When are You No Longer a Single Parent?
I have recently had this discussion with several people about being a single dad or a single mom. At Single Dad Life, single dad is defined as any dad not living with his children’s mother. He could be single, divorced, remarried , or widowed.
“Remarried, I am asked? If someone is remarried, how can hey still be considered single? ” I try to explain, that remarried or not, these fathers and mothers face many of the same issues that “single” parents do.
This has become even more interesting as I notice some single parent bloggers entering into relationships, with some even leading to marriage.
I agree in the classical definition of a single parent, it doesn’t jive if you are remarried. Once someone is remarried, they don’t call themselves single any longer. Some bloggers have even removed the evidence of “single parent” from their blog. I don’t blame them. It is often not a title anyone volunteered to have or wants to live with forever. Getting remarried is something to celebrate and look ahead, not look back.
But are you really ever finished being a single parent? I believe once you have been a single mom or single dad, getting remarried won’t change your mindset. You will still have custody issues, financial discussions, medical decisions, eventually education expenses, it goes on on and on. You will still have an “ex”, “ex inlaws. “ex brother and sister-inlaws”, all (hopefully) having continued interest in your children.
So what do you call yourself when you get married again? Blended, maybe if she/he has their own children. I don’t think there is a real definite term for being a single parent who gets remarried. We have the terms, divorced, remarried, widowed, and single. But nothing that quickly and easily describes, remarried with my kids, I mean his kids, her kids, or our kids, or one from my first marriage, or one from his first and one from his second. See what I mean? It can become a real tongue twister!
When you are asked about your kids, what will you answer? Probably ” these are my kids from my previous marriage.” Same applies if they are your current spouses kids.In your mind, deep down, you still feel like the solo parent.
Now I know there will be exceptions to every rule. Of course it is terrific to have a loving partner help in the day to day tasks of raising your kids. I am just making a general observation.
So if you are fortunate to have found magic again,or maybe again, again, again 
, and gotten remarried, congratulations! All single parents rejoice when another finds love and happiness. It gives other single parents a glimpse, if they are lucky enough, of what could happen for them.
But,shhhh, come closer I need to whisper. Don’t be dissappointed if the single parent in you raises his/her protective head from time to time.
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Wow. This is something I've never thought about. Its funny because single parents sometimes get kind of snarky about who can carry the "single parent" moniker. I guess everyone wants to appear to suffer more than others…
" Snarky" ! I don't think I have ever head that word used before. I like it! It is a keeper.
Anyway, thanks for raising the question, because I think it is something people need to grapple with. Language has power. What we call ourselves matters not just in how we are perceived but also how we frame our own circumstances and possibilities. And, whether the term is Baby Mama, single parent, etc., I still think there's a gap in language or gaps that if filled could be empowering to all of us.
More and more, because my son's father and I work together to raise him despite our never having been married, I try to refer to myself as a single (still waiting on Mr. WeParent) co-parenting mother. It's a helluva long term, but it's the best I've gotten to so far. Soon enough, some creative genius will free us from this language void with a great acronym or term like the Bonus Moms did. Until then, I remain a single co-parenting Mama of a beautiful big-headed boy!
"single co-parenting Mama of a beautiful big-headed boy"
Beautiful! But we have got to find a way to shorten that
Oh, and you can ignore the "Anyway," at the beginning of that comment! I'd written a sentence before it and then deleted it.
talibah raises an language snag that we’ve had to deal with. i married a single dad, but he had never been married to my stepdaughter’s mom. my stepdaughter has two sets of parents (mom + stepdad, dad + stepmom) but none of us have been married before. thus, no one is “remarried”–we’re just married. but i feel like a lot of folks only speak in terms of marriage-divorce-remarriage. even my stepdaughter will often say “my parents are divorced,” so her friends will understand, even though that’s not technically true.
i remember my husband wondered aloud not long after we got married, “am i still a single dad?” i think in many ways he still is. i’m not offended by that classification–i know we’re married!
Hi Maria,
You certainly have a tongue twister there! Your attitude seems to be exactly what your husband and stepdaughter ordered. Thanks for sharing.
I think once you become a single parent you will always be a single parent in the eyes of your children
Greg Williams´s last blog ..A males view
I agree with you Greg. They always will see their mom and dad in separate homes. Also, welcome!