It’s Too Easy To Wallow In Loneliness
August 28, 2009 by admin
Filed under Dating & Sex, Your Best Life
By Peter Ehrlich
Special to Single Dad Life
How many times have we spent 45 minutes in a video store, only to walk out with nothing but a cloud over our head darker than the one we walked in with? Lot’s I bet? Write me and tell me I’m wrong.
Often, spending Saturday night alone again because our children are away from us and we are lover-less, the only thing we end up renting is a deeper depression.
On a recent weekend this single dad realized that he goes to the video store as much to be with other people as to rent a movie. How pathetic and lonely is that?
I also admit that what propels me to go food shopping is not a hunger for food but rather a hunger to be with other human beings. I’m starving for company. The woman behind the fish counter serving me snapper must wonder why I’m so bloody friendly; to the point of complimenting her on the layout of the fish on the ice.
I don’t need to see a psychiatrist for this evaluation – I’m lonely.
Loneliness is part of the single-parent journey. We have only ourselves to depend on, seldom have anyone to touch us and when our children are away we are forced to gaze upon toys and clothes that haunt us by their stillness, bedrooms that feel more like mausoleums than places of joy.
As single parents we’re likely to feel like failures even though we accept that the universe unfolded as it should. But don’t most of us feel that we failed our kids in some way?
Feelings of rejection and failure can fuel loneliness and create a cycle that can take over our lives and get in the way of being a good parent because we know that parenting should be practiced with a smile. Not taking steps to alleviate our loneliness can easily result in our lives resembling a German minimalist film that Dieter of SNL’s “Sprockets” fame would enjoy presenting, or something the late Ingmar Bergman would have enjoyed directing, a film that would make The Seventh Seal feel like a Marx Brothers adventure.
Here are some steps we can take so our lives better resemble the ending of It’s a Wonderful Life:
- Get a pet. (I don’t have one but because my last two girlfriends gave their animals equal space in the bed with me, there must be something special about them.)
- Take a cue from your children – invite another single parent and their child(ren) for a sleepover.
- Find someone who needs your kindness and offer it.
- Get out your photo album. A recent scientific study showed that nothing, not chocolate, sex or booze, lifts one’s spirits more than looking at happy pictures.
- Go to your local fancy schmancy bath store and buy an expensive Sex Bomb and throw it in your bath. If you’re not going to have sex, at least you can say you were prepared.
- Put away the drugs, not because drugs are always a bad thing, but they are a bad thing when you’re not feeling good about your life.
- Exercise a lot. It solves so much.
- Accept the path that brought you to this column.
You can contact Peter by emailing him at peter@geronimocode.com
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Well written Peter. And thankyou…
Another Steve who likes the way your words fit, comfortable…like an old sweatshirt. Of course, one size doesn’t fit all.
Loneliness can become a self fore-filling activity that only leads to more loneliness. But it’s also a cycle that can be hard to break. It certainly has been in my case. Not that I haven’t tried.
Pets? Check.
Then they get old and die. Not much help there.
Sleepovers? Check. Though since I don’t know many other single parents, I’m sure the woman’s husband might have some legitimate questions about her participation.
Offer kindness, help and empathy? Check. Now I have less of each to offer and don’t seem to have received much in return. Un-returned kindness and rejection so far haven’t led to an epiphany, not for me at least.
I’ll have to try the photo thing… I have lots of happy pics, though it’s the loss of those happy times that makes me feel so bad. But it’s worth a try.
I’m not sure that any stores around me sell sex bombs. I don’t even think I know what one is… but it sure sounds fun. I would think those things work better with at least one other person.
I’ve tried life with drugs, and without. The only difference I’ve noticed is that I have more money when I go without. Less fun also.
Exercise really does work, or it does for me. Though, when I’m really in my groove, going 5 or 6 days a week to the gym, the best result is that I don’t have as much time left over to be worried about not going out. Other than that, it doesn’t seem to have made any difference at all. But when I’m feeling and looking good, it does make it all the more curious for me to be so lonely.
Well, that’s my perspective.
Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance!
Hey,
I have not divorced or anything but it scares me to think about losing my little ones when me and the wife fight. I feel for you all, very much. I dont have any friends, just my family and if I lost them, I would be without anyone! I also live in a foreign country.
Finding friends can be hard too. Join a club? But it takes time to build up connections enough to become friends with those members. Then, you have to worry about the type of people you are bringing into your life and the lives of your children (who you hopefully see on the weekend at least).
I have been lonely before, in University. I was away from my family and friends and had to meet people through drugs to be social. One night, I was so lonely, I called my answering machine to listen to the operator. (sad). (sad),(sad). I had no car, no money and no street cred.
I think the hardest part was trying to ask new people to hang out and feeling embarrassed that I did not have other friends to present the first time we did go out. How can you make new friends if you don’t have any old ones?
I joined Karate…no luck with friends from there. Found a girl (my wife)… and made friends with her friends. I have to point out however that any of my own friends I made during this time were chased away by my wife (boys and especially girls).
Needless to say, I returned to my home city whenever I could, just to feel like I people cared about me. I guess I got through it by
Strengthening old ties (family, friends, etc)
Compromising my integrity for loose friendships (something I cannot do now)
Exercising (made hard for a year when I hurt my elbow and knee at the same time)
Take the opportunity to better yourself through education, finances, life goals, etc. (without kids, this will be easier to do)
My wife (not available in divorce situation)
I guess the thing to remember is, the situation may be unwanted, but we are not. There are others out there going through the same thing and people in the world who need you.