Holidays a time to take high road
October 26, 2009 by admin
Filed under Dating & Sex, Leisure
By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life
Listen. Can you hear it? The air is so still. And can you see the gathering clouds?
Looks as if a storm is headed right for our sometimes fragile single parent homes and, if not prepared, we’ll be picking up the pieces for a long time. It’s called the holiday season.
You weathered the first storm of the season, the summer holidays, by working out an access agreement that was equitable so your ex didn’t freak out and have to call the lawyers at $250 hour, which neither of you can afford.
Halloween is the start of the holiday season because that’s when we start sharing our children big-time for life’s big moments. (If you’re Jewish, the holiday dysfunction begins at sundown in September.)
Only a single parent can look at a Mars bar and get depressed, muttering, “Halloween is coming. Please Lord, help me.” Our children, in their innocence, have a different take on those first candies. (“Wow! It’s Halloween soon and I get to trick or treat and then Christmas (or Hannukah) and holidays. Then New Year’s and I can stay up.”)
The holidays, the perfect time for a perfect storm composed of every feeling of resentment, pain and regret, with our children caught in a crossfire of biting hail and howling wind; a single parent opera choreographed to the music of U2.
Write me and tell me I’m wrong!
If there ever is a time to take the high road it’s now, because a Halloween mask should not be on a child’s face to mask their pain of watching us fight.
I’ve been reading about Buddhism and I came across the Four Noble Truths. One of them is “the origin of suffering is attachment.” With single parents and holidays this could mean an attachment to our children and past that gets in the way of their happiness, our ex’s and ours.
But the “cessation of suffering” is possible. By stepping back and detaching, you will understand that children only “know they are an embodiment of both of you.” You are left, therefore, with no choice but to make the holidays work by accepting whatever plan is right for the kids.
This means sharing your children because your children want and need to be shared. With no further ado, but much detachment:
Halloween – if you really can’t make the journey up the neighbors’ walk as a family, then choose your child’s favorite neighborhood, select a meeting place and time, and with grace, politely hand your child off to your ex. After the kiss, turn around, detach and be grateful for all you have.
At Christmas, alternate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day annually. (If both parents are capable and committed, no one parent should have both the evening and the whole next day 24/7.)
For Hannukah, access for four consecutive days and nights that end with the lighting of the menorah. When your child is not with you, detach emotionally, light the candles and love yourself.
On New Year’s Eve and Day, alternate access between parents each year. You have your child on the eve? Great. But you must detach and give up the next day.
Lots of us will fail our children in some way this holiday season. Failure or suffering is part of our journey, the first noble truth – life is suffering.
That’s okay.
James Taylor once said, “I failed, I failed and I failed again. And then I became a man.”
In our case, it is “I failed and failed and failed again. And then I became a great single parent.”
You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com
or visit his website: www.geronimocode.com
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Great post, Peter – I like the tie into Buddhism which I’m studying right now. We have our holiday schedule specified in our parenting agreement but I like to ask the children how they would like to spend the holidays and then take it from their. With flexibility on both sides we’ve been able to keep everyone happy.
Mandy´s last blog ..A new home for a fresh start after divorce
Thank you so much Mandy! But I’m unsure about “asking the children” thing.
While I never believe in forcing anyone on anyone, if both parents are good parents, then it’s up to the “grown-ups” to work it out.
What if I child want to be with a parent simply because they get more candy there? That’s completely possible.
You would never know that. Is that fair to the other parent?
I believe that for all intents and purposes, children need the boundaries we parents present.
Respectfully,
Peter
Great post! So far, we haven’t had any holiday battles. If we’re in the same town, we’ll all get together for one day or another. If we’re out of town, one of us gets to miss the little guy while knowing that he’s having a blast with lots of great family…and that he’ll be back home soon.
Talibah´s last blog ..Co-Parenting Myths & Misconceptions
You are quite right, and I, too, have already started the worry and spiral down into the black hole of holiday expectations. In fact, I wrote about it yesterday.
All we can do is try to take the high road, putting our kids first. It’s painful for us (and some parents are more willing to follow that approach than others), but our children never asked for the troubles they often find themselves in, pulled between households, living with the legacy of financial catastrophe, and the emotional void of vague recollections of a time “before” and the time “after.”
Whatever happens, I believe they deserve our best. And that often means considerable sacrifice on the part of one parent (occasionally both).
I do take exception to the use of the term “failed.” I believe we should banish it from our vocabularies when speaking of marriages that have ended. Fail your driver’s license test? OK. Fail at statistics in college? Fine. Fail at marriage? Poor use of terms. Most of us tried our best to create a workable family unit. People change; situations evolve; the unforeseen has a hand. And marriages end.
What we can control is the aftermath – making that as “successful” an experience of loving and giving and guiding for our children. And hopefully, for ourselves, finding some of the good stuff along the way.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Is college still the brass ring? (Teen stress, college prep, college applications)
No no Big Little Wolf. Not fail at marriage. Fail at being a single parent.
What I meant was – too many of us fail our children during the holidays.
When one stops doing that, one becomes the great single parent.
Cheers,
Peter
Another incredible post. Thanks for the blogging. Keep up the good work!