Summer means backyard barbecues, swimming pools, ice cream, and Crocs

By: Howard Ludwig, TheFatherLife.com

Many of the kids in my neighborhood wear uniforms to school. During the summer, they wear a uniform of a different sort – shorts, T-shirts and Crocs.

Crocs are flexible foam shoes often sold in bright colors. The plastic clogs are riddled with air holes. Wearers praise these quirky kicks for their comfort and convenience. Crocs slip on and off quickly, clean up easily and don’t absorb foot odor.

Another equally vocal contingent despises the shoes for their fashion. A Facebook group called, “I don’t care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass” has 1.5 million members. “They are the most visually insulting footwear of all time,” writes one Facebook fan.

My two- and three-year-old sons don’t have Facebook pages. They don’t have much fashion sense either (just like the old man). In fact, Bubba and Peter’s idea of red-carpet fashion is Star Wars pajamas and Spider-Man underwear.

My boys love Crocs because most of their friends have them. And while my youngest sometimes struggles to use a fork, even he can take his Crocs on and off by himself. Their feet don’t sweat in Crocs. And, the shoes are perfect for playing in puddles or in the sandbox.

For all of these same reasons, I love Crocs too – to hell with fashion.

Yet, I questioned the safety of these shoes. They aren’t sturdy. Perhaps parents of Croc-wearing tots are setting their children up for a lifetime of foot problems. Imagine a whole generation of flat-footed adults cursing their parents for outfitting them in foam resin clogs.

Marlene Reid said not to worry. She’s a spokeswoman for the American Podiatric Medical Association and practices podiatry in suburban Chicago. She also believes Crocs are relatively safe, particularly when compared to other summer footwear. “Crocs have certain components that we (podiatrists) look for in every shoe,” Reid said.

Crocs feature a contoured arch and a heel cup. There’s also ample room in the toe area, making the often-ridiculed shoe a viable option for folks with bunions and hammer toes. Finally, Crocs have flexible soles that bend as kids walk, Reid said.

It’s worth noting that some parents opt for off-branded Crocs, or Crock-offs. These shoes are fine too, as long as they have the same characteristics listed here, Reid said.

Of course, Crocs are not athletic shoes. So don’t send Junior to soccer practice wearing his slipons, but they’re much better than flip-flops and other flat-bottomed, stiff-soled summer shoes. In fact, the shoemaker even sells a medical version of Crocs that features a deeper heel cup and other custom features, Reid said.

With that in mind, the boys and I drove 100 miles to our nearest outlet mall. There’s a Crocs store there. The walls are lined with Crocs in more colors than you will find at Sherwin Williams. Bubba picked out a pair of royal blue Crocs. Peter opted for bright red. If you are going to wear ugly shoes, might as well flaunt it.

Howard Ludwig is a former business writer who traded in his reporter’s notebook for a diaper bag, becoming a stay-at-home dad. He can be reached at hludwig@thefatherlife.com.

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Are children of a divorced couple really doomed? We debunk myths about divorce.

By: Deborah Moskovitch

While shopping one day with a friend, we can across a top we both loved – one size fits all. Could we both wear thesame top and look fabulous? It sort of fit us both, but it didn’t look quite right on either of us.

For most things in life, one size doesn’t really fit all. Divorce is the same.

Divorce myth #1: Divorce is the end of a happy life. Divorce is certainly an end, but it can also be a beginning to a new and fulfilling life (http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/5-steps-to-post-divorce-happiness/a/1638). It is possible to build a better life post-divorce than the one you had before. Figure out what it is that you want out of life, and what you need to do to get there.

Divorce myth #2: Divorce is bad for everyone involved. For many, divorce is a difficult experience. But there are those who are relieved that the marriage is over, and who relish the opportunity to start over. It does require strength and confidence. But if you were in relationship that was destructive to you for a variety of reasons, then good for you: You can face life head on and take control of your future.

Divorce myth #3: Children of divorce are doomed to a life of trouble. Research indicates that children are resilient. It’s the ways that their parents handle their divorce that affects the way that their children deal with divorce. It is possible for children to develop happy and emotionally balanced lives. It’s the way their parents manage divorce (http://www.more.ca/relationships/married-life/from-dam-to-glam-dating-after-divorce/a/1800 ) that determines how positive the outcome is.

Divorce myth #4: Communication becomes better once you leave your spouse. Many people think that things will improve between former spouses once the divorce is final, especially if they have children. If you had trouble communicating during the marriage, chances are high that you will continue to have trouble communicating. If you couldn’t change him when you were married, you are not going to change him now. Accept that the only thing you have control over changing is yourself. Linda Popielarczyk  (http://www.connectionschildandfamily.com/), a registered Social Worker in Toronto, sees many separating and divorcing clients in her private practice. She notes that those with children are sometimes surprised to realize that that divorce does not end the relationship. “It is never really over for divorcing parents..rather, their challenge is to redefine their relationship to create a stable parenting partnership, despite their difficulties as partners in marriage.”

Popielarczyk sometimes finds parents will continue to argue with each other and complain about the same issues following separation as during their marriage. In these cases, they can be surprised to realize that they remain connected through these disagreements; and that they are not likely to change their former partners in separation, when they were unable to do so in marriage.

Divorce myth #5: The grass is greener on the other side. Often times people think that the problems behind their own unhappiness are somehow because of the marriage, and divorce will make the discontent go away, and all of a sudden sex and life will miraculously get better. There is a lot of self-work that needs to be done in order to find your own self happiness; another person can’t do that for you.

Examine your experience of marriage, not just what wasn’t good, but was great and what worked. Take some responsibility for your contribution, good and bad. Use this learning to point you in the direction of where you want to go, what you want to pursue and what you need in future relationships. Be introspective, and ensure you don’t get trapped into falling into relationship patterns that didn’t work previously.

Popielarczyk finds that divorce often represents a significant loss for adults, even when children are not involved. The longer the marriage, the greater the likelihood that ‘the relationship’ forms a significant part of one’s identity.

“People need to process what the separation means to them on an emotional level; to consider the marriage/relationship in terms of what was good, what was not so good, and how they may have contributed; and, who they are and want to become, as individuals, separate from the relationship.” It does one good to become conscious of lessons learned from the old relationship, or else risk a replay of the dynamics in subsequent relationships.

This article is original More.ca content.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit thesmartdivorce.com (http://www.thesmartdivorce.com/)

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse? If so, what secrets are okay and which are not? I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy.

An example of a good “white lie” is the ubiquitous situation in which a wife asks her husband, “Am I looking fat?” or “How do I look in this dress?” We men know there’s only one answer, really: “You look great, Honey,” or some version of that.

Yes, that is funny, but many life situations are not. Blended families pose their own unique challenges, especially when both partners bring children to that blend. Children naturally feel closer to their biological parent.

Sometimes a biological child in a blended family will want to tell his or her mother or father something without it being revealed to their stepparent. I think this is an example of when keeping a secret may be okay.

I posed this general question about keeping secrets on my Facebook page and here are a sample of the considerable number of responses:

It depends on the secret, but in general I believe that spouses should not keep secrets; this is your soul mate and best friend…

“Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.” Proverbs 11:13

Before analyzing the secrets we keep from others, it all begins with the secrets we keep from ourselves.

Lies are usually born of pride and/or fear and there should be no pride or fear in love…

Oh and as far as blended families…bio has the first allegiance I feel…unless the kids were raised as infants or toddlers. Not many steps agree with this, but blood carries weight.

Spouses shouldn’t keep secrets, however, we are all “flawed” humans, and that is where the shades of gray come in.

As women, we just need to vent sometimes and I have realized that occasionally–just depends on what it is–that it actually frustrates him because men are “fixers” and we don’t always want to fix the problem, we just need to share it – get it off our chest.

I divide lies into white lies and black lies. White lies are for the protection of others (like focusing on positive aspects, praise, reassurance) while black lies protect me from all the awful things I’ve done (like I was unfaithful) and i should just fess up and take the punishment.

It’s clear that this issue is incendiary and provokes strong feelings and reactions from both men and women. I expect to get blasted for this next generality, but I believe women want “no secrets” withheld, more than men do. My unscientific “A Dad’s Point-of-View” gender-poll at the gym got instant responses from the women that no secrets should be withheld, while the men were more reflective or replied, “it depends.”

When I delved into it further with the women, they too would say that they needed to think about it some more. The example of blended families and children feeling more comfortable opening up to their biological parent and asking that it be kept from their step-parent, usually got an “I’ll have to think about that” from these moms.

When secrets are mentioned, the first thing most people think of is infidelity, which I will also assert may not always be a black and white issue. Again, most women said they wanted to know, while most men were less sure and thought it may depend on circumstances.

Rather than delve into what might be an acceptable circumstance to keep an indiscretion a secret, I will leave that for you to ponder. Just by using the word “indiscretion,” I know I’m implying there may be situations where it may be better to keep it a secret.

Okay, I can’t fully resist so I’ll share a hypothetical example. Which would you prefer? For your spouse to have a weekly, intimate, lunch with a co-worker and share their deepest feelings and thoughts (that him or her was not sharing with you) or for your spouse to have a one-night sexual liaison while away on business?

What if the spouse now reveals this secret, this incident? And, what if the partner just wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive the cheating incident? A divorce may follow. Untold pain and financial burdens accompany that process. And the children are now split from a whole family. Was it worth the truth in that case?

Finally, what about things that happened before we were married? Are we obligated to reveal any and every shameful incident from our past? What good would it do? Is it relevant? For instance, any health-related past that might affect our partner or our children I believe should and must be disclosed. But, does everything we may have done and possibly regretted really have to be told?

By now, it’s clear that my position is a nuanced one. I also skirted any and all religious values and approached these situations in a truly secular manner. In no way do I want to imply that such religious values are invalid and, frankly, I believe a religious foundation more often serves all of us best. Honesty is usually the best policy, but life is complicated and sometimes, maybe it’s best to keep some things secret.

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Teen energy, angst, and anger manifest itself in so many ways. Every day it seems that we read about some teen that has done something unusually self-destructive, and occasionally destructive to others.

Columbine was an extreme example of this. Many so-called “normal” teens tend to use or abuse the ol’ standbys of drinking, drugs, and sex to handle these emotions and changes.

For my own 16-year-old, his reaction has been mostly anger. The irony is that I’ve found this to be both good and bad.

How hormones affect the average teen have been studied and documented, but no one really knows definitively their effect since each teen reacts in different ways. The same is true for most women’s experience with menopause, as my wife has suffered horribly while for her mother it was a blip on the screen of her mid-life.

Will has done a little of the aforementioned “standbys” stated above, to some degree. But he’s done nothing extraordinary, over-the-top, or that different from all teens with the possible exception of his recent angry moods.

When I say moods, I mean moods. Let’s try a few descriptive words: sullen, quiet, loud, belligerent, intransigent, stubborn, willful, explosive. His impulsive behavior got him in a mess of trouble when he posted a mean-spirited comment on Facebook. The backlash, as it instantaneously circulated among all his friends and peers, was stunning. It nearly de-railed Will’s wonderful eight-month relationship with his girlfriend, as all her friends got involved, taking sides, and giving his minor comment a true life of its own.

At first, Will just got angrier and angrier before we really talked it out and I got him to post an apology. Sadly, the others that were now involved wouldn’t let it go, but this isn’t the point of this column.

The point is how do teen boys channel their energy, their out-of-control hormones, and anger? For many, sports are the outlet. Banging each other on the football field till exhaustion probably can moderate any teen’s angry mood.

Will never cared for sports, but he did like and then love rock ‘n’ roll. It began with his getting an inexpensive electric guitar as a graduation present from Elementary School. He evolved into an accomplished musician, as he now plays guitar, bass, and drums, and he sings. Along the way, I supported him by taking him to concerts by legendary performers like Bruce Springsteen and Eric Clapton as well as some of his contemporary bands such as Green Day, Incubus, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, to name just a few.

Joining a local School-of-Rock type of school where kids get put into bands and perform at local venues, gave him his first taste of performing. In his tween years, at which time he just played guitar, he developed a charismatic presence on stage. Or, as I tend to believe, it just came natural to him.

But, with the onset of puberty and all its attendant hormonal changes, this outlet proved even more vital and cathartic for him. Less than a year ago, he took up the drums. We jokingly say that the video game “Rock Band” taught him the basics, as he almost instantly was a pro. This proved to be the ultimate release for his pent-up anger and emotion, as he’d go and bang on the drums until there was a puddle of sweat accumulated on the garage floor.

His first performance on the drums coincided with his 15th birthday. He had been playing for maybe four months. Now, the inherent charisma he’d shown playing guitar, turned into something deeper and more intoxicating. At this show, the energy and magnetism he displayed clearly took the center of attention completely away from the singer, in this case a teen girl.

Undeterred, she responded with amazing calm and, cool as can be, integrated Will’s energy into her performance. Rather than fight what he was bringing, she interacted with him in an unrehearsed manner as she’d jump on the drums platform and sing to him. Yes, they had rehearsed, but Will doesn’t come out and show his stuff until he’s on stage, so she had no idea of what was to come.

That show was terrific and an eye-opener. He’s now grown into a wildly exciting drummer, guitarist, and more recently a singer. Suffering from a cold and recovering from a broken arm, he did vocals in a Rage Against The Machine tribute concert. In his 10-minute exhibition, he left the audience and himself exhausted from the power of his vocals and showmanship. In fact, halfway through it, during an instrumental interlude, he sat on his haunches and just tried to recover his breath.

This story is really not about my son, but rather about the need for our teen boys, and maybe our girls too, to have that outlet–that passion that will keep their wild puberty in check. Our job as parents is to help our children find their passion and nurture it as best as we can. In my case, I just need earplugs.

Postscript: My son, through his own initiative, made his rock ‘n’ roll dream come true when he got to jam, on stage, with Chris Cornell at The Roxy Theatre in Hollywood May 3, 2010 (to read about it, go to: http://bit.ly/RnRonWS).

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

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By  Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

My single mother collected bottles on Miami Beach for money. I know because she told me.

I was on Google Earth recently to learn more about that “beach-bottle” time. I had a frayed document with the Miami address. After I punched it in, I was beamed down to float right above our Miami apartment.

I hovered over the laneway that my mother had to have walked down to find her bottles. I stared at a great swath of sand at the end of the laneway, sharing the pain, shame and poverty that my mother must have felt.

We eventually fled back to Montreal, where we first lived in one room with my grandparents on the Esplanade and then finally to our own flat in Outremont, where I played in the mud and gravel behind the building.

When I was 5 years old, I told my mother, “I want a daddy” and a year later I was sitting on Gunther Ehrlich’s lap.

She asked, “How would you like Gunther to be your father?” Without hesitation, I said, “Yes.” When I found out we shared the same birthday, Dec. 6, the deal was spiritually sealed.

Until meeting him I had never fished, seen stars in the sky, walked in the woods or visited a zoo.

Gunther Ehrlich took me everywhere and introduced me to a new and beautiful world that I explored with unbridled joy.
He provided us with a real home, a life defined by cottages, lakes, hiking and fishing.

When we were not at the cottage, he took us on road trips to Vermont, Maine or the Adirondacks.
He taught me that travel is a great form of education and that the road less travelled is the best one, the place where one finds the greatest treasures.

For the first time I saw that men, too, can love and nurture and I was at last in the company of a man who “wanted” to be my father.

When my father said, “Here are the car keys,” he gave me wings, allowing me to experience the joy of independence.

My mother died at 49 when I was 17 years old. I still needed him and he was always there for me. Without him I would have fallen through the cracks of society.

I now know the degree of love and commitment it took for this “magic-man” to walk into my life and take on the mantle of father.

Who is a man who “wants” to father someone else’s children? He’s someone who:

• Sees past the notion that the only children worth loving are those created by his sperm and that anything else is less sacred.

• Finds joy in giving to children because the torch he wants to pass on isn’t defined by his last name, but rather the quality of love he feels a natural desire to impart.

• Understands that love is an activity, that there’s a reason children dance even when standing still. Children need to be active, have their heads stuck in everything good and beautiful. He makes this happen.

• Sees life as a process and wouldn’t deem a failed marriage a mistake. He gives a single Mom every opportunity to start anew and revels in the glow she radiates as she sheds the parched skin of a painful past.

He’s a man who saves lives. He’s also my father.

Thank you, Dad. I’ll pass it on to your grandson.

Feel free to contact him via his website – www.geronimocode.com or directly via peter@geronimocode.com

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By Peter Ehrlich

Have you brought home two or three love interests to seriously meet and hang out with your child?

If “yes,” read on, because your child’s developmental well-being will likely start to be compromised after they meet your next.

A study out of Johns Hopkins University has shown “that a child who had experienced more than three transitions had more behavioural problems than those who had no transitions.”

The research, funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, was published in the April 2007 issue of American Sociological Review and was peer-reviewed. In it, 2,097 children ages 5 to 14 had been studied since birth until 2000.

Behavioural problems mean delinquent behaviour, including skipping school, vandalism and crime.

The authors also observed that “children who experienced multiple transitions in family structure have lower average scores on tests of mathematics and reading skills.”

That’s a heavy price for children to pay for their parent’s libido.

Think of the transitions our children have gone through just to get to today. First, your children (hopefully) got to experience the “happy family period.” Then they perceived that their parents were falling out of love. That hurt.

Then they couldn’t understand why their parents were less patient with them. Finally, “why is Daddy (or Mommy) moving away?”

Many times I have encouraged you (and myself) to go out and meet someone. But life’s passion-swords are double-edged; its orgasms, sexual or not, carry a price.

The price of multiple transitions is heavy – a dysfunctional child who will become a dysfunctional adult, marooned on an island surrounded by stable people.

Most single parents know it’s unhealthy for children to have unnecessary transitions, but not all.

There are still stories of parents bringing their kids on first dates. Unforgiveable. That’s extreme, but over the course of a dozen years, it’s easy to meet three people who will affect your children.

Life is fragile.

It doesn’t take much to upset the balance – a wrong word, moment of infidelity or violence. We can easily create a situation that will result in a “forever haunting.”

When we choose to bring a new person into the lives of our children, we risk the tipping of that delicate balance our children desperately need – defined by consistency and peace.

Why do children hide behind your legs when strangers approach? It’s because they’re children and strangers are strange by definition.

To go from hiding behind your leg, to meeting your new friend, to feeling comfortable, reveling in the company of, to never seeing again is an arduous journey and children rely on us to take them there with discretion.

When “we” break up with someone, “they” break up with someone. That combined with the back and forth, the lugging of their “stuff” is a helluva lot to ask.

The single parent genie grants us three (transitional) wishes. After that, we bite the bullet and revel in our celibacy until our children can create their own transitions.

Then we’re free to make all the mistakes we still need to make on our karmic wheel.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com

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By Peter Ehrlich

I remember the first time I heard Neil Young sing Only Love Can Break Your Heart, I was in my early twenties. And I remember what I thought about the song. “Nice little jingle, but I should get back to Keith Richards banging out his signature dirty riffs to All Down the Line.

At that time I really never experienced the broken heart thing. Sure I had my breakups with my “girlfriends”, but being so young, I easily subscribed to the Buddhist notion that attachment is the cause of all unhappiness.

I suppose that when you’re so young that you can’t even begin to get a whiff of your own mortality, how much can a break-up mean? After all, you’re going to live forever.

That’s changed, because to quote Frank, “and now the end is near”. Well, the end isn’t exactly near, but it is.

I had my heart broken recently. You all know that. I told you about my animated discussions with my carpet mites, face flat against the floor. I did however leave out other details pertaining to that episode.

• When I did the laundry, after I put the clothes in, I would stare through the plastic top and watch the water rain down, the tub fill up. I found it comforting oddly enough.

• When I took the lint out of the dryer, I held it tightly for a moment before I trashed it. I found it comforting oddly enough.

• The other day I sat in a chair for half an hour and watched a spider crawl up the wall, wishing I could have such a simple life, the same feeling I get when I watch a cat, Zen masters unto themselves, do nothing, which is 99% of the time.

• When I went out, I purposely put on my heavy leather duster coat, just to feel its heavy weight on my shoulders, much the way Robert DeNiro lugged his net of metal objects up the mountain in the movie The Mission, as a way of atoning for the sin of killing his brother.

Breakups are all about penance and redemption, unless you’re the kind of asshole who believes it’s always the other person’s fault.

But I digress. Now I listen to Only Love Can Break Your Heart and understand exactly what that means.

Can the death of a loved one break your heart? No, I don’t think so. It can certainly kill part of you off, in that you’re changed forever by the loss, but it doesn’t break your heart.

(I remember when my mother died, I was seventeen, and I spent hours at a time listening to John Lennon sing “nothing’s gonna change my world”. (Across the Universe) And I knew exactly why I listened to that song, that many times, at that time; Twas because I knew that part of me died alongside my mother and that nothing was going to change that for the rest of my life. Part of my heart died on the day she died, but it didn’t break it.)

Now, let’s go on to the next part of the song, the line that comes after “only love can break your heart”. Here’s the crux of the song, the main theme, the big lesson for all of us, but the hardest lesson of them all; “try to be sure right from the start”.

This is where most of us screw up, because you know what I say. If you mix your genitalia together four times, you’re in a relationship my friend.

And you know what being in a relationship means my friend, it means this: “I am giving you permission to hurt me”. Or put another way, I am giving you permission to break my heart.

How hard is it to apply the lesson – try to be sure right from the start? It’s bloody difficult. It goes against all our primordial selves are programmed to do, have sex and go to heaven.

I’ve never seen heaven. I’ve only felt it.

You’re in your late thirties, or forties or fifties and you haven’t had a hand caress you in months or years. And someone walks through your door who looks just fabulous to you. They look great, smell great and the date(s) was/were great.

And yet, through all that greatness you know it likely can’t work and your gut is telling you why and you know your gut is right, as always. But instead of listening to the little man or women inside of us, what do we do? We turn them off, shut them down and proceed down the shadow of the valley of heartbreak death, all for the sake of serving our short-term needs.

Ok, now would you like to ask me how to walk away from temptations of the flesh in order to spare ourselves of a painful, “watch the spider” heartbreak?

I have no idea! Well, I do, as this column proves, but I’m way too pathetic. I think it’s my Venus in Scorpio thing that undermines all that I do.

I bumped into a stunningly beautiful, brilliant Greek Goddess recently who knew exactly what to do, how to put credence into the “try to be sure right from the start” thing. She left.

After a wonderful night of talking, eating, slow dancing to Frank Sinatra, she got up and left with these words: “I want to sleep with you but I don’t think it can work. You’ll never move to Burlington and I’ll never move to Toronto”.

Is a man even capable of saying “I want to sleep with you but it can’t work”?

I know we can say no, but I’m not sure we’re evolved enough to say why.

As she walked out the door, Frank was singing “Five minutes more”, which ends with him saying these words – “oh come on” with a sigh, which was exactly what I was saying – oh c’mon Angela, with a heavier sigh.

That’s as intelligent as I got. “Oh, come on Angela”. I think my IQ at that moment was 46.

But Angela was a woman who had learned her lessons. What was the point of starting anything if you know it’s only going to break your heart? I had to give her full credit.

And so, when you’re heading out for date four, knowing there’s a 100% chance you’re going to have sex for the fourth time, with someone you know it can’t work with, go to YouTube, find Neil Young’s Only Love Can Break Your Heart, then politely cancel and take a cold shower.

Yeah, right!

If you’d like to contact Peter,feel free to write him at peter@geronimocode.com

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By Peter Ehrlich

I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.

After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex. I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together. How much harder? I am willing to change.

But am I being naïve? Or is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for? Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?

Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values. Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.

Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant. The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home. I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.

Once I understood its meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst. (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)

I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy. (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)

I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”

Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.

And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!

And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter. Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.

But it hasn’t been a simple matter. In fact, it’s been living hell. Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much. Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibres and carpet mites.

Why so f***ed up? My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.

Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.

Horizontal we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless. Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work. We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and travelled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.

But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.

Here’s the conundrum. In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt. For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well. He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.

However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships? Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it. Try harder I say.

So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?

If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.

I haven’t a clue right now. I’m still talking to carpet mites.

How much do I miss sex with the Ex? Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done. I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs. Got a match?”

Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.

“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.” I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.

There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again. These words drifted into my head after I made a half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”

Just because I lie on the carpet floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?

Of course it does.

Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com

to tell him your own haunting story.

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A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

My wife took me to see Nancy Meyers’ new movie, “It’s Complicated,” which stars Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin. She had seen it a day or two before and wanted to see it with me saying, “It would be good for us.” Honestly, I do tend to like what is typically labeled “chick flicks” but don’t like director Nancy Meyers’ perfect world, perfect rich characters, perfect looking people, dressed and coifed just perfectly. But, for the sake of marital harmony, I agreed.

I didn’t expect what followed. Throughout the movie, my wife was jabbing me in the ribs whenever she wanted me to notice a point being made that she felt related to me or us. So, I left with bruised ribs, which ached even more toward the end of the movie during the one, truly hilarious scene. I really enjoyed laughing that hard, in spite of the pained ribs, which I’ve totally exaggerated for sympathy anyway.

Without a doubt, the best thing about the movie is that comic scene near the end. “It’s Complicated” is also that rare movie title that really works and has so many other relevant meanings related to life, marriage, raising kids, and even a facebook status.

There’s a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate. Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them. Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.

There were countless marital clichés in Ms. Meyer’s movie, like how couples “drift apart,” “don’t work hard enough at it” or wind up “living separate lives,” none of which were necessarily exact quotes from the movie though all were spiritually in tune with the script. My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.

This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don’t put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage. Should an affair end a marriage? Well, we’ll address that another time as I have some strong opinions on that subject. In our marriage, we’ve just remained stubborn, set in our ways, and unwilling to change.

That admission notwithstanding, we are equally willing to recognize and own our faults, occasionally admit them out loud, and try and change them. The “try” part is the operative word and mutual challenge. I am very stuck in my habits and patterns. Further, as a couple we’ve become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds. I’ll speak for myself in saying it’s cowardly and I hate when I’m doing it, I’m actually ashamed of myself, but I’m too stubborn to back off. It’s a classic lose-lose, but I’m right in my mind, even when I’m sleeping on the couch.

I know I’m not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men’s group. I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting. To take a phrase from our group, how I “show up” makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can “let it go,” maybe give my wife a hug even when I’m irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.

In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words. He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make? What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it’s childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I’ve hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.

Yes, relationships are complicated. But, it takes two to make them work or fail and I’m grateful that I have a partner who is willing to admit her mistakes as readily as I will admit mine. Where there’s that kind of communication, there’s hope and every chance to have a beautiful, nurturing, relationship. Stay tuned.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

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The Question: I’m about to get married for the second time. How do I ensure that my children and my new wife won’t ever have to duke it out over my estate after I’m gone?

By Bryan Borzykowski

Mapping out a pre-nuptial agreement is never particularly romantic. But it can be especially tricky when children from previous relationships are involved.

Winnipeg-based engineer John Lang found this out the hard way. When Lang (not his real name) married his second wife 22 years ago, he wanted to guarantee that his sizable estate would be fairly divvied up among his new wife and his three children upon his death, so he drew up a pre-nup in which he distributed assets of comparable value among them. Easy enough.

Except in the two decades since, Lang’s net worth has grown significantly, and some of his assets appreciated much faster than others. If he died today, his wife would inherit significantly more than his kids. Lang now finds himself in the unenviable position of having to revise the agreement.

The dilemma of how to protect everyone in a blended family situation is an increasingly common one.

Typically, unless special arrangements have been made, the assets accumulated during any marriage are divided equally in the event of a divorce. When one spouse dies, the general rule is that the entire estate rolls over to the surviving spouse.

Problems tend to arise, however, when there is friction between the children of the deceased and the remaining step-parent.

Experts say the key to avoiding future family brawls is clear premarital communication. Sit down with your partner and open the books. “It’s the step most people skip over,” says Frank Wiginton, a CFP with Toronto’s TriDelta Financial. “Find out where each other is at financially, and work toward a common understanding.”

In most cases, that understanding should include two words: pre-nuptial agreement. Even if you’re not wealthy.

Considering that 60% of second marriages end in divorce, a pre-nup is the best way to protect your kids’ inheritance. It should detail not only who gets which assets, says Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce, but also how family heirlooms will be distributed. “Keep the china set or grand piano in the family,” she says. “That gives children a sense of comfort.”

If not done correctly, splitting up even simple assets can create major headaches. For instance, be sure to divide your estate using percentages, not dollar amounts. Lawyers often ignore inflation, says Jim Stoffman, a lawyer with Winnipeg’s Taylor McCaffrey.

Say, for example, a 40-year-old parent gifts their child $100,000. “If they live another 50 years, that’s like giving the kid $10,000.” Instead, he says, “look at stocks, bonds, RSPs, value of cars and homes, and divide proportionally.”

In addition to specifying who gets what, Stoffman asks clients to develop plans for four scenarios: one for short-term, medium-term, and long-term marriage, and one for death.

The short-term scenario, which pertains to a marriage of five years or less, is the easiest one to work out: just keep the status quo. As the anniversaries pile up, Stoffman says, relationships inevitably get more complicated. “One can rarely plan beyond three to five years,” he says. “But you can try.”

One good option is a testamentary trust. When a spouse dies, everything in the trust real estate, bank accounts, portfolios technically goes to the children, but they are prohibited from accessing it until the step-parent dies. So while the kids own the home, the surviving spouse can reside in it indefinitely and live off accrued interest from the investments.

Another way to avoid common pitfalls is to ensure you and your spouse are clear about who owns what. Don’t jointly register assets. Make sure you know whose name is on the house and the RRSP, for example, and who has full control over the investment accounts. If you can’t answer these questions, you can bet a lot of your estate holdings will be eaten up in legal fees.

Lang didn’t follow the rules, which is why he’s sweating. His wife and kids get along now, but who knows what will happen in the future? “I don’t want my children to feel cheated,” he says.

Sounds like it’s time to call the lawyer

Article Courtesy of  Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce

Originally published  in  Canadian Business Magazine

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