My Divorce Attorney Made Me Do it
July 15, 2009 by barryk
Filed under SDL Blog, SDL Conversations
“My brother just received his divorce papers today. I am so angry “, she screamed. “Don’t tell me. I bet I can tell you what it said. She wants full custody, she is asking for tons of money, and he is the most evil human being on the planet ” , I responded.
“How did you know that?” she asked. “Standard stuff once you get attorneys involved“. I said. “You better call my brother and talk to him. He is livid and I have never seen him so upset.”
Sound familiar? I realize that attorney’s are hired to protect us and make sure one side is not being taken to the cleaners by the other. But, time after time, once you head to an attorney and your titles change from husband and wife to plaintiff and defendant, the temperature rises to make both sides burn.
I have seen simple situations, where 50/50 custody is not only a no brain-er, but both sides agree. Enter the attorney and the husband is told seeing his children every other weekend is what apparently is best. A husband before becoming the plaintiff, is a successful businessman. All of a sudden, he is broke and his business makes zero profit and cannot pay any child support.
I have discussed this with several other couples who have gone or who are going though a divorce. I also have my own experience to draw upon. Often I am told their attorneys actually told them, you may not agree with everything that is in the divorce papers.
The problem with the system is it is treated like buying a car. Insult the dealer with your offer, negotiate, then make a deal. What both sides need to understand is it not in the best interest of the attorney’s to have a nice simple divorce case. After all, the more motions filed, the more billable minutes, ka-ching, ka-ching.
No wonder so many ex’s hate each other. Fighting and anger often erupt due to the terms being asked for in the divorce papers. Take two people, already emotionally charged, and then fire an all out assault to show the other side who is boss. The only possible result is not only a retaliation of similar proportions, but an all out war.
I am not saying that divorce attorney’s are all to blame. After all, they are hired to protect their client to the best of their ability and that is what they do. I am not naive. During my divorce, I hired the best attorney I could find. The general thought is to pay now or pay more later. (If you are wondering, I am on very good terms with my ex 
) But once I looked back, so much money was wasted on silly motions, or stuff that really didn’t matter in the long run. Don’t sweat the small stuff is the point I hope to get across.
Without a doubt, the most difficult thing to do when you can’t stand the sight of your soon to be ex, is to take a deep breath and not allow your attorney to feed off your anger and go for the jugular. It is equally difficult to try and not win at all costs. Both sides need to feel good about the arrangements. Emotionally, deep down this can be so tough. If you keep pounding the other side, the only thing that you can be guaranteed is ka-ching, ka-ching.
So here is a novel idea. Go to a mediator and design visitation schedules and other arrangements for your children. If you feel your ex is a good parent, agree to 50/50 right up front and tell your attorney you will not sign anything asking for more. Design a fair support order based on these terms and try not to have your ex live on the streets and lose everything they own.
This just might create a better life for both parties and most importantly your children. Besides, you will feel a whole lot better paying for your children’s college tuition instead of your attorney’s!
Side note: If your ex refuses to act civilized, never visits your children, and gives the keys to their attorney to drive you into the ground, ignore the above article!
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Oh yeah, my ex has the biggest be-yotch of an attorney on the planet. Mine just gets paid to have to deal with all the bullsh*t she slings at me and has been slinging at me for seven years now. I don’t know how the woman sleeps at night.
MindyMom´s last blog ..Confessions of a Date-Stacker
My father passed away last year and I am his only son. I am sure all of you who may read this will be surprised and disgusted to hear what I am having to deal with involving our US Court system. My father left me everything in his Will.
My father divorced 10 years ago from his second ex wife who lives in another state.
When she found out he was dying she got on a plane and found some unethical lawyers to drag me into a court room during my fathers last days. When we were in court my lawyer asked why are we here when he is being cared for very well. Her attorneys said we are not here for his body, just the money. A court appointed attorney was also sent to my Dad’s house and he was asked who do you want to leave your money to your ex wife or your son. He said in his exact words I want to leave everything to my boy. I made a Will. We were charged $1,200 for the court to send someone univited into my fathers home. This was a horrible way for my father to end his life. Her attorneys now have had me in Court now for almost a year. She worked out a deal with her attorneys that if they can win anything, they can have %50. She pays her attorneys nothing while I have spent my money on my own attorneys. She has brought to the court a divorce decree that has one sentence stuck into it that says when my father dies he must make a new will leaving everything to his ex. Obviously this lacks all common sense and I have been told by every Lawyer that I have talked to in this country that they have never heard of such a thing and it is illegal to force anyone in a divorce decree to make a will out of the decree.
I have only met this woman once, she is ten years older than I am and her own family wants nothing to do with her or her son. She is healthy and can take care of herself. Nobody has anything good to say about her. My father was good to her son and he stole from my father and others. He was eventually put in prison for robbery.
I have been fighting a disease which was fatal and now is chronic for 21 years now. I was a VP for a company for 15 plus years. Now I try to do volunteer work when I feel well but this nightmare has been very stressful. I cannot believe the kind of country we live in today when a father cannot leave his son his estate. There are truly some evil people out there.
Lawyers get blamed for a lot of society’s ills, and sometimes they deserve it. Take Tort Reform. Greedy lawyers get a lot of blame, but every case I’ve studied involved a greedy client.
Divorce lawyers get their marching orders from their clients. Now, many lawyers start off at 10 on a 10 scale, figuring they can ratchet it back if need be. But the case belongs to the client, and if the client says clearly to the attorney that they don’t want a scorched earth campaign, it’s up to the lawyer to comply. Better yet, when you interview lawyers, pick one who is disinclined to go nuclear without clear instructions to the contrary from the client.
Hal Davis
http://www.Civilized-Divorce.com
It seems to be a common human reaction to the ending of a relationship – inflict pain on your former love.
Most prospective clients arrive with the idea that they want a “BULLDOG lawyer” to protect their interests/hurt their former partner. Attorneys that don’t respond appropriately to that overly emotional attitude will likely lose clients.
In our firm we acknowledge the genuine hurt the client feels. We then attempt to focus on the fact that divorce isn’t warfare, and, that the enemy isn’t nameless and faceless. Relationships with former loves, and especially with offspring, are going to continue long after your divorce, albeit in a changed form.
Best to work for a solution that attempts to keep everyone intact insofar as is possible. Often divorce mediation or collaborative law is a better solution than angry contention.