How Stealing An Ink Cartridge Was A Test

Late yesterday afternoon I stole an ink cartridge from Staples. Sounds terrible right? Well, I think I was being tested. Let me explain.

I am not going to get into a deeply religious diatribe here, but I have been doing some reading recently. I will explain in more detail in a future post.

Part of this reading has also included books by John Wooden, the legendary basketball coach for UCLA. The initial book Coach Wooden One-on-One: Inspiring Conversations on Purpose, Passion and the Pursuit of Success, was recommended to me by Ray Lokar @CoachLok who I connected with on twitter. It has had a big influence on me. One of the statements I read that I constantly come back to is ” You do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do.”

Back to my theft at Staples.

I was working in my home office and went to print out a document. It came out blank. I tried again. Same result. I knew I couldn’t be out of ink because I just bought a new extra-large black cartridge about a month ago.  I checked my ink level status and sure enough it showed empty. I was annoyed and just knew this was not possible. I figured the cartridge I purchased was defective. I  grabbed it out of my printer, found my receipt and quickly drove off to Staples.

I explained to the associate at the customer service desk and he took my story to the store manager. A minute or two later he came back and even though he looked at me with a skeptical eye, he handed me a new cartridge as an exchange. He told me the next time I would have to go direct to the manufacturer.

I noticed at the checkout that I had been given a regular sized black cartridge instead of the extra-large that was on my receipt. The cartridge I handed to the orginal clerk did seem to be the same size so rather than make another complaint, I just accepted the exchange and left.

As I was driving home, I just had this feeling that something wasn’t right. Why did the cartridge I gave the clerk not appear larger? Why did the price at the register not seem high enough? The irony is when I purchased the ink originally I had only planned on replacing my color cartridges. But since I needed to purchase $75 or more of ink to use my $10 off coupon, I purchased the extra-large black replacement.

When I returned to my office, I decided to check my drawers. There it was.  The unopened XL black cartridge box!

Apparently, I never replaced the black because it wasn’t empty at the time. I had only replaced the color. That explained why the black ink  “appeared” to run out so fast.

So now I had a decision.  After all, Staples would never know. It was an honest mistake on my part. Haven’t you ever found something in your bag, an extra french fry or a packet of gum your young child placed in your cart after checkout?

As I stood looking at the new cartridge in my hand the words “ you do the right thing, because it is the right thing to do” flashed. 

……..The store manager looked at me with astonishment in his eyes. He thanked me several times for being so honest. 

The feeling I felt as I left the store will last much longer then the ink in the cartridge.

Have you ever been in a similar situation?  Tell me how you felt or how you handled it.

What Single Dads Can Learn From Coach John Wooden

I am a huge fan of coach John Wooden.  I am currently reading my second book  written by him Wooden: A Lifetime of Observations and Reflections on and Off the Court . His messages are very inspiring to me.

In one section he discusses the topic of bad apples. Basically it follows the idea that in any profession or group there is a tiny percentage of bad apples. The percentage never really changes but they are always there. The percentage of good apples is always large. We just never hear about them.

This got me thinking about the single mom and single dad discussions.

I believe the overwhelming majority in these groups are good.  But the ones that get most of the attention are the bad apples. This is especially true in the online discussions. Over the years, the small percentage of bad apples in the single dad category smothered the voices of the great ones.  The door is beginning to crack open a bit to let these stories out, but we still have a  long way to go.

We would all be a lot better off if we followed some additional advice by John Wooden.  ‘”Be quick to praise, and slow to critisize.”

What do you think? Have a few bad apples made it tougher on the good ones? What can be done to change it?

When Do You Stop Being A Single Dad?

Recently,  I was forwarded a terrific article by a friend and contributor Peter Ehrlich. The article is called The Disease Called Perfection,  originally posted by Dan on his  blog Single Dad Laughing.

If you read the article you should agree it is a great thought provoking piece. As I continued to review the website I found great posts on a variety of topics. I recommend you visit this terrific site often. It will be worth it.

However, I have begun to feel a disconnect towards articles I find on single dad websites about potty training, kids homework, ex issues, dating hotties, etc. 

I remarried two years ago which was a major change. But I still connect with being a single dad. I will always feel the need to stand firm with single dads getting the respect they deserve.

This fall my youngest daughter went off to college. I now seem a bit lost.

After 10 years of being a full time single dad of three, they are all gone.  Sure, they will come home for breaks and holidays, but that is just to visit now.

So though it may seem I am depressed, I am not. At times  I do drift off and picture them in their younger years.  But it  is not as much of an empty nest issue as a  ” Who am I really?”

I read a quote recently that stated, ” Life is easy and fun when you start being who you really are instead of what others think you should be.”

Who do I want to be? That is the question I need to explore. 

Have you ever had this dialog with yourself?  Do you ever question your true purpose? 

The Middle School Syndrome

A Dad’s Point-of-View

by Bruce Sallan

My “A Dad’s Point-of-View” column is carried all over the world and one of the wonderful peripheral benefits I receive is “virtually” meeting so many wonderful editors, publishers, and web-masters. One of them is Jennifer Jurgens, the news director/executive assistant, at wyomingnetwork.com. They have 17 community websites across Wyoming. She is also a wonderful and involved mom. Recently, she wrote to me asking some questions that related to her daughter beginning middle school. Well, to be more accurate, she was suggesting that these questions (a.k.a. issues) could be the basis for one of my columns.

Unlike the “Empty Nest Syndrome,” that is well known, documented, and ubiquitously written about, the “Middle School Syndrome” is my term for what I believe is a newer “syndrome.” This column will bring this reality out from the shadows where it has lurked! To be clear, the term “Middle School Syndrome” is mine and it is based on my experiences and those of parents that I know. I suspect it is widespread, but I’m sure it is not present in every community and every school district.

It all begins today with pre-school, which was known as “nursery school” when I attended. It was a simple affair when I attended. We played. And, then we played some more. Now, in some exclusive regions of our country, the parents have to beg and show their financial statements to get their precious darlings into the pre-school du jour.

Thus, the school journey begins and it has become much more complicated than in the past. As we know all too well, our country’s budget problems have caused numerous cutbacks in schools nationwide. Programs that were standard when I attended primary school, like sports, music, “shops” (e.g. wood, metal, and auto), are largely gone or have been relegated to after-school and parent-supported activities.

Plus, class-size and budget cuts have resulted in much more active recruitment by the schools of parent volunteers and much more political and clique-driven parent-teacher associations, run mostly by the SAHMs (Stay-At-Home-Moms).

Many of these women came from the business world and bring that energy, enthusiasm, and drive to these parent-teacher groups.

I became the SAHD (Stay-At-Home-Dad) for my two boys during the early days of their elementary school education and, later, became the 24/7 parent when my first wife and I separated and later divorced. During those years, I was thrust into the different and strange world of these parent-teacher organizations. Dads were few and far between. I was treated with a sort of distant tolerance but it quickly became clear that these moms did not want a man in their midst.

At first, I found this a bit hurtful but later understood that the basic gender differences and interests were largely what motivated my isolation from the inner-core of these parent groups. I chose to volunteer directly in my boys’ classes, give my donated funds directly to their teachers, and thus actually got more personal benefit, satisfaction, and value for my money and time.

It was abundantly clear to me that the parent role in elementary school had undergone a significant and distinct change in the past decade or two. No longer were parents invited to attend just a “back-to-school” day or occasional assembly. Now there were monthly assemblies, regular fund-raisers, and constant demands for time and money from the parents.

I took particular ironic pleasure in these assemblies where, over the course of the school year, every kid in every class would eventually “earn” an award. In the name of self-esteem, these awards naturally lost any value they might have otherwise had. But, it was a regular opportunity for the parents to take video and photos of their “darlings” and another opportunity for the elite of the parent-teacher organizations to stand up and speak on behalf of all the parents and on behalf of the school fund-raising efforts.

So, parents now had new jobs. They helped run their kids’ schools, raise the funds to meet their school’s budgets, and began having a say in much more of their kid’s education than had ever occurred before. Naturally, it filled that work need that so many of these former career-driven moms had forsaken for the role and job of mom. In other words, it took on too much importance in their lives and became too much a part of their identity.

Now we get to the heart of the matter and why I think that we have “the middle school syndrome.” The reason is simply that the middle schools pretty much banish the parents and actually run themselves. So, these parents who were taking such pride, pleasure, and job satisfaction from the seven years of elementary school participation all of a sudden find themselves “jobless.”

So, as my friend Jennifer suggested in her letter to me on this subject, she was trying to figure out her new role, now that her daughter had begun middle school. I responded that her new role was age-old; she now was just going to have to settle for being her daughter’s mother, rather than her political advocate and parent-teacher advisor at her school. And that, my friends, is the sum and substance of “the middle school syndrome”–moms and dads having to settle for just raising their children, teaching them their values, monitoring their activities, and letting the schools take care of their offspring’s education.

Lesson? Let go. Be the best mom or dad you can be. And, maybe, take up golf.

Please listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like Tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com). Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 100 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView. You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.

How soon in new relationship to introduce your kids?

This conversation comes up often and the feedback I get is mixed. So I figured it would be a great topic for discussion.

How soon after beginning a new relationship should you introduce your kids?

I have been a big believer in waiting until you are sure the relationship is for real. No need to bring someone into your children’s life  only to have them gone sooner or later. I have been challanged by others who say they do not even want to begin building a serious relationship until they see how they interact with their kids.

What has been your experience and thoughts on this issue?

Misinformation From the Stepmothering Industry

By Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.

Books for stepmothers tend to perpetuate certain myths. The myth of the blended family and the myth of the maternal stepmother are the most glaring examples. These books’ relentlessly upbeat tone can make stepmothers feel as though our own occasional negativity and impatience regarding his kids are freakish.

Other books on stepmothering are so lighthearted, so insistent that we see the humor in our situation and in our responses to it, that reading them feels suspiciously like being told that our concerns don’t matter and that we just need to lighten up. But the real problem with many books for stepmothers is not what they imply, but what they actually say:

• Remember that his kids will always come first.

• Leave the disciplining to him.

• You will regret it forever if you lose your temper or say something nasty to your stepchildren, so whatever you do, don’t.

• With patience and love, they will come around.

The fact that these directives have become a virtual mantra, the unassailable golden rules of stepmothering does not mean that they are right.

For example, a number of stepfamily experts concur that in a remarriage with children, giving the couple relationship priority is crucial (see chapter 6). It may jar us to learn that our concept that “the kids are the most important thing” is misguided, even destructive to our partnerships.

The ideas that you should be second and should accept it, that his kids came first chronologically and so are first in his heart, and that his believing and acting on these ideas makes him a good person are powerful, deeply ingrained beliefs. But all of them can be fatal for the remarriage with children. They are even bad for the children, giving them an uncomfortable amount of power and focusing an undue amount of attention and pressure on them.

Andrew Gotzis, M.D., a New York City psychiatrist and therapist who works with couples, echoed the advice of a number of marriage counselors when he told me, “In a remarriage with children, the hierarchy of the family needs to be established quickly and clearly. The kids need to know that the husband and wife come first and that they are a unified team.” Otherwise, Dr. Gotzis cautioned, the kids can split the couple apart and create tension in the marriage indefinitely.

To remarried couples with children, the scenario of kids turning to Dad when Stepmom has said no, or vice versa, in an attempt to split the team is all too familiar. A woman with stepchildren may exhaust herself with her attempts to resolve such situations.

For this reason, sociologist Linda Nielsen notes that a woman with stepchildren will have more success when she adopts the attitude “My main goal and my main focus is to build an intimate, fulfilling relationship with my husband and to take better care of my own needs, not to bond with or win the approval of my stepchildren.” Nielsen notes that a shift like this cannot happen in a vacuum; the woman’s partner needs to be on the same page with her.

If the marriage is to work, Nielsen insists, “her husband has to be committed to creating a [partnership] around which his children revolve rather than a marriage that revolves around his children. Especially when his children dislike their stepmother, the father has to make it clear that the kids will not be handed the power or given the precedence over his marriage.”

“Things didn’t improve until I let my daughter know that, even though I loved her, my ultimate loyalty was to my wife,” one man who had survived a rocky early remarriage with children observed. We can only imagine the resultant fireworks in that household. But the outcome was a stronger marriage. This in turn gave his daughter proof that marriages can last. It also replaced what could have become profound confusion about her unchecked power in the family with a sense of secure belonging.

As for the advice “Leave the disciplining to him,” whoever said it never went to a home while the stepkids were visiting and their father was out.

Certainly, no one is saying to step right in and start issuing orders to your stepkids in your first days and weeks together — and few of us are likely to do that, fearing that we will be perceived as wicked. But what works in theory — you should hold back more or less indefinitely so that you don’t seem like the villain, backing up your husband rather than doing things yourself — doesn’t always work in practice.

What happens when a stepchild does something that crosses the line but hubby isn’t around? Are you to sit on your hands and bite your tongue rather than issue a firm “That’s not okay, and you know it”? Moreover, firsthand experience has often demonstrated that the longer a woman with stepchildren waits, the harder it is for her ever to draw the line or be taken seriously as an adult with authority.

I can attest to this fact. Because I was more or less a fraidy cat in the first year of my marriage, I had to be a tiger for the subsequent two or three years, as my stepdaughters still occasionally tried to walk all over me, just to see if they could. This was hardly their fault; I waited ages to take a stand about things such as snide remarks, dumping suitcases in the middle of the floor, and ignoring me.

Sometimes it is easier and smarter to ignore a stepchild’s annoying habit, to decline to get involved in an emotion-charged discussion over her sweet sixteen party, or to be the voice of reason when planning her wedding. A number of women with stepchildren have found that “disengaging” is, in some situations, far and away the best strategy for them (see chapter 4). Other times, ignoring bad behavior just feels like being stepped on and creates a breeding ground for more resentment. And then what?

The culture at large is eager to gloss over women’s anger in general, and advice for stepmothers in particular is full of warnings that if we express it, the consequences will be dire and irreversible. This strikes me as absurd.

It would be the rare stepchild who never went through a phase of wanting to provoke his or her stepmom. Of course we lose our tempers, inevitably. And although it can feel catastrophic — What if they hate me? What if they think I’m wicked? – expressing our anger is, in my opinion, something we should do sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we risk setting the bar too impossibly high for everyone and creating a situation in which kids, teens, or even adult stepchildren go on pushing our buttons forever in an attempt to see where our limit is.

Most of all, we need to learn as soon as possible — to experience firsthand — that being disliked is an occupational hazard for stepmothers, not a referendum on our worth. “Dad’s girlfriend Laura yelled at us once in the car,” my stepdaughter told me solemnly in our early days together. I didn’t know exactly why she was telling me this, but I knew how Laura must have felt, and I admired her for letting the girls know when she thought they’d gone too far.

You’re not my mother! Most of us fear that it is yelling or disciplining or losing our tempers or not being nice enough or patient enough or selfless enough that will keep our husbands’ children from accepting us or drive them away. If only we had so much control. Instead, unrealistic expectations about blending and being maternal, difficult developmental stages, competition that is largely inevitable and unavoidable, misinformation about stepmothering, and a host of other factors play a bigger role in the way a reconfigured family group coheres — or doesn’t.

We are not, in fact, their mothers. Happily ever after and happiness all around are ideals — unlikely ones at that, even in traditional nuclear families. Eventually, we may find that we have arrived at a place of comfort, familiarity, and real pleasure with our husbands’ kids. But if our happiness is contingent on his kids being happy for us, being happy with us, and loving us, then we have given away our greatest power and put everything at risk.

The above is an excerpt from the book Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Copyright © 2009 Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do

Author Bio
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: a New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychologytoday.com) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own web site (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today, and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster is a finalist in the parenting category of this year’s “Books for a Better Life” award.
A stepmother for nearly a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Raising Kids Takes a Lot of Luck

A Dad’s Point-of-View

By Bruce Sallan

Raising kids, like many things in life, involves many factors but luck is a key factor. I’ve faced recent reminders about this when I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a young man with severe learning disabilities, whose parents had the poor luck that he had these problems.

Or, the recent visit from my best friend who shared a conversation he just had with his wife in which they were each trying to figure out what they did wrong that resulted in their three adult children lacking any career focus in their lives. And, finally, the two men I know who are suffering the horrors of dealing with late teen or young adult drug addicts.

In the world of show business, to illustrate another world and example, do you really think the big stars in Hollywood are the most talented? While I love Jennifer Lopez and do indeed think she is quite talented, there was a certain degree of luck that they were making a movie about the life of Selena when J.Lo was just beginning her career. If her first movie had been a flop, would we be seeing her in every celebrity magazine?

As a former showbiz veteran, I often said it requires two things to succeed: “talent and luck.” Other showbiz examples are numerous, going back to when Lana Turner was discovered having ice cream on a stool at the long gone Schwab’s drugstore on Sunset Boulevard. in Hollywood. It may have been a legend, but there are plenty of those stories that are true.

I maintain that luck is a huge factor in parenting. The two families that I know who are suffering the ongoing terrors of having a child who is an addict are among the most stable, loving, and wholesome families I know. These are not families of divorce and they each have a stay-at-home loving mom, an involved dad, financial security, religious values, etc. Yet, I know both couples are constantly berating themselves over what they might have done differently. In their minds loving their children, apparently was not enough.

Bunk! There is luck in life. I feel lucky to have gone to college when I did and to have had the entertainment career that I had. Neither would be possible now, with the grades I had and the nature of showbiz today. I also feel lucky that I was born in the U.S., to wonderful loving parents, that I’ve always had my health, and I’ve had more than my share of good fortune along the way. I just as easily could have been born in a third-world country, with various health problems, and poverty and hunger as a way of life.

No, luck is a big factor for all of us. I also believe we can influence and make our own luck by working hard, developing our talent, and when we are in that right place at that right time, knowing we’re prepared to take advantage of it. J.Lo probably did the greatest audition ever for the role of Selena. Yes, the timing of it was luck, but she developed her talent to take advantage of the opportunity.

I got in showbiz the same way, turning a fortuitous meeting into my first job and using some knowledge I had about my future boss’s best friend and associate to ingratiate myself with him and make him laugh. It was luck that I met him and good prep that I knew whom he knew.

But, with parenting, we cannot beat ourselves up for how our children turn out. We can help, we can guide, and we can instruct, but ultimately they will grow up and make their own decisions. If their friends are into drugs or drinking, will they have the strength to withstand that peer pressure? I hope we’ve raised our children to say “No,” but only time will tell.

The irony is that I do believe we can mess up our kids easier than we can make them into model citizens. It is sort of like how one bad driver can cause a mess of trouble for a whole freeway of good drivers. Poor parenting does more damage than good parenting does good. I still urge all parents to give, do, and love their children to the very best of their abilities.

I used to read to my sons almost every night when they were young. I patted myself on the back at being such a great dad when they both spontaneously began to read in Kindergarten. What a great job I had done, or so I thought. I later learned of many other parents, my friends, who read just as much or more than I did and whose children had all sorts of difficulties learning to read. It made me re-think my contributions to their spontaneous reading. I’m sure my reading didn’t hurt, but how much it helped is unknown.

The same applies to all the good things we do as parents. I still believe strongly that I’d rather stack the deck in our favor by making every effort I can to instruct, model, and otherwise instill good habits and values in my kids. I know just by reading the paper or watching the news how much luck impacts everyone’s lives. Right now, I have to unilaterally declare that I’ve had a big pile of luck. I just hope it continues as the boys grow up.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 16 and 13. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend and join his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” group. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Is Someday Going To Be Your Best Day

Is someday going to be your best day? I came across those words while reading a book by John Maxwell “Put Your Dream to the Test“

The book was actually given to me as a gift by my friend Mark.  He invited me to lunch to catch up, and he had an extra copy of the book and he felt I would appreciate it. No strings attached. He  just knew it would strike a chord with me.  Giving without expecting anything in return. The ultimate and most meaningful gift.

He was right. John Maxwell is one of my favorite authors.  I could not put the book down. But this one paragraph made me pause and think. I’m sure you have had those moments.

Here is what he wrote. ” To really live the journey is what matters. If you become fixated on a destination, even a dream destination, you can miss all the great things that happen along the way. And, you miss the joy of today. If you’re convinced that someday is going to be your best day, you won’t put enough into today, or get enough out of it”.

How many of you, myself included, have thought , ” when I have more money”, or “when I get that dream car”, or for some, “when I find that someone special”, ” when I, when I when I”.

Meanwhile, life passes by and we live in the someday  I will be happy. Funny thing is once you finally acquire what you have dreamed about, there always seems to be another distant, “someday when I have that”.

Earl Nightingale in his award-winning and renown program “Earl Nightingale’s The Strangest Secret“, spoke of living with an Attitude of Gratitude. If you remind yourself daily to appreciate what you have and be thankful, he said,  life can be abundant.

All the great authors and teachers seem to share this same philosophy.  There has got to be something to it.

One life.  That is all you get. I am not saying it is easy. I will not stand in front of you and say I don’t have those moments or down days.

But I think if you can try and live with an attitude of gratitude and not wait for someday, today has a chance to be your best day.

Why Teens Need Dads

By: Ben Murphy
 
When our kids are young they think we dads are gods (well, for the most part anyway). We’re smart, strong, handsome… it’s really nice, isn’t it? But, come the teen years things can get complicated despite the best of intentions. The “because I’m your father, that’s why” argument no longer holds much water and we realize that some of the only clout we have in our teen’s lives is the consistent time we’ve invested in them growing up.

As the teenage years progress, there are times that your child will open up and share things with you, and times that they won’t – even if you have a great relationship. Perhaps it’s helpful to understand why teens need their fathers, and what you can do to deepen that relationship. Read more

Pep Talk Videos by The Comeback Coach

Single Dad Life is proud to have Mark McIntosh as a contributor to the website. His Pep Talks are a great resource for single dads.

Take a few minutes and let The Comeback Coach motivate you to new heights.

“Last Chance Harvey’s Lesson”

In this week’s Pep Talk video, inspired by a movie with a strong message of perseverance, the Comeback Coach encourages you to never give up despite the challenges life throws your way.

“Trust the Vibration”

In this week’s Pep Talk video the Comeback Coach, inspired by his daughter’s words, recalls a moment in his life that he hopes encourages you to operate from courage and wonderment, not fear and self doubt.

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