally, a boy’s father should be that man. Whether you like or not, you are probably the #1 influencer on what kind of man your son becomes. Make sure you’re a positive influence. Model for your son what you’d like him to be. Model how he should treat women by how you treat your wife and daughter. Whether it seems to be sinking in or not, he is paying attention to how you are a man and it will influence him deeply.

Fathers are a girl’s benchmark for how they should be treated. Want your daughter to think highly of herself and expect others to do the same? Than treat her that way. Girls learn relationship and love and respect from their fathers; both how their fathers treat them and their mother. There’s not a more formative time for this perception than during the teenage years. Girls learn how they should be treated by how their dads treat them. Show your daughter how she ought to be treated, and instill in her high expectations of herself and how others should treat her as well.

Time is probably the most critical aspect of your influence on your teen. Kids figure out pretty quickly that their dad is a busy guy. That’s why your time means so much to them. Your teen needs you to spend time with them. They probably won’t tell you that, but they do. If you don’t spend time with them, they simply can’t learn from you. And, just being in the room doesn’t count. We all have crazy schedules and there are many things vying for our time, but time with our kids should be quality and undistracted. Turn off the blackberry and give your teen your attention. And set aside reliable time to spend with your kids.

Welcome your teen’s friends. As frightening as it sounds, studies have consistently shown that parents do not have as much influence over their children as their children’s friends do. So, know their friends. Make your home an inviting place for them all to hang out. There’s no substitute for knowing your child’s friends and having them in your home as opposed to having them out-and-about running loose (and you stressing about it). Granted, you need to give your child their freedom, but make your home a place they can always have friends over… make sure your child and their friends know that your home is a safe place they are always welcome to come and hang out. Friends are absolutely formative to a teen’s world and you being part of that creates a better relationship with your children.

Ask the questions you know are on their mind. Teens don’t often express what they want to ask you, but if you’ve spent any time with your child, you can probably sense it. They need you as a sounding board for guidance and advice. Raise the questions you know they want to ask.

Let your teen make some choices. Within reason, give them some leeway to make choices, even if they’re awkward for you. Let them pick what’s on the radio in the car, where you grab dinner, a project to tackle together, or where to take a vacation. Remember that what seems like a little decision to you may seem like a big decision to your teen. Allow them the satisfaction of knowing you trust them enough to do so.
 

Ben Murphy is the Founder and CEO of TheFatherLife.com, an online men’s magazine for dads. He lives in New York State with his wife and two daughters.

Domestic Violence Isn’t Necessarily What You Thought

By Matthew A. Breddan, Esq.

When you hear the words “Domestic Violence” what victim comes to mind? When you do a Google Search for “what is domestic violence,” the very first link is titled “Web Definitions for domestic violence.” Its definition states: “violence or physical abuse directed toward your spouse or domestic partner; usually violence by men against women.” This definition clearly shows a “bias” against men .

Under California law, Domestic Violence is defined by statute as “(a) Intentionally or recklessly to cause or attempt to cause bodily injury. (b) Sexual assault. (c) To place a person in reasonable apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to that person or to another. (d) To engage in any behavior that has been or could be enjoined pursuant to Section 6320.”

California Family Code § 6211 states “Domestic Violence as abuse perpetrated against any of the following persons: (a) A spouse or former spouse. (b) A cohabitant or former cohabitant, as defined in Section 6209. (c) A person with whom the respondent is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship. (d) A person with whom the respondent has had a child, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child of the female parent under the Uniform Parentage Act (Part 3 (commencing with Section 7600) of Division 12). (e) A child of a party or a child who is the subject of an action under the Uniform Parentage Act, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child to be protected. (f) Any other person related by consanguinity or affinity within the second degree.”

This last definition is clearly more gender neutral than the first, and the California Legislature also defines Domestic Violence as violence against any children of either party.

There is a large segment of academia that believes the number of men who are victims of domestic violence is far greater than the numbers being reported. These individuals postulate that there are a numerous reasons for the under-reporting, not the least of which is the stigma associated with a man being “beaten” by their female counterparts.

• The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.

• It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.

• The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people. Many men will not even attempt to report the incident.

• The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women. Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women. There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.

• In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others.

• Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them. It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports. Women generally don’t do those things.

In 1997, Professors Martin Feibert and Denise Gonzalez, both from California State University, conducted a comprehensive study on women for perpetuating violence against their male counterparts. Approximately 30% of the women surveyed admitted to physical aggression against their male partners. The reasons given, however, were remarkable, to say the least.

Of the top five, the most prevalent reason given was “My partner wasn’t sensitive to my needs.” Coming in at a very close second was “I was trying to get his attention.” The next three on the list were: “He wasn’t listening to me;” “My partner was being verbally abusive” and “I didn’t think I would hurt him.” While many people believed that women mainly “fought back,” the reasons given in the order of frequency, clearly dispels this notion.

Even the latest fact sheet from the Centers for Disease Control (partly from crime-based data) states: “In the United States every year, about 1.5 million women and more than 800,000 men are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner” (i.e., 36% of the victims are men). Unfortunately, the DV industry has covered up female violence for decades for purely ideological reasons. (Kelly, Linda, “Disabusing the Definition of Domestic Abuse; How Women Batter Men and the Role of the Feminist State,” 30 Fl. St. U. Law R. 791, 2003,)

Domestic Violence is a societal ill that affects both MEN and women. Awareness, public acknowledgement, new definitions and changing the social stereotypes of who is abused will also help end Domestic Violence. The Charleston Gazette quotes Marc Angelucci of the National Coalition for Men, “We are not trying to belittle women who are abused, we’re trying to raise awareness that men are also victims .”

It is my goal to achieve the best possible results for my clients and in the process, ensuring that the children are not used as “pawns”, or bargaining chips to accomplish a goal or agenda of either party.

Originally from New York, I moved to California in 1983. After finishing High School in Woodland Hills, I attended California State University, Fullerton, where I obtained a Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice with a minor in Sociology. Thereafter, I obtained my J.D. from University of La Verne, College of Law, and have been in practice ever since.  http://matthewbreddan.com/

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

1. http://www.oregoncounseling.org/Handouts/DomesticViolenceMen.htm
2.Tony Rutherford; Huntingtonnews.net Reporter; October 9, 2009 Article titled “Kanawha County Judge Rules West Virginia Domestic Violence Rules Discriminate Against Men” http://www.huntingtonnews.net/state/091009-rutherford-statetdomesticviolence.html The primary focus of my practice is all aspects of Family Law, from nuts to bolts. In addition, I serve as the family law mediator for the Superior Court of the County of Los Angeles, primarily in the San Fernando Branch court.

5 Key Reasons For Conflict In A Marriage

Marriage Problems

Courtesy of James J. Gross

“In any group of people there are different agendas,” said my friend, who ought to know because she has a PhD in psychology.

“And different agendas mean conflict.”

Now comes the important part. “A group is any number more than one!”

So a marriage is a group. That means two different agendas. And that means conflict.

There can be many reasons for conflict in a marriage.

1. Infidelity. Infidelity is involved in about one divorce in five. Some marriages can survive infidelity. But if there is another man or woman in your life, then you are not in a committed relationship and there is a problem with your marriage

 


2. Domestic Violence. Verbal or physical violence is reason for divorce. Everyone has the right to be free from unwanted touching and physical harm. Words can hurt as much or more as physical pain. Spouses can be put out of the marital home for verbal or physical violence.

 


3. Control. Sometimes control is the issue. A husband may find success in the business world by exerting control. He tries to run his house the same way. A wife may stifle her emotional needs for years in the hopes that things will get better. Finally she leaves. Even if he tries to change now it is too late. She does not believe him.

 


4. Finances. Disagreement over finances may cause conflict. Opposites attract. A wife who is a saver might marry a spender. The wife might feel like she is rescuing the husband by providing order and a budget. The husband might enjoy the structure that the wife brings. But after a while, the restrictions are too binding and the husband rebels. The wife reacts by being even more strict than she normally would be on her own. Different financial strategies and philosophies can cause conflict in a marriage.

 


5. Parenting. People have different approaches to parenting. One parent may feel the other is too strict with the children. Another may feel the other parent is too lenient with the children and that the children need to learn independence. One parent may feel the other is lax about the children’s weight or medical problems. The other sees that parent as overprotective and perhaps even a hypochondriac.

There are alternatives to divorce. By the time people get to the lawyer’s office, they have usually made up their minds to get a divorce. But a few change their minds, or want to give their marriage one last chance. In that case, there are a few things you can try.

It is difficult to discuss these issues with your spouse. And some couples have no communication at all. You have to get your thoughts out of your head and into your mouth and then onto paper. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down at the kitchen table and talking to each other. However, most of us think that if we talk and talk, the other person will finally be persuaded that we are right. That will not work in this situation. You both have to listen and acknowledge what the other person has said before you speak.

Mediators are trained professionals who remain neutral and will help you reach agreements. It may be possible to negotiate a post-marital agreement to resolve some of the conflicts that have arisen in your marriage. In addition to finances, you can even include such details as who will cook meals, who will carry out the trash or how frequently you will have sex.

Counseling is a good way to figure out what to do. The marriage counselor will ask questions that help you think more clearly about what is going on and what you want. The marriage counselor will help the two of you communicate better with each other and provide ways for you to resolve your conflicts. When control is the issue in a marriage, sometimes all the couple needs is a good conflict resolution mechanism.

Article courtesy of Maryland Divorce Lawyers

4 Strategy Tips for Child Custody Battles

Great insight from an attorney’s perspective.

Courtesy of  James J. Gross

Sometimes in a child custody battle, a client will ask me, “What’s your strategy for my case?” I have to think about this for awhile because frequently I do things by intuition. That’s because through experience I know what has worked and what has not worked in prior cases. So here are some strategy tips for child custody battles.
 

 

1. Get the Facts First

Most clients are not lawyers. They are scattered and harried by their case. That means you have to get them to settle down and give you the facts. Then you have to check the facts because they give them to you only through their own filters. Finally you have to organize the facts.

2. Develop a Theory of the Case

Boil it down to one sentence that the client agrees with and can carry as a big flashing neon sign in the back of their head. This will inform their testimony at deposition and trial and help the lawyer present their story to the court. It will also help you separate the good facts, the ones that support your theory, from the bad facts, the ones that support the other side’s theory.

3. Be Constructive

Don’t make the theory of the case that the other party is the bad parent and you are the good parent. Play up your positives instead of the other parent’s negatives. Instead of, “Mom never helps little Johnny with his homework” say, “I am more consistent in helping little Johnny with his homework.”

4. You Can’t Fight City Hall

The Family Court System may be terrible, but we are not going to change it overnight for your case. Accept it the way it is. It is never going to be the way it should be. That means I can’t get the Judge to disqualify herself, I can’t get the Custody Evaluator or the Guardian Ad Litem replaced, so you are going to have to get these people on your side. If that means you have to get your own therapist or acting coach to tell you how to do it, then that is what you have to do.

Child custody battles are the worst kind of litigation. The stakes are high and emotions run wild. Who wants to lose their kids? But stay calm, use these strategic tips, and you will successfully navigate your child custody battle.

Article courtesy of Maryland Divorce Lawyers

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