Single Dads and Role of the Victim
I have been writing a bit about the perceived role of single dads.
This brings me to another issue that some single dads may not admit to, and others don’t consciously realize they believe.
Single dads are rarely looked at in the same light as single moms in a divorced situation. It is easy for family and society to look at single moms as victims, and the majority need support and help. Single dads are rarely looked at in the same light.
Anyone who has read articles I have written, knows how much I respect and admire single moms. But hey, this is Single Dad Life, so you have to let me project the guys point of view. I know I don’t have to keep emphasizing this point, but single dads and single moms are all part of the single parent community. We need to always try and have “one reach out with an open hand and the other unclench their fist” to create the best enviroment for our kids. ( Thanks to The Comeback Coach for the quote). But I digress…
Single moms do not ask to be portrayed as a victim. It just happens. It is the old societal damsel in distress syndrome. The woman needs to be rescued and the man is the rescuer. Just human nature. This theory does not always play out in the case of single parents. I would be interested in knowing the odds in Vegas if you had a 5’2″ 110 lbs mom vs a 6’2″ 210 lbs dad fighting to get their kids in the center of the ring. I won’t be crazy enough to pick the winner, but all I can say is the dad better at least bring a pretty extensive first aid kit! 
But these preconceived images affect how dads are looked upon and how they even look at themselves. No one would ever second guess a single mom getting and accepting child support from the father. However, a single dad getting and ACCEPTING child support from the mother is definitely look upon differently.
Many single dads feel less than adequate when accepting child support from the mother. They shouldn’t and some quite possibly don’t, but outsiders often don’t feel the same way. After all, single dads are supposed to be the breadwinner and take care of the family (Please allow me to be a bit general here). Regardless if they are or are not the larger income earner, the perception doesn’t change when it comes to asking or receiving help.
Woman face their own problems with images placed on them by society. One single dad brought to my attention, how women face their own prejudice. I guy can go sleep with assorted women and he is called a stud. A woman doing the same thing is called a slut. To me, this just confirms the argument that these misquided judgments exist.
The key for single dads is to not let ego get in the way of taking care of their kids. We don’t need to be the victim to do the right thing. The right thing is accept the help and not feel quilty. I don’t mean take the money because you hate your ex and would like to see her crawling in the gutter because you have her money etc, etc. Accept the help because your kids deserve the best life possible. If you don’t want to take the money, take it anyway!! It does not make you less of a man. If it will make you feel better take the money, open up a savings account, and put it away for your kids college education. But take it!
Final Note: I have some personal experience with this topic. I was not wealthy. With full custody of 3, I was entitled to a lot of support. I started to accept help and support and then felt guilty and stopped. I was wrong. It wasn’t about me, it was about my kids.
If you are entitled to support, take it. Dad’s, if you are ordered to pay support, PAY IT!
Related posts:
Terrific post!
Child support is such an emotionally charged topic. Taking money from a woman for many guys is not the "manly" option.. As you rightly pointed out, it's about what's best and right for your kids. Thanks for opening up this important conversation.
Thanks Dr. Leah! I always appreciate you stopping by and seeing your comments and hearing from "the other side" .
Well written post. You make excellent points. It should not matter if you are male or female. If you are entitled to child support you should seek it.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
Thanks and welcome Stesha.Nice of you to stop by!
Ugh. I really have a different perspective on this one. I can see your point but because of my personal circumstances it just…well, gets kinda lost. Basically my child support has gone toward attorney fees generated by my exe's litigousness. My maintenance has gone toward providing a home for my kids while ex lived his life with Wifey wherever he pleased and without regard to what was best for the kids. His malicious and litigious behavior is now costing me said house as well as messing with our parenting schedule/child support. IF things were to go so far as ME having to pay him a pittance of a few hundred dollars a month while barely getting by myself after he took everything I did have away….well I think you get the picture. HE doesn't need or deserve a dime from me to care for the children I have raised in their best interests despite all that he has done to the contrary. Sorry to rant, but just poiting out that some situations just don't warrant the father receiving a penny. There's always an exception to every rule.
You make an excellent point. I realize that exceptions to occur. I will add though, that it appears he doesn't qualify to receive support and you do. This issue of support is a very delicate issue. I hear from friends it is the toughest check to send, just because there are no checks and balances on where the money actually goes. I have a buddy who sends a big check to his ex who cheated on him and her boyfriend lives with her. They go away on vacations and he is bitter because he thinks his money helps pay for that. It kills him and he struggles to pay his bills.
In your case, I am sorry your ex appears to be not moving on with his obvious new life. As I wrote, one needs to unclench their fist and other open their hand. Your ex doesn't appear to be doing either. I have no respect for someone who puts his new spouse or lifestyle ahead of his kids. A real man puts his kids first, and EVERYTHING else, a distant second. On both sides, the anger and emotions often cloud our judgement. Although we all need them, I don't know how some divorce attorney's sleep at night. Hang in and I hope things get better for you.
I'm really loving your site. I think you hit the nail on the head for *any* parent. This is really about our children, and while we are protecting our egos, we're also denying them material support that can have an impact on the quality of their lives. As a single mom, I had this issue in a different way. My relationship with my son's father was really good on many levels, but we had issues around child support. Not wanting to damage the relationship, I was remiss in not standing for consistent support. Finally, I had to get that it wasn't about me, him or our child, and that I was actually being selfish in many ways in choosing to prevent our discomfort at the expense of my child. These days, all is well!
Nice job Talibah. Support issue is such an emotional issue. It is so hard to separate the emotion from the need. Appears you and your ex found common ground.
Barry,
Excellent points throughout, great job.
Despite the challenges, we single Dads must find the wisdom, courage and humbleness to try and act always in the best interest of the kids. Our egos often get in the way of that mission.
We need to try and remember to, in our thoughts, words and actions, commit to things that honor us, nurture those dependent upon us – our kids – and add value to the communities we serve.
Barry, keep up the great work!
Mark McIntosh
The Comeback Coach
Thanks Mark!
I have been a single mother for 10 years but have not once felt like a victim. I could have if I had told myself I was. I felt as if I were the lucky one though.
Raising children alone was not easy but it was a heck of a lot easier than only being with them every other weekend or not at all. My heart used to break for my ex…who was the one who wanted the divorce. I can’t imagine what being without his children was like for him.
The one thing that kept him from having a closer relationship with them was his inability to humble himself. Once he left the marriage for some reason he had to act as if he no longer cared. His attitude damaged his life and his children’s lives.
He went six years without seeing our sons. In November our youngest had a medical emergency. I called my ex and he came immediately. Why? Because he could be the “rescuer.” He didn’t have to humble himself to his son and could save face by appearing to ride in on his trusty stead and saving the day.
It is very strange to watch a man let his ego get in the way of his love for his children. Good news is, my youngest is now living with his father. They are making up for lost time and rebuilding their relationship. Both getting what they have needed for a very long time.
As for child support, I don’t and won’t ever pay him a penny. He is a very wealthy man and doesn’t need my money. If he weren’t though I would gladly pay but I doubt seriously the idea would sit well with him.
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Depression…Do You Get It? =-.
Thanks for your insight Cathy. Ego can steal years with your kids, as your ex realized.
.-= Barry´s last blog ..Softball Team Shows it is More than Wins and Loses =-.