Marriage – It’s Complicated

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

My wife took me to see Nancy Meyers’ new movie, “It’s Complicated,” which stars Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin. She had seen it a day or two before and wanted to see it with me saying, “It would be good for us.” Honestly, I do tend to like what is typically labeled “chick flicks” but don’t like director Nancy Meyers’ perfect world, perfect rich characters, perfect looking people, dressed and coifed just perfectly. But, for the sake of marital harmony, I agreed.

I didn’t expect what followed. Throughout the movie, my wife was jabbing me in the ribs whenever she wanted me to notice a point being made that she felt related to me or us. So, I left with bruised ribs, which ached even more toward the end of the movie during the one, truly hilarious scene. I really enjoyed laughing that hard, in spite of the pained ribs, which I’ve totally exaggerated for sympathy anyway.

Without a doubt, the best thing about the movie is that comic scene near the end. “It’s Complicated” is also that rare movie title that really works and has so many other relevant meanings related to life, marriage, raising kids, and even a facebook status.

There’s a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate. Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them. Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.

There were countless marital clichés in Ms. Meyer’s movie, like how couples “drift apart,” “don’t work hard enough at it” or wind up “living separate lives,” none of which were necessarily exact quotes from the movie though all were spiritually in tune with the script. My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.

This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don’t put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage. Should an affair end a marriage? Well, we’ll address that another time as I have some strong opinions on that subject. In our marriage, we’ve just remained stubborn, set in our ways, and unwilling to change.

That admission notwithstanding, we are equally willing to recognize and own our faults, occasionally admit them out loud, and try and change them. The “try” part is the operative word and mutual challenge. I am very stuck in my habits and patterns. Further, as a couple we’ve become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds. I’ll speak for myself in saying it’s cowardly and I hate when I’m doing it, I’m actually ashamed of myself, but I’m too stubborn to back off. It’s a classic lose-lose, but I’m right in my mind, even when I’m sleeping on the couch.

I know I’m not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men’s group. I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting. To take a phrase from our group, how I “show up” makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can “let it go,” maybe give my wife a hug even when I’m irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.

In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words. He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make? What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it’s childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I’ve hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.

Yes, relationships are complicated. But, it takes two to make them work or fail and I’m grateful that I have a partner who is willing to admit her mistakes as readily as I will admit mine. Where there’s that kind of communication, there’s hope and every chance to have a beautiful, nurturing, relationship. Stay tuned.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including an archive of his columns, contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan gave up his showbiz career a decade ago to raise his two boys, full-time, now 13 and 16. His internationally syndicated column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is his take on the challenges of parenthood and male/female issues, both as a single dad and now, newly remarried, in a blended family. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Making the Correct Decision – Friend or Parent?

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

One of the many things that we try to teach our children is how to make a good decision. Sometimes the problem can be that we may not always make good decisions ourselves or we may allow emotions to influence our choices. I found this to be true in a recent argument I had with my older son and a latter discussion about an important choice he wanted to make.

The argument was about his last-minute decision to back out of his promise to come skiing with me over Winter Break, preferring instead to stay home with his friends (and girlfriend). I got angry as he made this decision days before we were supposed to leave, thus leaving me high and dry with little time to find a

friend to come in his place. My wife and other son were already scheduled to go on a very special trip to Japan and Hong Kong.

So, like the mature parent I always am, I pouted like a child, I yelled, and otherwise berated him. The truth was he never really wanted to go, as he’s just not that into skiing (or snowboarding, in his case), but he was afraid to tell me that truth. Once I got over my initial hurt over being spurned in favor of his friends and girlfriend (he’s 16, Dad – who do you think he prefers to hang out with?), we talked about a better way to have handled the situation.

The upshot is that he knows that he shouldn’t wait until the last minute because of fear of disappointing me (or anyone), fear of my reaction, and he should “man up” and tell the truth vs. procrastinating. I needed to “hear” him better when he was hesitant to go and not railroad him to the decision I wanted.

Ultimately, it all worked out just fine and we both learned some lessons on how to interact better. Frankly, he was the more mature one in this particular interaction, as my disappointment manifested itself in an over-reaction and somewhat childish behavior on my part. While, once his true feelings were out in the open, he offered reasonable arguments in support of his position. He learned from this as well, and we’ll both handle a similar circumstance better in the future.

For me, the more interesting situation happened later when Will was conflicted about staying in the (rock ‘n’ roll) band he’d recently joined. Again, I brought my past, good and bad, to the discussion. But, in this case, we had a truly adult conversation, without any rancor, and I made the right decision by backing off and allowing him to decide for himself. In the past, the truth has been that I was too invested in my kids doing what I wanted them to do versus what they really may have wanted to do. The ski trip was a perfect example and I’m happy to say, I actually learned from it enough to not repeat the same sort of manipulation and mishandling with this band dilemma.

I was able to offer my opinion, but in a clearly non-judgmental way, and the upshot was that he was eager to share in his “process” and what happened as a result. I kept my judgments to myself and he ultimately did choose to leave the band. His biggest concern was maintaining his close friendship with his co-band leader and dear friend. On that front, I was able to advise him to monitor the reasons he gave for leaving. The truth would’ve undoubtedly been hurtful. He chose to listen and, after a little hurt feelings, the two of them have remained good friends.

Frankly, I’ve mishandled similar situations way too often in my adult life, let alone when I was his age. So, I come back to my original assertion that we tend to bring our own patterns and experience to our parenting advice when, sometimes, it may not be the best advice. I’m so glad that I let him do this himself and so grateful that he was comfortable enough to involve me throughout the experience.

There are other times when we, as parents, know there is no doubt as to the right decision and direction our kids should go, especially in their teen years when they’re asserting their independence every chance they get. If that “independence” involves drinking, doing drugs, or other obvious misconduct, there should be an immediate no-nonsense response from us, as parents. That means they may be mad as us. That means we may punish them. So what? That is our job, as I’ve written before–to be the best parent we can be, rather than their buddy.

My son taught me a good lesson in one argument while I know I offered sound counsel in another. Each situation merits different and thoughtful consideration from us, the supposed adults. Can I go out and play now?

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView?v=wall. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

We’re Giving Our Kids a Worse and Harder World

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

The parents of every generation expect and hope that their children can and will do better than they did. Ours may be the first generation, in a very long while, where it is both unlikely and unrealistic to have this expectation. The world has just gotten much more complicated, much harder, and more competitive. I reflected on this in a conversation with a friend, about how much easier we believed it was for us, as we were starting out in life.

It is inescapable that America’s pre-eminence in the world is changing. Whether it’s the devaluation of our dollar as the standard currency or other factors, it is clear that we are weakening as the world’s super-power. The fall-out from this translates to our industries, our economy, and the opportunities our children will have.

Frankly, I worry about the future. I worry about how and where my kids will find career fulfillment and happiness. I even worry about their quality of life, with such dramatic changes as what is being proposed for our healthcare system, what has already happened to our car industry, and what may continue to happen to our way-of-life due to terrorist activities. Let’s face it, air travel is no longer any fun. It sure was when I was younger.

The other phenomenon that is pervasive among my peers is the return of their adult children, after college. In most cases, they haven’t returned home to freeload, but because they’re just unable to afford to live on their own even if they’re fortunate enough even to find a job. My wife, as step-mom to my boys, is clearly worried about this, though she loves them dearly. She truly didn’t even consider the fact that the boys might still be in our home, in our daily lives, in their twenties. Neither did I, for that matter, yet I still hope to prepare them to succeed independently, but there’s so much contrary evidence that I can’t assume that will be the case.

My wife’s parents and the majority of her family live in Vancouver, B.C. and we’d assumed we’d move there once the boys had graduated from high school. As my parents have died in the past few years and I have little other immediate family in our area, it seemed only fair that we’d transition to the location of my wife’s family once the boys were grown. What is “grown” today? As our boys are just 13 and 16, we’re still a few years away from facing this issue, but we’re well aware of our friends, with older kids, who are facing this right now with their “adult” children.

But, let’s backtrack a little and look at some of the things that my friend and I reflected on as so much easier when we were younger. First, getting into college wasn’t that big a deal. Yes, Harvard and Stanford were still difficult standard bearers, but a strong “B” average and a decent SAT score secured each of us admission to good University of California schools. Later, we both got into UCLA graduate school with grades that wouldn’t get us even considered now!

Further, job opportunities were prevalent. We both were able to work summer jobs, every summer in high school and college, and we both got jobs immediately after college graduation and, in my case, through an internship while finishing up my M.B.A.

My 16-year-old is competing with grown men, these days, for minimum wage jobs. Plus, the workloads at middle and high schools have become absurdly excessive. It was not that hard when I went to high school. That is why so many kids can’t take jobs, even if they can find them.

I guess I feel as if our kids aren’t allowed to be kids as long as we were. The omnipresence of technology in their lives 24/7 contributes to a loss of innocence. The problems the world is currently experiencing with this recession and the emergence of terrorism worldwide just adds their challenges. At times, the news is just plain frightening. And, most outlets don’t even report “news” since news, as the mainstream media have mostly become opinionated vs. objective.

So, I fear and believe it is a harder world for our children. And, I regret and feel bad that they will be facing these higher hurdles and scarier times. I wish it were different. And, frankly, I feel sort of impotent in helping to change this situation. Other than getting involved in politics, which I loathe to do, I feel a little like Rick (Humphrey Bogart) in “Casablanca” saying to Ilsa at the end of the film, “I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.” I guess time will tell.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

What Does the First Year of Marriage Portend?

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Dennis Prager, one of the most influential men in my life, spoke on his talk show recently about the impact of a first year on marriage. He asked if an easy, successful first year or a difficult, hard first year were indicative of the long-term success of the marriage? He didn’t take a position either way, allowing callers to offer their stories, which were both positive and negative about the impact of their first years on their marriages.

As I’m about to survive, I mean celebrate, my first year of my second marriage, it raised some questions for me, worthy of thought. Our first year has been both wonderful and rough, in many unforeseen ways, and I’ve wondered what it means for our future.

Second marriages naturally have their own challenges, as we tend to be older and bring more history (aka “baggage”) to the union. Ours was no exception, as we came with a trove of differences as well as some important commonalities. On our honeymoon, we met another couple that also had some pretty inherent disparities and we enjoyed a friendly debate about which of us was the most dissimilar couple.

I met my wife online and the first sentence of her profile asked, “Do you ski?” That I do, and it became the basis for our introduction. In fact, we were pretty matched as skiers, since Loren had grown up in Vancouver and had skied her whole life. I may be a bit more aggressive, a bit more “go for it” in my approach, but there’s no doubt that she’s a more graceful and elegant skier. However, beyond skiing, we discovered many other shared interests and values along with some substantial differences.

Though our religions were different, the common values we shared from our respective religions were actually more compatible than had our political views been different. I learned that irony in my former showbiz days when I became good friends with a Christian writer I was working with and we discovered we really shared the very same values and, as it turned out, political views. Our only difference, really, was in the role of Jesus in the world. I’ll save that discussion for another time, if at all, as I’m no religious expert.

So, my wife and I had skiing and basic values (e.g. The Ten Commandments) in common. Those basic values included our political orientation. Our differences were racial and religious, as I’m a Jewish white guy and she’s Christian Chinese. On the surface we were from different religions and different cultures. However, two similarities that our cultures and religions share are love of food and education. Different foods, but love of eating, cooking, and sharing a meal couldn’t be more identical. The same can be said of our belief in the value of education, though I’ve actually become more relaxed about the value of a college education than I used to be.

As to our differences, let’s say like real estate where the mantra is “Location, location, location” our main difference is “clean, clean, clean.” Loren is quite organized, neat, and dare I say obsessed with cleanliness, while I maintain a decidedly relaxed attitude towards it. Since I was a single dad, with two boys and two dogs, that relaxed attitude became more ingrained as keeping clean became less a priority than our emotional survival during the initial period of we three boys living together, without a female in our midst.

Our first year of marriage was complicated by the stresses of several outside events, beginning with the death of my mother, shortly before we married, and including the emergence of my older son into full teen-dom. For Loren, there were several health problems, including several minor surgeries literally all in the first year of our marriage, plus two more severe scares relating to the health of her parents (both of which have been resolved well). And, Loren has had to deal with her profession being at the center of the storm of recession, as she’s a real estate agent.

Love may conquer all, but there are still large hurdles that we’ve both faced in this freshman term of our marriage. This is especially true for her, as the sole female entering our male world. There were some tight bonds formed during the years we were just “we guys.” And, to top it off, Loren had to adjust to moving from the center of the city to the outskirts of suburbia, where we lived. Since her future stepsons were entrenched in their schools and social lives, she understood and graciously made that change as well.

All these factors made for an interesting and challenging first year. Our saving grace was the willingness to acknowledge that we occasionally needed help. We’ve gone to a wonderful therapist who has both sternly counseled us on our respective childish behaviors and given us feedback and useful tools, which we’ve tried to implement. I emphasize, “tried,” as teaching old dogs new tricks is a challenge.

While I’m writing this from my point-of-view, I know that Loren will agree that we’re equally stubborn and set in our ways. However, we’re both equally willing to work on these issues with our therapist and recognize that this second marriage is no picnic. But, it is completely and absolutely worth the effort and compromises, and the resulting joys that we share. Don’t tell her, but I lucked out!

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Christmas Trees, Menorahs, and Being Apart (on Christmas)

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

This holiday season my wife and I will celebrate our first year of marriage on separate continents. As we are different races and religions, there are usually challenges we encounter at this time of year, so maybe being 7,000 miles apart will make it easier. We’ve actually resolved the big conundrum for me–the Christmas tree.

I don’t care if you call it a Hannukah bush or an ordinary tree; it is a Christmas tree, pure and simple. It represents the birth of Christ and it’s not just a secular symbol. But, it matters to my wife, so we resolved the issue by agreeing, like so many mixed religious couples, to celebrate both Christmas and Hannukah. Since my boys were raised Jewish, and my younger son just became a Bar Mitzvah, it really isn’t an issue for me anymore.

Truly, it’s more to honor my wife, her background and her religion, versus a belief that it matters in our stage in life. My boys have been raised Jewish, have completed the major ritual of becoming a Bar Mitzvah and are now old enough to choose their path in life, and to be able to enjoy both holidays without confusion.

I believe, strongly, that a new marriage with young kids that decides to celebrate both holidays will only confuse children and the ultimate result will likely be their rejection of both religions. In our case, that is unlikely as my boys have had a distinctive Jewish upbringing and now, post Bar Mitzvah, can enjoy my wife’s holiday and its joys and traditions without their core values being challenged or confused.

Call me conciliatory or wimpy, I don’t care, but I think life is different in a second marriage when the kids have already been inculcated in one religion. Exposure now to different traditions won’t hurt and it is inevitable in their daily life anyway. My older son is dating a “gentile” as my mom would have said, and I think she’s a lovely girl. My younger son’s best friends are mostly Asian, therefore not Jewish, and I don’t see any problem as they’re good kids, smart kids, and mostly as academic and wholesome as he is.

Wow, what a different world we live in since I was a kid. My mother would ask me the last name of every friend I had, and especially any girl that I might’ve dated when I was old enough to date. I didn’t realize why, at first, until I was older and understood that the last name was a clue to their religion. Now, I ask my boys about their friend’s interests, their character, and their success at school. When and if I meet them, I might notice then their racial difference or ask about their backgrounds.

Isn’t this the way it’s supposed to be? I think so and I’m living proof of the diversity of the world today. My ex-wife was half-Japanese and my second wife is 100% Chinese and Christian. My boys are therefore, ¼ Japanese and, with my second wife’s background, completely confused about their identity. Just kidding. But, I do seriously think we represent what the future of the world will be like–a blended mix of race and religion with, I hope, respect for all our cultures.

I’m not sure where radical Islam fits into this future or our world today, but I’ll leave that hot potato political subject for the political commentators and writers. I will just focus on the Judeo-Christian basis of America and the racial mix of my own family. At least on that, I can speak with some authority and limit my rhetoric!

I’ve got completely off the track since this column is about how I will be spending my first wedding anniversary and this holiday season about 7,000 miles away from one of my sons and my wife. She’s taking my recent Bar Mitzvah boy to Japan as his present for his substantial achievement in becoming a Bar Mitzvah and in honor of his heritage and his interest in manga (Japanese comic books and art). I will be in the mountains, skiing, with my older son.

I guess you could say this is a very modern marriage in that we worked things out this way. We set up the Christmas tree the first week in December and had the Hannukah menorahs ready to light the first week of Hannukah, which this year, didn’t overlap with Christmas at all.

We represent the diversity that we read about, that our schools and universities preach about, and that our future likely looks like. In this case I really like it plus feel very grateful and lucky for how our family has reconstituted itself.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

When Did I Become the Senior Dad?

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

While walking with a friend the day after Thanksgiving, we shared our respective holiday experiences and noted that we were both now the senior dads–the main paternal figure in our respective families. We laughed together, but it was a moment of melancholy and reflection, both of which were feelings I had this Thanksgiving.

My father died four years ago and my mother died just a year ago, so this was our first Thanksgiving in which neither of my parents was with us. Yes, the aging of my parents effectively made me the “man in charge” for many of their later years, but I still viewed them as the senior generation and offered them the respect and deference that they continued to deserve during those difficult years. But now, other than an older 3rd cousin that I adore, it’s now me representing that older figure in our small family.

What does that mean? How do I view my role differently now? What are my obligations in this role? What deference, if any, should I expect now that I’m the senior male adult in our family? These are the questions that I was thinking about at our wonderful turkey meal this year. My wife is an extraordinary cook so we had a terrific feast, but a quiet one with just the four of us because of last minute cancelled travel plans. That boosted my awareness of the changes that have taken place in the hierarchy of my family.

As we’re all adjusting to our newly blended family, it’s natural that my wife and I are struggling to figure out our respective functions in the family. We both believe there is inherent value and I might even add sanctity in the mother and father roles. We also believe they are different and we like to celebrate those differences. Consequently, she does look to me to be the man while I absolutely look to her to be the woman of the family.

The difference, however, is her parents are still very much alive, healthy, and an active, though a geographically distant presence in her life. For me, the realization that I’m now “the old guy” is sort of daunting. I feel it is my responsibility to make sure that certain rituals are observed and that my sons are taught to treat their elders respectfully. That now means me. I thought no yuppie ever became an elder? Didn’t our generation say to “never trust anyone over 30?” Is Mick Jagger really over 60? Am I now over a decade older than JFK when he died, two decades older than when George Gershwin died, and three decades older than when James Dean crashed his Porsche? Tell me I’m wrong, please?

It’s a sobering reality as, of course, we all age but my generation was convinced we’d do it better than our predecessors. No, we’re just getting more plastic surgery and realizing the same changes that happen to everyone who gets older. We are more forgetful, absent-minded, our bodies aren’t as responsive as they once were, and like in Bruce Springsteen’s song, “Glory Days,” we tend to tell stories from our past and relive those memories repeatedly. I’m no exception as my family and wife are tired of many of those stories.

Still, becoming the patriarch of my family carries weight with me. It forces me to think more deeply about my choices and how they affect my family. Dr. Bruce Powell, a brilliant educator, said that our children see, watch, and remember almost everything we do. So, we model for them and our good and bad behavior is completely absorbed by them. I remind myself of this every time I drink more than two glasses of wine in their presence, when I swear, and especially if my wife and I quarrel in front of them.

I never said I was perfect, though I strive for an ideal that now seems even more important, so I hope to be the best model I can be. At this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, I didn’t say much and I now realize I missed an opportunity. We have a wonderful ritual that we do every Friday, when we celebrate Shabbat–the Jewish Sabbath–that I believe is a great fully established tradition in our family.

We go around the table and each person present, whether it’s just our family and/or guests, takes turns telling the best and worst things that happened to them in the previous week. The only rule is that only one worst is allowed. The result is we each get to reflect on our lives with extra emphasis on the things that are good, the things to be grateful for, and it allows us to learn what each person feels is most important to him or her.

My boys have no memory of not performing this ritual. Now that I am the senior dad in the family, I will look to reinforce this tradition, establish others, try and be the best patriarchal figure I can be, and also work to better model a loving marriage for my sons with my lovely bride of just one year (we married December 27, 2008).

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and

A Dad, His Son, and D’s and F’s

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

What parent hasn’t dreaded report card time, especially when a child is underperforming? How do two kids, born of the same genetic material, turn out so differently when it comes to school performance and their work ethic?

When is it wrong if the “problem” child gets more attention than the one who gets his work done and maintains good grades? These are questions most households face and we are definitely in the middle of them right now.

My older son, Will, is multi-talented when it comes to music and disinterested when it comes to school. He plays several instruments and is almost a walking encyclopedia of contemporary music and even knows quite a bit about music from previous generations. He’s also multi-talented at fooling me about his school-work, even though he’s clear the truth about his grades will always surface.

I’m told that teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that rational thought doesn’t actually enter their heads until their 20’s. Okay (heavy sarcasm now intended), that excuses his excuses and, therefore, I’ll just let him continue to fail some classes, do sloppy work all around, and prioritize his social life over school. He also knows that a “B” average is necessary for him to be allowed to drive or even get his driver’s permit. Just after his 16th birthday I’ve learned he’s failing English.

English! His own language. I know “English” isn’t a class about learning to speak the language, but is about learning grammar and how to write. His dad is a writer, but will he come to me for help? Nah, he can get the “F” all by himself. Now, I’m sure you’re sensing a little anger and attitude coming from your erstwhile columnist. That’s because I am angry and frustrated.

This is where the contrast between siblings is so stark. His younger brother thrives on the discipline of school and homework. He requires no supervision. In fact, he often requires persuasion to skip school for a special occasion or trip that we might have planned. He’s actually afraid of his teachers. What a quaint idea in our age where some teachers are more afraid of their students and their parents. But, too much of the household attention is focused on his brother and that just isn’t fair to David, who is doing so well in school.

I know that we have only limited control of our kids’ behavior, especially as they enter fantasyland–the teen years. I’m reminded of a good friend who went through this sort of problem with his older son. At one point, they removed everything from his room–computer, books, games, pictures, literally everything! All that was left was a bed on the floor. His beloved portable devices, cell-phone, computer, etc. were all removed. Did he change? Nope. He was more stubborn than his parents, who eventually returned most of his stuff.

This is a loving nuclear family in which mom and dad are present, involved, and care deeply for their two children. Their son eventually rebelled further and they had to send him to a wilderness rehab camp where he partially turned around. My friend says the most important lesson his son learned was an awareness of the consequences of his actions on others–a great lesson for most teens.

Now, in his middle 20’s, this young man is living on his own and supporting himself. He’s still searching for fulfillment of his career passion, and has kept the same job for a while now in that field, though not making the kind of money he’d hoped for. That passion has been consistent for a long time, as has his passion for regularly smoking marijuana. His parents believe that this is their son’s way of self-medicating his inherent personality issues.

These parents still beat themselves up over what they might have done differently. I know them well and I know their son was destined to go his own way. He’s smart, still has his head on his shoulders, has never had a problem with the law, and may pull out of this successfully, though it will never replace all the lost and graying hairs on my friend’s head. Their biggest frustration, much like mine, is knowing that their son has all the tools and all the ability, but isn’t living up to his potential.

My son respects me. I support his extraordinary musical talents, but he will suffer consequences for his recent deceptions about school. His room won’t be emptied, but his computer is now available on an “as needed” basis as I have his keyboard and mouse. His social life is limited and he’s partially grounded, while I’m continuing to support his band practices and music lessons. While his attitude reflects irritation, he also still talks to me and hasn’t resisted a single “consequence” as he does know he’s messed up. As we say in my men’s group, he’s “owned” his part in this.

Will he turn it around before he’s 18? I hope so. Is there more I should be doing? I’m still discussing that with my wife, my men’s group, and our therapist, as maybe further therapy might be another option to include in our master plan. I never said it would be easy, being a parent, nor have I ever said that this dad has all the answers.

(Author’s Note: For my international readers, D’s and F’s refer to poor grades in our schools.)

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Raising Kids Takes a Lot of Luck

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems.

Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Can Families Avoid Playing Favorites?

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

Sitting in Starbuck’s the other day, waiting for my car to be serviced, I sat next to a mom who shared a “dirty little parenting secret.” Her kids, and she and her husband, have “favorites.” She gets along better with their younger child while her husband gets along better with the older child. I believe that this is natural, ubiquitous, and something most parents are ashamed to admit.

The only thing to be ashamed about is if one’s actions show overt favoritism. I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, though I know some religions believe that what is in one’s heart is what matters most. I strongly disagree with that philosophy and believe that what is in our hearts or minds only matters if we act on it. We all have occasional thoughts of doing something that we shouldn’t. When we hold those in check, we’re being responsible. Read more

Stuck Between My Wife and the Kids

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

In every marriage, spouses face an inevitable choice between their children and their spouse. It is a classic dilemma that confronts every couple and one that is inescapable and difficult. It is especially true in second marriages, like mine. I have to admit, it is an ongoing issue in our home and one I’m trying to figure out with the right amount of love and respect shown towards everyone.

Some therapists advise that the husband/wife should always come first. Others, like Dr. Laura, advise to always put the kids first. As with much of her advice, I think it’s too cut-and-dried and doesn’t take into consideration the grays of life. In my case, I was raising my boys alone for several years and the bond we had was deep, plus the hurt from their mom abandoning them was deep and different for each of them.

When I was lucky enough to meet my wife I was initially concerned about whether she would like my children. For that matter, given that she had no children of her own, how would they relate and/or like her? She wasn’t willing to even meet them until we were relatively convinced our relationship was heading somewhere. When they did meet, several months later, it was more or less a love-fest between her and David, while Will had just entered his teens and wasn’t really interested in anything but himself, though thankfully he wasn’t outright hostile to her.

Now the initial reactions and impressions have settled down to normal living and life. And, we got married this past December. The adjustments for everyone have been significant. However, the issue concerning who comes first doesn’t go away and rears its head with certain situations and often confounds me. At these times, I do truly feel stuck between the three people I love most in the world, my two boys and my wife.

A specific example occurred when my wife had a medical emergency, required surgery, and was briefly convalescing at home. Shortly thereafter, Will had a special event to attend, planned far in advance, to which I was the designated driver. Thankfully, David was at home that evening and Lauren was healing well enough that she didn’t require extra attention, or so I thought. I cleared my going to this event with her and she said it was fine.

Ahhh, but again, what a woman says and what she really means requires special translation. She really meant, “Don’t you dare leave me alone.” Dense male that I am, I actually took her at her word. Now, I’m really kidding about this, but the undercurrent is completely true with what she says, what I think it means, and what she really means. It’s a secret language that men are not privileged to learn and necessitates supreme command of linguistics and several higher degrees to achieve.

This brewing storm reached a peak a day or so later, after the event that I took Will to and when it seemed that Lauren was recovering just fine. After all, she was back to her usual cleaning and cooking, though I offered to take her out if she wasn’t up to cooking.

Naïve caveman that I am, I took that behavior as a sign that all was well. However, she expected me to just do it and take her out or bring in food. This fits in that special language I don’t understand. She is right, as that is each spouse’s ultimate obligation. Learn each other’s language vs. remain stubborn and defensively say you didn’t understand what they really meant.

Around this time, I had one of those wish-I-could-take-back-every-word-fights with Will and now my attention was devoted to figuring out what to do about him. I arranged a pow-wow and we worked things out and, in fact, we actually heard each other, because this was a case where we both were at fault. I really believe it’s extremely important for a parent to admit his or her culpability whenever it’s true as it teaches our children humility.

He had a school event that night, but Lauren didn’t want to attend. She was making dinner for us, but I told her I wasn’t sure when the event would end. I said I’d call when I knew, and to assume that we’d be late.

It was later, she was mad, and I found myself completely frustrated at not being able to please her while desperately relieved that Will and I quickly got over our argument and I could support him, by attending his school event.

All this happened the same week–her surgery, the tiff with my son, and on top of that some disappointing business news for me. That was a non-topic as everyone else’s issues took center stage and it seemed I couldn’t please anyone.

I know this is probably about as typical a situation as a family can experience, but it doesn’t make going through it any easier. I also know that a blended family brings extra stresses to all members of the family.

We just lived it and we quickly got past it. My lesson is that I needed to hear her better, which means understanding her language-what her words really mean. I’ve still got some growth ahead of me, I suppose. No, I don’t suppose, I know.
 

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

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