Late yesterday afternoon I stole an ink cartridge from Staples. Sounds terrible right? Well, I think I was being tested. Let me explain.

I am not going to get into a deeply religious diatribe here, but I have been doing some reading recently. I will explain in more detail in a future post.

Part of this reading has also included books by John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach for UCLA. The initial book Coach Wooden One-on-One: Inspiring Conversations on Purpose, Passion and the Pursuit of Success, was recommended to me by Ray Lokar @CoachLok who I connected with on twitter. It has had a big influence on me. One of the statements I read that I constantly come back to is ” You do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do.”

Back to my theft at Staples.

I was working in my home office and went to print out a document. It came out blank. I tried again. Same result. I knew I couldn’t be out of ink because I just bought a new extra-large black cartridge about a month ago.  I checked my ink level status and sure enough it showed empty. I was annoyed and just knew this was not possible. I figured the cartridge I purchased was defective. I  grabbed it out of my printer, found my receipt and quickly drove off to Staples.

I explained to the associate at the customer service desk and he took my story to the store manager. A minute or two later he came back and even though he looked at me with a skeptical eye, he handed me a new cartridge as an exchange. He told me the next time I would have to go direct to the manufacturer.

I noticed at the checkout that I had been given a regular sized black cartridge instead of the extra-large that was on my receipt. The cartridge I handed to the orginal clerk did seem to be the same size so rather than make another complaint, I just accepted the exchange and left.

As I was driving home, I just had this feeling that something wasn’t right. Why did the cartridge I gave the clerk not appear larger? Why did the price at the register not seem high enough? The irony is when I purchased the ink originally I had only planned on replacing my color cartridges. But since I needed to purchase $75 or more of ink to use my $10 off coupon, I purchased the extra-large black replacement.

When I returned to my office, I decided to check my drawers. There it was.  The unopened XL black cartridge box!

Apparently, I never replaced the black because it wasn’t empty at the time. I had only replaced the color. That explained why the black ink  “appeared” to run out so fast.

So now I had a decision.  After all, Staples would never know. It was an honest mistake on my part. Haven’t you ever found something in your bag, an extra french fry or a packet of gum your young child placed in your cart after checkout?

As I stood looking at the new cartridge in my hand the words “ you do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do” flashed. 

……..The store manager looked at me with astonishment in his eyes. He thanked me several times for being so honest. 

The feeling I felt as I left the store will last much longer then the ink in the cartridge.

Have you ever been in a similar situation?  Tell me how you felt or how you handled it.

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1. What Single Dads Can Learn From Coach John Wooden

I am a huge fan of coach John Wooden.  I am currently reading my second book  written by him Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections on and Off the Court . His messages are very inspiring to me.

In one section he discusses the topic of bad apples. Basically it follows the idea that in any profession or group there is a tiny percentage of bad apples. The percentage never really changes but they are always there. The percentage of good apples is always large. We just never hear about them.

This got me thinking about the single mom and single dad discussions.

I believe the overwhelming majority in these groups are good.  But the ones that get most of the attention are the bad apples. This is especially true in the online discussions. Over the years, the small percentage of bad apples in the single dad category smothered the voices of the great ones.  The door is beginning to crack open a bit to let these stories out, but we still have a  long way to go.

We would all be a lot better off if we followed some additional advice by John Wooden.  ‘”Be quick to praise, and slow to critisize.”

What do you think? Have a few bad apples made it tougher on the good ones? What can be done to change it?

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Recently,  I was forwarded a terrific article by a friend and contributor Peter Ehrlich. The article is called The Disease Called Perfection,  originally posted by Dan on his  blog Single Dad Laughing.

If you read the article you should agree it is a great thought provoking piece. As I continued to review the website I found great posts on a variety of topics. I recommend you visit this terrific site often. It will be worth it.

However, I have begun to feel a disconnect towards articles I find on single dad websites about potty training, kids homework, ex issues, dating hotties, etc. 

I remarried two years ago which was a major change. But I still connect with being a single dad. I will always feel the need to stand firm with single dads getting the respect they deserve.

This fall my youngest daughter went off to college. I now seem a bit lost.

After 10 years of being a full time single dad of three, they are all gone.  Sure, they will come home for breaks and holidays, but that is just to visit now.

So though it may seem I am depressed, I am not. At times  I do drift off and picture them in their younger years.  But it  is not as much of an empty nest issue as a  ” Who am I really?”

I read a quote recently that stated, ” Life is easy and fun when you start being who you really are instead of what others think you should be.”

Who do I want to be? That is the question I need to explore. 

Have you ever had this dialog with yourself?  Do you ever question your true purpose? 

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

My “A Dad’s Point-of-View” column is carried all over the world and one of the wonderful peripheral benefits I receive is “virtually” meeting so many wonderful editors, publishers, and web-masters. One of them is Jennifer Jurgens, the news director/executive assistant, at wyomingnetwork.com. They have 17 community websites across Wyoming. She is also a wonderful and involved mom. Recently, she wrote to me asking some questions that related to her daughter beginning middle school. Well, to be more accurate, she was suggesting that these questions (a.k.a. issues) could be the basis for one of my columns.

Unlike the “Empty Nest Syndrome,” that is well known, documented, and ubiquitously written about, the “Middle School Syndrome” is my term for what I believe is a newer “syndrome.” This column will bring this reality out from the shadows where it has lurked! To be clear, the term “Middle School Syndrome” is mine and it is based on my experiences and those of parents that I know. I suspect it is widespread, but I’m sure it is not present in every community and every school district.

It all begins today with pre-school, which was known as “nursery school” when I attended. It was a simple affair when I attended. We played. And, then we played some more. Now, in some exclusive regions of our country, the parents have to beg and show their financial statements to get their precious darlings into the pre-school du jour.

Thus, the school journey begins and it has become much more complicated than in the past. As we know all too well, our country’s budget problems have caused numerous cutbacks in schools nationwide. Programs that were standard when I attended primary school, like sports, music, “shops” (e.g. wood, metal, and auto), are largely gone or have been relegated to after-school and parent-supported activities.

Plus, class-size and budget cuts have resulted in much more active recruitment by the schools of parent volunteers and much more political and clique-driven parent-teacher associations, run mostly by the SAHMs (Stay-At-Home-Moms).

Many of these women came from the business world and bring that energy, enthusiasm, and drive to these parent-teacher groups.

I became the SAHD (Stay-At-Home-Dad) for my two boys during the early days of their elementary school education and, later, became the 24/7 parent when my first wife and I separated and later divorced. During those years, I was thrust into the different and strange world of these parent-teacher organizations. Dads were few and far between. I was treated with a sort of distant tolerance but it quickly became clear that these moms did not want a man in their midst.

At first, I found this a bit hurtful but later understood that the basic gender differences and interests were largely what motivated my isolation from the inner-core of these parent groups. I chose to volunteer directly in my boys’ classes, give my donated funds directly to their teachers, and thus actually got more personal benefit, satisfaction, and value for my money and time.

It was abundantly clear to me that the parent role in elementary school had undergone a significant and distinct change in the past decade or two. No longer were parents invited to attend just a “back-to-school” day or occasional assembly. Now there were monthly assemblies, regular fund-raisers, and constant demands for time and money from the parents.

I took particular ironic pleasure in these assemblies where, over the course of the school year, every kid in every class would eventually “earn” an award. In the name of self-esteem, these awards naturally lost any value they might have otherwise had. But, it was a regular opportunity for the parents to take video and photos of their “darlings” and another opportunity for the elite of the parent-teacher organizations to stand up and speak on behalf of all the parents and on behalf of the school fund-raising efforts.

So, parents now had new jobs. They helped run their kids’ schools, raise the funds to meet their school’s budgets, and began having a say in much more of their kid’s education than had ever occurred before. Naturally, it filled that work need that so many of these former career-driven moms had forsaken for the role and job of mom. In other words, it took on too much importance in their lives and became too much a part of their identity.

Now we get to the heart of the matter and why I think that we have “the middle school syndrome.” The reason is simply that the middle schools pretty much banish the parents and actually run themselves. So, these parents who were taking such pride, pleasure, and job satisfaction from the seven years of elementary school participation all of a sudden find themselves “jobless.”

So, as my friend Jennifer suggested in her letter to me on this subject, she was trying to figure out her new role, now that her daughter had begun middle school. I responded that her new role was age-old; she now was just going to have to settle for being her daughter’s mother, rather than her political advocate and parent-teacher advisor at her school. And that, my friends, is the sum and substance of “the middle school syndrome”–moms and dads having to settle for just raising their children, teaching them their values, monitoring their activities, and letting the schools take care of their offspring’s education.

Lesson? Let go. Be the best mom or dad you can be. And, maybe, take up golf.

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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By Peter Ehrlich

Lust. Love. Betrayal. War. Redemption. Peace. Sounds like an ad for your typical television fictional mini-series. It’s not. It’s my life-changing non-fictional journey as a single dad.

My ex and I separated and the subsequent result was her and I engaging in a fierce custody battle. A few couples can separate amicably. We could not.

When a mother and father fight over their child, the stakes always feel exponentially extreme.

Watch any nature program starring a mother bear and her cubs (children). Then picture yourself walking into the frame with the intention of approaching her babies. You’re not walking out unscathed. That’s motherhood.

Unlike male bears, evolved men are programmed to care for and defend their children as well. That’s fatherhood.

In a custody battle, it’s not about Venus and Mars. It’s about Venus and Venus – colliding.

And so, like lots of you, my ex and I fought – a lot. The hostility was always there. Whether on the phone or during the “handoff” we were like the two guards facing each other at the DMZ between North and South Korea.

Even apart, the silence of our war was deafening.

To steal a line from Apocalypse Now, my ex and I looked upon each other “with extreme prejudice”.

Then life threw me a magical curve. Here goes.

As per our Access Schedule, I went to my son’s school to pick him up. (My ex was the registrar.)

When I walked in, the entire staff crowded around me; “Suzanne didn’t come in today for work. And she never called in sick”. There was a look of deep concern in their faces.

With their words my body caved in. I knew my ex was in serious trouble. Suzanne was too disciplined to not call in. It was impossible. Something was very wrong.

I was stricken. There was nothing cerebral about my reaction. It was all from the gut. As Woody Allen says, “nothing worth knowing can be understood by the mind”.

I grabbed my son, jumped into the car, racing to her house.

I knocked. No answer. The door was unlocked, the house empty. I got on the phone and called her best friend, now nearly hysterical, “Ingrid, Suzanne is missing”.

She suggested I call the police and ask if an ambulance was sent to the address.

I did, and yes, Suzanne was picked up by an ambulance and taken to Mt. Sinai.

Speeding there, I parked the car in the first illegal spot I saw and we ran to her room.

There she was, her eyes lighting up at the sight of our son. She had a gall bladder attack. I slumped in a chair, put my face in my hands and cried.

A nurse came in and said to Suzanne, “see how your husband loves you”.

We heard the words but could not possibly acknowledge the great irony to each other. Suzanne saw my tears and silently absorbed them. The emotional benefit for me would be manifested another day.

The magic? I discovered a love for my ex. I loved Suzanne because she loved our son. Nothing else mattered. I discovered the ultimate bottom line, and by doing so, was freed from the shackles of “extreme prejudice”.

Since that day we have been civil towards each other, something our son loves.

It’s the end of the year. Maybe it’s a good time to look deep within ourselves to discover the part of our soul that understands, once you willingly have a baby with someone, there is always love – somewhere.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com

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Summer means backyard barbecues, swimming pools, ice cream, and Crocs

By: Howard Ludwig, TheFatherLife.com

Many of the kids in my neighborhood wear uniforms to school. During the summer, they wear a uniform of a different sort – shorts, T-shirts and Crocs.

Crocs are flexible foam shoes often sold in bright colors. The plastic clogs are riddled with air holes. Wearers praise these quirky kicks for their comfort and convenience. Crocs slip on and off quickly, clean up easily and don’t absorb foot odor.

Another equally vocal contingent despises the shoes for their fashion. A Facebook group called, “I don’t care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass” has 1.5 million members. “They are the most visually insulting footwear of all time,” writes one Facebook fan.

My two- and three-year-old sons don’t have Facebook pages. They don’t have much fashion sense either (just like the old man). In fact, Bubba and Peter’s idea of red-carpet fashion is Star Wars pajamas and Spider-Man underwear.

My boys love Crocs because most of their friends have them. And while my youngest sometimes struggles to use a fork, even he can take his Crocs on and off by himself. Their feet don’t sweat in Crocs. And, the shoes are perfect for playing in puddles or in the sandbox.

For all of these same reasons, I love Crocs too – to hell with fashion.

Yet, I questioned the safety of these shoes. They aren’t sturdy. Perhaps parents of Croc-wearing tots are setting their children up for a lifetime of foot problems. Imagine a whole generation of flat-footed adults cursing their parents for outfitting them in foam resin clogs.

Marlene Reid said not to worry. She’s a spokeswoman for the American Podiatric Medical Association and practices podiatry in suburban Chicago. She also believes Crocs are relatively safe, particularly when compared to other summer footwear. “Crocs have certain components that we (podiatrists) look for in every shoe,” Reid said.

Crocs feature a contoured arch and a heel cup. There’s also ample room in the toe area, making the often-ridiculed shoe a viable option for folks with bunions and hammer toes. Finally, Crocs have flexible soles that bend as kids walk, Reid said.

It’s worth noting that some parents opt for off-branded Crocs, or Crock-offs. These shoes are fine too, as long as they have the same characteristics listed here, Reid said.

Of course, Crocs are not athletic shoes. So don’t send Junior to soccer practice wearing his slipons, but they’re much better than flip-flops and other flat-bottomed, stiff-soled summer shoes. In fact, the shoemaker even sells a medical version of Crocs that features a deeper heel cup and other custom features, Reid said.

With that in mind, the boys and I drove 100 miles to our nearest outlet mall. There’s a Crocs store there. The walls are lined with Crocs in more colors than you will find at Sherwin Williams. Bubba picked out a pair of royal blue Crocs. Peter opted for bright red. If you are going to wear ugly shoes, might as well flaunt it.

Howard Ludwig is a former business writer who traded in his reporter’s notebook for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad. He can be reached at hludwig@thefatherlife.com.

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Are children of a divorced couple really doomed? We debunk myths about divorce.

By: Deborah Moskovitch

While shopping one day with a friend, we can across a top we both loved – one size fits all. Could we both wear thesame top and look fabulous? It sort of fit us both, but it didn’t look quite right on either of us.

For most things in life, one size doesn’t really fit all. Divorce is the same.

Divorce myth #1: Divorce is the end of a happy life. Divorce is certainly an end, but it can also be a beginning to a new and fulfilling life (http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness/a/1638). It is possible to build a better life post-divorce than the one you had before. Figure out what it is that you want out of life, and what you need to do to get there.

Divorce myth #2: Divorce is bad for everyone involved. For many, divorce is a difficult experience. But there are those who are relieved that the marriage is over, and who relish the opportunity to start over. It does require strength and confidence. But if you were in relationship that was destructive to you for a variety of reasons, then good for you: You can face life head on and take control of your future.

Divorce myth #3: Children of divorce are doomed to a life of trouble. Research indicates that children are resilient. It’s the ways that their parents handle their divorce that affects the way that their children deal with divorce. It is possible for children to develop happy and emotionally balanced lives. It’s the way their parents manage divorce (http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800 ) that determines how positive the outcome is.

Divorce myth #4: Communication becomes better once you leave your spouse. Many people think that things will improve between former spouses once the divorce is final, especially if they have children. If you had trouble communicating during the marriage, chances are high that you will continue to have trouble communicating. If you couldn’t change him when you were married, you are not going to change him now. Accept that the only thing you have control over changing is yourself. Linda Popielarczyk  (http://www.connectionschildandfamily.com/), a registered Social Worker in Toronto, sees many separating and divorcing clients in her private practice. She notes that those with children are sometimes surprised to realize that that divorce does not end the relationship. “It is never really over for divorcing parents..rather, their challenge is to redefine their relationship to create a stable parenting partnership, despite their difficulties as partners in marriage.”

Popielarczyk sometimes finds parents will continue to argue with each other and complain about the same issues following separation as during their marriage. In these cases, they can be surprised to realize that they remain connected through these disagreements; and that they are not likely to change their former partners in separation, when they were unable to do so in marriage.

Divorce myth #5: The grass is greener on the other side. Often times people think that the problems behind their own unhappiness are somehow because of the marriage, and divorce will make the discontent go away, and all of a sudden sex and life will miraculously get better. There is a lot of self-work that needs to be done in order to find your own self happiness; another person can’t do that for you.

Examine your experience of marriage, not just what wasn’t good, but was great and what worked. Take some responsibility for your contribution, good and bad. Use this learning to point you in the direction of where you want to go, what you want to pursue and what you need in future relationships. Be introspective, and ensure you don’t get trapped into falling into relationship patterns that didn’t work previously.

Popielarczyk finds that divorce often represents a significant loss for adults, even when children are not involved. The longer the marriage, the greater the likelihood that ‘the relationship’ forms a significant part of one’s identity.

“People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship.” It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

This article is original More.ca content.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com (http://www.thesmartdivorce.com/)

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse? If so, what secrets are okay and which are not? I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy.

An example of a good “white lie” is the ubiquitous situation in which a wife asks her husband, “Am I looking fat?” or “How do I look in this dress?” We men know there’s only one answer, really: “You look great, Honey,” or some version of that.

Yes, that is funny, but many life situations are not. Blended families pose their own unique challenges, especially when both partners bring children to that blend. Children naturally feel closer to their biological parent.

Sometimes a biological child in a blended family will want to tell his or her mother or father something without it being revealed to their stepparent. I think this is an example of when keeping a secret may be okay.

I posed this general question about keeping secrets on my Facebook page and here are a sample of the considerable number of responses:

It depends on the secret, but in general I believe that spouses should not keep secrets; this is your soul mate and best friend…

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Proverbs 11:13

Before analyzing the secrets we keep from others, it all begins with the secrets we keep from ourselves.

Lies are usually born of pride and/or fear and there should be no pride or fear in love…

Oh and as far as blended families…bio has the first allegiance I feel…unless the kids were raised as infants or toddlers. Not many steps agree with this, but blood carries weight.

Spouses shouldn’t keep secrets, however, we are all “flawed” humans, and that is where the shades of gray come in.

As women, we just need to vent sometimes and I have realized that occasionally–just depends on what it is–that it actually frustrates him because men are “fixers” and we don’t always want to fix the problem, we just need to share it – get it off our chest.

I divide lies into white lies and black lies. White lies are for the protection of others (like focusing on positive aspects, praise, reassurance) while black lies protect me from all the awful things I’ve done (like I was unfaithful) and i should just fess up and take the punishment.

It’s clear that this issue is incendiary and provokes strong feelings and reactions from both men and women. I expect to get blasted for this next generality, but I believe women want “no secrets” withheld, more than men do. My unscientific “A Dad’s Point-of-View” gender-poll at the gym got instant responses from the women that no secrets should be withheld, while the men were more reflective or replied, “it depends.”

When I delved into it further with the women, they too would say that they needed to think about it some more. The example of blended families and children feeling more comfortable opening up to their biological parent and asking that it be kept from their step-parent, usually got an “I’ll have to think about that” from these moms.

When secrets are mentioned, the first thing most people think of is infidelity, which I will also assert may not always be a black and white issue. Again, most women said they wanted to know, while most men were less sure and thought it may depend on circumstances.

Rather than delve into what might be an acceptable circumstance to keep an indiscretion a secret, I will leave that for you to ponder. Just by using the word “indiscretion,” I know I’m implying there may be situations where it may be better to keep it a secret.

Okay, I can’t fully resist so I’ll share a hypothetical example. Which would you prefer? For your spouse to have a weekly, intimate, lunch with a co-worker and share their deepest feelings and thoughts (that him or her was not sharing with you) or for your spouse to have a one-night sexual liaison while away on business?

What if the spouse now reveals this secret, this incident? And, what if the partner just wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive the cheating incident? A divorce may follow. Untold pain and financial burdens accompany that process. And the children are now split from a whole family. Was it worth the truth in that case?

Finally, what about things that happened before we were married? Are we obligated to reveal any and every shameful incident from our past? What good would it do? Is it relevant? For instance, any health-related past that might affect our partner or our children I believe should and must be disclosed. But, does everything we may have done and possibly regretted really have to be told?

By now, it’s clear that my position is a nuanced one. I also skirted any and all religious values and approached these situations in a truly secular manner. In no way do I want to imply that such religious values are invalid and, frankly, I believe a religious foundation more often serves all of us best. Honesty is usually the best policy, but life is complicated and sometimes, maybe it’s best to keep some things secret.

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Teen energy, angst, and anger manifest itself in so many ways. Every day it seems that we read about some teen that has done something unusually self-destructive, and occasionally destructive to others.

Columbine was an extreme example of this. Many so-called “normal” teens tend to use or abuse the ol’ standbys of drinking, drugs, and sex to handle these emotions and changes.

For my own 16-year-old, his reaction has been mostly anger. The irony is that I’ve found this to be both good and bad.

How hormones affect the average teen have been studied and documented, but no one really knows definitively their effect since each teen reacts in different ways. The same is true for most women’s experience with menopause, as my wife has suffered horribly while for her mother it was a blip on the screen of her mid-life.

Will has done a little of the aforementioned “standbys” stated above, to some degree. But he’s done nothing extraordinary, over-the-top, or that different from all teens with the possible exception of his recent angry moods.

When I say moods, I mean moods. Let’s try a few descriptive words: sullen, quiet, loud, belligerent, intransigent, stubborn, willful, explosive. His impulsive behavior got him in a mess of trouble when he posted a mean-spirited comment on Facebook. The backlash, as it instantaneously circulated among all his friends and peers, was stunning. It nearly de-railed Will’s wonderful eight-month relationship with his girlfriend, as all her friends got involved, taking sides, and giving his minor comment a true life of its own.

At first, Will just got angrier and angrier before we really talked it out and I got him to post an apology. Sadly, the others that were now involved wouldn’t let it go, but this isn’t the point of this column.

The point is how do teen boys channel their energy, their out-of-control hormones, and anger? For many, sports are the outlet. Banging each other on the football field till exhaustion probably can moderate any teen’s angry mood.

Will never cared for sports, but he did like and then love rock ‘n’ roll. It began with his getting an inexpensive electric guitar as a graduation present from Elementary School. He evolved into an accomplished musician, as he now plays guitar, bass, and drums, and he sings. Along the way, I supported him by taking him to concerts by legendary performers like Bruce Springsteen and Eric Clapton as well as some of his contemporary bands such as Green Day, Incubus, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, to name just a few.

Joining a local School-of-Rock type of school where kids get put into bands and perform at local venues, gave him his first taste of performing. In his tween years, at which time he just played guitar, he developed a charismatic presence on stage. Or, as I tend to believe, it just came natural to him.

But, with the onset of puberty and all its attendant hormonal changes, this outlet proved even more vital and cathartic for him. Less than a year ago, he took up the drums. We jokingly say that the video game “Rock Band” taught him the basics, as he almost instantly was a pro. This proved to be the ultimate release for his pent-up anger and emotion, as he’d go and bang on the drums until there was a puddle of sweat accumulated on the garage floor.

His first performance on the drums coincided with his 15th birthday. He had been playing for maybe four months. Now, the inherent charisma he’d shown playing guitar, turned into something deeper and more intoxicating. At this show, the energy and magnetism he displayed clearly took the center of attention completely away from the singer, in this case a teen girl.

Undeterred, she responded with amazing calm and, cool as can be, integrated Will’s energy into her performance. Rather than fight what he was bringing, she interacted with him in an unrehearsed manner as she’d jump on the drums platform and sing to him. Yes, they had rehearsed, but Will doesn’t come out and show his stuff until he’s on stage, so she had no idea of what was to come.

That show was terrific and an eye-opener. He’s now grown into a wildly exciting drummer, guitarist, and more recently a singer. Suffering from a cold and recovering from a broken arm, he did vocals in a Rage Against The Machine tribute concert. In his 10-minute exhibition, he left the audience and himself exhausted from the power of his vocals and showmanship. In fact, halfway through it, during an instrumental interlude, he sat on his haunches and just tried to recover his breath.

This story is really not about my son, but rather about the need for our teen boys, and maybe our girls too, to have that outlet–that passion that will keep their wild puberty in check. Our job as parents is to help our children find their passion and nurture it as best as we can. In my case, I just need earplugs.

Postscript: My son, through his own initiative, made his rock ‘n’ roll dream come true when he got to jam, on stage, with Chris Cornell at The Roxy Theatre in Hollywood May 3, 2010 (to read about it, go to: http://bit.ly/RnRonWS).

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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By  Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

My single mother collected bottles on Miami Beach for money. I know because she told me.

I was on Google Earth recently to learn more about that “beach-bottle” time. I had a frayed document with the Miami address. After I punched it in, I was beamed down to float right above our Miami apartment.

I hovered over the laneway that my mother had to have walked down to find her bottles. I stared at a great swath of sand at the end of the laneway, sharing the pain, shame and poverty that my mother must have felt.

We eventually fled back to Montreal, where we first lived in one room with my grandparents on the Esplanade and then finally to our own flat in Outremont, where I played in the mud and gravel behind the building.

When I was 5 years old, I told my mother, “I want a daddy” and a year later I was sitting on Gunther Ehrlich’s lap.

She asked, “How would you like Gunther to be your father?” Without hesitation, I said, “Yes.” When I found out we shared the same birthday, Dec. 6, the deal was spiritually sealed.

Until meeting him I had never fished, seen stars in the sky, walked in the woods or visited a zoo.

Gunther Ehrlich took me everywhere and introduced me to a new and beautiful world that I explored with unbridled joy.
He provided us with a real home, a life defined by cottages, lakes, hiking and fishing.

When we were not at the cottage, he took us on road trips to Vermont, Maine or the Adirondacks.
He taught me that travel is a great form of education and that the road less travelled is the best one, the place where one finds the greatest treasures.

For the first time I saw that men, too, can love and nurture and I was at last in the company of a man who “wanted” to be my father.

When my father said, “Here are the car keys,” he gave me wings, allowing me to experience the joy of independence.

My mother died at 49 when I was 17 years old. I still needed him and he was always there for me. Without him I would have fallen through the cracks of society.

I now know the degree of love and commitment it took for this “magic-man” to walk into my life and take on the mantle of father.

Who is a man who “wants” to father someone else’s children? He’s someone who:

• Sees past the notion that the only children worth loving are those created by his sperm and that anything else is less sacred.

• Finds joy in giving to children because the torch he wants to pass on isn’t defined by his last name, but rather the quality of love he feels a natural desire to impart.

• Understands that love is an activity, that there’s a reason children dance even when standing still. Children need to be active, have their heads stuck in everything good and beautiful. He makes this happen.

• Sees life as a process and wouldn’t deem a failed marriage a mistake. He gives a single Mom every opportunity to start anew and revels in the glow she radiates as she sheds the parched skin of a painful past.

He’s a man who saves lives. He’s also my father.

Thank you, Dad. I’ll pass it on to your grandson.

Feel free to contact him via his website – www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

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