The Favorite Single Parent Syndrome
July 6, 2009 by barryk
Filed under Leisure, SDL Blog, SDL Conversations
I hope everyone had a great 4th of July Weekend. It should be a time for family, barbecues, backyard games and maybe some fireworks.
Single parents and divorced parents sometimes face a different kind of fireworks that doesn’t need Independence Day to be set off.
Over the weekend I heard and witnessed some situations that got me thinking about what parents, especially divorced parents, do to be the favorite in the eyes of their children.
The feeling of needing to be “liked” more, is one of the hidden and one of the least discussed dynamic between divorced parents. Often times it is the culprit of the negative comments a single mom or single dad expresses to their children about the other parent.
Whether parents want to admit to this feeling or not, it is there. That twinge they feel when their child comes home after being with the other parent, talking excitedly about the fun time she had, or shows you the new toy or outfit he received.
The key to raising a healthy and loving child is not to do all you can to earn (or buy) your child’s love. It is more important to have your child respect you. Respect means they look up to you because you tried to always do the right thing for them. Respect you because you honored them by not ripping their mom (or dad).
The best advice I ever received and share with others going through the divorce process, is never tear down your ‘ex” to your children in an attempt to gain the “most favored” status. No matter how difficult and tempting this might be. They love their mom and dad and do not internally “get the good cop, bad cop, that is often thrown at them by angry, bitter, and often revengeful divorced parents.
This is one of the most difficult concepts for divorced parents to wrap their heads around. When your children get older, they will be able to sort out their feelings and emotions a bit better. They will be mentally mature enough to see the actions, not just the words of the other parent. You will be able to have a more adult conversation. After all, when kids are little, your are trying to get them to grasp your negative remarks towards your ex, by a person who can be convinced to do just about anything against their will by telling them you’ re going to count to three! Try doing that with a teenager. Get my point.
After just celebrating our nations independence, give your children the independence to decide for themselves. It is not important to have them love you best, but only love you as their awesome mom or dad.
What are your thoughts on this topic? What would be your advice to someone who is about to go through a divorce? Do you think it is OK to talk negatively about you ex or soon to be ex?
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Is it OK to talk negative about the ex or soon to be ex? Yes, just not in front of the kids.
This is crazy hard to get through and deal with. There are times you want to take your child and show them specifically what the other parent is doing wrong. We vie for their attention as much as they vie for ours.
You are right though. We have to lead by example and trust that when they get old enough they will see and know for themselves. My oldest are teenagers now and I occasionally see twinklings of understanding in their eyes. The wait has been long, but it has been worth it.
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Your answer is right on Chuck. Thanks for posting and welcome.
1st off I love your articles, you are spot on! Thank you for doing what you do.
I myself am a “Single Parent” though I have been remarried for several years now. I don’t think many people understand that the “new spouse” many times adds to the “drama” of the situation rather than helping matters. There are many days when I have to step back and ask myself who the children are and where the adults went.
I made a promise to myself when I left my x-husband that I would never EVER say an ill word about him to any one because you can never be sure when little ears are near or when your words may be repeated to another person in front of or directly to your child. If you do not say the negative words in the first place then they cannot be repeated to your child. Let’s face it folks you choose to bring a child into the world with this person. Your child did not choose him/her and your child does not need to hear YOUR feelings on this person, your child does not need to know if he/he is paying their child support or if he/she is a cheat, low life, no good for nothing or any other choice words you may have for them. If you do not wish to do irreparable damage to your child’s self-esteem you would do best to remind your child that no matter what their father/mother LOVES him/her beyond compare. If said x does not show up for visitation the reassure them that is due to no fault of their own and that he/she loves them very very much. I had to do this for 14 years and trust me my kids found out what kind of person my x was by his hands not mine but they were 18 and 17 when they did so they were old enough to handle it and appreciated the fact that I did not bash him to them.
Ok… sorry, I will step off my soap box now.
Gretchen, Please don’t be a strange! Your comment is exactly what needs to be heard coming from the “other side”. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I agree with Chuck in that we all need to vent every now and then – but no, it should not be in front of the kids.
There’s also the actions that often speak louder than words and that have a big impact on the kids. My ex may not bad mouth me but his acts and deeds toward me have been very detrimental and destructive to my kids and my relationship with them. These are things the kids don’t pick up on and that even my 18 y/o daughter hasn’t yet realized the full impact of – and it’s not like I can try set her straight either because it would just give my ex more power.
All I can say is I think it hurts worse to be undermined than bad-mouthed and to watch your kids be manipulated and bought. Some people can be so hurtful but in very subliminal ways and if you react or defend you are “the bad guy”.
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I completely agreed with you. I wish we could wave a magic wand and everyone would just play nice. The quiet undermining ritual is one of the favorite games played by a negative ex. It is is true sign of weakness and feeling that his own actions are not enough to create the favored parent he desires
I just wrote a post about this actually. I agree 100%. I have a very strict rule about not saying anything negative about my ex in front of my kid. (Though I totally failed the other day. It just slipped out, I swear. Still kicking myself…)
What I struggle with is finding the right way to talk to my son about some questionable parenting/judgment calls his dad makes. While I don’t want to say anything negative about my ex, I am concerned about the messages he’s sending with some of his actions. It’s a tricky line to walk.
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I just read your post which I think is excellent and I recommend others read it as well. All I will say here is don’t beat yourself up. If you never had an “oops” you would be a saint and better than 99.9% of the rest. To be honest, based on what I read, you are cool with me.
So, what do you do if your ex-spouse is so busy playing the role of the “professional victim” that she neglects the children ? I too, chose the “high road”, but it doesn’t seem to be working. After each weekly visit with my kids, the ex-wife pumps them for information (btw, the divorce was her idea) and then tells them I’m not a very good dad. I have my kids regularly, pay my support ahead of time and yet when one party is full of unresolved anger, the games continue. I guess my question is, do the kids eventually “get it” ??
Blair,
I can only speak from personal experience. The answer would be yes. When it happens and at what age, I can’t tell you. But a good guide for you is if you can rest your head at night on your pillow, and your conscience is calm, you are doing the right thing. Kids do not like when a parent rips the other. Internally they love both their mom and their dad. You csn only control what you do not your ex. Do the right thing and it does pay off in respect down the road. Not easy to do, and you will slip, but still the best way to honor your children. Your ex is not. Her comments just reveal her weakness.
Wow! You couldn’t be more right. This is something I practiced as a single mom with my children. About the ages of 12-14 your children will start to figure it out for themselves. It’s not easy to be committed to not “ripping your ex apart” every time you get angry. Write them a nasty letter instead of having a discussion with your children about what an awful person the ex-spouse is. Also encourage your family and friends to do the same. Your family and friends think they are showing you support by bad mouthing your ex and are not careful to make sure your children are not within hearing distance. It also easy for you to get caught up in this conversation and forget about a child being present.
Good Luck letting your children figure it out for themselves. My daughters are 25 years old. They’ve been allow to form their own opinions. My relationship with them has been my reward. Now we have adult conversations about the past.
Both my ex and I try very hard not to say anything negative about the other **when the kids are around**. Now, I’m pretty sure he’s said some not so flattering things about me, and I know I’ve vented to my friends and family. We just both made a conscious effort to “bet he better man” for the sake of our kids. He’s their dad. They LOVE him (daddy=hero, mommy=god, get the picture?). If he has fault’s (which he does, he’s human), they’re going to figure it out, eventually. Bite your tongue, stomp on your own foot, do whatever it takes because it’s not going to hurt your EX when you trash him, it’s going to hurt your kids. You’re their parent, do you really want to do that?
I know there are people out there, both men and women, who are so self-absorbed, or narcissistic, or who just have to be right that their children’s feelings are the last thing they’re thinking about, but I hope it’s the exception not the rule.
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