What You Need to Know About Teaching Children Respect

Have you ever really thought about how your children learn about respect? Is it learned at home, through friends, family members, school, or even television? The correct answer is all of the above, and more.

The best description I ever heard about children is they are video recorders on wheels. They record everything they see or hear and then push the replay button when encountered with a similar situation.

Can you think back to a moment after responding to your kids, you thought, “Wow, I sound just like my dad/mom!”  You didn’t stop and think , “Hmmm, I wonder how my dad would have handled this?” It was an automatic response.  You were just hitting your replay button.

This is the reason why any child raised in an abusive or violent home, is at risk of exhibiting the same behavior as an adult.

I touched on this topic a bit in The Favorite Parent Syndrome and what effect talking negatively about your “ex” has on your children.

Pam Leo wrote a terrific article on this very topic called Teaching Children Respect on her blog .  She effectively lays out the argument on why many parents just plain get it wrong on the method they use to discipline and teach their children.

Some Highlights:

• Whenever adults speak, we are being role models for the children in our presence. What we speak is what we teach.

• We often make the mistake of thinking that since children are smaller than we are and have less information and experience than we do, that they don’t have all the same feelings we do. But they do. The same kind of treatment that would embarrass, humiliate or hurt us, embarrasses, humiliates and hurts children.

• Adults often try to teach children to be respectful by treating them disrespectfully. Children learn respect or disrespect from how we treat them and how we treat each other.

• Yelling, “I’m angry, I don’t like this behavior” is not disrespectful; screaming at, belittling, embarrassing and humiliating children is.

• A brilliant piece by Erma Bombeck, titled ,”Treat Friends, Kids The Same.” She imagines having friends over for dinner and saying to them all those things that most of us heard growing up and therefore, say to children. “Shut the door. Were you born in a barn?” “I didn’t work over a hot stove all day to have you nibble like some bird.” “Sit up straight or your spine will grow that way.” Most parents roar with laughter at the thought of speaking to their friends that way, then realize it is just as disrespectful to say those things to children.

• The ancient wisdom “what goes around, comes around,” and, “as you sow, so shall you reap,” applies to how we teach children.

• How we treat them is what we teach them.

We could all learn from her advice. Not just for teaching our children about respect, but how adults show respect to one  an other. I recommend you read the entire article from the link provided. It is excellent.

Have you witnessed your kids imitating you or someone else?  Do you have some ideas of your own to share?

For more great advice please visit:

Pam Leo
Connection Parenting
Optimal Child Development

Photo courtesy of Clairity

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3. For the Sake of the Children – Cooperative CO-Parenting During and After Divorce
4. Why Teens Need Dads
5. The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome