Haunted by ExSex
March 3, 2010 by admin
Filed under Dating & Sex, Life of Leisure
By Peter Ehrlich
I’m haunted by my Ex Katherine. Not by that went wrong with our relationship, but what went right with our relationship – our love life.
After being laid naked, fetal-positioned, paralyzed, and wanting by our breakup, I want to attempt a sequel with my Ex. I am willing to work harder on our vertical life together for the sake of getting back to our spectacular horizontal life together. How much harder? I am willing to change.
But am I being naïve? Or is a fulfilling love life worth fighting extra hard for? Should I be happy with what I had, count my blessings and move on?
Katherine and I were two completely different people with two completely different sets of values. Katherine was whimsical, perky and light-hearted defined by a Martha Stuart palette of powder blues, pinks and floral arrangements.
Until Katherine came along, I didn’t know what the word whimsical meant. The word came up when she tried to tell me what kind of stuff she liked in her home. I actually had to ask her to explain the word whimsical to me.
Once I understood its meaning, I knew that I was the Anti-Christ of whimsical. I gravitate towards mute colours and images that were popular in the Middle Ages –gentle brown tones of mud mixed in with a dollop of existential or “*Eeyorian” angst. (*Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh)
I am more “whimsi-bleak” or “whimsi- the world is a *charnel house” kind of guy. (*Reference = Samual Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.)
I suppose if I asked Katherine what a charnel house was, she would reply, “Oh goody, I’m in the mood for a barbeque.”
Her Hugh Grant, Sandra Bullock-type film choices represented somewhat of a counterpoint to my Stalingrad, The Wehrmacht in Russia, Sin City or Gladiator preferences.
And finally, she loved her two cats the way I love my son, but my attitude towards pets (or people) is; if you can’t flush the toilet, get the hell out!
And so, you would think that breaking up with this woman would be a simple matter. Once broken up, I wouldn’t have to worry about my testicles being slashed by her jealous cats and I could watch whatever movie I wanted in my brown living room.
But it hasn’t been a simple matter. In fact, it’s been living hell. Sometimes I lay on the floor, unable to focus on much. Well, I can do this; Face flattened on the floor, I try to differentiate between the carpet fibres and carpet mites.
Why so f***ed up? My Ex and I may not have been soul mates (whatever the hell that is) but we sure as hell were once-in-a-lifetime sexmates.
Together Katherine and I had a wonderful, unabashed, deeply connected love life that was framed by a natural and mutual caring and trust.
Horizontal we were a match made in heaven and the relationship was effortless. Unfortunately, vertically, we were at odds and the relationship took work. We had a lot of fun together, a lot of laughs, and travelled well together, but our relationship, like many, could only succeed if you “checked in” a lot because we were very different kinds of people, defined by a different set of values.
But I didn’t check in a lot and we dissolved.
Here’s the conundrum. In any relationship, there is always something “qualitative” about the nature of your union. Consequently, there is always room for a sense of doubt. For example, “she does this well, but doesn’t do that well. He makes me happy this way, but not in that way”, etc. etc.
However, when you have a great love life together, that’s not qualitative, it’s absolute! And isn’t absoluteness exactly what we crave in our relationships? Extreme pleasure is absolute and addictive and life seems too short to live without it. Try harder I say.
So here’s the question-how far should we go to try to make a relationship work because you have a great sex life with your partner?
If you’re waiting for me to come up with an answer, forget it.
I haven’t a clue right now. I’m still talking to carpet mites.
How much do I miss sex with the Ex? Let me put it this way; “Katherine darling, it’s done. I’ve piled up all my brown furniture in the backyard together with my testosterone/war-themed DVDs. Got a match?”
Yes, I’m willing to compromise and try to have another go at our relationship, because a day doesn’t pass when I don’t think of my Ex, the road trips, the laughs and of course, our love life.
“Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about.” I read that from a stranger’s page on Facebook that was devoted to the millions of us suffering from a broken heart.
There’s another reason why I’m thinking of making contact with my Ex again. These words drifted into my head after I made a half-hearted effort to spend time with someone else; “After he kissed someone new, he found himself unintentionally whispering his Ex’s name, out loud, as if he were accepting the moment as a penance for his sins, rather than the celebration of life it was supposed to be.”
Just because I lie on the carpet floor, talk to mites and hear voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m haunted by my Ex does it?
Of course it does.
Feel free to contact Peter at peter@geronimocode.com
to tell him your own haunting story.
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I’ve got to say, being extremely opposite works well for my wife and I. We both continue to discover new things about each other, and are exposed to things we would never contemplate solo. I would try to put the perspective on it that it has to be a compromise. She wants to see another romantic comedy, great, next movie you pick. Balance, compromise (not of your morals, but of the things that don’t really matter), and the view of learning new things instead of clinging to what you know would be really helpful.
JJ, great insightful first comment and I am honoured by it.
Peter
No it means you should get your ass off the floor and get a life!! Too the the old saying” you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone” is so applicable to you!!
Sorry to be cliche, but “time heals all wounds”, so just keep your self busy in the meantime until your next sexual match comes along!!
From a womans’ perspective!!
KK, I so hope you’re right. And of course you are………………..aren’t you? But hey, you need the pain to create art.
Thanks for the comment. I like having my ass kicked.
Peter
Hmm. Well, not to take anything away from your outpouring but I believe you said exactly the same thing about (and after) our 3-year relationship – and you DID get over it and move on. The bigger question to ponder while you’re eating dust mites (which could be a three-course meal at your place, hahaha) is: why do you only vow to change AFTER the relationship is done?
xoxo
….that’s easy to answer Kit Kat – you don’t know what you got till it’s gone!
So, did my angst make you smile?
Peter
…share the same passion that you have in the bedroom, into everything you do..then you will find that your interests are expanded and your excited to engage in your partners world, even if you are not interested in what that might be-it’s the extension of your passion for her.
You’re right Deborah. I’m willing to shop “Whimsical” now.
This is too funny! And poignant!
I disagree that time heals all wounds; we just add experiences to put those wounds into a different perspective. So I say, if it’s no-go in every aspect of your life together except the bedroom (kitchen counter, back seat of the car, stairwell of hotel you stayed at), then have ex-sex with the sexy-ex, but don’t try to recreate an unsuitable relationship.
If your horizontal mambo is that terrific with one woman, surely it could be with another – or six. Do a few push ups (hell, you’re on the floor already), and get vertical until you can get horizontal with some other glorious woman. One who may like brown, and join you in a little “charnel knowledge.”
If Katherine is reading this, I can vouch for the fact that Peter now watches romantic comedies by himself. But he still doesn’t like cats. Only kittens.
“But hey, you need the pain to create art.”
Good one! Maybe you will come through this a great artist. I prefer whimsical acrylics myself in case you ever paint me a canvas!
Kit Kat, telling her I didn’t like cats is the equivalent of her telling me she doesn’t like my son. Exact same thing. I’m not sure that’s a good strategy, me telling her I don’t like her children.
And make no mistake, they are her children.
Cathy – if there is such a thing as next life, I’m ready to come back and live the life as a lesser artist. And I know already you prefer whimsical acrylics, because your responses are so wonderfully simple and self-evident.
Sigh, how I wish.
Gotta love the way the women are keeping you on your toes Peter!
Now if we could get Katherine to chime in, that would be fun to watch
BLW – “horizontal mambo” — too funny!
Barry, is there any point knowing someone who doesn’t keep you on your toes?
I think not.
They’re all great people here.
Not sure I like being called “simple.”
BLW, you always crack me up!
You said you had a great sex life in your article. Does your partner felt the same as you? Or was it one-sided? You are definitely not over her. Get your ass of the floor, go dating and find someone who is worthy of your love. (that is if you have any to gave, I am not sure if do at this time). After reading that article I have a feeling Katherine will haunt you for the rest of your life and any other relationship you may have in the future, no woman may be able to live up to your expectations in bed. Only you can allow her to do that to you. You are in control of your destiny.
Peter-
Your post strikes a deep chord with me. My (son-to-be) ex-wife and I had a very similar dynamic. Except for the cats, and we have kids together. I did try to change, I worked very very hard at it. I would do anything to have her back, even go through most of the pain of our relationship falling apart all over again for a piece of the bliss that was our romantic relationship (not just the horizontal mambo, but all the romantic aspects of our relationship.) The reality though is that I twisted myself in knots to be someone I wasn’t and so did she. Even though we thought we communicated well (like you said, we had to check in a lot,) in the end we did a great job of telling eachother what we wanted to hear. In the end, it was worth it. If the right person comes along again, or if she were to want to give it another try, I would work just as hard all over again.
Peter
After reading this article, I have no idea why you two divorced and I wonder if you do. A strong sexual connections is 50% of a relationship – the intimacy that an active sexual connection brings to the partnership brings about a willingness to compromise and communicate. Plus, you laughed together, shared experiences and interest – lets see, that’s another 10%.
You left a relationship that had 65% of the attributes that bodes well for a successful partnership and you divorced because you didn’t like her color scheme!! What’s the matter with you? Stop breathing in those dust mites, you cannot afford to loose what little reason you have left. Answer me this – how are you going to top what you had in your future relationships?
Just try something different,(opposite than your ex) with an OPEN heart, forget about her…you might be missing out a new and better world.. good luck.
But is it okay to sleep with her while separated, or does it make it more complicated? I don’t call her my ex, yet.
Hey Paul, if the two of you are still sleeping together maybe becoming “ex’s should be reconsidered. Just a thought