Single Dad Life - Single and Divorced Dad Support and Advice|Single Parent and Divorced Parent Support and Advice » barryk

How soon in new relationship to introduce your kids?

barryk — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 13:24:10 +0000

This conversation comes up often and the feedback I get is mixed. So I figured it would be a great topic for discussion.

How soon after beginning a new relationship should you introduce your kids?

I have been a big believer in waiting until you are sure the relationship is for real. No need to bring someone into your children’s life only to have them gone sooner or later. I have been challanged by others who say they do not even want to begin building a serious relationship until they see how they interact with their kids.

What has been your experience and thoughts on this issue?

Misinformation From the Stepmothering Industry

barryk — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:18:38 +0000

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish.

Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say:

Remember that his kids will always come first.

Leave the disciplining to him.

You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t.

With patience and love, they will come around.

The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right.

For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial (see chapter 6). It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships.

The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them.

Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations.

For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her.

If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.”

“Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging.

As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out.

Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice.

What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority.

I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me.

Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them (see chapter 4). Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what?

The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd.

It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? – expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is.

Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far.

You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t.

We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk.

The above is an excerpt from the book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Author Bio
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.
A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Raising Kids Takes a Lot of Luck

barryk — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:58:37 +0000

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems.

Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Is Someday Going To Be Your Best Day

barryk — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:15:09 +0000

Is someday going to be your best day? I came across those words while reading a book by John Maxwell “Put Your Dream to the Test“

The book was actually given to me as a gift by my friend Mark. He invited me to lunch to catch up, and he had an extra copy of the book and he felt I would appreciate it. No strings attached. He just knew it would strike a chord with me. Giving without expecting anything in return. The ultimate and most meaningful gift.

He was right. John Maxwell is one of my favorite authors. I could not put the book down. But this one paragraph made me pause and think. I’m sure you have had those moments.

Here is what he wrote. ” To really live the journey is what matters. If you become fixated on a destination, even a dream destination, you can miss all the great things that happen along the way. And, you miss the joy of today. If you’re convinced that someday is going to be your best day, you won’t put enough into today, or get enough out of it”.

How many of you, myself included, have thought , ” when I have more money”, or “when I get that dream car”, or for some, “when I find that someone special”, ” when I, when I when I”.

Meanwhile, life passes by and we live in the someday I will be happy. Funny thing is once you finally acquire what you have dreamed about, there always seems to be another distant, “someday when I have that”.

Earl Nightingale in his award-winning and renown program “Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret“, spoke of living with an Attitude of Gratitude. If you remind yourself daily to appreciate what you have and be thankful, he said, life can be abundant.

All the great authors and teachers seem to share this same philosophy. There has got to be something to it.

One life. That is all you get. I am not saying it is easy. I will not stand in front of you and say I don’t have those moments or down days.

But I think if you can try and live with an attitude of gratitude and not wait for someday, today has a chance to be your best day.

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Why Teens Need Dads

barryk — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:19:21 +0000

By: Ben Murphy

When our kids are young they think we dads are gods (well, for the most part anyway). We’re smart, strong, handsome… it’s really nice, isn’t it? But, come the teen years things can get complicated despite the best of intentions. The “because I’m your father, that’s why” argument no longer holds much water and we realize that some of the only clout we have in our teen’s lives is the consistent time we’ve invested in them growing up.

As the teenage years progress, there are times that your child will open up and share things with you, and times that they won’t – even if you have a great relationship. Perhaps it’s helpful to understand why teens need their fathers, and what you can do to deepen that relationship.

Fathers are a boy’s role model for how to be (or not to be) a man. It’s been said “link a boy to the right man and he seldom goes wrong.” There’s an awful lot of truth in that and, ideally, a boy’s father should be that man. Whether you like or not, you are probably the #1 influencer on what kind of man your son becomes. Make sure you’re a positive influence. Model for your son what you’d like him to be. Model how he should treat women by how you treat your wife and daughter. Whether it seems to be sinking in or not, he is paying attention to how you are a man and it will influence him deeply.

Fathers are a girl’s benchmark for how they should be treated. Want your daughter to think highly of herself and expect others to do the same? Than treat her that way. Girls learn relationship and love and respect from their fathers; both how their fathers treat them and their mother. There’s not a more formative time for this perception than during the teenage years. Girls learn how they should be treated by how their dads treat them. Show your daughter how she ought to be treated, and instill in her high expectations of herself and how others should treat her as well.

Time is probably the most critical aspect of your influence on your teen. Kids figure out pretty quickly that their dad is a busy guy. That’s why your time means so much to them. Your teen needs you to spend time with them. They probably won’t tell you that, but they do. If you don’t spend time with them, they simply can’t learn from you. And, just being in the room doesn’t count. We all have crazy schedules and there are many things vying for our time, but time with our kids should be quality and undistracted. Turn off the blackberry and give your teen your attention. And set aside reliable time to spend with your kids.

Welcome your teen’s friends. As frightening as it sounds, studies have consistently shown that parents do not have as much influence over their children as their children’s friends do. So, know their friends. Make your home an inviting place for them all to hang out. There’s no substitute for knowing your child’s friends and having them in your home as opposed to having them out-and-about running loose (and you stressing about it). Granted, you need to give your child their freedom, but make your home a place they can always have friends over… make sure your child and their friends know that your home is a safe place they are always welcome to come and hang out. Friends are absolutely formative to a teen’s world and you being part of that creates a better relationship with your children.

Ask the questions you know are on their mind. Teens don’t often express what they want to ask you, but if you’ve spent any time with your child, you can probably sense it. They need you as a sounding board for guidance and advice. Raise the questions you know they want to ask.

Let your teen make some choices. Within reason, give them some leeway to make choices, even if they’re awkward for you. Let them pick what’s on the radio in the car, where you grab dinner, a project to tackle together, or where to take a vacation. Remember that what seems like a little decision to you may seem like a big decision to your teen. Allow them the satisfaction of knowing you trust them enough to do so.

Ben Murphy is the Founder and CEO of TheFatherLife.com, an online men’s magazine for dads. He lives in New York State with his wife and two daughters.

Pep Talk Videos by The Comeback Coach

barryk — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 11:13:37 +0000

Single Dad Life is proud to have Mark McIntosh as a contributor to the website. His Pep Talks are a great resource for single dads.

Take a few minutes and let The Comeback Coach motivate you to new heights.

“Last Chance Harvey’s Lesson”

In this week’s Pep Talk video, inspired by a movie with a strong message of perseverance, the Comeback Coach encourages you to never give up despite the challenges life throws your way.

“Trust the Vibration”

In this week’s Pep Talk video the Comeback Coach, inspired by his daughter’s words, recalls a moment in his life that he hopes encourages you to operate from courage and wonderment, not fear and self doubt.

A Conversation with the Founder & Editor

barryk — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:27:57 +0000

Yesterday, I was interviewed by Joanie Winberg, on Blogtalkradio.com/Single Again. She is also the of Founder of The National Association of Divorce for Women and Children- www.NADWC.com.

What a wonderful experience. Joanie was so easy to talk to and it really felt like we were just having a conversation. I look forward to working with her on more projects in the future.

I think you will enjoy the discussion. Just click on the BlogTalk Radio logo below and give a few moments for it to load. The interview lasts for about 30 minutes.

I would be very interested in reading your feedback. Thanks for listening and I appreciate you stopping by!

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Single Dad Of The Year

barryk — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 03:58:46 +0000

We searched for just the right single dad to be our inaugural Single Dad Life, Single Dad Of The Year. No one is more deserving than our winner. He is a shining example of doing whatever it takes to support, love, and nurture their child.

Our winner adopted his newborn son, Joseph, at the age of 45.

As a special teams coach in the NFL, he shows how a man involved day to day, in such a physical and often violent game on the field, can be caring and sensitive towards his son off the field.

If the pull between the long hours and being a single dad wasn’t difficult enough, he would soon learn his toddler was autistic. The initial doctor’s report did not have a positive outlook. Joseph would need adult supervision his entire life and might never learn to speak. After seeking a second opinion, he learned that with intensive intervention, it is possible for autistic children to overcome many hurdles and make terrific advances.

Just as in football, he diagrammed a strategy to help his son.

Today he loves to spread his message of hope to families with autism, and is very active with Autism Speaks and All Pro Dad. He is inspiring and moving when he speaks to others about the joys and responsibilities of being a parent.

Please join with Single Dad Life and congratulate our winner Joe Marciano, special teams coach in the NFL for the Houston Texans , and our first Single Dad Of The Year Winner!

Read the complete story at Joe Marciano’s story in a Sporting News story

Are You a “Positive” Coach?

barryk — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:14:37 +0000

By Kathy Toon

Being involved with youth sports, I enjoy reading articles and insights from coaches and trainers. One of my favorites is Coach Kathy Toon. I strongly recommend you visit her site. Great articles and philosophies on all aspects of sports.

Since I work with the Positive Coaching Alliance , this article by Coach Toon struck a chord.

Are You A “Positive Coach”

A seemingly simple question. Yet when asked whether he was a “positive” or a “negative” coach, one of my coaching mentors replied, “neither, rather I am an honest one”. He went on to say “I feel that the connotations for “positive” are the whole hovering helicopter parent phenomenon and the give trophies to everyone movement. The always give positive feedback movement has not been a good one for our kids.”

Now, many of you know I worked for the Positive Coaching Alliance (PCA) for 8 years and remain a senior trainer for the organization. My mentor’s comments made me pause. I thought back to my first introduction to PCA – an article in the SF Chronicle featuring Phil Jackson. I still remember my eyes rolling when I first read the phrase “positive coaching” and thinking that’s for little kids. I’m a college coach. Still to this day, I describe myself as a “challenging” coach vs a positive one.

Next, my curiosity drove me to Webster’s. What does the word “positive” actually mean? I discovered 17 different entries! Number 3 dealt with mind set so I started there. It reads a) “having the mind set or settled; confident; assured [a positive person] b) overconfident or dogmatic”.

Here in lies the rub. As coaches we want our athletes to be confident and assured yet not overconfident. I guess what really matters is what a coach is, not what they are called.

What kind of coach are you?

For more great informaton visit Coach Toon

Has Justice Been Served With Plaxico Burress?

barryk — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 13:19:58 +0000

Plaxico Burress, the former N.Y. Giants wide receiver, accepted a plea bargain for a 2 year sentence in prison.

It is hard not to compare his case to two other recent high profile athletes. Michael Vick’s, well covered and documented case, on his cruel and abusive treatment of animals and dog fighting and Donte Stallworth’s, the wide receiver for the Cleveland Browns, DUI manslaughter verdict.

Michael Vick served a 18 months in a jail cell for his crime. Donte Stallworth, who took another man’s life crossing the street while driving drunk, can walk after serving only 24 days.Plaxico Buress, who broke the strict New York gun laws, and then proceeded to shoot himself in the leg, received a 2 year sentence.

Does this seem surprisingly long to you or was justice served? What is your take on these cases and what lessons can we share with our kids?