Single Dad Life » Mind & Body

Marriage – It’s Complicated

admin — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:39:58 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

My wife took me to see Nancy Meyers’ new movie, “It’s Complicated,” which stars Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin. She had seen it a day or two before and wanted to see it with me saying, “It would be good for us.” Honestly, I do tend to like what is typically labeled “chick flicks” but don’t like director Nancy Meyers’ perfect world, perfect rich characters, perfect looking people, dressed and coifed just perfectly. But, for the sake of marital harmony, I agreed.

I didn’t expect what followed. Throughout the movie, my wife was jabbing me in the ribs whenever she wanted me to notice a point being made that she felt related to me or us. So, I left with bruised ribs, which ached even more toward the end of the movie during the one, truly hilarious scene. I really enjoyed laughing that hard, in spite of the pained ribs, which I’ve totally exaggerated for sympathy anyway.

Without a doubt, the best thing about the movie is that comic scene near the end. “It’s Complicated” is also that rare movie title that really works and has so many other relevant meanings related to life, marriage, raising kids, and even a facebook status.

There’s a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate. Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them. Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.

There were countless marital clichés in Ms. Meyer’s movie, like how couples “drift apart,” “don’t work hard enough at it” or wind up “living separate lives,” none of which were necessarily exact quotes from the movie though all were spiritually in tune with the script. My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.

This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don’t put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage. Should an affair end a marriage? Well, we’ll address that another time as I have some strong opinions on that subject. In our marriage, we’ve just remained stubborn, set in our ways, and unwilling to change.

That admission notwithstanding, we are equally willing to recognize and own our faults, occasionally admit them out loud, and try and change them. The “try” part is the operative word and mutual challenge. I am very stuck in my habits and patterns. Further, as a couple we’ve become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds. I’ll speak for myself in saying it’s cowardly and I hate when I’m doing it, I’m actually ashamed of myself, but I’m too stubborn to back off. It’s a classic lose-lose, but I’m right in my mind, even when I’m sleeping on the couch.

I know I’m not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men’s group. I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting. To take a phrase from our group, how I “show up” makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can “let it go,” maybe give my wife a hug even when I’m irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.

In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words. He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make? What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it’s childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I’ve hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.

Yes, relationships are complicated. But, it takes two to make them work or fail and I’m grateful that I have a partner who is willing to admit her mistakes as readily as I will admit mine. Where there’s that kind of communication, there’s hope and every chance to have a beautiful, nurturing, relationship. Stay tuned.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

New Year’s Resolutions for Stepfamilies

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 04:42:47 +0000

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

The dawn of 2010 is a watershed moment for what we might call the New American Family. This is the year, according to many experts, when stepfamilies will outnumber first families in the U.S. One in three Americans is now a “step” of some sort — stepparent, stepsibling, or stepchild.

There’s now no denying that stepfamilies have our place in mainstream American culture. But there are plenty of struggles too. Many stepfamilies find they don’t get the support and understanding they need from their children’s schools, or from their churches or temples. Stepkids feel loyalty binds — a sense that to love or even like a stepparent is a betrayal of their real mom or dad. And stepparents often feel shut out — by partners who have gotten used to years of parenting solo, and by stepkids who, the research shows, tend to be hostile and rejecting of a stepparent in the initial years of the repartnership — and sometimes for years.

Here are ten simple steps stepfamilies can take to usher in a decade of stepfamily satisfaction:

Resolve to be a couple. Remarriages with children are twice as likely to fail as those without. Stepcouples are assailed by challenges including children who are unenthused about the union, family and friends who don’t get the stress of repartnering with children, and unsupportive exes in the wings. Putting the marriage or partnership first gives the whole family a chance at stability and happiness.
Don’t try to “blend.” Stepfamilies are assailed by unrealistic expectations. The primary one is that they are “supposed” to be just like a first family. When we ask stepfamily members to “blend,” we’re putting them in a jam with regards to the other parent in the picture, as well as their separate histories and family cultures. Stepfamilies can be healthy settings for adults and kids, particularly when we remove the pressure to “be” any particular way.
Bridge the gap. Young adult stepchildren especially, come to a developmental crossroads where they may be able to see a previously demonized stepparent in a new way, or understand their parent’s divorce from another point of view. Spouses can give their spouse who is a stepparent the benefit of the doubt in the New Year: “I married her, and I’m going to trust that when she’s upset, she’s not making a big deal out of nothing.” It is amazing how finding this “middle ground” can soothe and heal old hurts.
Resolve to care for yourself. As I interviewed women for my book Stepmonster, I realized they all fit the new research findings about stepmothers to a T: many were trying so hard to buck the “wicked stepmother” stereotype that they bent over backwards in the wrong direction. Sure, it’s nice to be kind. But never expressing any displeasure with your stepkids, and constantly putting your own needs and feelings last, as stepmothers are usually expected to do, is a recipe for resentment. Self-care is key for women with stepkids. A regular “girls night out” or occasional massage or even just finding time to read a novel are key to preventing stepmaternal burn out.
Resolve to lower the bar. This one’s easy! In general, stepparents will do well to do less — less attempting to blend, less trying to win the kids over, less acting as a family and marital counselor. Stepmothers can take a lesson from stepfathers here: stepfathers generally report lower levels of involvement in the early years of stepfamily formation — and kids report higher levels of satisfaction with stepfathers than with stepmothers. There are lots of factors to consider, but a big one is the ability to step back, and let the relationship develop on its own terms, in its own time.
Learn to fight. That’s right. It’s a skill. And couples with kids from previous relationships are going to need it. Find a “hot topic” communication formula that works for you…and use it. This can include “I sentences” versus accusations (“When you say that I feel . . . ” instead of “You always do X!”), as well as communication formulas found in Stepmonster and other books listed in “resources” below.
Find the right things to do together. Eye-to-eye activities, like sitting down to talk, are always more stressful for steps than are shoulder to shoulder ones. Try doing a puzzle, playing a board game (Scrabble can be a good one if the stepkids are older) or doing arts and crafts together. And understand that unlike first families, stepfamilies bond best one-on-one. All-together activities tend to activate everyone’s fears of being an outsider.
Get out of the house, and invite family and friends in. Stepparents in particular need to balance the sense that they are something of an “outsider” in the household with plenty of time with family and friends who help them feel like an insider. Stepkids of any age will feel less “on the spot” if there isn’t endless attention trained on their every move, and they are part of a living, lively household that gives them a sense of security and belonging.
Resolve not to treat the kids like royalty. Kids of any age who turn up want to feel included and comfortable, and that doesn’t happen when parent and stepparent bend over backwards to accommodate their every whim, or design their days around a step/child’s desires. Making him or her part of what you do normally, plus some alone time with mom or dad, will helps kids feel like family rather than guests.
Find a place. Give a stepchild who doesn’t live with you something that is always the same — if it can’t be a whole closet, then a spot in one, a regular place at the dinner table, and so on. And stepparents, be sure to find a place in the house that is just for you. When stepfamily life gets momentarily tense — which is inevitably will — you will have a place to escape and recharge.

Author Bio
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.
A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Misinformation From the Stepmothering Industry

Barry — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:18:38 +0000

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish.

Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say:

Remember that his kids will always come first.

Leave the disciplining to him.

You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t.

With patience and love, they will come around.

The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right.

For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial (see chapter 6). It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships.

The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them.

Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations.

For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her.

If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.”

“Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging.

As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out.

Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice.

What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority.

I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me.

Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them (see chapter 4). Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what?

The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd.

It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? – expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is.

Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far.

You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t.

We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk.

The above is an excerpt from the book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Selling Ourselves Short

admin — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:45:54 +0000

By: Ben Murphy

There’s an old adage that “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” The problem with most of us is that we make great plans, we just have trouble carrying them out. The truth of the matter is that we can only achieve what we attempt. Most of us sell ourselves short because we plan well, but never get around to the attempting.

I write about this topic because we can only be at our fullest when we pursue all we know we are capable of. It’s a little thing called ‘fulfillment.’ But a lot of people I talk to seem awfully unfulfilled, living in a world of “if only.” They love their family, but their job devours all their time. They shuttle their kids to endless activities, but never spend quality time with them. Their lives keep coming back to, “if only I’d started that business when the idea was fresh,” or, “if only I’d followed-through and finished my degree.”

I deeply believe that our main obligation in life is to do the best we can with what we’ve been given. It’s a high ideal, but its comes from observing other successful folks through the years. The folks I know who are getting what they want out of life are the ones who haven’t sold themselves short on their ideas and their dreams. They’ve taken small but steady steps in a concerted direction and made it happen. They benefit, their families benefit, and the community around them benefits too.

What’s your “if only?” Where are you selling yourself short? For some of us it’s in our work. For some it’s our health. No one else is going to solve that dilemma for you and all the planning in the world isn’t going to make your dreams come true. So, how do you get from here to there? Here are two small but powerful lessons I’ve learned about from others that have impacted my life. I hope they’re of as much use to you as they have been to me.

FAILURE OF SUCCESS: I have a good friend who, until a couple years ago, was in a boring IT job that paid the bills, but he wasn’t very happy. He’d always been interested in photography, so he bought himself a camera and shot a few friends’ weddings. Turns out he was pretty good at it. Sure enough word spread and he was getting more requests, so he started charging. And he kept getting requests. He now shoots weddings full-time. He has a very healthy income, has flexibility to be with his family, and is now flown out to shoot weddings in places like the Hamptons… all because he decided to start doing something he’d always wished he’d done. The reason I say this is because one of the things he shared with me about making the transition is that he realized he’d always been afraid of success. For a lot of us who have a pretty good life, why rock the boat? While the idea of unbridled success is great, at the risk of losing our current standard-of-living, most folks don’t take that step. It’s strange to think that we’re afraid of success, but most of us are.

THE LONG GAME: one of the most profound truths in life is that we typically overestimate what we can achieve over a short period of time, and we severely underestimate what we can achieve over a long period of time. When we have a dream, it often seems overwhelming to imagine accomplishing it in a month or a year. But what about two years? Three years? That amount of time flies by surprisingly quickly in our busy lives and even an hour each week devoted to one thing can steadily move a dream along. You sneak in :20 here and :30 there. Pretty soon you’ve spent an hour or two each week and you see progress. Progress breeds enthusiasm. And once that enthusiasm takes hold, it’s awfully hard to slow down!

If you feel like you’re not getting all you’d like out of life, do some reflection. Where are you selling yourself short?

Ben Murphy is the Founder of TheFatherLife.com, the men’s magazine for dads.

He lives in New York State with his wife and three daughters.

My Son Has the Swine Flu – A Daily Journal

admin — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:42:54 +0000

A Dad’s Point Of View

By Bruce Sallan

We just went through the swine flu with our older son, Will. We didn’t panic or allow the hysteria of the msm (mainstream media) to scare us. His first reaction was simply, “Darn, I’m going to miss Halloween.” I believe our media have become hysteria mongers, as well as all too often focusing on their agenda vs. objective reporting. They devote way too much time to subjects unworthy of so much coverage, such as the balloon boy or the tragic deaths of celebrities.

With the swine flu, we’ve been deluged with scare reports from the media, ignoring the fact that each year tens of thousands of Americans die of the regular flu. As with AIDS, the panic is over-wrought and generalized to scare everyone when the reality is there are more at-risk groups for just about every such illness.

Day One -Will is sent home from school as the nurse called to say he had a mild fever. We put him to bed, took his temp, and called our pediatrician. He had a 101 fever, a slight cough, but otherwise seemed fine. The pediatrician’s office said to give him Motrin, fluids, and see if he still had a temperature tomorrow and, if so, to bring him in. Later that evening, his temp was just 100 and he was feeling pretty good.

Day Two - Will woke up feeling fine and actually wanted to go to school. We thought better and kept him home and in bed. Later, when his temp was still over 100, we took him to the doctor. 20 minutes after they took a swab, we got the diagnosis – he had the swine flu. They prescribed a Z-pac (5-day dose of antibiotics) and TamiFlu. By now, he was complaining of some aches and pains and a general soreness throughout his body. He also was complaining about missing Halloween. My wife told him that we were going to have to cancel the party she’d been planning for weeks because of his infection and he actually quieted down and realized he wasn’t the only one affected. A pretty amazing realization for a teenager!

Day Three – He’s sleeping in late, so we haven’t taken his temp yet. Was playing his guitar when I went in to check and it was normal. When I asked him how he was feeling, he replied with total teen contempt, “I feel fine,” which really meant, “I’m fine, why do I have to stay in my room, why can’t I go out and enjoy Halloween.”

Day Four – This morning Will apologized for being moody and grumpy. He doesn’t understand why he has to still stay home when he’s now feeling fine, just four days after getting sick and three days into his 5-day course of meds. I told him, per his doctor, that after the five days of meds, if he goes another 24 hours with a normal temp, then he can return to school. The funny part is he’s so bored; he actually wants to go to school. His temp is still normal.

Resignation has set in. He knows he’s not going to talk his way out of his room and back to school. It’s sort of like the stages of grieving, according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. My son was in denial, then anger, and now is in “acceptance.”

Day Five – Last night, Will got a surprise visit from his girlfriend, her step-dad, and another friend. They talked to him from outside his room, through the window, for a few minutes. It was both a boost and a reminder of his “in prison” status.

One amazing thing has happened with his forced lock-down time. He’s actually reflected on plans for the future. A teenager reflecting on anything? As he’s always loved music, demonstrated real talent, as well as developing a lot of knowledge, he’s decided he wants to go to a music school and learn production. While he still wants to be a “rock star,” this sort of mature alternative planning is quite the anomaly for him.

Today, his temperature is still normal. His energy is high. If this is the worse the swine flu throws us, I’ll consider this family extremely lucky. This afternoon, he even went out to the garage and played drums for a while.

Tomorrow is his last day of meds. If he’s got a normal temp for another 24 hours, it’s back to school for him and this episode will have been easier than a lingering cough or cold. Amazing. And, as yet, no one else in the house has got it, though one of our dogs came up lame for a while (she’s veeerrrrryyyyy old).

A friend of his just got diagnosed with swine flu and they thought they could hang out together as they’re both already infected. Are they nuts? Nope, just teenagers.

Day Six - The drama awaits us of whether or not he’ll have a temp today. He finished his course of meds and today will determine if he can finally leave his confinement. He was all ready for school when I came in to take his temperature. I sat with him, patiently waiting for the results. Normal. Off to school.

So, what did we learn from our bout with the swine flu? Simply, don’t listen to our Vice President, don’t listen to our media, and DON’T worry about it if you’re the average person. Yes, if you’re in one of the risk categories, be extra careful. Also (and we did this constantly and no one else has so far contracted it) have hand sanitizer everywhere in the house. You can’t overdo it.

Finally, and I’m dead serious, if you have a child that is stuck home with the swine flu and ends up like my son, with negligible symptoms, your biggest problem will be boredom. Help him or her out with books, CDs, DVDs, etc. If they don’t have a computer or TV in their room, move one in just for the duration.

And, most of all, don’t panic. the end

Editor’s note: Bruce Sallan is not a doctor and this column is not intended to be giving medical advice. It is about his experience with his son and the swine flu, and his belief that the media may have exaggerated and scared the public about its risks. Regardless, you should take every precaution, consult your doctor if there are any symptoms, and to secure proper information, go to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) web-sites – http://cdc.gov/h1n1flu/sick.htm.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

For the Sake of the Children – Cooperative CO-Parenting During and After Divorce

admin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:13:50 +0000

By Pam Leo

“More than one million children are affected by divorce each year.
- Kids First Fact Sheet

In 20 years of being a family child care provider and 12 years of conducting parenting workshops I have seen parents struggle with and children suffer from uncooperative CO-parenting.

Years ago when couples found themselves in an unhappy, even unhealthy marriage they usually remained married “for the sake of the children.” Today unworkable marriages dissolve in divorce.

At first a divorce usually meant Dad moved out. The kids lived with Mom and visited Dad every other weekend. Now joint custody is often awarded to parents when both parents desire to raise the children. Depending on the maturity of both parents involved, joint custody can mean, at best, both Mom and Dad sharing the nurturing of their mutual children. At worst, it can mean two parents dividing time with their children 50/50 as if children were marital property with each parent fighting to make sure they each get and do exactly their share.

There are as many different divorce situations as there are couples who divorce. There are situations where only one of the parents wants to be or is capable of being the custodial parent. There are situations where even when custody is not in conflict there are conflicts over child support and visitation. There are even situations where parents divorce amicably and are able to communicate and collaborate in matters concerning their children even though they no longer wish to be a couple. However, there are many divorces in which there is a bitter battle for custody, with each parent trying to prove to the court that the other is unfit to raise the children.

When the legal resolution to these battles is joint physical custody the battles often don’t end in the courtroom. In these battles there are no victors; there are only victims. While a 50/50 time share may seem to be what is fair to the parents, it is often not what is fair or nurturing to the children, especially very young children. In those early years children need security and roots. Transitions are most difficult for toddlers and pre-schoolers. Being constantly in transition between Mom’s house, day care and Dad’s house is a stress that takes its toll on young children. Imagine putting a seedling into the ground and then moving it to a different spot in the garden every couple days. It might survive but it’s unlikely to thrive. For older children the constant back and forth between Mom’s and Dad’s can also be tough. They either have to have two of everything or be constantly packing and unpacking between houses. When they want to make plans to do things they practically have to carry a calendar with them so they know where they are scheduled to be when. How much more considerate and compassionate might parents be if they had to be the ones whose lives were constantly fractured by moving themselves and their belongings back and forth between two residences?

Children need a mother’s nurturing and a father’s nurturing. Children love, need, and want to be with both parents. Often parents are unaware of how deeply their behavior affects their children emotionally. Whenever parents criticize and talk negatively to their children about their other parent it puts children in an emotional “catch 22.” They don’t want to contradict or argue with that parent but it hurts them to hear bad things about someone they love and they may feel guilty if they don’t defend the other one.

In her book In Praise of Single Parents, Shoshana Alexander quotes 12-year-old Danielle, “My parents told me stories about each other…I felt like I was part of both (of them), but instead of being part of two good things, I was part of two bad things. So I always felt I must be something bad, because that’s what my parents were.”

Not criticizing the other parent does not mean that we should paint an unrealistic rosy picture of the other parent or that we shouldn’t be truthful about our feelings. It means we stick to the facts and leave out our judgments. Children see that their parents are human beings who have different strengths and struggles. Children learn that each of their parents have qualities they love, as well as qualities that are hard to love. Children need to love their parents as much as they need to be loved by their parents.

When parents want to avoid confrontations with the other parent they sometimes use their children as messengers to communicate information concerning finances or plans they want to make or change in scheduling. Children hate to be put in that position. It is not the children’s responsibility to be messengers or mediators for their parents.

When sharing physical custody of children, the question that must be constantly being answered is not who is best for the child, but what is needed by this child at this particular time. Children need different things at different times. Parents have different things to offer at different times, both because of their strengths and because of their circumstances. Even children who live with both parents go through stages and phases of needed or wanting one parent more than the other at different times. If parents have joint physical custody of three children all at different stages of development, an iron clad schedule, of who has the children when, does not allow for the needs of the individual children. If two-year-old Betsy doesn’t want to go to Dad’s today it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love Dad. It means today she needs Mom. If it is ten-year-old Tommy’s weekend to be with Mom, but Dad was given last minute tickets to a hockey game, it’s hurtful for him to have to choose between feeling like he’ll hurt Mom’s feelings and wanting to go with his Dad.

It’s not the child’s responsibility to make sure each parent gets 50% of their time. It is the parent’s responsibility to contribute at least 50% of the love, time, and work it takes to raise the children. Children have more than enough needs for two parents to share. If we have committed to meeting at least 50% of our children’s needs, we will get ample opportunity to do that over 18 years. Being with each parent exactly 50% of each week may not be what each child needs that week, or what each parent has to give that week. It may be 20% this week and 80% next week. It may be 30% this year and 70% next year depending on the child’s needs and the parent’s circumstances. When both parents are 100% committed to cooperating to meet the needs of the children everyone can get more of what they need.

The keys to cooperative CO-parenting are communication and commitment. Although the commitment to love and nurture each other has ended, the commitment to love and nurture their children must continue. However much as an ex-couple may disagree about other things, the one think they still have in common is that they love the same children and want life to be as good for them as possible. With that as a foundation they can learn to build a new relationship as CO-parents. Nurturing CO-parenting is the collaboration of two adults who are more committed to cooperating to meet the needs of their children than to competing to have their own needs met by the children. Children have enough love for both parents.

Even when parents have the maturity and commitment to put their children’s needs ahead of their own anger and hurts, learning to communicate and cooperate during and after divorce is not easy. Fortunately there are now resources to support parents in this process.

Divorce may rearrange families but it doesn’t have to permanently damage children. We can significantly reduce the negative effects of divorce by using available resources to learn as much as we can about children’s needs and by committing ourselves to cooperating in meeting those needs. Even when parents can’t still live together, they can and must learn to still parent together “for the sake of the children.”

Pam Leo
Connection Parenting
Optimal Child Development

Set Me Free – Pep Talk By The Comeback Coach

admin — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:54:04 +0000

Set Me Free

In this week’s Pep Talk video the Comeback Coach, inspired by a visit to a Colorado corrections facility, encourages you to go before the parole board of your mind and announce, “set me free.”

Is This Any Way to “Treat” Children?

admin — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:08:23 +0000

By Pam Leo

“How come the Easter Bunny didn’t bring
us good things like broccoli and carrots?”
- Jared LeDuc (age 5)

It seems no coincidence that children are sick more often November through April than they are May through October. Sugar suppresses the immune system. Many children barely recover from the Halloween sugar, when it’s on to the Christmas candy season, then Valentine’s Day candy and finally Easter candy. Other than birthdays there are no major sugar-filled holidays again until October.

Could the improvement in children’s health during summer be due to something more than better weather? The custom of giving children candy as a way of showing our affection is becoming a threat to their health and well being. It’s time to re-think how we “treat” children.

Sugar is as addictive as nicotine and heroin. The more sugar we eat, the more we crave. Refined white sugar has no vitamins, minerals, proteins or any other nutrient essential to our health. In order to digest refined sugar our bodies must rob vitamins and minerals from healthy cells and draw sodium, potassium and calcium from other parts of the body, leaving it depleted and more susceptible to disease.

Sugar actually deprives children of the nutrients their bodies need to stay healthy. How can it be a gesture of love to give children lots of candy? Have we been so brainwashed by the multi-billion dollar sugar industry that we believe our children will only feel loved if we buy them candy? It isn’t the candy we give children that makes them feel loved. It’s our giving that makes them feel loved.

Life has changed drastically for children in the last hundred years. One of the biggest changes has been in the food they eat. Highly processed convenience foods and fast foods have become a major part of many families’ diet.

The diet of children today is just the opposite of their ancestors. The biggest part of our ancestors’ diet was whole food. It was all they had. Refined white sugar used to be so expensive it was reserved for special occasions. When children, who always ate whole food, had a little sugar, a few times a year, it was a treat and probably didn’t cause any real problems.

Today whole food is often a small part of children’s diet. Sugar is now so cheap it’s in almost everything many of them eat. Children who eat very few whole foods are already lacking in the nutrients necessary for optimal health. When they eat sugar the nutrients they do have become depleted.

Are we to believe that our children’s health is not compromised by this double whammy? There is now abundant research that shows more and more children are developing health and behavior problems from the sugar and the chemicals found in so much of our modern diet.

We all know that too much sugar is not good for children, we’ve been hearing that since we were children. But how much is too much? While many parents are conscious of avoiding the obvious sugar in soda, sweets, and pre-sweetened cereals, we are often unaware of the not so obvious sugar sources.

There is a teaspoon of sugar in every tablespoon of catsup! There is sugar in most yogurts, canned soups, packaged macaroni and cheese, crackers, and chicken nuggets. If we start reading the labels on packaged foods and adding up all the grams of sugar children consume in a day we will be amazed at how much sugar our children are eating, even when we aren’t intending to feed them sugar.

Many parents find themselves going from doctor to doctor trying to find a cure for their children’s health or behavior problems. Could it be that we might find both the cause of and the cure for many of these problems right in our own kitchens? Could it be that our children’s high consumption of processed food with its food coloring, additives, preservatives, refined carbohydrates and sugar is the cause of many of their health and behavior problems?

Children who have never had refined sugar don’t miss it or crave it. Children who have had sugar from the beginning do crave it, both physically and emotionally. If children have learned to equate getting sugar “treats” with feeling loved we will have to be very creative in replacing candy with other expressions of our affection.

Treats don’t have to be sweets. Children have no definition for treat until adults give them one. If we have perpetuated our childhood definition of “treat” as candy, we will have to work at redefining treat to include other things. “I brought you a treat, look at these beautiful strawberries!” The more we refer to other things as treats the less the expectation will be that getting a “treat” means getting candy.

It’s going to be quite a challenge to change the habit of showing affection through the giving of confection. Once we become aware of the health hazard of too much sugar and start protecting children from sugar, we realize that it’s even more of a job to protect them from everyone else’s lack of awareness about sugar.

Many parents who protect their children from being overloaded with sugar are teased about being health nuts and even accused of depriving their children. Sugar is showered on children everywhere. The sad part is that people are usually just trying to express love when they give children candy. No wonder children equate getting candy with being loved! No wonder so many adults turn to sugar when what we really crave is love.

If children already have sugar in their diets it can be counter productive to suddenly ban all sweets. When sweets become completely forbidden at home children often gorge on sweets outside the home whenever they get the chance. Children who are allowed one small sweet a day are less likely to binge on candy when it’s available to them.

While it is probably unrealistic to think that we can keep our children sugar free, there is a lot we can do to reduce the sugar overload. The times we feel we can’t avoid sugar we can at least moderate its effects. We can help slow down the speed at which children absorb sugar and highly processed carbohydrates by giving them some “real” food before or with the treat. (Is that why our parents made us eat dinner before dessert?)

Eating more whole food and less sugar doesn’t have to mean we eliminate all convenience foods or we should never resort to going to the fast food drive-thru or ordering a pizza when we’re just too hungry, busy or tired to cook.

We can start by reading the labels on packaged foods to become aware of how many contain added sugar and how much. We can gradually replace some of the most sugar and chemical laden ones with more whole foods. The more often we involve children in the selection and preparation of the family meal the more easily they make the transition from the foods that deplete their bodies to the foods that nourish them.

Children acquire their attitudes about food from our attitudes about food. When we stop referring to going out for fast food as a treat, and refer to the real food meal we make together as a “happy meal”, children will value real food meals more. What we model, children imitate. Most adults have some level of sugar addiction. We won’t be very successful keeping our children away from sugar if we are eating a lot of it. It’s usually futile to try to get our children to eat fruit when they know we have cookies in the cupboard.

Once we understand just how sugar affects our body and how seriously sugar depletes our whole system, we can’t help but see how vital it is to change the way we “treat” children.

“Treating” children better doesn’t have to mean we never take them out for an ice cream or we stop baking Christmas cookies together. Children feel loved when we do those things but just as the candy is not what makes children feel loved, it isn’t just the ice cream or the cookies that makes those times special. The special part is the connection we feel when spend time doing those things together.

Let’s create new ways to “treat” children to the love they need and the health they deserve.

Pam Leo
Connection Parenting
Optimal Child Development

Photo courtesy of Itchy

Health Risks for Children

admin — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:43:20 +0000

By Christine Wood, M.D.

www.kidseatgreat.com

What parent wouldn’t want to give the gift of good health and a lifetime of good eating habits to his or her children? As a parent and a pediatrician I feel very strongly that we, as parents, have a job to do in protecting and nurturing our kids. We suffer as much as our child does with every cold, fever, cut, bruise, ache, and pain. We do our best to protect them by using car seats and bike helmets, and by being watchful parents.

We would not knowingly expose our child to a deadly virus or bacteria. Yet, many parents allow unhealthy eating habits for their children, putting them at risk for disease. This is the disease that we don’t see, disease that lurks under the surface, within the cells, within the arterial walls, and within the bones of our children. This is not as obvious to us, nor will it become obvious until many years down the line, perhaps, long after we’re gone.

We are talking about the degenerative diseases of aging, like heart disease, stroke, arthritis, macular degeneration, diabetes, and cancer.

These processes are heavily influenced by our diet, but most of the research so far has focused on the adult diet. However, many of the changes have already started in childhood. Our children must begin early and learn a healthy style of eating to give them every advantage later in life. We may be able to change their odds by understanding nutrition and nutritional supplementation and its role in preventative medicine.

Health is one of our greatest concerns of today. Many baby boomers are previewing death as they watch their parents suffer through many of the degenerative diseases of aging. We want to change our odds. Some of us are driven to pursue health by hiring fitness trainers, starting weight loss programs, trying to eat healthfully, and trying more “natural remedies” to treat disease. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually, we are seeking answers about health.

Health trends that are influenced by nutrition include:

Obesity on the Rise. Obesity now affects 1 in 5 children in the United States. Obesity is the most prevalent nutritional disease of children and adolescents. From 1963 to 1980, obesity among U.S. children has increased by 54 percent in 6 to 11 year olds and by 40 percent in adolescents. Since 1991, obesity among adults has increased by nearly 60 percent. These obese children will most likely become obese adults and carry all the extra risks for diseases such as heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, and diabetes. Obesity is much easier to prevent than to cure and prevention in childhood should be our primary target.

Cardiovascular Disease is the Number One Killer. Heart disease is the leading cause of death in the United States and in many Westernized countries around the world. As more countries adopt Western diets and lifestyles, the incidence of heart disease is climbing. It is estimated that healthy lifestyles–including a low-fat, high-fiber diet and exercise–can reduce the risk of heart disease by as much as 80 percent.

Cancer on the Rise in Children. Federal health experts have concerns about why cancer rates are on the rise in children. Childhood cancer has risen almost 11 percent in the past decade. Cancer has become the leading cause of death due to disease among children. It is second to trauma as a cause of death. In recent years, deaths from cancer have declined because of earlier detection and improved treatment, but experts are concerned that survival rates could be eclipsed because of the rising rates of new cases. Dr. Kenneth Cooper, author of the Antioxidant Revolution, feels that environmental toxins are in part responsible for this increase. Some experts estimate that as many as 80 percent of cancers are caused by environmental factors. Antioxidants found in foods are critical to battling the environmental effects that may lead to cancer formation. In addition, obesity can also increase the risk of developing certain types of cancer.

Allergies and Asthma Now Affect Millions of Children. The 1996 statistics from the Centers for Disease Control show that asthma affects over 14 million Americans. This is nearly double the rate from 1980. Almost 5 million of these asthmatics are children. The role of air pollution and other toxins has been implicated in contributing to this rise in allergies and asthma. The diet of a developing infant and child can influence the severity and onset of allergies. Early food exposures can program a child?s immune system to activate future allergies to foods and other air-borne allergens, like dust, mold, and pollens. In addition, children and adults who are overweight have a higher risk for asthma.

Calcium Deficiency Leads to Osteoporosis. Osteoporosis affects 25 million Americans a year and contributes to approximately 1.3 million bone fractures per year, according to the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons. The process of gradual bone loss occurs throughout adulthood, so what is built up early in life is critical to minimizing the effects of bone loss later in life. The average calcium intake in adolescents is about half of the RDA. Our children and teens need to understand that this time in their life is their only chance at building bone.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Learning Disabilities Increasing. In the United States, ADD appears to be rising. Statistics from 1998 estimate that 3 to 5 percent of school-aged children have ADD. The influence of diet on this problem is still unclear. However, we do understand that nutrient deficiencies can affect neurologic function and may influence learning and behavior. Iron deficiency anemia can have a permanent impact on IQ potential and motor development. Fats are another very important nutrient that affects brain development, especially in infants. Breast milk is 50 percent fat and has the right type of fats that allow for optimal brain development.

Home Alone For The Holidays?

admin — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 13:04:06 +0000

By Deborah Moskovitch

The Jewish High Holidays are just days away, Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’m sure many are counting down the shopping days until Christmas. Celebrating holidays can be a stressful time when you’re divorced – but it doesn’t need to be.

I’ve written about this before, but I know it is top of mind for many, so I felt I should blog about it again. If you find yourself without your children or extended family at a time when you traditionally celebrated with them in the past, it can be a sad and lonely experience without them now.

Here’s a little reminder of what I have previously posted and tips to get you though.

Who says you have to celebrate those days the traditional route or the way you celebrated when you were married? If you find yourself alone, create new meaning for these celebrations and enjoy them on your own terms. Here are some tips to get you through these celebrations.

Create new traditions. If the old traditions are too painful to follow, let them go. Instead of trying to re-create the past, create your own positive future.

Throw your own party and invite friends or family who have nowhere to go during this time• Make a special effort to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t try drowning your sorrows with alcohol or food. Doing anything to excess when you are sad or worried is rarely a smart move.

Be good to yourself. Go for a manicure or massage, buy a great CD, catch up on your favorite hobby. Treat yourself the way you would treat a good friend or family member.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable, speak with a trusted friend, therapist or someone in your support group.

Plan ahead. If it looks like you’re going to be spending the time on your own, find an interesting activity or a place to travel so you can be with other people.

Surround yourself with people, whether from your support network, your family, your church or synagogue. You may even be able to attend a special support group holiday function.

Contemplate how you would like your life to look like post-divorce and write down what you need to do to get there. Start doing one of those things now.

Stay in control by making lists of what you need to do and checking each item off as you accomplish it.

Use any time alone to do the things you’ve been putting off — catching up on paperwork; catching up on sleep; reading the great book that’s been sitting unopened for weeks or months; calling the friend you’ve been meaning to reconnect with.

If putting on a dinner or party in the family home doesn’t feel right, try doing something for others off site. For example, you could visit a retirement home and read to those whose families can’t be with them during the holidays.

Continue to make the holidays special for your children. Include them in developing new traditions. Ask them how they would like to celebrate.

Plan ahead how your children are going to spend the holidays. Avoid the stress of figuring things out last minute. This will give you a sense of comfort, relief and control.

Be creative and flexible. If your children are not celebrating the holidays with you, think about making another day during holiday time a special day together.

If your children are going to be with their other parent, phone them and wish them a happy holiday. Let them know that you are thinking about them.

Don’t make your children feel that they have to take care of you during this special time. Send them the message that the holidays are a special time and you want them to enjoy themselves.

Spare the occasional good thought for your ex. Your marriage likely had some good moments. Remembering those times occasionally will help you lift yourself out of your bitterness about your current situation.

Wishing everyone good health, happiness and peace for the holidays.

Photo courtesy of Mark Marcotte

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.