How soon in new relationship to introduce your kids?

This conversation comes up often and the feedback I get is mixed. So I figured it would be a great topic for discussion.

How soon after beginning a new relationship should you introduce your kids?

I have been a big believer in waiting until you are sure the relationship is for real. No need to bring someone into your children’s life  only to have them gone sooner or later. I have been challanged by others who say they do not even want to begin building a serious relationship until they see how they interact with their kids.

What has been your experience and thoughts on this issue?

10 Steps to a Happy, Healthy Remarriage

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Don’t call them deadbeats. Research shows that today’s fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever — an average of nearly three and a half hours a day more than Dads of a few decades ago. Kids and fathers alike are reaping the benefits; more time spent together sows the seeds of closeness. But the flipside of this trend is that it makes divorce more painful for fathers than ever before. As one man I interviewed said, “There are no words to describe the pain of not being able to tuck my kids in every night.”

His dilemma is not uncommon. While dads are increasingly parenting on the front lines, custody is still more or less automatically awarded to mom. “Even when custody is technically joint, dad may get far less time with the kids,” says Texas divorce lawyer Stuart Gagnon. And so they want the time they do get together to be perfect. “I don’t harp on my daughter to pick up her towel since she’s only here for a couple of days,” one dad told me. Another said proudly, “My kids come whenever they want, and when they do, it’s all about them.” Read more

Holidays a time to take high road

By Peter Ehrlich

Special to Single Dad Life

Listen. Can you hear it? The air is so still. And can you see the gathering clouds?

Looks as if a storm is headed right for our sometimes fragile single parent homes and, if not prepared, we’ll be picking up the pieces for a long time. It’s called the holiday season.

You weathered the first storm of the season, the summer holidays, by working out an access agreement that was equitable so your ex didn’t freak out and have to call the lawyers at $250 hour, which neither of you can afford.

Halloween is the start of the holiday season because that’s when we start sharing our children big-time for life’s big moments. (If you’re Jewish, the holiday dysfunction begins at sundown in September.) Read more

Time For John Edwards To Be Single Dad

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

There is a way back for John Edwards but it’s going to take courage and commitment.

Mr. Edwards needs to step up to a microphone and announce to the world, in a clear and unequivocal voice, that he is determined to take on the role and responsibilities associated with being the single father he truly seems to be.
According to press reports, a secret DNA test proved he was the father of the baby he fathered with Ms. Rielle Hunter. And if you look at the baby’s face, it’s obvious - Frances’ father is John Edwards.
Read more

Good Men Step In To Become Dads

By  Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

My single mother collected bottles on Miami Beach for money. I know because she told me.

I was on Google Earth recently to learn more about that “beach-bottle” time. I had a frayed document with the Miami address. After I punched it in, I was beamed down to float right above our Miami apartment.

I hovered over the laneway that my mother had to have walked down to find her bottles. I stared at a great swath of sand at the end of the laneway, sharing the pain, shame and poverty that my mother must have felt. Read more

It’s Too Easy To Wallow In Loneliness

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

How many times have we spent 45 minutes in a video store, only to walk out with nothing but a cloud over our head darker than the one we walked in with? Lot’s I bet? Write me and tell me I’m wrong.

Often, spending Saturday night alone again because our children are away from us and we are lover-less, the only thing we end up renting is a deeper depression.

On a recent weekend this single dad realized that he goes to the video store as much to be with other people as to rent a movie. How pathetic and lonely is that?

I also admit that what propels me to go food shopping is not a hunger for food but rather a hunger to be with other human beings. I’m starving for company. The woman behind the fish counter serving me snapper must wonder why I’m so bloody friendly; to the point of complimenting her on the layout of the fish on the ice.

I don’t need to see a psychiatrist for this evaluation - I’m lonely. Read more

Single Parent Empty Nest Hard On The Heart

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life
I find no sight more poignant these days than the remains of an abandoned bird’s nest. It puts my life into perspective better than any other image, with the exception of my mirror. (”Did I rent my face out or what? Who the hell are you”?).

In a matter of weeks, birds build their nest, teach their children to fly, push them out, and from what I can gather, don’t even bother saying goodbye.

My son is 17 years old. He’s still my baby right? Wrong.

I know that if I were to throw him the keys to his own apartment he wouldn’t hesitate to take them with a “thanks for everything, Dad. We had a lot of fun. I love you. Gotta go.”

Once we’ve decided to give our children wings, we must give them the wings of an eagle, not a sparrow so they can fly as far away as they want to.

When you’re a couple and your child leaves, you still have your partner to talk, explore and make love with.

As a single parent, with no child to care for, no friend to crawl into bed with, we may think we are starting our life all over, but that’s not true. Too much time has passed, too many lessons learned, for us to think living alone now will be as easy as it was when we were single in our 20s.

Back then we could afford psychologically to live alone and take the time to watch a spider struggle to make its way up the wall. Now that moment would hurt - a lot.

To thrive in the “emptiest nest years,” we should force ourselves to be more daring. We need to consider a leap before we look, a proactive approach because we don’t want to be a (single parent) boomer with too many regrets.

Here are a few suggestions how we can better survive the emptiest of nests:

Plan ahead. Don’t avoid thinking about it because you don’t want to face the fact that an empty nest is looming. How does that make you feel? What are you going to do when the time has come?

Forget making a long list of the places you still want to see. Choose one place and start there. Stone circles in Dartmoor with a friend? Just do it.

For years you encouraged your children to keep practicing so they would become proficient at that something. Now it’s your turn. J.K. Rowling said she contemplated suicide while a poor single parent as she suffered from depression. Then she wrote Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Why not you?

If you’re aching for intimacy, find someone worthy, because you’re officially out of excuses. And you can now have sex without worrying about your child popping in.

This may sound horrific, but would it be such a bad thing to move in with another single parent in a similar situation? (Great sitcom potential!)

At the end of the day, single parent empty-nesters should recall Edith Piaf’s courageous code of living: Non, je ne regrette rien.

You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com

Ode to the Nice Guys

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

I came across this rant while stumbling around the net. I thought is was so good, I decided to share it on SDL. Even though the link is no longer valid, I wanted to give it credit.  Would be interesting to read your comments. Enjoy!

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. Read more

Internet Dating 101 and How I Met My Wife

A Dad’s Point-of-View, by Bruce Sallan
Special to Single Dad Life

When I got separated and then divorced six years ago, the world of dating had gone through a change. Internet dating was well underway and the quaint idea of friends introducing you to other friends seemed to have gone the way of the horse and buggy. There were still bars and clubs, but those options didn’t appeal to me when I was young enough to consider them, and when my hearing was still good enough to survive the over-the-top decibels in such environments.

So, it was a brand new world for this middle-aged guy, and Internet dating was the method-du-jour. I had my two young sons full-time so dating of any kind meant babysitters, or meeting during school hours. Later, the issues became how much to disclose to the boys and when and if I should introduce them to a date. Read more

No Excuse Not To Be Involved

By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but 50 per cent of any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.
The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer. Read more

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