So your ex has moved out – now what? Our guide to moving your home from “we” to “me”

Article courtesy of  Deborah Moskovitch

* Although written from a woman’s perspective,  this information works for us guys as well. – SDL

It was a dream-like experience. Upon returning from a weekend away with our children, the bedroom closets were empty-my husband, now my ex, had moved out. He took the fabulous living room furniture that we had purchased not that long ago. My world was changing.

The reality was, I wanted to stop thinking about who I had become upon divorce-a single woman-and focus on my surroundings. I wanted my home to change from our home to my home.

I wanted to shape my space to reflect my personality. I wanted to transform it into a space where I would be happy. Slowly, this philosophy would influence the décor throughout my home.

Of course, like most of the things I was dealing with, this was uncharted territory-especially learning to deal with my new budget. The first project I wanted to tackle was my new bedroom. The room which we shared, which was ours, was now mine. As I gloriously celebrated more closet space, I needed to create a room which would provide new memoires of the next chapter of my life. I fantasized about my new seductive boudoir, strewn with rose pedals and candlelight everywhere.

But the truth was, that wasn’t me. Reality set in and I did what I could-cost effectively, changing only my sheets, drapery and mattress. It was a fresh start.

Comfort for the kids as well

I also needed to keep in mind that my children needed continuity. Even if I could afford it (which I couldn’t), I wasn’t going to change everything. After all, what message would that be sending to my children-erasing all memories of their life before the divorce? Letting my personality shine through as best I could, spending as little I could, I would decorate for myself, not anyone else. I bought some new artwork, throw pillows for my family room sofa and a few knick-knacks here and there.

Kimberly Seldon, an internationally recognized designer, suggests: “When you experience a crisis it’s essential to take time to heal before embarking on new projects. I’ve met new clients who immediately want to redesign the whole house. It may feel good to “erase” any trace of him, but you want to make sure you are in a sane and peaceful frame of mind before you start renovating or decorating.”

“You don’t want to make every decision with him in mind. For example, he hated leather so you will “show him” and put leather everywhere. That may not be what you really want. Once you are emotionally ready to heal and move on, then decorating can be an empowering process; reclaiming your own space and your own look.”

Seldon’s top five tips for reclaiming your house after divorce

Seldon offers the following helpful tips to lessen the decorator letdown, and create a space that will become your retreat and your oasis; and a sanctuary away from the hectic life you lead. After all, life post-divorce sometimes seems like huge a balancing act, teetering on the brink between stress and sanity.

Identify priorities. Tackle one small, important space at a time. For instance, if you are going to spend 50% of your time in the kitchen then put your focus (time and money) there. Don’t bother with the living room initially if you don’t think you’ll use it much.

Be yourself. Make sure you are choosing what is authentic for you – not just what he would have hated. You are going to be moving into new territory; a whole new life. You’ll want the new space to reflect the beginning of a new life, not the end of an old one.

Put the war to rest, and be realistic. Put together a floor plan before you hire the movers. It’s too easy during a divorce to fight over pieces of furniture that are really obsolete once you move. Make sure you want or need the items in question before you pay the movers to take them to the new home. If the old pieces of furniture don’t fit, or aren’t right, that will just be one more thing you hate about the divorce.

Be authentic. Seldon comments: “I have a dear friend in LA whose home is very formal, but she’s very casual person. There’s a disconnect when you see her in the space.” Embrace the best parts of yourself and create an environment that celebrates the real you

Let the real you shine through. Seldon learns the most about new friends and clients from the artwork and books they collect. These are the true mirror to the soul. You may not want to invest in a lot of kitsch for your new house, but a funky coffee table book about the subject sends a message about your irreverent side.

Ah, my space, and loving it. Relaxing in the surroundings I call home. I’m doing it in style, my way – and it’s certainly far from perfect. But, that isn’t to say I can’t change my space from “me” to “we” again, but for now, this is what makes me happy.

This article is original content on More.ca provided by author to Single Dad Life

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

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By Deborah Moskovitch

As I prepare my children to transition from the spontaneity of life in the summer to the structure of school it occurred to me how they need to get back into routine. Not only is it important for our children to be in the habit of schedules, but the aspect of shared parenting needs to be formalized once again; especially if life has been a bit off kilter as our children are at camp, have their own activities without parents or in holiday mode.

If you are the resident parent where the children live most of the time, then not much will change. However, if your children don’t live with you most of the time, here are some ideas to consider to maintaining involvement in your children’s lives:

Parenting Tips for Transforming Your Family

Make A Family Calendar

Hang it wherever the children will see it, to show that you care. Make your children see that their lives are important to you and that they are your priority.

On the family calendar, list:

• birthdates

• school schedules

• other dates, such as dental appointments, dance recitals, sports games, and so on.

Establish Rules Such As The Following:

• Each parent must order his or her own tickets for children’s events.

• Each parent must make his or her own arrangements at school to get information.

• It is not up to your former spouse to do those things or provide information for you.

• It’s up to you to take the initiative.

• Don’t make your son or daughter into the man or woman of the house.

• Don’t turn your son or daughter into your best friend and confidant.

• Don’t fill the void in your bed by allowing your child to sleep there. If you eventually start a relationship and no longer allow your child into your bed because you are sharing it with someone else, the child could feel displaced.

If You Are The Noncustodial Parent, Here Are Some Ideas To Help You Maintain A Positive Relationship
With Your Children:

• Some schools allow children to leave the grounds for lunch; you may be able to take them out to lunch without affecting the custodial parent’s time.

• As much as you can, duplicate at your home the little things that your kids love at the custodial parent’s home–things like special Barbie dolls, books, and so on. Send out the message that you care. Duplicating items will remove the stress children may feel about taking their favorite things to the other parent’s home or about forgetting to bring them (but keep in mind that some items, like the favorite blanket or stuffed animal, can’t be duplicated).

Remember, your children still have two parents. They still have a family, it’s the dynamics which have changed and up to parents to minimize the conflict and make transition as easy as possible.

Deborah Moskovitch is a divorce consultant and educator, and author of The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts. Deborah has become an opinion leader in the media and has shared her insights and research on television and radio to explain that divorce can be managed in smarter ways. To learn more visit TheSmartDivorce.com

Copyright ©2009 The Smart Divorce® and Deborah Moskovitch
All rights reserved. No portion of this material may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Deborah Moskovitch and The Smart Divorce.

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How many times does your busy schedule include your dinner recipe of …I’ll take a #1 with a Coke, #3 with BBQ sauce and #2 no tomato?

No matter how guilty it makes you feel, it is almost impossible to prepare dinner when you get home from work, or just  finished coaching their t-ball game. I have one amazing kitchen appliance that can save your life!

The Crock Pot!

My life completely changed once I found the world of slow cooker recipes. It was like the parting of the red sea. Miracles happen when you let the crock pot cook your meals. Overnight, I became the dad that can cook. You can purchase less expensive meats, throw some stuff on top of it, let it cook on low all day and presto—you’re Dad- the Super Chef !  Really, it is almost impossible to screw up.

Guaranteed winner: Combine onion soup/dip mix and a can of cream of mushroom soup, couple tablespoons of water. Slop it all over any meat in the crock pot, set it on low for  8 – 10 hours. You have just become an expert in the kitchen.

Trust me. It will look like a mess when you start, put when it is done,  it will taste great and you will have terrific gravy sitting on the bottom of the pot. (See, don’t I almost sound like an  official chef) . You could even add some sliced or red potatoes and some carrots and you have a complete meal.

I was given the  cookbook  Fix-It and Forget-It Cookbook: Feasting with Your Slow Cooker This is a great book. The recipes are so simple and easy and each recipe was  submitted by different people.  If your looking for a diet book, this is not for you. But the reality is, most crock pot recipes are more about ease and simplicity and filling your home with the aroma of a good home cooked meal, then counting calories. I am sure there are books available to address the light variety.

Do you have a hard time getting your kids to eat vegetables? This is one of my kids favorites from this book and it even includes string beans! It was submitted by Shirley Hinh of Wayland, IA.

Tater Tot Casserole : makes 6-8 servings so also good for reheated leftovers

32 oz bag frozen tater tots, 1 lb. ground beef, browned, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1/4 tsp. pepper, 2 – 14 oz cans of green beans – drained, 10 3/4-oz can cream of mushroom soup (stuff works in everything), 1 Tbsp. dried onions, 1/4 cup milk

1. Line slow cooker with frozen tater tots.

2. Combine remaining ingredients. Pour over potatoes.

3. Cover. Cook on High 3 hours.

It may not look pretty, but it never fails to bring requests for a second serving! (I realize this is not exactly “cooking light”, but sure beats the combo meal in the drive thru. )

* you can sprinkle individual servings with your choice of grated cheese

So if you don’t already have one, go out and buy a crock pot.  Put your dinner in when you leave for work or the game.  You have  just become the single dad in the kitchen your kids will brag about. Might even make some single moms curious

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Bird watching for kids is an activity that will bring nature to life.

Bird watching (or birding) is a hobby concerned with the observation and study of wild birds. Kids are naturally curious and love to learn. The behavior of wild birds is what makes them so fascinating to watch.

The best place to introduce your kids to bird watching is in your own backyard. Try hanging a few birdfeeders and watch the reactions as birds begin to come to your feeders.

It won’t be long before the questions are flying. Bird watching (or birding) is a hobby concerned with the observation and study of wild birds.  Kids are

• Where do birds live?
• What do birds eat?
• How do birds fly?
• Why do birds sing?
• What kind of bird is that?

Just relax; birding doesn’t require a vast knowledge of birds. Bird watching gives you an opportunity to learn with your kids. Observing birds gives us a better understanding of their habitats and behaviors.

Bird watching for kids, will be a lot of fun. It is a fantastic hobby that the whole family will enjoy

Watching wild birds can be fun for parents and kids but bird watching for kids can grow into a life long love for nature.

How to Build a Soda Bottle Bird Feeder

Making a soda bottle bird feeder is a great project you can do with your kids. It will only take about 20 minutes…and best of all it is nearly free!

This project is fun and easy, but is also a great way to get a child interested in bird watching. When your child helps you make a bird feeder, instead of purchasing one, they will be much more interested in the wild bird that are attracted to the feeder

Here is what you will need to build a soda bottle bird feeder:

Materials: 1 – 2-liter soda bottle 2 – 5/16″ x 8″ dowels (you can use a tree branch if you like) 1 – 3′ piece of thin solid wire

Tools: Drill 1/16″ drill bit 1/8″ drill bit 5/16″ drill bit Caulking

Procedure: Remove the label from the soda bottle, then clean, rinse and dry. Drill a 1/16″ hole (or a size just big enough for your wire to feed through) in the cap and the bottom of the bottle. With the cap off, feed the wire through the bottom then through the cap (from inside to outside). Replace the cap onto the bottle. Wrap and secure the wire around the neck of the bottle. Make a loop at the end of with least 4″ of wire, in order to hang the bottle.

Drill two 5/16″ holes near the bottom of the soda bottle bird feeder (cap end) on opposite sides and drill two more holes 1/2″ higher. Position the holes so that the perches cross in the center. Insert the perches. Drill or cut holes for the seed. For nyjer seed: cut small slots, 1/4″ x 1/8″, 1 1/2″ above each perch. For sunflower seed: drill 5/16″ holes, 1 1/2″ to 2″ above each perch.

Find a spot to hang your feeder that is low enough for your children to see. Then sit back enjoy the new visitors to your yard. Don’t be discouraged if it takes a little time for the birds to locate your new offering. They will soon “flock” to it.

For more great bird watching information visit   www.a-home-for-wild-birds.com

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Ok, you finally made a decision to purchase an HDTV. You know you probably shouldn’t spend the money. But, you just got back from watching the football game at your buddies house on his 50 inch plasma. Now you are home watching your regular TV and it just doesn’t cut it anymore. In your mind, you even have it justified by telling yourself your kids could hook up their video games to the “old” TV and they would love not having to bug you. Yeah, that works.

Walking though the television section in one of the electronic stores can be overwhelming.  What to choose and what size should I buy?  One big tip: The flatscreen will look bigger at home than it does in the store.   Your eyes bulge and you are in awe when you freeze in front of the 72″ with Transformers on the screen. Only problem is, if you don’t have a huge viewing room you’ll have to watch it from your neighbors backyard! No matter which one you choose, and there are plenty of websites to do your investigation, it will look great once you get it home.   Remember, to view your programming in HD, you must subscribe to this service from your provider.

Now go ahead. Go to the store and check them out. After all, look at all the money you will save by watching movies at home with your kids instead of spending your hard earned dollars at the movie theater.  Yes! What a penny pincher you are!

High Definition Television (HDTV) : Choosing an HDTV Set

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The Hustler and The Color of Money are movies that pop up when the discussion turns to playing pool. Thoughts flash by of dusty billiard rooms, “Fast” Eddie waiting to hustle you out of your last buck, and another drink waiting at the bar.

If dad has memories of late night pool games and shooting the breeze with his buddies, a pool table at home might be just the answer. With a pool table at home, he can play anytime and even invite some of his friends over to enjoy a game of eight ball or two.

And don’t forget the kids. Dad and his kids can spend quality time together around the table, often with fun and some competitive ribbing . Young and old can all join in. Growing up, I can remember practicing as a kid to challenge my dad. I never won a game, but I have fond memories of just the two of us enjoying the time together as he dropped one ball after another. Later, I discovered he played in college and owned his own cue stick! Lucky for me, we never played for my allowance.

Having a pool table in the basement  brought friends over  just to hang out. The pool table created a laid back atmosphere. As we played, discussions always turned to sports or girls or whatever was on our minds. It also served another purpose, keeping us off the streets, at home and occupied.

But before you head out to buy a pool table, there are some things to consider. The main one is space requirements.  This involves not just the space for the table itself, but also the extra room needed to use the cue stick comfortably.  A good idea is to write down the dimensions of your room and bring them with you to the dealer. With many styles and sizes to choose from, don’t be afraid to ask the professional questions.

Think you need a basement to have a pool table? Not so. You could place it in the family room, have a cover made, and it becomes a functional piece of furniture. Do you have a living room that is seldom used?  Turn it into the favorite room of the house by converting it into a pool room.

Any way you go, a pool table will be a great investment for in-home fun for all.

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